Toxic Indian Culture

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Abigail.alex
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I grew up mostly in England since the age of 2 and know nothing about my culture don't speak the language but I still embrace it and proud of it. It was lonely growing up though... never went to any parties, drank alcohol or dated anyone till now, tbh I knew my parents were strict but never thought it would be this bad. I have been friends with a boy since we were 10, fell in love when we were 16 and currently are in a secret relationship and hoped even though he is not Indian since he is my religion by the time I was 18 they would accept it. They went through my phone and found him and I had the biggest fight with them said they would disown me if I dated someone outside my culture that they would live in embarrassment and depression for the rest of their lives and have no friends. I never had a relationship with my family no bond at all their controllingness scared me always I try telling them I am scared of them they never believe me. I have no idea what to do they will never accept him but I love him and we want to be together I will never marry into my culture because of how sad it has been for the last 17 years. I can't cut them off it won't look good when meeting his family and I would hate to do that. I feel guilty and selfish I could make them so so happy by just doing what they say like my cousins but it makes me so depressed and I am in love with this guy I can't just marry someone else. He is a good Christian man they will never give him a chance and I know he would give me the happiest life but I feel selfish for putting my happiness above my families. I am forcibly moving out to university and they have told me if you date him then we will cut all financial aid. I have no idea what to do I feel do desperate. Feel free to reply with any thoughts.
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ROTL94
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"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" your parents need to read the Bible more.
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sarahjanesmith
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(Original post by Abigail.alex)
I grew up mostly in England since the age of 2 and know nothing about my culture don't speak the language but I still embrace it and proud of it. It was lonely growing up though... never went to any parties, drank alcohol or dated anyone till now, tbh I knew my parents were strict but never thought it would be this bad. I have been friends with a boy since we were 10, fell in love when we were 16 and currently are in a secret relationship and hoped even though he is not Indian since he is my religion by the time I was 18 they would accept it. They went through my phone and found him and I had the biggest fight with them said they would disown me if I dated someone outside my culture that they would live in embarrassment and depression for the rest of their lives and have no friends. I never had a relationship with my family no bond at all their controllingness scared me always I try telling them I am scared of them they never believe me. I have no idea what to do they will never accept him but I love him and we want to be together I will never marry into my culture because of how sad it has been for the last 17 years. I can't cut them off it won't look good when meeting his family and I would hate to do that. I feel guilty and selfish I could make them so so happy by just doing what they say like my cousins but it makes me so depressed and I am in love with this guy I can't just marry someone else. He is a good Christian man they will never give him a chance and I know he would give me the happiest life but I feel selfish for putting my happiness above my families. I am forcibly moving out to university and they have told me if you date him then we will cut all financial aid. I have no idea what to do I feel do desperate. Feel free to reply with any thoughts.
I'm an Indian girl too and I get how your parents don't want you marrying outside your culture and religion. it's honestly such a sticky situation and one where you will never know which side to be on. Personally, I wouldn't marry a non-Indian and someone outside my religion but if you're certain this is the man for you, you could possibly try getting his parent to meet up with your parents? fusion weddings and Indians marrying other people are becoming more and more common. i understand it must be really hard for you but the choice is ultimately yours. Your parents vs You

But as you don't know much about your culture I don't thinking marrying a cultured Indian will do you any good, it'll be too hard to adapt and that's something they should understand
Last edited by sarahjanesmith; 2 months ago
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londonmyst
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Always trust your gut instinct, listen to what your common sense is telling you and focus on building the future life that you want.
But you will need to make a choice.

I do understand some of what you are going through.
I escaped from my toxic ancestors before a levels were over 8 years ago and am unlikely to ever speak to them or their vile pals again.
So many parents of all different backgrounds are very controlling or traditionalist and demand that their descendants obey them or else.
You can't change their mindset or habits.
But you can break the cycle for yourself and any future children that you decide to have.
Good luck!
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Abigail.alex
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(Original post by sarahjanesmith)
I'm an Indian girl too and I get how your parents don't want you marrying outside your culture and religion. it's honestly such a sticky situation and one where you will never know which side to be on. Personally, I wouldn't marry a non-Indian and someone outside my religion but if you're certain this is the man for you, you could possibly try getting his parent to meet up with your parents? fusion weddings and Indians marrying other people are becoming more and more common. i understand it must be really hard for you but the choice is ultimately yours. Your parents vs You

But as you don't know much about your culture I don't thinking marrying a cultured Indian will do you any good, it'll be too hard to adapt and that's something they should understand
Would you say I'm being selfish for not marrying an Indian and making my parents sad? I don't take race or ethnicity into consideration when loving someone, religion I do and he is Christian like me. Why would you not marry a non-Indian if you don't mind me asking. I just feel like so bad in this situation but surely they are the bad ones for putting their honour first when they know how depressed the culture makes me?
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Abigail.alex
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(Original post by ROTL94)
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" your parents need to read the Bible more.
I agree completely Indian culture is so judgemental and sometimes I don't see how they don't see what is wrong with a lot of it.
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Abigail.alex
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Always trust your gut instinct, listen to what your common sense is telling you and focus on building the future life that you want.
But you will need to make a choice.

I do understand some of what you are going through.
I escaped from my toxic ancestors before a levels were over 8 years ago and am unlikely to ever speak to them or their vile pals again.
So many parents of all different backgrounds are very controlling or traditionalist and demand that their descendants obey them or else.
You can't change their mindset or habits.
But you can break the cycle for yourself and any future children that you decide to have.
Good luck!
I was thinking exactly that i want a family one day so i can have what i didn't growing up but I would never have kids if I married into my culture because I hate the way i was raised i would never do that to my own!
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ROTL94
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Ia

(Original post by Abigail.alex)
I agree completely Indian culture is so judgemental and sometimes I don't see how they don't see what is wrong with a lot of it.
I also noticed that you said sticking to your guns on this (which I think you should) would make you feel selfish. If that makes you selfish then what does expecting their child to sacrifice their own happiness because they're afraid of potential social 'embarrassment' make them?
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Abigail.alex
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(Original post by ROTL94)
Ia


I also noticed that you said sticking to your guns on this (which I think you should) would make you feel selfish. If that makes you selfish then what does expecting their child to sacrifice their own happiness because they're afraid of potential social 'embarrassment' make them?
You are right but sad thing is lots of my parent's friend's kids actually just obey them and so I look like the "rebellious" one because I refuse to listen and in comparison to them which they compare me a lot I seem selfish. I quote my mother when she said "you were born to be a disappointment and ruin our lives". One of the replies before said that she understands my parents so you see it seems obvious to us my parents are in the wrong but to some it is actually me!
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ROTL94
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(Original post by Abigail.alex)
You are right but sad thing is lots of my parent's friend's kids actually just obey them and so I look like the "rebellious" one because I refuse to listen and in comparison to them which they compare me a lot I seem selfish. I quote my mother when she said "you were born to be a disappointment and ruin our lives". One of the replies before said that she understands my parents so you see it seems obvious to us my parents are in the wrong but to some it is actually me!
Is being selfish a bad thing when you are looking out for your own welfare? Well, you know, if you were born to be a 'disappointment' then it doesn't really matter what you do.
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by Abigail.alex)
Would you say I'm being selfish for not marrying an Indian and making my parents sad? I don't take race or ethnicity into consideration when loving someone, religion I do and he is Christian like me. Why would you not marry a non-Indian if you don't mind me asking. I just feel like so bad in this situation but surely they are the bad ones for putting their honour first when they know how depressed the culture makes me?
Absolutely not. It is your life to live, not theirs. Better parents would support you in the decisions you want to make, not try to force you to live in a way that will make you unhappy.
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anosmianAcrimony
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Reading this thread makes me really sorry you've had to go through all this, but also happy and hopeful for you, because you're clearly thinking very critically about the toxic garbage your parents are feeding you, and you're clearly not under their thumb. Some people in your position would be very much controlled by the manipulative, guilting BS; not you. Keep on keeping on.
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Anonbro1
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Is it not worse if you don't get married?
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Anonymous #1
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I understand where you’re parents are coming from in the sense that marrying within your culture is easier, bc ur partner will understand more than someone of outside the culture. But in the same time, times have changed and more interracial marriages are becoming the norm. A lot of desi parents are still in the same mindset of the time they left their home country, not knowing that society back home has changed too.


My advice is, if you have a gut feeling that you and him are going to be in it for the long run, then it may be worth it to cut contact from ur parents until they come to understand.
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Abigail.alex
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(Original post by Anonbro1)
Is it not worse if you don't get married?
I made my own personal decision after I properly fell in love with this guy that I would marry and have kids with him or no one I know it sounds extreme but I feel if worse comes to worst and they do not let me physically marry him then they must understand how it feels to have something big taken away from you therefore I will just marry no one. It actually makes me so sad I really want children but only ever under the right conditions would I bring a child into this already bad world.
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Anonbro1
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(Original post by Abigail.alex)
I made my own personal decision after I properly fell in love with this guy that I would marry and have kids with him or no one I know it sounds extreme but I feel if worse comes to worst and they do not let me physically marry him then they must understand how it feels to have something big taken away from you therefore I will just marry no one. It actually makes me so sad I really want children but only ever under the right conditions would I bring a child into this already bad world.
By that "you", I meant you and him. Maybe try convincing them it's better to get you married to each other and that denying this marriage is not going to end well. If it's not the right time for it, maybe later at least.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Abigail.alex)
I grew up mostly in England since the age of 2 and know nothing about my culture don't speak the language but I still embrace it and proud of it. It was lonely growing up though... never went to any parties, drank alcohol or dated anyone till now, tbh I knew my parents were strict but never thought it would be this bad. I have been friends with a boy since we were 10, fell in love when we were 16 and currently are in a secret relationship and hoped even though he is not Indian since he is my religion by the time I was 18 they would accept it. They went through my phone and found him and I had the biggest fight with them said they would disown me if I dated someone outside my culture that they would live in embarrassment and depression for the rest of their lives and have no friends. I never had a relationship with my family no bond at all their controllingness scared me always I try telling them I am scared of them they never believe me. I have no idea what to do they will never accept him but I love him and we want to be together I will never marry into my culture because of how sad it has been for the last 17 years. I can't cut them off it won't look good when meeting his family and I would hate to do that. I feel guilty and selfish I could make them so so happy by just doing what they say like my cousins but it makes me so depressed and I am in love with this guy I can't just marry someone else. He is a good Christian man they will never give him a chance and I know he would give me the happiest life but I feel selfish for putting my happiness above my families. I am forcibly moving out to university and they have told me if you date him then we will cut all financial aid. I have no idea what to do I feel do desperate. Feel free to reply with any thoughts.
I didn’t know Indians were homogenous. All look the same , think the same , act the same etc.

Your title seems kinda racist .
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Abigail.alex
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I understand where you’re parents are coming from in the sense that marrying within your culture is easier, bc ur partner will understand more than someone of outside the culture. But in the same time, times have changed and more interracial marriages are becoming the norm. A lot of desi parents are still in the same mindset of the time they left their home country, not knowing that society back home has changed too.


My advice is, if you have a gut feeling that you and him are going to be in it for the long run, then it may be worth it to cut contact from ur parents until they come to understand.
Sadly I too understand they want someone with the same beliefs as them so they feel comfortable and not looked down upon by their peers for example they think all British people get drunk and have sex before marriage and date around and they frown upon these which I in a way get because I’m Christian by choice. This is where they won’t listen to me although he is not Indian cos I feel Indian culture is too strict and for the wrong Reasons he is still a conservative Christian and have many respectable views.doesn't drink or sleep around or swear and the only part missing is he’s not Indian but since I don’t like their views he fits me perfectly. So just cos he’s British they aren’t giving him a chance but he’s already quite fitting what they would go for anyway and tbh I could have gone much worse in their views but I didn’t. Anyone understand?
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Abigail.alex
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I didn’t know Indians were homogenous. All look the same , think the same , act the same etc.

Your title seems kinda racist .
They don’t this is what my family do and this is how they view the culture which I deem as toxic I never mentioned all Indians were like this and this was my own experience some people may like it and that’s okay
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Abigail.alex)
They don’t this is what my family do and this is how they view the culture which I deem as toxic I never mentioned all Indians were like this and this was my own experience some people may like it and that’s okay
You said toxic Indian culture . Which implies something about all Indians . You should of said my families toxic Indian culture( or something like that ) . This implies something linked to your family and your family alone .
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