What would you do in this relationship? [TW]

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I am a male [23], and she is a female [23].

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 + years. It has been a narcissistic abusive relationship from her end towards me. For the first 3 years I did not even realise this, I only recently became aware, she has repeatedly abused me emotionally and sometimes physically, and has cheated on me but I love her so much and always gave chances thinking that we are starting from a clean slate.

I have been left traumatised from our relationship, I have had depression and anxiety from before I met her and some of my own trauma (which hasn't affected me until she started the abuse), all of this has worsened since I got in the relationship, she constantly aplogises afterwards and swears never to do it again but has always broken this promise, she has constantly lied and hidden things from me to the point it seemed like second nature, it's been a year since she's cheated on me last and she has shown signs of accepting her mistakes rather than gaslighting me.

I failed university due to one of these events taking place and I recently started again in 2020. In the gap year that I had I worked 7 days a week to save enough money to fund myself.

I have been out of work for a year as the last time she cheated on me (start of 2020) it really messed me up i am seeking professional help, however, i feel now she has been emotionally manipulating and abusing me, she doesn't take an active interest in supporting my recovery, we cant meet in person as she is always working (she works 5 days at a law firm), we meet perhaps once every three months and its for a few hours, we very rarely talk on phone because she says she is busy at work. At home due to our culture and religion, we are not allowed to date so she keeps me a secret and cannot call at home or weekend, she barely texts at home too as she says she fears getting caught and has chores and responsibilities, i see her online on whatsapp but she says its work related (she has clients messaging her for updates etc). I have been communicating how this is affecting me and made sure to say that 'I feel or this makes me feel' language instead of 'you did this and that etc' but she apologies, she makes promises and then doesn't do anything to make it happen, like giving me false hope. I have communicated that I feel neglected and not a priority and she told me I am jumping to conclusions and that's she's just too busy to support me how she would like to.

She forgets almost all of my appointments and she doesn't reply to 90% of my texts, even on the days where i clearly need support. (Even when I attempted suicide she didn't offer extra support, I begged her to meet me but she didn't and said she couldn't make the time)

She will only meet me if i beg her to, and only half text me if i beg her to. She frequently says shes sorry and that i deserve better, she also says she fears that when i tell therapists about our relationship that they would convince me to leave her and that she'd die if i left. I dont feel like this is true at all, all her actions and inactions and lack of support, empathy and care suggests otherwise.

She says to me shes so busy she doesn't even have time for herself yet shes always flaunting it in my face that thats not the case. e.g. she goes cinemas and to chill with her friends, to go shopping or go travelling and exploring, she goes to gym, she takes care of her body and hair and face, she constantly smiles and laughs with everyone else and i constantly feel like its my fault that im asking too much and being needy. But I also feel at the same time that I am begging for the bare minium in a relationship. I understand that the above mentioned is self care and perfectly healthy and normal, I wouldn't want her to not do that, I'm just trying to give perspective as to when she says she doesn't take care of herself but she does. Another few examples is I asked her if she could help remind me to take my antidepressant and mood disorder medications as I forget to, I take like 6 a day, and she said she can't remember to do that and said that I don't remind her to take her multivitamins so its the same as that. She always suggests to me that once we are married that we will be happier, and that she will be able to support me better then. I got into a relationship with marriage in mind and she made it seem like she did too at the time, when we first met she displayed a perfect copy of myself and I was attracted to that mindset and values, but over the years its as if a veil was lifted and her true self was revealed.

Last week is the first appointment i had with my mental health coordinator (due to the pandemic I've been in a waiting list) and part of my discussion was about our relationship, they advised me they would enrol me om a course on abuse alongside my therapy and meds and gave me ressurances and confidence that I can get better and recover, gain my self worth and confidence again.

My gf asked me what they said about her and I said I haven't discussed it in detail I am going to talk about my healing process through with a professional therapist, and that until then I am going to try and take better care of myself and my mental health.

This is the first time I said this to her, and I didn't realise until recently that although I was suffering with little to no support for so long, I was supporting my gf continuously as if I had no issues myself, I realised that I have become an empty shell of who I once was before I met her.

Since this conversation with her, she has started texting me even less, before she would tell me if she went anywhere, (out of courtesy it was never a demand) but now she doesn't tell me anything and I just see her uploads on social media.

She would reply to me every few hours even if it was one text to say she's at work or busy or had lunch, now she is texting me after 10-12 hours. She has stopped taking an interest and I am beginning to feel like I never really knew her and that she might not ever change.

I just wanted to get some opinions on my situation and if I am being unreasonable in my thought process as in all honesty I have become so beat down that I don't trust that I know what's best anymore. I am asking on here as I have been isolated from all of my friends, I do not have contact with anyone anymore, only my mental health professionals and I would like a more personal opinion or if anyone has been in similar situations, should I leave or stay patient? Is there a chance that it's all miscommunication and that she doesn't have any malicious intent?
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samcerse
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#2
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Dear Anon, RUN and don’t look back. You deserve a lot more. If you feel like you need to talk about it to someone or need support my PMs are open, please do not hesitate. There is just never enough excuse to stay in an abusive and manipulative relationships, ever!
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Muttley79
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#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am a male [23], and she is a female [23].

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 + years. It has been a narcissistic abusive relationship from her end towards me. For the first 3 years I did not even realise this, I only recently became aware, she has repeatedly abused me emotionally and sometimes physically, and has cheated on me but I love her so much and always gave chances thinking that we are starting from a clean slate.

I have been left traumatised from our relationship, I have had depression and anxiety from before I met her and some of my own trauma (which hasn't affected me until she started the abuse), all of this has worsened since I got in the relationship, she constantly aplogises afterwards and swears never to do it again but has always broken this promise, she has constantly lied and hidden things from me to the point it seemed like second nature, it's been a year since she's cheated on me last and she has shown signs of accepting her mistakes rather than gaslighting me.

I failed university due to one of these events taking place and I recently started again in 2020. In the gap year that I had I worked 7 days a week to save enough money to fund myself.
Please leave her - she is toxic and you need to focus on your own mental health

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.
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shooonthebeat
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She is extremely manipulative and does not care about you at all. The fact that she didn't even support when you tried to commit suicide just shows how much she really doesn't care. This relationship is very damaging to your mental health. For your own good, please break up with her. You deserve a lot better and for now, you're much better off on your own.
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Kerzen
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She doesn't actually sound like a girlfriend, more like just someone you know.

I would suggest not contacting her for a while and making life better for yourself.

It doesn't sound like she is bringing anything positive to your life at all.
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Mesopotamian.
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I didn’t even read the entire OP and I already know the answer: end it.
Last edited by Mesopotamian.; 1 month ago
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CaptainDuckie
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Sorry to hear about your depression. Honestly, I think this relationship that you have with her is not benefitting you at all; she seems to have problems of manipulation, dishonesty and lack of enthusiasm. You kept on giving her chances because you are looking at the duration you have been with her as a trophy rather than weighing up the effects of her actions. As I always say, someone you know for a day or a week, can behave better than someone you knew for 1 year. When she lies to you continuously and breaks her promises like that, you are left with no choice but always question everything that she tells you because she’s inconsiderate of your feelings. She seems like a rather compulsive liar and would lie to be with you, she’s not being honest to herself. You are doing no good to yourself by accepting her back if you know she will do the same thing. I know it’s hard but you need to set a clear bold line with her because she thinks that you are emotionally chained to her and that’s exactly what it looks like. Snap out of it.
The relationship has little communication, she’s not messaging you, you are left with no body for support. She is a baggage that you are carrying for nothing. If she is so busy to support you, maybe you are just better off single tbh. She’s clearly apologising for not supporting you but she is not showing enthusiasm to your struggles when you want her to. It seems like the relationship is coming to an end for the better if she is not choosing to change or give you the bare minimum in terms of emotional support, or even a listening ear. If you’re not happy in this relationship then I’d urge you to end things quickly and prioritise your own mental health above anything.
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londonmyst
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I would end it and amend my dating dealbreaker to avoid ever allowing a repeat performance with a new partner.
Then plan to move on to a happier future.
Good luck!
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lucyyy12
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seriously end it.
she’s not there for you and she’s only hurting you.
focus on yourself and improving your life and mental health.
your happiness and mental health comes before anything else.
hopefully you’ll start to feel better soon Xx
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Caruso the goat
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Bruh, she cheated and took her back. That's your first mistake.
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NonIndigenous
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#11
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am a male [23], and she is a female [23].

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 + years. It has been a narcissistic abusive relationship from her end towards me. For the first 3 years I did not even realise this, I only recently became aware, she has repeatedly abused me emotionally and sometimes physically, and has cheated on me but I love her so much and always gave chances thinking that we are starting from a clean slate.

I have been left traumatised from our relationship, I have had depression and anxiety from before I met her and some of my own trauma (which hasn't affected me until she started the abuse), all of this has worsened since I got in the relationship, she constantly aplogises afterwards and swears never to do it again but has always broken this promise, she has constantly lied and hidden things from me to the point it seemed like second nature, it's been a year since she's cheated on me last and she has shown signs of accepting her mistakes rather than gaslighting me.

I failed university due to one of these events taking place and I recently started again in 2020. In the gap year that I had I worked 7 days a week to save enough money to fund myself.

I have been out of work for a year as the last time she cheated on me (start of 2020) it really messed me up i am seeking professional help, however, i feel now she has been emotionally manipulating and abusing me, she doesn't take an active interest in supporting my recovery, we cant meet in person as she is always working (she works 5 days at a law firm), we meet perhaps once every three months and its for a few hours, we very rarely talk on phone because she says she is busy at work. At home due to our culture and religion, we are not allowed to date so she keeps me a secret and cannot call at home or weekend, she barely texts at home too as she says she fears getting caught and has chores and responsibilities, i see her online on whatsapp but she says its work related (she has clients messaging her for updates etc). I have been communicating how this is affecting me and made sure to say that 'I feel or this makes me feel' language instead of 'you did this and that etc' but she apologies, she makes promises and then doesn't do anything to make it happen, like giving me false hope. I have communicated that I feel neglected and not a priority and she told me I am jumping to conclusions and that's she's just too busy to support me how she would like to.

She forgets almost all of my appointments and she doesn't reply to 90% of my texts, even on the days where i clearly need support. (Even when I attempted suicide she didn't offer extra support, I begged her to meet me but she didn't and said she couldn't make the time)

She will only meet me if i beg her to, and only half text me if i beg her to. She frequently says shes sorry and that i deserve better, she also says she fears that when i tell therapists about our relationship that they would convince me to leave her and that she'd die if i left. I dont feel like this is true at all, all her actions and inactions and lack of support, empathy and care suggests otherwise.

She says to me shes so busy she doesn't even have time for herself yet shes always flaunting it in my face that thats not the case. e.g. she goes cinemas and to chill with her friends, to go shopping or go travelling and exploring, she goes to gym, she takes care of her body and hair and face, she constantly smiles and laughs with everyone else and i constantly feel like its my fault that im asking too much and being needy. But I also feel at the same time that I am begging for the bare minium in a relationship. I understand that the above mentioned is self care and perfectly healthy and normal, I wouldn't want her to not do that, I'm just trying to give perspective as to when she says she doesn't take care of herself but she does. Another few examples is I asked her if she could help remind me to take my antidepressant and mood disorder medications as I forget to, I take like 6 a day, and she said she can't remember to do that and said that I don't remind her to take her multivitamins so its the same as that. She always suggests to me that once we are married that we will be happier, and that she will be able to support me better then. I got into a relationship with marriage in mind and she made it seem like she did too at the time, when we first met she displayed a perfect copy of myself and I was attracted to that mindset and values, but over the years its as if a veil was lifted and her true self was revealed.

Last week is the first appointment i had with my mental health coordinator (due to the pandemic I've been in a waiting list) and part of my discussion was about our relationship, they advised me they would enrol me om a course on abuse alongside my therapy and meds and gave me ressurances and confidence that I can get better and recover, gain my self worth and confidence again.

My gf asked me what they said about her and I said I haven't discussed it in detail I am going to talk about my healing process through with a professional therapist, and that until then I am going to try and take better care of myself and my mental health.

This is the first time I said this to her, and I didn't realise until recently that although I was suffering with little to no support for so long, I was supporting my gf continuously as if I had no issues myself, I realised that I have become an empty shell of who I once was before I met her.

Since this conversation with her, she has started texting me even less, before she would tell me if she went anywhere, (out of courtesy it was never a demand) but now she doesn't tell me anything and I just see her uploads on social media.

She would reply to me every few hours even if it was one text to say she's at work or busy or had lunch, now she is texting me after 10-12 hours. She has stopped taking an interest and I am beginning to feel like I never really knew her and that she might not ever change.

I just wanted to get some opinions on my situation and if I am being unreasonable in my thought process as in all honesty I have become so beat down that I don't trust that I know what's best anymore. I am asking on here as I have been isolated from all of my friends, I do not have contact with anyone anymore, only my mental health professionals and I would like a more personal opinion or if anyone has been in similar situations, should I leave or stay patient? Is there a chance that it's all miscommunication and that she doesn't have any malicious intent?
In the context of everything you have said, that "she barely texts at home too as she says she fears getting caught and has chores and responsibilities" is a load of excuses and bullsh*t coming from people like her. If she wanted to make the time, she would. She makes time for her friends. She makes time for her clients. She made time for whoever tf it was whom she cheated on you with. It is far more likely that it is her culture and her family that are keeping her in line from sleeping around with every Tom **** and Harry, than any commitment she feels towards you.

Your problem, is that you have promised her a marriage. Not many men will do that off the bat like you did. She's not interested in you. If anything, she's interested in the 'benefits' that the marriage will bring her. Whatever those may be, I can't be bothered to dissect it.

She has shown self-awareness of who and what she is, and yet does nothing to change. Her self-conscious remarks with respect to you seeking therapy are the best examples of that. Frankly, I even think she is dangerous and I'd enjoy personally loosing my foot up her ego.

Here is what you can do, if you want to get under her skin: don't break up with her, officially. Just stop messaging her. Once she gives you a chase, send her short responses like "ok", "yes", "no". Or even better just use sign language & emojis. Agree a time to meet up, then cancel an hour before and give some shallow excuse that is obviously made up. If she challenges you on it, tell her that she's controlling you and being patronising. Send her a birthday card 2 days too early with the wrong date on it. Or even better, the wrong name (some other girl, who happens to be your cousin whom she doesn't know about). Then say it was an innocent mistake and you got the envelopes wrong. Tell her you want to spend the weekend with her in a beach resort, then cancel last minute because you twisted your ankle. Then post a selfie of yourself in the gym on Facebook, on that same weekend. etc. You get the idea. That's how you fkk with these people. That's how you fkk with anyone, but normal decent people don't deserve this treatment, and nor do they put up with it. Ironically, she probably would put up with it. Even I can't explain it very well. She would probably put up with it, because it would make her angry. Narcissists like being angry, it makes them feel more 'alive'. But what they don't like, is not feeling in control. That's what you would take away from her. Once she starts potentially deteriorating and becoming more psychotic in response to all this, break up with her officially, citing that as the reason.

Your choice. Depends how much free time you have and how vindictive you are feeling. Personally I probably could not be ar.sed with all that. I always ask myself before doing something "how does this actually benefit me or anyone else". Personally, I'd probably just stop messaging her. Give her the short responses. Get her paranoid & wondering what is wrong, which will elevate her emotional investment in you. Then when she demands to know what the problem is, break up, and give my reasons why. That way, she is at least more likely to listen and take it to heart. Otherwise, if you broke up right now... she probably would not care. It might surprise her, but she'd be over it pretty quickly. Breaking up at that moment would be the hardest thing for you, because her increased emotional investment would likely deceive you into thinking that she gives a dam*n about you, when she in fact doesn't. Her type only gives a dam*n about herself, and would be afraid of losing you. It's not the same.
Last edited by NonIndigenous; 1 month ago
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