Being chased... and not sure I like it

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I'm being bothered by this girl. We're both about 30. I should probably call her a woman instead then.

She's pressing for a relationship far too hard for my taste, in all the non-verbal ways. Wants to hang out a lot, etc. Tries to grab my hand. Not going to lie, I don't have much experience with relationships, nor do I care much. It was never a priority to me, and I generally prefer to mind my own.

I sort of enjoy spending time with her. She's a nice person. But I'm really not looking for anything serious for at least 6 months. And I'm not into the 'casual' stuff either. Neither is she. Even if someone 'special' came along I'd probably still take it super slow.

Plot twist: her and my best friend broke up 2 months ago. His version essentially was that she got far too attached and even possessive, although he's a little too nice to say so directly. He said "she liked me more than I liked her". I'm starting to see why.

She'll subtly glance at my phone any time I receive a text message. And will start observing my eyes when there are other girls/women around to see if I'm oggling them. It's irritating. More irritating than that, is that she's trying to constantly pull me away from my work and hobbies. Openly bothers me about it, even in front of people. I get some type of anxiety, when I am not on top of my sh*t and on track with my targets, so I often work a lot even during my spare time. Anybody who cannot accept that about me... we're not compatible full stop game over. The alternative is that when my anxiety kicks off because I feel like my life is peeling apart, I become a brute and start steamrolling people to get my way.

Another thing that just absolutely is a no go for me, she said she has gone "no contact" with long-term male friends of hers once she found out they were in serious relationships. Apparently so that their girlfriends wouldn't get jealous. As if you aren't allowed to have female friends once you're in a relationship. Nuts. I couldn't live with that.

She also tries to elbow her way into my personal life, almost inviting herself over to my place on slightly odd and spontaneous excuses. Thing is, I know if she "needs to use the toilet" (which takes max 10 minutes), she won't just leave after. And I have stuff to do and don't have 1-2 hours spare to 'Netflix & chill' or whatever.

I can also tell from the way she talks sometimes, that she likely has had suicidal thoughts a couple of times. It is has made me anxious of turning her down, also because I can be cold and brutal even when I try not to be. She only recently moved to the UK, comes from an abusive background, has very few meaningful friends here. I don't want her to think I don't care about her, because that's not true first of all, but also because it might unbalance her.

I probably should call her ex and find out from him how to deal with this instead. I'm putting it on here moreso to organise my thoughts than get advice. It has been distracting me the past few days in the back of my mind.
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
I suppose this is how I'll talk in the next decade or so... provided I get that far.
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Anonymous #2
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm being bothered by this girl. We're both about 30. I should probably call her a woman instead then.

She's pressing for a relationship far too hard for my taste, in all the non-verbal ways. Wants to hang out a lot, etc. Tries to grab my hand. Not going to lie, I don't have much experience with relationships, nor do I care much. It was never a priority to me, and I generally prefer to mind my own.

I sort of enjoy spending time with her. She's a nice person. But I'm really not looking for anything serious for at least 6 months. And I'm not into the 'casual' stuff either. Neither is she. Even if someone 'special' came along I'd probably still take it super slow.

Plot twist: her and my best friend broke up 2 months ago. His version essentially was that she got far too attached and even possessive, although he's a little too nice to say so directly. He said "she liked me more than I liked her". I'm starting to see why.

She'll subtly glance at my phone any time I receive a text message. And will start observing my eyes when there are other girls/women around to see if I'm oggling them. It's irritating. More irritating than that, is that she's trying to constantly pull me away from my work and hobbies. Openly bothers me about it, even in front of people. I get some type of anxiety, when I am not on top of my sh*t and on track with my targets, so I often work a lot even during my spare time. Anybody who cannot accept that about me... we're not compatible full stop game over. The alternative is that when my anxiety kicks off because I feel like my life is peeling apart, I become a brute and start steamrolling people to get my way.

Another thing that just absolutely is a no go for me, she said she has gone "no contact" with long-term male friends of hers once she found out they were in serious relationships. Apparently so that their girlfriends wouldn't get jealous. As if you aren't allowed to have female friends once you're in a relationship. Nuts. I couldn't live with that.

She also tries to elbow her way into my personal life, almost inviting herself over to my place on slightly odd and spontaneous excuses. Thing is, I know if she "needs to use the toilet" (which takes max 10 minutes), she won't just leave after. And I have stuff to do and don't have 1-2 hours spare to 'Netflix & chill' or whatever.

I can also tell from the way she talks sometimes, that she likely has had suicidal thoughts a couple of times. It is has made me anxious of turning her down, also because I can be cold and brutal even when I try not to be. She only recently moved to the UK, comes from an abusive background, has very few meaningful friends here. I don't want her to think I don't care about her, because that's not true first of all, but also because it might unbalance her.

I probably should call her ex and find out from him how to deal with this instead. I'm putting it on here moreso to organise my thoughts than get advice. It has been distracting me the past few days in the back of my mind.
Dude, you seem uber-depressed.
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Surnia
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#4
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#4
You aren't responsible for the mental health of this woman, so ignore the manipulation and emotional blackmail.

You need to be firm and tell her no, avoid her as much as possible, and block any calls/messages from her. She can't hang around for 2 hours if you don't let her in the house!
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WeAreSuchStuff
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#5
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#5
(Original post by Surnia)
You aren't responsible for the mental health of this woman
Rubbish.
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username5173262
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#6
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#6
30 year old woman, tell her to do one! Sounds like a 15 year old.
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Surnia
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#7
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(Original post by WeAreSuchStuff)
Rubbish.
It's not rubbish. If the OP does not want a relationship with this woman, he can tell her no and that's the end of it; up to her what she does next. Should he get involved with her out of concern because he thinks she has had suicidal thoughts? That's not a basis for anything meaningful.
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Anonymous #2
#8
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(Original post by Surnia)
It's not rubbish. If the OP does not want a relationship with this woman, he can tell her no and that's the end of it; up to her what she does next. Should he get involved with her out of concern because he thinks she has had suicidal thoughts? That's not a basis for anything meaningful.
That's definitely a little callous, just giving her the cold shoulder like that. Not aware how long they've been dating, but they're in a relationship, not an arranged marriage. Even then, the OP would be a factor in her wellbeing and obligated to her in some part, as her partner. From his narration of events, he seems to no longer be interested in the relationship, but I don't buy that he was forced into it or anything of the sort, that's poppycock. Both willfully consented to the relationship, and if she has an MHD, even more cause to ensure her welfare, not less.
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CaptainDuckie
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#9
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#9
I agree with Surnia,

OP, there is no way that you are going to be happy in a relationship with her if she has 1) been with your best friend and 2) being possessive.

Clearly this is not what you want. I think it’s best you tell her that you can’t put up with her behaviour any longer, and that you find that she’s taking on roles that she shouldn’t be taking and it’s making you uncomfortable about your whole relationship with her.
This should set a clear bold line that you are not available for anything further. Tell her that she cannot come to your place anymore like that uninvited as it’s an invasion of your personal space and that you simply have no time to socialise with her the way she wants you to.
Her mental health is not your business neither are you obligated to make her happy. Sure you should be cautious in how you say it but ultimately her issues are not burdening you in no way shape or form.
Tell her that you do care about her but you need to stop whatever is going on.
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Anonymous #2
#10
Report 1 month ago
#10
(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
I agree with Surnia,

OP, there is no way that you are going to be happy in a relationship with her if she has 1) been with your best friend and 2) being possessive.

Clearly this is not what you want. I think it’s best you tell her that you can’t put up with her behaviour any longer, and that you find that she’s taking on roles that she shouldn’t be taking and it’s making you uncomfortable about your whole relationship with her.
This should set a clear bold line that you are not available for anything further. Tell her that she cannot come to your place anymore like that uninvited as it’s an invasion of your personal space and that you simply have no time to socialise with her the way she wants you to.
Her mental health is not your business neither are you obligated to make her happy. Sure you should be cautious in how you say it but ultimately her issues are not burdening you in no way shape or form.
Tell her that you do care about her but you need to stop whatever is going on.
How insular.
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CaptainDuckie
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
How insular.


Really don’t care to be quite frank. If someone was on my neck like that, I would put all that aside. Past experiences from other people shouldn’t influence or burden you in any way shape or form in how you treat them. It starts becoming problematic this way. Yes, he can be there for her and reassure her, yes. But this is being intrusive, disrespectful and inconsiderate of her to be in OP’s business like that involuntarily.
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Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
That's definitely a little callous, just giving her the cold shoulder like that. Not aware how long they've been dating, but they're in a relationship, not an arranged marriage. Even then, the OP would be a factor in her wellbeing and obligated to her in some part, as her partner. From his narration of events, he seems to no longer be interested in the relationship, but I don't buy that he was forced into it or anything of the sort, that's poppycock. Both willfully consented to the relationship, and if she has an MHD, even more cause to ensure her welfare, not less.
I'm not her partner, and we've not even officially been dating. Though we had dinner & lunch a couple of time, there wasn't anything significantly 'deeper' to it for me. Once was to celebrate her getting a job and arriving back in the UK (because she had to leave for a bit). This one I paid for, just because. I didn't give it much deeper thought.

We've never even kissed, and I've avoided hand holding and the like.

I often do people favors, and tend to be significantly more generous with people I consider my friends. When she had to leave the country for a bit, I let her stay over (in separate beds, albeit same room because the other was already taken) because she had to leave really early next morning. I'd have done that for most friends. I didn't think much of it. But it may have likely misled her to believe I was making an exception for her. And I found her easy to hang out with initially, when her and my best friend were together. So I would. But even then, I got a vibe that she was interested in me as well. Which I even mentioned to him and one other person. I do not believe she would have attempted to cheat on him though.

If I knew her mental state, I'd have been treading more carefully to not give her the wrong idea or unintentionally lead her on.

Ultimately I can relate to her a bit. She's in a foreign country, hasn't got many people, had a really crappy family back home. I've not experienced identical circumstances, but similar in principle and it's difficult. I don't think she has problems making friends though, whereas I am a bit blunt and direct.
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Surnia
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#13
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#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
That's definitely a little callous, just giving her the cold shoulder like that. Not aware how long they've been dating, but they're in a relationship, not an arranged marriage. Even then, the OP would be a factor in her wellbeing and obligated to her in some part, as her partner. From his narration of events, he seems to no longer be interested in the relationship, but I don't buy that he was forced into it or anything of the sort, that's poppycock. Both willfully consented to the relationship, and if she has an MHD, even more cause to ensure her welfare, not less.
They aren't in a relationship; he says she's 'pressing' for one after a recent break-up, so why isn't her ex equally responsible for her?

Do you check on the wellbeing of anyone you've turned down or broken up with in case it had affected their mental health?
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Anonymous #2
#14
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm not her partner, and we've not even officially been dating. Though we had dinner & lunch a couple of time, there wasn't anything significantly 'deeper' to it for me. Once was to celebrate her getting a job and arriving back in the UK (because she had to leave for a bit). This one I paid for, just because. I didn't give it much deeper thought.

We've never even kissed, and I've avoided hand holding and the like.

I often do people favors, and tend to be significantly more generous with people I consider my friends. When she had to leave the country for a bit, I let her stay over (in separate beds, albeit same room because the other was already taken) because she had to leave really early next morning. I'd have done that for most friends. I didn't think much of it. But it may have likely misled her to believe I was making an exception for her. And I found her easy to hang out with initially, when her and my best friend were together. So I would. But even then, I got a vibe that she was interested in me as well. Which I even mentioned to him and one other person. I do not believe she would have attempted to cheat on him though.

If I knew her mental state, I'd have been treading more carefully to not give her the wrong idea or unintentionally lead her on.

Ultimately I can relate to her a bit. She's in a foreign country, hasn't got many people, had a really crappy family back home. I've not experienced identical circumstances, but similar in principle and it's difficult. I don't think she has problems making friends though, whereas I am a bit blunt and direct.
Ah, my bad, that clarifies things somewhat. You're just acquainted and, more or less, starting out then? In that case, I'd like to ask how well you know this woman? From your account, she seems very interested, but, things definitely aren't always the way we perceive them. It might be she's relying on you for solidarity as she finds her footing in a different place in her life. Some women just seem very clingy, it doesn't mean she's in love with you or anything.

If you know her quite well though, then I recommend ending things as they are in as light-hearted a way as you can manage, sort of laughing her off but with some assertiveness (not nearly as difficult as it sounds). You wouldn't want to spoil things completely, I imagine, if you are to see one another quite regularly.

I'm not sure what you mean by being "cold and brutal" either, which you've hinted at more than once on here. I imagine you're speaking on the grounds of some past relationships which perhaps did not end so well. You don't seem in great spirits, as I said before but, if you're speaking more generally, I'd say, I'm considered quite a blunt person myself and it hasn't caused me as many problems as perhaps it should have. I'd say if you organise your thoughts beforehand, try not to get worked up, and be nonchalant about how you say things, you should be fine. Maybe not giving constant direct eye contact, for example, which can seem lupine and aggressive. Of course, I don't know that much about you, so I can't say for certain if you'd struggle with this or not.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Surnia)
They aren't in a relationship; he says she's 'pressing' for one after a recent break-up, so why isn't her ex equally responsible for her?

Do you check on the wellbeing of anyone you've turned down or broken up with in case it had affected their mental health?
Never been in a relationship, so this doesn't really apply to me. I'm sure if I had, I absolutely would.
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