after 4 years i need help walking away

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
#1
i have been with my SO for 4 years and its just time. we are not the same people we used to be and the differences are just too much between us now. but i dont have a understanding for how to go about ending it. for example i use his old phone and he pays for the contract. i cant afford a new phone right now. i could get a new contract like a cheap one with no phone for £10 but then it does look like i have been over planning this which im scared will hurt them more. and i also feel wrong if i dont give his phone back. also his family. they are my family too, we are all so close. how do i end things with the family? i know i need to go cold turkey no contact but it just feels horrible to abandon them all just because i outgrew them. just any advice on ending a long term relationship would be really great
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Anonymous #2
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Report 2 months ago
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Give him the phone back. You can buy a cheap phone or save up for a better one. As for the family, I am sure they will understand.
Unless you were horrible to him... but I think you will probably be forgotten as time goes on. That's life. People move on. If you are really sure about leaving him, and you think you can't make it work, just do it. Don't waste your time or his. Have a talk with him. Don't get loud or overly emotional. Make him understand why and don't let him talk you out of it. You will feel like you are making a mistake, but things will get better. I know it sucks because you invested years in this relationship for it to end like this. It's going to be hard to let go. But trust me, being in an unhappy relationship is not good for your mental health. Stay strong. You can do it. Think about your future and how your life will be better without him. Sound harsh, but that's reality.

I had a similar experience as well. I stayed with him because was worried for him and liked his family.
I was in a relationship for 5 years. We lived together for 2 years. He changed so much. I wanted to break up with him, but I couldn't because of guilt. He moved into my apartment and left London for me. I felt bad and wonder what will happen to him. I stayed with him...even though I was unhappy. I wanted to make it work badly. I kept making excuses for him. In the end, It didn't solve anything. When I finally got the courage, I told I wanted to break up. I reached my breaking point. I couldn't do this anymore. I gave him one week to leave my place, which was of course sad, but I was hopeful. There was a moment when I felt I was making a mistake. But still, I never took my word back. I stayed strong. We were amicable the whole week. I helped him pack his things. I cried my eyes out the day he left. I felt weird living alone. But eventually, I got used to it. It took me a few months to realise it was the best decision I ever made. I wish I had done it earlier.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Give him the phone back. You can buy a cheap phone or save up for a better one. As for the family, I am sure they will understand.
Unless you were horrible to him... but I think you will probably be forgotten as time goes on. That's life. People move on. If you are really sure about leaving him, and you think you can't make it work, just do it. Don't waste your time or his. Have a talk with him. Don't get loud or overly emotional. Make him understand why and don't let him talk you out of it. You will feel like you are making a mistake, but things will get better. I know it sucks because you invested years in this relationship for it to end like this. It's going to be hard to let go. But trust me, being in an unhappy relationship is not good for your mental health. Stay strong. You can do it. Think about your future and how your life will be better without him. Sound harsh, but that's reality.

I had a similar experience as well. I stayed with him because was worried for him and liked his family.
I was in a relationship for 5 years. We lived together for 2 years. He changed so much. I wanted to break up with him, but I couldn't because of guilt. He moved into my apartment and left London for me. I felt bad and wonder what will happen to him. I stayed with him...even though I was unhappy. I wanted to make it work badly. I kept making excuses for him. In the end, It didn't solve anything. When I finally got the courage, I told I wanted to break up. I reached my breaking point. I couldn't do this anymore. I gave him one week to leave my place, which was of course sad, but I was hopeful. There was a moment when I felt I was making a mistake. But still, I never took my word back. I stayed strong. We were amicable the whole week. I helped him pack his things. I cried my eyes out the day he left. I felt weird living alone. But eventually, I got used to it. It took me a few months to realise it was the best decision I ever made. I wish I had done it earlier.
This was insanely helpful for me to hear it has given me alot of reassurance. I was never horrible to him if anything he was horrible for a very long time and its make me realise that i have grown out of wanting to be in a relationship like this. Did your family support your decision because i am also worried about the ‘he was the one’ comments. And photos! How do you erase so many years with someone do you just throw them out and move forward? I feel like thats where i would cave in and run back
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ThatOldGuy
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#4
Report 2 months ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
i have been with my SO for 4 years and its just time. we are not the same people we used to be and the differences are just too much between us now. but i dont have a understanding for how to go about ending it. for example i use his old phone and he pays for the contract. i cant afford a new phone right now. i could get a new contract like a cheap one with no phone for £10 but then it does look like i have been over planning this which im scared will hurt them more. and i also feel wrong if i dont give his phone back. also his family. they are my family too, we are all so close. how do i end things with the family? i know i need to go cold turkey no contact but it just feels horrible to abandon them all just because i outgrew them. just any advice on ending a long term relationship would be really great
Just end it.

You have two choices:

1) Continue to live for and with your boyfriend forever, or:

2) Break it off.

It's your choice. The second will hurt. I can't promise it won't. It will hurt him, and you, and the family. Or you can live your life forever as a lie.
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CaptainDuckie
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#5
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#5
I think your reasons are valid. You seem to have hurdles which are stopping you from breaking up though which is normal. I’d probably just say bye to his family once and for all, you don’t really need to justify your reasons because no one can control your reasons but if you wanted to, do it. You could, theoretically, still keep in contact with them but I don’t see why you should. It may just make you want to get back with him more and stuff. So closing and cutting complete contact is your best bet. If you feel like you can remain in contact without getting feelings with him again then do so.
As for the phone, tell him that “you’ve been kind for paying for the contract, but here’s your phone” - easy. He’s not going to continue paying for something when he’s not with you, just buy £10 on contract like you said or get a job to save up for one.
It’s definitely not a easy situation to be in but ultimately if it’s what you want, then it will be better for the both of you. It’s best to be open and honest with things like this rather than be trapped in something you didn’t actually want for an even longer period of time. Last thing you want is to live your life in regret.
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Anonymous #2
#6
Report 2 months ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This was insanely helpful for me to hear it has given me alot of reassurance. I was never horrible to him if anything he was horrible for a very long time and its make me realise that i have grown out of wanting to be in a relationship like this. Did your family support your decision because i am also worried about the ‘he was the one’ comments. And photos! How do you erase so many years with someone do you just throw them out and move forward? I feel like thats where i would cave in and run back
My family and I are very close. My parents knew I wasn't happy and wanted me to break up with him when they realised how stressed I was. When I finally did it, they supported my decision.

The aftermatch...
After he left, he reached out to me many times through messages. He wanted to call me, but I refused. He said he felt too embarrassed to message me sometimes. When they do that, that means you're not the reason the relationship ended cause who will reach out to a *****y ex? The guy was horrible to me and he thought I would hold a grudge. I didn't and moved on peacefully. He apologised for his past actions. Sometimes, he made "flirty" comments towards me. I ignored him. I know damn well I don't want to go back in that mess. I kept the photos in my google drive cause it hurts when I see them. I actually forgot about it loool. I'll delete it. But yeah, I don't have any more pictures on my phone, social media, or PC. He had pictures we took together on his Instagram for a year after we broke up and eventually deleted them. PS, we broke up in October 2019.

I used the lockdown time to focus on myself. I enjoyed the peace and quiet in my apartment. I was single for a year. But I have a bf now though. Maybe It's too early to tell, but I feel like this is the best relationship I ever had. He is such a nice guy. We can't even argue because we both laugh at the end. My relationship is chill, stress/drama free. Don't worry about the single life! Use that time for self-care and be productive. I'm sure you will find someone better in the future. Good luck!
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anosmianAcrimony
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Give him the phone back. You can buy a cheap phone or save up for a better one. As for the family, I am sure they will understand.
Unless you were horrible to him... but I think you will probably be forgotten as time goes on. That's life. People move on. If you are really sure about leaving him, and you think you can't make it work, just do it. Don't waste your time or his. Have a talk with him. Don't get loud or overly emotional. Make him understand why and don't let him talk you out of it. You will feel like you are making a mistake, but things will get better. I know it sucks because you invested years in this relationship for it to end like this. It's going to be hard to let go. But trust me, being in an unhappy relationship is not good for your mental health. Stay strong. You can do it. Think about your future and how your life will be better without him. Sound harsh, but that's reality.

I had a similar experience as well. I stayed with him because was worried for him and liked his family.
I was in a relationship for 5 years. We lived together for 2 years. He changed so much. I wanted to break up with him, but I couldn't because of guilt. He moved into my apartment and left London for me. I felt bad and wonder what will happen to him. I stayed with him...even though I was unhappy. I wanted to make it work badly. I kept making excuses for him. In the end, It didn't solve anything. When I finally got the courage, I told I wanted to break up. I reached my breaking point. I couldn't do this anymore. I gave him one week to leave my place, which was of course sad, but I was hopeful. There was a moment when I felt I was making a mistake. But still, I never took my word back. I stayed strong. We were amicable the whole week. I helped him pack his things. I cried my eyes out the day he left. I felt weird living alone. But eventually, I got used to it. It took me a few months to realise it was the best decision I ever made. I wish I had done it earlier.
PRSOM, this is excellent advice and really honest testimony. Thanks for sharing.

Edit: and I'm so glad you're in a much happier relationship now!
Last edited by anosmianAcrimony; 2 months ago
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
PRSOM, this is excellent advice and really honest testimony. Thanks for sharing.

Edit: and I'm so glad you're in a much happier relationship now!
Completely agree their advice has helped me massively!
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
My family and I are very close. My parents knew I wasn't happy and wanted me to break up with him when they realised how stressed I was. When I finally did it, they supported my decision.

The aftermatch...
After he left, he reached out to me many times through messages. He wanted to call me, but I refused. He said he felt too embarrassed to message me sometimes. When they do that, that means you're not the reason the relationship ended cause who will reach out to a *****y ex? The guy was horrible to me and he thought I would hold a grudge. I didn't and moved on peacefully. He apologised for his past actions. Sometimes, he made "flirty" comments towards me. I ignored him. I know damn well I don't want to go back in that mess. I kept the photos in my google drive cause it hurts when I see them. I actually forgot about it loool. I'll delete it. But yeah, I don't have any more pictures on my phone, social media, or PC. He had pictures we took together on his Instagram for a year after we broke up and eventually deleted them. PS, we broke up in October 2019.

I used the lockdown time to focus on myself. I enjoyed the peace and quiet in my apartment. I was single for a year. But I have a bf now though. Maybe It's too early to tell, but I feel like this is the best relationship I ever had. He is such a nice guy. We can't even argue because we both laugh at the end. My relationship is chill, stress/drama free. Don't worry about the single life! Use that time for self-care and be productive. I'm sure you will find someone better in the future. Good luck!
This was really reassuring for me. I am looking at new phone contracts right now and i think i am ready to find someone who i feel doesnt use me as much. Did you talk to him much directly after the breakup? And also because we are in the situation im wondering if you felt relief and better after the breakup or did you still feel the pain of a break up for quite a while? I have mental illness so i feel i need to brace myself for the depression that’s probably going to come
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Anonymous #3
#10
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why do you want to end things? are you bored? has the excitement gone? i would end things with the family by sending them a text saying thank u for being so welcoming and warm and you wished it could’ve worked out better. I wouldn’t go cold turkey since they’ve been so nice to you.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
why do you want to end things? are you bored? has the excitement gone? i would end things with the family by sending them a text saying thank u for being so welcoming and warm and you wished it could’ve worked out better. I wouldn’t go cold turkey since they’ve been so nice to you.
He hurt me alot last year and i thought i got over it but i dont think i did and im reminded i am not over it daily because i feel very used. Im not mad im just hurt by it. I think it broke me abit i spent every night crying on the bathroom floor for months. I loved him so much i just wanted him to be nice again but now he is im feeling like we have just grown apart especially in that time. Like i got my heartbroken and grew from it and matured and he is the same
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Anonymous #2
#12
Report 1 month ago
#12
(Original post by Anonymous)
This was really reassuring for me. I am looking at new phone contracts right now and i think i am ready to find someone who i feel doesnt use me as much. Did you talk to him much directly after the breakup? And also because we are in the situation im wondering if you felt relief and better after the breakup or did you still feel the pain of a break up for quite a while? I have mental illness so i feel i need to brace myself for the depression that’s probably going to come
I'm sorry for the late reply. I couldn't check this forum because I was busy. >.< We did. He sent me a message about how strange it was to live with his parents again. We talked about random things. I've never contacted him as much as he did to me. He still messages me once every four months to see how I'm doing. I was sad and I didn't feel relief until I realised how crap the relationship was. You can't see until you leave the situation and you're free from the heartache. My family and friends kept me at ease. Their support helped me through tough times. You need to find something to do. Keep yourself busy. If you are lonely, call your family and friends. It might take you longer than normal to move on and that's perfectly fine. Take your time.
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Anonymous #4
#13
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#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
i have been with my SO for 4 years and its just time. we are not the same people we used to be and the differences are just too much between us now. but i dont have a understanding for how to go about ending it. for example i use his old phone and he pays for the contract. i cant afford a new phone right now. i could get a new contract like a cheap one with no phone for £10 but then it does look like i have been over planning this which im scared will hurt them more. and i also feel wrong if i dont give his phone back. also his family. they are my family too, we are all so close. how do i end things with the family? i know i need to go cold turkey no contact but it just feels horrible to abandon them all just because i outgrew them. just any advice on ending a long term relationship would be really great
Look you don't need help you have to do it yourself, just grow a backbone and be honest and end it
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