Is my partner genuinely concerned about me or does he just not want me there?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I’ll start off with saying a brief thing about me. I suffer with anxiety and triggers, sometimes related to drunk people and I’m pretty reserved in social situations and new people. I don’t drink often and tend to stay away from drugs etc.. but I am not completely against a night out once in awhile. I’m usually better on a 1-1 thing but I have been trying to socialise a bit more recently and gone out with my friend to pubs. I’m trying my best not to coop away and be sad because my nan passed away in April and we scattered her ashes this Sunday gone. So I’ve enjoyed keeping myself busy etc.

With that in mind.. my bf met up with his 2 friends and one of the friends gf the other day when I was at my family’s. The one friend mentioned a party he was having and said my partner should go. He text me about it and I didn’t have the impression I was invited, but I also know his friend and don’t think he’d mind me going so I asked if I was invited too. My bf said it would totally be fine.

So he left his one friend and the gf and stayed with the other friend at a pub. He told his friend that I was keen to go. His friend apparently looked at him and said “really?” As if to say, she’s keen? My bf explained that he seems to have the impression I don’t drink much and didn’t think I’d enjoy the party. So I’m like.. ok? A little offended because it’s basically a judgment but it’s also whatever.

So I’ve come back today and my bf is literally asking me do I really want to go, he doesn’t think I’ll enjoy it etc. we had a big blow up because even though I can see where he’s coming from he said he doesn’t want me to be triggered or anxious with drunk people and possibly some drugs and he “doesn’t know what the environment will be like” and doesn’t want me to be miserable.. I also feel like, I’m a burden for him.

He’s said things like “I don’t want to hold your hand” and “I don’t want to nurse you” which I find really upsetting because I don’t expect that. My bf doesn’t know anyone at the party other than his two friends, so I just assumed I’d be with my partner and them and it would be fine.. but my bf is coming up with these scenarios like “what if I want to go off with my friend” “or if I go to the toilet and I start talking to someone” he said “I just want to relax and have a drink” - I said cool me too?

I feel like he’s made this into a whole big thing, and of course I don’t want him to hold my hand but ultimately I am going to be with him for the night as I don’t know anybody.. I don’t see the big issue with it? If I end up talking to people I will, if I feel uncomfortable then I will. I can’t know until I go and do it.

Am I crazy to feel like he’s subtly trying to say I shouldn’t go for his benefit rather than my own? He’s said that he does want me to go but only if I enjoy it.. but how can I now enjoy it if I feel like he doesn’t want me there?

I just wish he didn’t make it a big negative thing. Personally I don’t understand, if I did have a bad night and didn’t enjoy it.. I’d expect my boyfriend to support me through it.. I’m not the type to stop him having fun but I really feel like I’m being pushed aside, when I haven’t even gone and experienced it yet. He’s put into my head that it would be a bad time for me.
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 1 month ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’ll start off with saying a brief thing about me. I suffer with anxiety and triggers, sometimes related to drunk people and I’m pretty reserved in social situations and new people. I don’t drink often and tend to stay away from drugs etc.. but I am not completely against a night out once in awhile. I’m usually better on a 1-1 thing but I have been trying to socialise a bit more recently and gone out with my friend to pubs. I’m trying my best not to coop away and be sad because my nan passed away in April and we scattered her ashes this Sunday gone. So I’ve enjoyed keeping myself busy etc.

With that in mind.. my bf met up with his 2 friends and one of the friends gf the other day when I was at my family’s. The one friend mentioned a party he was having and said my partner should go. He text me about it and I didn’t have the impression I was invited, but I also know his friend and don’t think he’d mind me going so I asked if I was invited too. My bf said it would totally be fine.

So he left his one friend and the gf and stayed with the other friend at a pub. He told his friend that I was keen to go. His friend apparently looked at him and said “really?” As if to say, she’s keen? My bf explained that he seems to have the impression I don’t drink much and didn’t think I’d enjoy the party. So I’m like.. ok? A little offended because it’s basically a judgment but it’s also whatever.

So I’ve come back today and my bf is literally asking me do I really want to go, he doesn’t think I’ll enjoy it etc. we had a big blow up because even though I can see where he’s coming from he said he doesn’t want me to be triggered or anxious with drunk people and possibly some drugs and he “doesn’t know what the environment will be like” and doesn’t want me to be miserable.. I also feel like, I’m a burden for him.

He’s said things like “I don’t want to hold your hand” and “I don’t want to nurse you” which I find really upsetting because I don’t expect that. My bf doesn’t know anyone at the party other than his two friends, so I just assumed I’d be with my partner and them and it would be fine.. but my bf is coming up with these scenarios like “what if I want to go off with my friend” “or if I go to the toilet and I start talking to someone” he said “I just want to relax and have a drink” - I said cool me too?

I feel like he’s made this into a whole big thing, and of course I don’t want him to hold my hand but ultimately I am going to be with him for the night as I don’t know anybody.. I don’t see the big issue with it? If I end up talking to people I will, if I feel uncomfortable then I will. I can’t know until I go and do it.

Am I crazy to feel like he’s subtly trying to say I shouldn’t go for his benefit rather than my own? He’s said that he does want me to go but only if I enjoy it.. but how can I now enjoy it if I feel like he doesn’t want me there?

I just wish he didn’t make it a big negative thing. Personally I don’t understand, if I did have a bad night and didn’t enjoy it.. I’d expect my boyfriend to support me through it.. I’m not the type to stop him having fun but I really feel like I’m being pushed aside, when I haven’t even gone and experienced it yet. He’s put into my head that it would be a bad time for me.
Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety, or do you have any good coping mechanisms in case something happens? I think dealing with that better is important even if that's not the point of this post.

I think it's also important that couples have lives outside of their partners too - you can go off on your own with different things but still be and enjoy time with each other. The way he said it 'I don't want to hold your hand' was pretty rude. The nursing thing too. How much experience do you have with parties if you know drinking is a trigger for you? Maybe go to some parties where you know and trust more people rather than showing up and knowing no one, because unless you plan on sitting with your boyfriend the whole time, you'll have to talk to other people and socialise with them.

I guess it's your choice in going, but I see where he's coming from. He thinks it's something you won't enjoy, and based off what you said it sounds like you might not. Him wanting to be able to leave your side and go off to drink or whatever, is not wrong. Some people like sitting in one spot and talking, others like to move around and chat to new people etc. You're right that you won't know for sure your reaction, but now he feels like he can't leave you because he knows you won't have a good time if he's not there with you the whole time.

I don't think its that he doesn't want you there, it's that he knows its not something you enjoy and he will. You two seem like very different people in that sense. 'I'd expect him to support me through it' - that's perfectly reasonable, but he wants to go and drink with friends, not sit and feel like he has to make sure you're not being triggered by anything around you. Do you think it would be a good time for you? How much emotional support do you depend on him for? That might get heavy. I think you should speak to someone about your mental health issues because it's not fair on him for you to fully rely on him.

I'd say that you two need to have a proper conversation about this and you need to decide if you want to go or not. There's probably things you do that he wouldn't necessarily enjoy but it's nice to have things you can do with other people that don't involve your partner. You can enjoy time apart and time together.
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