My ex wants me back but I’m seeing someone new

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KoraBora
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I have a big problem. I was together with my ex for 8 months, it’s not that long but it was my first real realationship and ofc I was heartbroken after he broke up with me. But I got a lot happier without him, cause in the end of the realationship he only put the bare minimum of effort in us.

He broke up with me because I was ready for a real realationship and he said he was not and I cried and begged him to stay but as it should be he left.

I never thought he would come back because he is not that type of person. So I told myself I had to move on. I met a few people and then there was this one guy who I really liked. On our first date my ex called me and accussed me of having a new boyfriend. He told me stuff like I’m an two faced person and I hung up because I didn’t need to hear this kind of stuff. I told the new guy about it and he still wanted to get to know me.

So we went out on dates often for about 1 or 2 months now and he really is giving me anything. I felt happy with him until my ex (who lives 1.5 hours away from me) decided to visit me without telling me. He saw me kissing the new guy and walked past us. I told the new guy that he was my ex and we might talk for a moment and he was pissed but okay with it.

My ex was crying (he never cried befor) and telling me that he wants me back and that it has been a huge mistake cause I would be the woman he wants to have his children with. And I told him I can’t forgive him and sended him away after some time but ofc with tears running down my cheks cause I still love this man.

He messaged me again and called me and I also talked to the other guy about it. He said he would be there for me and we could move on together. But I felt so bad towards him because it felt like I was using him so I told him I need to get over it alone and he shouldn’t wait for me this time (but I think he does). And my ex visited me again and I couldn’t resist him cause I am still in love but I just don’t know if I can forgive him.

I like the new guy two and he made me really happy but I don’t know if it is only temporary and with my ex I would know we would do the whole package. But the question is what do I want. And actually I don’t know so I need help with this one. Not someone who makes the decision for me ofc but I just need to hear what other people, who are not my friends, think about this whole situation.

I would be happy if anyone could help me out..
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username5750980
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oh my god im so sorry
he probably wants something
DO NOT GO BACK
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KoraBora
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(Original post by Book0306)
oh my god im so sorry
he probably wants something
DO NOT GO BACK
I know I should not but it’s so hard because he seemed like he changed. But the question is, for how long will he stay like that. Thanks for your reply!! ☺️
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bones-mccoy
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If you had to break up with him and move on with someone else in order for him to change, that tells you everything you need to know
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Final Fantasy
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If you go back to him, then all the misery that comes with it you will have no one else to blame but yourself. If you're okay with that then go ahead.
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Kelivesy
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(Original post by KoraBora)
I know I should not but it’s so hard because he seemed like he changed. But the question is, for how long will he stay like that. Thanks for your reply!! ☺️
It’s very rare that a leopard changes his spots. Your ex is promising you the world and that he’ll change. Once you take him back he’ll be on his best behaviour for two months and then he’ll slip into his old ways. He didn’t want you back until he found out you were seeing someone else. This screams alarm bells. Walk away and give this new guy a chance..
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KoraBora
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(Original post by Final Fantasy)
If you go back to him, then all the misery that comes with it you will have no one else to blame but yourself. If you're okay with that then go ahead.
Of course I would be the kne to blame. I know that and I see how it looks from the angle of others. That’s good to know and might help me choose the right way. Thank you!
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KoraBora
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(Original post by bones-mccoy)
If you had to break up with him and move on with someone else in order for him to change, that tells you everything you need to know
I guess that is a bad sign. I see it know but ofc I still can’t decide or choose cause love is in the way. But I’m trying my best to make the right decision. Thanks a lot!
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KoraBora
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(Original post by Kelivesy)
It’s very rare that a leopard changes his spots. Your ex is promising you the world and that he’ll change. Once you take him back he’ll be on his best behaviour for two months and then he’ll slip into his old ways. He didn’t want you back until he found out you were seeing someone else. This screams alarm bells. Walk away and give this new guy a chance..
You’ve got a really good point. Maybe the reason I can’t think of letting my ex go is because he told me he has someone who likes him too. And if that doesn’t work out with us he doesn’t want to but will give the other girl a chance. That is so unfair of him to tell me cause that makes me really sad. But it’s another red flag..
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twinklelittlstar
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you don’t have a big problem. it’s him who has the problem. I’m afraid that by the way he’s acting, if u do give him another chance you’ll regret it. don’t go back. block him and try to move on. you deserve better.
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Anonymous #1
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You are blatantly going back to your ex and do what most girls do and cry about him again when he messed you around and the guy you are with finds someone who won't mess him around
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Caz1234567
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(Original post by KoraBora)
You’ve got a really good point. Maybe the reason I can’t think of letting my ex go is because he told me he has someone who likes him too. And if that doesn’t work out with us he doesn’t want to but will give the other girl a chance. That is so unfair of him to tell me cause that makes me really sad. But it’s another red flag..
That's a massive red flag. I'd stay away from him if I were you...
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CaptainDuckie
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From the looks of it, your ex wasn’t ready with you initially but only came to realisation that he wanted you when he saw that you actually moved on from him...

He might have thought you wouldn’t have. He told you he wasn’t ready for a real relationship but you were, this suggests that both of you were not compatible enough to begin with. He even left you, you did not leave him.

In my opinion, I think you should move on with the new guy. Your ex, clearly, missed his chance with you at that opportunity.. there’s nothing he can do but deal with it.

That’s my take on it. The new guy you’ve met will probably feel very played and lead on. Don’t do that to him man.
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ddanii
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I think you shoudnt go back, because the signs are pretty clear that he wants something from you.But its pathetic that when you guys were in a relationship he didnt put much effort in but once you break up and meet a new person He all of a sudden wants you back??? like huhh. But it probs meant that he doesnt know how to show his feelings for you and just took it for granted thinking you wont leave..
Personally I think you should leave and do whats best for you.
TAKE A BREAK FROM THE BOYS AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND YOU ONLY x
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KoraBora
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(Original post by ddanii)
I think you shoudnt go back, because the signs are pretty clear that he wants something from you.But its pathetic that when you guys were in a relationship he didnt put much effort in but once you break up and meet a new person He all of a sudden wants you back??? like huhh. But it probs meant that he doesnt know how to show his feelings for you and just took it for granted thinking you wont leave..
Personally I think you should leave and do whats best for you.
TAKE A BREAK FROM THE BOYS AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND YOU ONLY x
I thought about that too. Maybe I need some time for me and no drama with boys. And yes he is like a kid. He had a new toy and liked it for a bit. Then he threw it away and as soon as someone new wanted to play with it, he wants it back. Thanks to you I realised that. Thank you very much!!!! ☺️
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KoraBora
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
From the looks of it, your ex wasn’t ready with you initially but only came to realisation that he wanted you when he saw that you actually moved on from him...

He might have thought you wouldn’t have. He told you he wasn’t ready for a real relationship but you were, this suggests that both of you were not compatible enough to begin with. He even left you, you did not leave him.

In my opinion, I think you should move on with the new guy. Your ex, clearly, missed his chance with you at that opportunity.. there’s nothing he can do but deal with it.

That’s my take on it. The new guy you’ve met will probably feel very played and lead on. Don’t do that to him man.
I won’t do that to him. He did not deserve that, that’s why I was being honest with him from the start. Thanks for your words. I really appreciate the advices!🙁
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KoraBora
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(Original post by twinklelittlstar)
you don’t have a big problem. it’s him who has the problem. I’m afraid that by the way he’s acting, if u do give him another chance you’ll regret it. don’t go back. block him and try to move on. you deserve better.
Thank you! I think everyone deserves better than this..🙁
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vettycroissant
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Your ex has displayed some really concerning, controlling behaviour such as showing up unannounced, calling you and accusing you of things, and 'lovebombing' you (telling you he wants to have children etc with you when he is clearly not ready). The new guy you have been seeing sounds supportive and genuinely into you. Your ex sounds like bad news and doesn't have your best interests (your happiness, wellbeing or boundaries) at heart. I would definitely steer clear of your ex and look at putting in some boundaries, such as asking him not to contact you. You have the right to move on without him bothering you or jealously disrupting things.
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KoraBora
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(Original post by vettycroissant)
Your ex has displayed some really concerning, controlling behaviour such as showing up unannounced, calling you and accusing you of things, and 'lovebombing' you (telling you he wants to have children etc with you when he is clearly not ready). The new guy you have been seeing sounds supportive and genuinely into you. Your ex sounds like bad news and doesn't have your best interests (your happiness) at heart. I would definitely steer clear of your ex and look at putting in some boundaries, such as asking him not to contact you. You have the right to move on without him bothering you or jealously disrupting things.
That is true. He is a bit controlling and I don‘t like that at all. I should move on I guess, even tho it is going to be hard.
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Dunnig Kruger
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There are 2 core issues here.

1 your self esteem needs working on

2 you have too much of a scarcity mindset

When anyone does or says anything unreasonable to you, your self esteem should be high enough for you to cope well. So that when for example an ex calls you when you are on a first date you either don't pick up or you hang up straight away.

Be more assertive.

When your ex starts stalking you, you try to nip it in the bud by being assertive, calling him out on his nonsense and letting all his friends know about his obsessive, stalking behaviour. You warn your ex as assertively as you can to leave you alone. You do not encourage or accept his terrible behaviour.

You say that you love your ex. You are quite welcome to love whomever you want. Including obsessive losers that lack the ability to get new girlfriends, resulting in them clinging on to ex girlfriends - like diarrhea on an unwashed bedsheet.

You make it sound as if there are only 2 men in the world. Your ex and the next guy that you dated. There's an abundance of men that are better than the 2 of them put together. If the newer guy had been the right sort of man for you, you wouldn't even have thought about going back to your ex. You need a third man. And I'm not talking about a fielder on the boundary behind the wicket keeper. I'm talking about a man that is worthy of your love. You may have to work your way through a few that are unworthy before you get to him...

You clearly have the ability to meet men and to convert a high enough proportion of them into your boyfriend. That is a wonderful ability to have. Use that ability now.
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