Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

english language gcse

Could someone please read over this and give me feedback on what to improve?
Walking solemnly on the grey pavement, I could feel the winds flexing their muscles in the East, whipping the clouds into shape, marching them across the sky, causing my grey jumper to tremble with fear. The black jackboots of the rain tramped across the horizon, stamping cold onto the world beneath, as though some long-dead tyrant had returned, making my jumper wet with cold water that sent shivers down my spine.
Looking above, I had hoped I could find the sun and feel the warm heat shoot up my broken body so it can fix the shards of glass that are stabbing me and place them together so that I can find myself properly.
Hunger had crawled inside of my stomach like a slithering snake slowly preying on its victim. Pain shot up my body as with each step I took, my body didn’t have the energy to carry on anymore, begged me to return home in the comfort of my mother soft, supple laps that I had huddled with since the day I was born. The decaying leaves below my wet shoes cracked with each step I took, as though they were knuckles from a human hand that popped with each press, squeegeed with each step, and the noise burnt my earn drums alive.
Little birds had fluttered their iridescent wings, rustling them through thick, dense forest. The noise echoed for miles until it only became a faint noise in the distance. Sweet and serene, the birds had whistled their song to the tune of the winds, making the whole world feel empty like I was the only single person alive on earth as every noise was taken over by the song of the birds. The trees towered high like they were guarding mother nature against the destructive forces that had surrounded it, huddling together to protect the rain from making me cold.
Time was endless as each day past I was in the same place(which was staring into the abyss of nothingness), hoping someone would come, hoping someone would take pity on me and help me escape that place; give me a place to call home.
As time went on, the sky put on its black cape: the closest clouds huddled, armoured in battleship grey; those coming behind streaked with the black of coal smoke; those on the horizon dark as slate. Beneath, a watcher might shut their eyes and pray for liberation, dreaming of the warmth of the cavalry of sunlight.

Reply 1

Amberxoxoxo

You have some lovely similes and metaphors, with incredibly vivid descriptions.

The first sentence is too long-I would advise splitting it into 2 separate sentences. This sentence("Hunger had crawled inside of my stomach like a slithering snake slowly preying on its victim. Pain shot up my body as with each step I took, my body didn’t have the energy to carry on anymore, begged me to return home in the comfort of my mother soft, supple laps that I had huddled with since the day I was born.") is also too long.

You have definitely set the scene and created a sense of pathos, however I feel it needs more action(obviously I don't know whether or not this is the whole writing piece). I hope my feedback is useful :smile: