Am I a burden for him or is he genuinely concerned?

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Anonymous #1
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I’ll start off with saying a brief thing about me. I suffer with anxiety and triggers, sometimes related to drunk people and I’m pretty reserved in social situations and new people. I don’t drink often and tend to stay away from drugs etc.. but I am not completely against a night out once in awhile. I’m usually better on a 1-1 thing but I have been trying to socialise a bit more recently and gone out with my friend to pubs. I’m trying my best not to coop away and be sad because my nan passed away in April and we scattered her ashes this Sunday gone. So I’ve enjoyed keeping myself busy etc.

With that in mind.. my bf met up with his 2 friends and one of the friends gf the other day when I was at my family’s. The one friend mentioned a party he was having and said my partner should go. He text me about it and I didn’t have the impression I was invited, but I also know his friend and don’t think he’d mind me going so I asked if I was invited too. My bf said it would totally be fine.

So he left his one friend and the gf and stayed with the other friend at a pub. He told his friend that I was keen to go. His friend apparently looked at him and said “really?” As if to say, she’s keen? My bf explained that he seems to have the impression I don’t drink much and didn’t think I’d enjoy the party. So I’m like.. ok? A little offended because it’s basically a judgment but it’s also whatever.

So I’ve come back today and my bf is literally asking me do I really want to go, he doesn’t think I’ll enjoy it etc. we had a big blow up because even though I can see where he’s coming from he said he doesn’t want me to be triggered or anxious with drunk people and possibly some drugs and he “doesn’t know what the environment will be like” and doesn’t want me to be miserable.. I also feel like, I’m a burden for him.

He’s said things like “I don’t want to hold your hand” and “I don’t want to nurse you” which I find really upsetting because I don’t expect that. My bf doesn’t know anyone at the party other than his two friends, so I just assumed I’d be with my partner and them and it would be fine.. but my bf is coming up with these scenarios like “what if I want to go off with my friend” “or if I go to the toilet and I start talking to someone” he said “I just want to relax and have a drink” - I said cool me too?

I feel like he’s made this into a whole big thing, and of course I don’t want him to hold my hand but ultimately I am going to be with him for the night as I don’t know anybody.. I don’t see the big issue with it? If I end up talking to people I will, if I feel uncomfortable then I will. I can’t know until I go and do it.

Am I crazy to feel like he’s subtly trying to say I shouldn’t go for his benefit rather than my own? He’s said that he does want me to go but only if I enjoy it.. but how can I now enjoy it if I feel like he doesn’t want me there?

I just wish he didn’t make it a big negative thing. Personally I don’t understand, if I did have a bad night and didn’t enjoy it.. I’d expect my boyfriend to support me through it.. I’m not the type to stop him having fun but I really feel like I’m being pushed aside, when I haven’t even gone and experienced it yet. He’s put into my head that it would be a bad time for me.
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CaptainDuckie
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So you don’t do drugs, and you want to go out in a place where people are probably going to be doing drugs?
Honestly, from the looks of it, it seems that you are trying to just go out with your boyfriend because you don’t trust him in a social setting with drinks. Being next to him when he’s trying to have fun can be a bit restricting at times. He just wants to go out to a party with his friends and you’re forcing to be with him. I agree with his friend, it’s a pretty reasonable judgement that you wouldn’t like the setting. If your bf doesn’t want you there then it’s quite clear that he doesn’t. It does seem like he’ll be holding your hand and not have fun.
You’re being pretty unreasonable and fairly annoying tbh.
Last edited by CaptainDuckie; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
So you don’t do drugs, and you want to go out in a place where people are probably going to be doing drugs?
Honestly, from the looks of it, it seems that you are trying to just go out with your boyfriend because you don’t trust him in a social setting with drinks. Being next to him when he’s trying to have fun can be a bit restricting at times. He just wants to go out to a party with his friends and you’re forcing to be with him. I agree with his friend, it’s a pretty reasonable judgement that you wouldn’t like the setting. If your bf doesn’t want you there then it’s quite clear that he doesn’t. It does seem like he’ll be holding your hand and not have fun.
You’re being pretty unreasonable and fairly annoying tbh.
Just because I don’t do drugs doesn’t mean I can’t go out and have a good time and converse with people. That’s pretty ignorant. Thanks for your judgment though. Actually he goes out a lot with his friends without me. I trust him, I don’t have an issue. I actually wanted to go and enjoy myself. My Nan passed away and I don’t particularly want to be cooped up on my own. I’ve been going out with my friend a lot and getting out there more, not allowing my anxiety to hold me back. So when I’m labelled and pushed aside for no reason then i’m gonna find it weird.

Im not forcing anything he isn’t being straight with me. He’s suggesting I wouldn’t like it but saying “I want you to go if you’ll enjoy it” which isn’t reassuring to me. The last thing I want to do is go somewhere I’m not welcome. And that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

I can hold my own hand. I’m not a child. Maybe actually read the post for what it is and not make a judgement based on someone saying they have anxiety. It doesn’t mean I can’t go out and enjoy things and the mentality you have about it is all wrong.

Many times my partner has been invited out and declined and his friends have made the assumptions that it’s because of me. In the end when they invited us once before and he didn’t want to go, I went without him to shut them up.. because people always assume the ones with anxiety or the girlfriends are holding the boyfriends back from doing stuff. No, that’s not the case. Im not stopping him having fun, he’s stopping me.
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Anonymous #1
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Also, just because I was honest about my triggers and anxieties to show people that’s why my boyfriend could feel how he does about it.. it doesn’t mean that I will always get triggered. I can struggle sometimes but I am capable of doing social things. I can’t know how I will be until I go and do it.
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CaptainDuckie
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Just because I don’t do drugs doesn’t mean I can’t go out and have a good time and converse with people. That’s pretty ignorant. Thanks for your judgment though. Actually he goes out a lot with his friends without me. I trust him, I don’t have an issue. I actually wanted to go and enjoy myself. My Nan passed away and I don’t particularly want to be cooped up on my own. I’ve been going out with my friend a lot and getting out there more, not allowing my anxiety to hold me back. So when I’m labelled and pushed aside for no reason then i’m gonna find it weird.

Im not forcing anything he isn’t being straight with me. He’s suggesting I wouldn’t like it but saying “I want you to go if you’ll enjoy it” which isn’t reassuring to me. The last thing I want to do is go somewhere I’m not welcome. And that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

I can hold my own hand. I’m not a child. Maybe actually read the post for what it is and not make a judgement based on someone saying they have anxiety. It doesn’t mean I can’t go out and enjoy things and the mentality you have about it is all wrong.

Many times my partner has been invited out and declined and his friends have made the assumptions that it’s because of me. In the end when they invited us once before and he didn’t want to go, I went without him to shut them up.. because people always assume the ones with anxiety or the girlfriends are holding the boyfriends back from doing stuff. No, that’s not the case. Im not stopping him having fun, he’s stopping me.


Since you’re usually better in 1-1 settings, and you’re sad about your nan or what not, go ahead and book something separate for the both of you to attend. He might want to just bond with his friend and with you there you are heavily restricting him from doing so. This is why sometimes you need space in a relationship and you are not giving him that at all. It may well be the case that you’re pushed aside but I think it’s a reasonable “pushing aside” in this case, you don’t see your bf trying to go out with you and your friend do you? Because that is a time that you are spending with her. Well now clearly you aren’t welcome since he does not want you to go, so just take it on the chin and don’t go.
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