Sadness/guilt about leaving home for uni?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I’m in year 12 and looking into which unis I want to go to. I’m pretty adamant I want to get away for a few years, can’t tell you exactly why, I think I just need to be away, find out who I am away from what I’ve always known type of thing.

My mum really wants me to stay, and I find it hard to justify why I want to leave. We live in a very big city, and I’m looking at going to equally big cities. She thinks I’m doing it to get away from her, which in a way I am but it sounds awful to put it like that. I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can, she’s almost 60, with a lot of health problems. Her mum and grandmother both died in their 50s, so she’s all about living in the moment. And it’s true, she could live to be 100, or die tomorrow, or die while I’m 200 miles away at uni.

It’s not even just that guilt though, I’d also be really sad to leave everyone else. I will feel like I’m missing out. I’m the youngest of 6 siblings, and not 4 of which have moved out and all live within a ten minute drive of our house. The other one is in university in our city but still lives at home and has no plans to move away at all. Even every single one of my aunts and uncles lives very locally, my grandparents, mum/dad/aunts/uncles and siblings and cousins and now my nieces and nephews all grew up here and literally never left. I will be the first person in my entire extended family to leave this city for longer than a few weeks, idk how I’m supposed to feel about that.

As much as I want to move away for myself, I actually love my family, I have a very good relationship with them, and if I do leave i will quite literally be isolating myself.

Any advice?
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urlocalinmate
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#2
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Regular video chat? I'd rather be close with your mum, you can always move out when the time is right. I'm sure leaving would take a toll on her health (this is fairly common). You still have a whole life and a large number of choices to make regarding where you live after Uni.
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xxx0xxxo
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If your city is very big, can't you still move out to halls even in the same city but a much further neighbourhood maybe 45-65 mins away, and attend either a uni campus around there or in the next city/town? That way you can stay locally but get a good amount of distance and be able to justify it.

I don't think it's a waste of money to move out even if you\re in the same city if it's big as you say. Sounds like your mum is worried about her own life without you so you still being 'local' means you can visit her whenever.
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PhoenixFortune
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#4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m in year 12 and looking into which unis I want to go to. I’m pretty adamant I want to get away for a few years, can’t tell you exactly why, I think I just need to be away, find out who I am away from what I’ve always known type of thing.

My mum really wants me to stay, and I find it hard to justify why I want to leave. We live in a very big city, and I’m looking at going to equally big cities. She thinks I’m doing it to get away from her, which in a way I am but it sounds awful to put it like that. I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can, she’s almost 60, with a lot of health problems. Her mum and grandmother both died in their 50s, so she’s all about living in the moment. And it’s true, she could live to be 100, or die tomorrow, or die while I’m 200 miles away at uni.

It’s not even just that guilt though, I’d also be really sad to leave everyone else. I will feel like I’m missing out. I’m the youngest of 6 siblings, and not 4 of which have moved out and all live within a ten minute drive of our house. The other one is in university in our city but still lives at home and has no plans to move away at all. Even every single one of my aunts and uncles lives very locally, my grandparents, mum/dad/aunts/uncles and siblings and cousins and now my nieces and nephews all grew up here and literally never left. I will be the first person in my entire extended family to leave this city for longer than a few weeks, idk how I’m supposed to feel about that.

As much as I want to move away for myself, I actually love my family, I have a very good relationship with them, and if I do leave i will quite literally be isolating myself.

Any advice?
You don't have to justify your decision, it's what you want to do. You don't want to look back on your life in 10 or 20 years time, and resent your family for influencing you to stay local when your heart wasn't in it. Just because everyone in your family has stayed local, that doesn't automatically mean that you have to stay local too. You can move away and live to be independent, and make your own social circle away from your pre-set family-related ones.

You might eventually want a job that isn't in your city, so you will probably move at some point anyway.
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Pearson Business School Rep
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#5
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m in year 12 and looking into which unis I want to go to. I’m pretty adamant I want to get away for a few years, can’t tell you exactly why, I think I just need to be away, find out who I am away from what I’ve always known type of thing.

My mum really wants me to stay, and I find it hard to justify why I want to leave. We live in a very big city, and I’m looking at going to equally big cities. She thinks I’m doing it to get away from her, which in a way I am but it sounds awful to put it like that. I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can, she’s almost 60, with a lot of health problems. Her mum and grandmother both died in their 50s, so she’s all about living in the moment. And it’s true, she could live to be 100, or die tomorrow, or die while I’m 200 miles away at uni.

It’s not even just that guilt though, I’d also be really sad to leave everyone else. I will feel like I’m missing out. I’m the youngest of 6 siblings, and not 4 of which have moved out and all live within a ten minute drive of our house. The other one is in university in our city but still lives at home and has no plans to move away at all. Even every single one of my aunts and uncles lives very locally, my grandparents, mum/dad/aunts/uncles and siblings and cousins and now my nieces and nephews all grew up here and literally never left. I will be the first person in my entire extended family to leave this city for longer than a few weeks, idk how I’m supposed to feel about that.

As much as I want to move away for myself, I actually love my family, I have a very good relationship with them, and if I do leave i will quite literally be isolating myself.

Any advice?
Hi, I hope you are well.

If you want to move out, go for it! University is something that you do for yourself and it should be the experience that you want it to be. If that means moving out, then so be it.

I personally didn’t move away from home, but that was because my commute was relatively quick and easy. However, a girl on my course is an international student. She loves her family more than anything and misses them so much when she is in England. But she stays in regular contact with them, and gets back to them as much as possible! She loves the experience of living away from home and going to the university that she wanted. So I would say follow your dreams, wherever that takes you.

Hope this helps.

Ilona - Pearson Business School Student Ambassador
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University of Derby
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#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m in year 12 and looking into which unis I want to go to. I’m pretty adamant I want to get away for a few years, can’t tell you exactly why, I think I just need to be away, find out who I am away from what I’ve always known type of thing.

My mum really wants me to stay, and I find it hard to justify why I want to leave. We live in a very big city, and I’m looking at going to equally big cities. She thinks I’m doing it to get away from her, which in a way I am but it sounds awful to put it like that. I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can, she’s almost 60, with a lot of health problems. Her mum and grandmother both died in their 50s, so she’s all about living in the moment. And it’s true, she could live to be 100, or die tomorrow, or die while I’m 200 miles away at uni.

It’s not even just that guilt though, I’d also be really sad to leave everyone else. I will feel like I’m missing out. I’m the youngest of 6 siblings, and not 4 of which have moved out and all live within a ten minute drive of our house. The other one is in university in our city but still lives at home and has no plans to move away at all. Even every single one of my aunts and uncles lives very locally, my grandparents, mum/dad/aunts/uncles and siblings and cousins and now my nieces and nephews all grew up here and literally never left. I will be the first person in my entire extended family to leave this city for longer than a few weeks, idk how I’m supposed to feel about that.

As much as I want to move away for myself, I actually love my family, I have a very good relationship with them, and if I do leave i will quite literally be isolating myself.

Any advice?
Hi there,

It's great that you're reaching out for advice on this. It sounds like a bit of a dilemma.

It can be really difficult for students who are the first, or one of the first, in their family to go to university. Not just because you haven't seen anyone else do it, but because it's different to what everyone else in your family did. But, that doesn't make it wrong and it shouldn't stop you. If it's what you want, try and ask for support in your decision. It's normal to feel sad when leaving, but you shouldn't really feel guilty by following your dreams.

As long as you make the effort to stay in touch, and make the most of your long summer and winter breaks from university by visiting your family, then you and your family will quickly get used to it I'm sure.

Can I ask, is this an assumption you are making about how they are perceiving your potential move, or have they explicitly said things that make you feel guilty? It could just be that you are assuming the worst, and they would actually be supportive of you once you commit to it. You could always try asking them directly, and making sure you tell them this is what you want to do - they should be proud of you (even if it is masked by the sadness of you leaving).

Best of luck!
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James - Student Rep
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Anonymous #2
#7
Report 1 month ago
#7
I can really relate to this, I'm in pretty much the same situation so I know how you feel.

But here's what I'm going to say. You don't live for other people. Go, and don't feel guilty. What you're feeling right now will stop you from a lot of opportunities in your life. You don't know what's on the other side because you've never seen it. What's the point of living if your decisions are going to be based on the comfort of other people?

Leaving your mum doesn't equal a cease of love and care for her, and vice versa. Separate or closeby, it's still there. It won't go away because you're further in distance. Also, think about this: would you feel more regret if you left and followed what you felt was right for you or if you stayed in the home that you've always been in with no new experiences?

With all that said though, have you considered moving out but not to such a far uni? I think that would make this situation easier.
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Anonymous #3
#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m in year 12 and looking into which unis I want to go to. I’m pretty adamant I want to get away for a few years, can’t tell you exactly why, I think I just need to be away, find out who I am away from what I’ve always known type of thing.

My mum really wants me to stay, and I find it hard to justify why I want to leave. We live in a very big city, and I’m looking at going to equally big cities. She thinks I’m doing it to get away from her, which in a way I am but it sounds awful to put it like that. I love her and want to spend as much time with her as I can, she’s almost 60, with a lot of health problems. Her mum and grandmother both died in their 50s, so she’s all about living in the moment. And it’s true, she could live to be 100, or die tomorrow, or die while I’m 200 miles away at uni.

It’s not even just that guilt though, I’d also be really sad to leave everyone else. I will feel like I’m missing out. I’m the youngest of 6 siblings, and not 4 of which have moved out and all live within a ten minute drive of our house. The other one is in university in our city but still lives at home and has no plans to move away at all. Even every single one of my aunts and uncles lives very locally, my grandparents, mum/dad/aunts/uncles and siblings and cousins and now my nieces and nephews all grew up here and literally never left. I will be the first person in my entire extended family to leave this city for longer than a few weeks, idk how I’m supposed to feel about that.

As much as I want to move away for myself, I actually love my family, I have a very good relationship with them, and if I do leave i will quite literally be isolating myself.

Any advice?
Honestly, move out!! Maybe move to a nearby city so you can easily visit on a weekend? It's the best thing i've ever done and you'll regret it so much especially if you don't do it during uni because it's your golden opportunity to experience independence whilst not living fully alone (as you'll have flatmates etc). I can relate to your post so much and it reminds me of when I was hesitant of moving out and I also relate to having a close relationship with my family and feeling guilt about leaving them. Just remember that uni is just 3 years (trust me it's not as long as you think), and uni holidays are quite long so you'll see your family more than you think. The first few months will be tough but by the end of first year you'll be so grateful for sticking through and having moved away. I just finished uni and trust me I'm already making plans to move out again because I miss the freedom/independance.
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