What am I doing wrong with my second dates?

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Anonymous #1
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21 Asian M Here. Never been in a relationship but want to be in a long-term one, and actively trying out dating again in 2021 after some brief first dates in 2020.For this month, I got my first second dates with different girls ever (progress)! All my dates have been so far on Hinge this year, if that matters.The issue is, those 2 second dates with two different girls have recently ended with rejection. I want to see what I'm doing wrong here as I've done similar things on both of those second dates.For those second dates, I had limited time due to work and personal obligations. Hence, although I wanted to try out activities (where you're not talking as much such as minigolf or ice skating), I didn't have the chance to and just went with lunch.For an example, for one of the girls, our first date was the classic coffee date. Things went reasonably well, conversations flowed, she seemed to be engaged, and we had some things in common. She agreed to a second date and but to the constraints I mentioned above, we ended up just having lunch and a walk around a park.I personally really enjoyed the second date as we had some things in common. A lot of it was talking which was sort of tiring, but again she was always engaged with the conversations. It lasted about 2-3 hours in total, but after when I asked for a third date it ended with her ghosting me.A thing to note is on all the dates I've been on, there's never been any physical contact and this was no exception. It seemed to be too soon to start holding hands, kissing mood wasn't there, and there was no activity to have any forced physical contact. However, as I mentioned, the conversations were still good.So that just leads me to confusion as to why the date didn't go well enough to have a third date. One of the problems could have been no physical contact as I mentioned earlier as I assume that would have generated some attraction. The major thing I speculate however, is I didn't do any activity like eg. minigolfing, where you're not talking as much but still enjoying each other's company and there's physical touching going on.So that's what I definitely plan to do next time I date another girl. The example with this girl is basically the same as with the other girl, so there must be a common trend of disattraction I seem to be experiencing.But I don't know it all so any feedback would be appreciated!
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Anonymous #2
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I'm not sure, it's tricky.

Personally if i have a first date at night and it's bar, easy going etc, the second date during the daytime or something more sober can make you scrutinise the person more or have more dry vibes.I've had great first dates with a guy but if the second date is too similar or doesn't feel like it went better, then I'm not that interested.

It's good to switch it up on second date and do a fun activity or something with a good atmosphere. Good conversation is important, but feeling excited is also important.. maybe it wasn't flirty enough or romantic in some way.

I always find the intense/deep conversations to be better at 3rd or 4th date. Girl here
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Justaboutalive
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm not sure, it's tricky.

Personally if i have a first date at night and it's bar, easy going etc, the second date during the daytime or something more sober can make you scrutinise the person more or have more dry vibes.I've had great first dates with a guy but if the second date is too similar or doesn't feel like it went better, then I'm not that interested.

It's good to switch it up on second date and do a fun activity or something with a good atmosphere. Good conversation is important, but feeling excited is also important.. maybe it wasn't flirty enough or romantic in some way.

I always find the intense/deep conversations to be better at 3rd or 4th date. Girl here
prsom!
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SkanPad
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Why didn't you escalate physically? They probably thought you were a friend.

Also, don't pigeon hole dates. Make sure you can do a fun activity. Don't do lunch. That's a friend thing.
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londonmyst
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You are probably not doing anything wrong.
The girls you met up with probably just had attraction dealbreakers, relationship preferences or lifestyles that you were not compatible with.

It takes time, luck and lots of patience for single people looking for a long term relationship to meet someone that they are mutually attacted to, feel comfortable around, share compatible ambitions and lifestyle preferences with.
Good luck on future dates!
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Dunnig Kruger
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You're doing fine so far. You're going on dates and you're learning.

Aim to do and to be more of everything.
More touching
More escalation
More jokes
More banter
More light hearted
More teasing - but not insulting nor bullying
Be more of a man
More honest and open - about the things where it's better to be honest and open from the start
More mysterious - about the things where it's better to keep them guessing and let them discover naturally over time
More willing to contradict her when she says or does something that you fundamentally don't agree with
More willing to walk away from them
More space for them between dates
More adrenalin on your dates
More harmless rule breaking on your dates
Contact more women and go on more dates
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ANM775
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(Original post by londonmyst)
You are probably not doing anything wrong.
The girls you met up with probably just had attraction dealbreakers, relationship preferences or lifestyles that you were not compatible with.

It takes time, luck and lots of patience for single people looking for a long term relationship to meet someone that they are mutually attacted to, feel comfortable around, share compatible ambitions and lifestyle preferences with.
Good luck on future dates!
He should be escalating physically for a kiss on the first date or second date max

If the girl isn't receptive to that after second date then bin her off, she's wasting his time and not sexually attracted to him.

also if this girl is internet dating she's probably talking with 10-15 different dudes at the same time so even if you have a great date there's still probably other people who she likes more..
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Megxn0
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(Original post by ANM775)
He should be escalating physically for a kiss on the first date or second date max

If the girl isn't receptive to that after second date then bin her off, she's wasting his time and not sexually attracted to him.

also if this girl is internet dating she's probably talking with 10-15 different dudes at the same time so even if you have a great date there's still probably other people who she likes more..
A guy trying too hard to escalate physically on the first date comes across as creepy and desperate. He’s right not to try on the 1st.
If they agree for a second date it means there must be some sort of attraction. I think 2nd date is best to try but still a bit soon (depending on how much they talk between the dates)
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ANM775
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(Original post by Megxn0)
A guy trying too hard to escalate physically on the first date comes across as creepy and desperate. He’s right not to try on the 1st.
If they agree for a second date it means there must be some sort of attraction. I think 2nd date is best to try but still a bit soon (depending on how much they talk between the dates)
I've been on a date before when there was no kiss on the first date, no kiss on the second date (if you can even call it that)
the girl was just stringing me along/trying to keep me sub benched as backup guy

There was another girl who refused my kiss on the first official date. we had met two times prior to that. the second time we met, i had already asked her out, she had accepted, and we was at a social event... and she spent most of the night not with me, but letting some other dude put his arm round her.

i actually walked out, and went home.. after that.
i sent her a msg and called her on it, she seemed very apologetic and assured me she had no interest in the guy and apologised for her behavior so which is why we then went out again for the official date, then she rejects my kiss at the end.

then later when we are chatting by text, goes all silent when i suggest we meet up again. so i basically tell her to forget it....and we dont speak again.
then a month later i randomly bump into her in a club and she see's me with another girl, and comes over all arms crossed and just stands there .....but at the end of the day she was never truely interested me. she's fickle as **** and just playing games or doesn't know what she wants...., but if i had just seen the signs in the first place like the blatant rebbufal of the kiss i could have saved myself a whole lot of bother and cut her lose sooner and concentrated on something else..

/sorry for the rant. but you got me going..
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Megxn0
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(Original post by ANM775)
I've been on a date before when there was no kiss on the first date, no kiss on the second date (if you can even call it that)
the girl was just stringing me along/trying to keep me sub benched as backup guy

There was another girl who refused my kiss on the first official date. we had met two times prior to that. the second time we met, i had already asked her out, she had accepted, and we was at a social event... and she spent most of the night not with me, but letting some other dude put his arm round her.

i actually walked out, and went home.. after that.
i sent her a msg and called her on it, she seemed very apologetic and assured me she had no interest in the guy and apologised for her behavior so which is why we then went out again for the official date, then she rejects my kiss at the end.

then later when we are chatting by text, goes all silent when i suggest we meet up again. so i basically tell her to forget it....and we dont speak again.
then a month later i randomly bump into her in a club and she see's me with another girl, and comes over all arms crossed and just stands there .....but at the end of the day she was never truely interested me. she's fickle as **** and just playing games or doesn't know what she wants...., but if i had just seen the signs in the first place like the blatant rebbufal of the kiss i could have saved myself a whole lot of bother and cut her lose sooner and concentrated on something else..

/sorry for the rant. but you got me going..
It’s okay ahahaha

I understand it can be frustrating but the example you gave is pretty specific to that girl who obviously just wanted to be centre of your attention.

I think when online dating in particular, trying to get a kiss the first time you meet can feel like they’re coming on true strong. My bf kissed me on our first ‘official’ date but we knew each other really well before this
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for the responses everyone! Sorry I just realised that awful formatting so I'll repost here. I'll get back to you all soon!

***
21 Asian M Here. Never been in a relationship but want to be in a long-term one, and actively trying out dating again in 2021 after some brief first dates in 2020.

For this month, I got my first second dates with different girls ever (progress)! All my dates have been so far on Hinge this year, if that matters.

The issue is, those 2 second dates with two different girls have recently ended with rejection. I want to see what I'm doing wrong here as I've done similar things on both of those second dates.

For those second dates, I had limited time due to work and personal obligations. Hence, although I wanted to try out activities (where you're not talking as much such as minigolf or ice skating), I didn't have the chance to and just went with lunch.

For an example, for one of the girls, our first date was the classic coffee date. Things went reasonably well, conversations flowed, she seemed to be engaged, and we had some things in common. She agreed to a second date and but to the constraints I mentioned above, we ended up just having lunch and a walk around a park.

I personally really enjoyed the second date as we had some things in common. A lot of it was talking which was sort of tiring, but again she was always engaged with the conversations. It lasted about 2-3 hours in total, but after when I asked for a third date it ended with her ghosting me.

A thing to note is on all the dates I've been on, there's never been any physical contact and this was no exception. It seemed to be too soon to start holding hands, kissing mood wasn't there, and there was no activity to have any forced physical contact. However, as I mentioned, the conversations were still good.

So that just leads me to confusion as to why the date didn't go well enough to have a third date. One of the problems could have been no physical contact as I mentioned earlier as I assume that would have generated some attraction. The major thing I speculate however, is I didn't do any activity like eg. minigolfing, where you're not talking as much but still enjoying each other's company and there's physical touching going on.

So that's what I definitely plan to do next time I date another girl. The example with this girl is basically the same as with the other girl, so there must be a common trend of disattraction I seem to be experiencing.

But I don't know it all so any feedback would be appreciated!
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Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#12
(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
You're doing fine so far. You're going on dates and you're learning.

Aim to do and to be more of everything.
More touching
More escalation
More jokes
More banter
More light hearted
More teasing - but not insulting nor bullying
Be more of a man
More honest and open - about the things where it's better to be honest and open from the start
More mysterious - about the things where it's better to keep them guessing and let them discover naturally over time
More willing to contradict her when she says or does something that you fundamentally don't agree with
More willing to walk away from them
More space for them between dates
More adrenalin on your dates
More harmless rule breaking on your dates
Contact more women and go on more dates
Thanks so much for the advice! Any examples of activities where these coild be easily implemented?
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neal95
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#13
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I think you need to strike the balance between being too keen but also show her that you are interested by holding hands or laughing etc. In my experience girls dont mind if you are kind of nervous and boyish, you can use it to make them laugh a bit and be at ease in your company, and then if they like that then you should be able to read the signals - sometimes they will want you to make that first move and hold their hand or hug them/kiss them whilst walking and talking and if you miss that moment then it can be hard to come back from as the moment will have gone. i

I think the more you go out on these dates the more comfortable you will get with the situation. Not every girl will want that so you will need to try and judge the situation. However I think if you make them laugh and you can clearly see they are enjoying themselves, then make a move. do NOT ask them if you can kiss them as I think that will turn them off. This is why you need to make sure you are reading the situation correctly and seeing if she is reciprocating. this will avoid offence/rejection/unwanted contact.

However it is a good sign that you are getting matches and dates, so i dont think you are doing badly at all. you just need to be a bit bolder and act on instinct a bit more i reckon. its fine to be nervous, it can be put down as boyish charm instead of nerves
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