Can I ever find someone if I’m not sexually compatable..

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Anonymous #1
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I’m older than most people on here, don’t really want to say how old but basically I’m worried about my future relationship prospects.

My last relationship with a man didn’t work because basically. I don’t like kissing/anything oral, in fact it irritated me. I think I could put up with intercourse but in all honestly I’ve not done it properly despite my age.

The only thing that really turns me on I literally don’t want to tell anyone in real life about. I just can’t full stop

Ive only ever been turned on by the thought of stuff like spanking or having a back massage (there’s something about the back I really like no idea why). So only these 2 things do it for me and I really don’t want to tell anyone about it. Also certain words do too but I’m not going into it. Ive always been overly sensitive about people knowing things about me it’s just how I am.

People will say I need to tell/have open communication and all that but I can’t. Ive been single for ages I’l be nearing the end of my fertile years before I know it. I’m looking to meet someone but then I’ve got the above obstacles to overcome. Just wanted advice.
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not_0kay
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m older than most people on here, don’t really want to say how old but basically I’m worried about my future relationship prospects.

My last relationship with a man didn’t work because basically. I don’t like kissing/anything oral, in fact it irritated me. I think I could put up with intercourse but in all honestly I’ve not done it properly despite my age.

The only thing that really turns me on I literally don’t want to tell anyone in real life about. I just can’t full stop

Ive only ever been turned on by the thought of stuff like spanking or having a back massage (there’s something about the back I really like no idea why). So only these 2 things do it for me and I really don’t want to tell anyone about it. Also certain words do too but I’m not going into it. Ive always been overly sensitive about people knowing things about me it’s just how I am.

People will say I need to tell/have open communication and all that but I can’t. Ive been single for ages I’l be nearing the end of my fertile years before I know it. I’m looking to meet someone but then I’ve got the above obstacles to overcome. Just wanted advice.
Have you heard of asexuality? I'm not trying to push anything onto you, it's just some of the things you described like kissing being irritating and stuff sounds like it might be a reassuring thing to research.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by not_0kay)
Have you heard of asexuality? I'm not trying to push anything onto you, it's just some of the things you described like kissing being irritating and stuff sounds like it might be a reassuring thing to research.
Ive heard of it/read about it but what's the difference between just not liking certain things and asexuality. I can get turned on when say a man who I have a crush on casually touches me/says certain things etc its just the typical things people associate with sex that I don't like.
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Theloniouss
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ive heard of it/read about it but what's the difference between just not liking certain things and asexuality. I can get turned on when say a man who I have a crush on casually touches me/says certain things etc its just the typical things people associate with sex that I don't like.
You have to tell your partners what you're into. Otherwise, your sex life will never work out.
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not_0kay
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ive heard of it/read about it but what's the difference between just not liking certain things and asexuality. I can get turned on when say a man who I have a crush on casually touches me/says certain things etc its just the typical things people associate with sex that I don't like.
I don't know enough about asexuality to properly give you all the info you need, but think about it more like a spectrum instead of one specific thing. People experience sexuality on all different levels, for example grey asexuality is when someone does have sexual desire but not as frequently as others and very minimal. If finding other people or a community with the same experiences as you brings you reassurance it's definitely worth the research. But if you don't think it'll help, then like the other person said you've just gotta communicate with your partner so that they know what you like and vice versa. Hope I could help a bit .
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girl_in_black
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I mean, both back massage and spanking are pretty vanilla things that many couples engage in - I really don't see what's so taboo about these that you can't tell your partner?
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girl_in_black
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(Original post by Anonymous)
its just the typical things people associate with sex that I don't like.
Such as? All the things you have mentioned are pretty normal things to be turned on by. I don't really see any major obstacles at all in what you have written (other than your reluctance to communicate with your partner).

Am I correct in thinking you just not very experienced with relationships and perhaps have not been with someone you really like? It sounds like that is the main issue here rather than anything else.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by girl_in_black)
I mean, both back massage and spanking are pretty vanilla things that many couples engage in - I really don't see what's so taboo about these that you can't tell your partner?
I just can’t tell Id be forever embarrased. I’m aware this sounds immature but it’s the only way I can describe it. I know for a fact that men (I work with male collegues) mention sex and their partners interests to each other. Of course some men won’t but there are many who do. If you don’t want information about yourself spreading around the only way to ensure this is keep it to yourself.

Also it might seem odd but a small part of what turns me on about what I mentioned would be the guy not knowing that it does and sort of him being the one to suggest/encourage it.and me just going along with it. If that makes sense, but this is less of a reason.
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Anonymous #2
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why do you want a romantic partner if you dont want sex? cant you just have a long term friend or look for an impotent man?
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Anonymous #1
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Such as anything that involves kissing/using my mouth. I mean I’d be willing to compromise and Kiss the neck (lips at a push) if he really liked it. But that’s as far as I could go without feeling irritated. It doesn’t help that I’ve always had a thing about catching germs/cold sores/sti’s it’s always in the back of my mind. Ive no idea how I’ve managed to work in a hospital through covid 😄

I’m definitely inexperienced, I did like my last bf but I just couldn’t be honest with him with what I like and so he said I was ‘frigid’.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m definitely inexperienced, I did like my last bf but I just couldn’t be honest with him with what I like and so he said I was ‘frigid’.
you cant blame him can you? and there doesnt seem much that you do like..
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
you cant blame him can you? and there doesnt seem much that you do like..
I’m not looking to blame, hopefully nothing I’ve said gives the impression that I’m blaming anyone. I will blame myself though, I’m bad at communicating

I know that he wasn’t into the stuff I said I like as he said in general conversation once that he wasn’t into anything bdsm. It was all about kissing/oral and common stuff with him I was just thinking ‘this is so irritating/boring ‘vanilla’😄 so yea there wasn’t anything I liked that he did.

I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to list everything I like here but I’ve said 2 of the main things the rest is just weird
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black tea
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I just can’t tell Id be forever embarrased. I’m aware this sounds immature but it’s the only way I can describe it. I know for a fact that men (I work with male collegues) mention sex and their partners interests to each other. Of course some men won’t but there are many who do. If you don’t want information about yourself spreading around the only way to ensure this is keep it to yourself.

Also it might seem odd but a small part of what turns me on about what I mentioned would be the guy not knowing that it does and sort of him being the one to suggest/encourage it.and me just going along with it. If that makes sense, but this is less of a reason.
Plenty of women mention that sort of stuff too, it’s not just men who do that. It all comes down to choosing a partner who is mature and respects you (and himself) enough not to share too much about the intimate part of your relationship. And really, what is so embarrassing about a guy mentioning that his girlfriend likes a massage? People literally pay money to get that done at a spa! Do you work with guys who are younger than you, by any chance? People tend to get more mature about this sort of stuff as they get older and settle down into a committed relationship as opposed to just having casual flings.

If him not knowing turns you on, or you don’t want to explicitly communicate your wishes, you could play some variation of a game where you write down things that are acceptable to you on bits of paper and get him pull them out of a hat, and vice versa - can work pretty well for foreplay. Or you could just wait for him to initiate things, but there is a high chance that he may not do the things you like and you will be left unsatisfied.

I totally get your apprehension about sharing things about yourself, many people do have trust issues and baggage from the past, but you are clearly making yourself unhappy by not communicating about something as basic as this (and it is has clearly been an issue for you exs too, if they have called you frigid etc.). You are obviously not asexaul from what you have said in this thread, you just don’t feel comfortable sharing your fantasies but it really shouldn’t be an issue with the right partner - part of why you feel so apprehensive communicating about this may well be due to your inexperience and having not yet being with the right guy (I certainly had similar worries before being in a serious relationship).

(Original post by Anonymous)
Such as anything that involves kissing/using my mouth. I mean I’d be willing to compromise and Kiss the neck (lips at a push) if he really liked it. But that’s as far as I could go without feeling irritated. It doesn’t help that I’ve always had a thing about catching germs/cold sores/sti’s it’s always in the back of my mind. Ive no idea how I’ve managed to work in a hospital through covid 😄

I’m definitely inexperienced, I did like my last bf but I just couldn’t be honest with him with what I like and so he said I was ‘frigid’.
Are you basically saying you are not OK giving oral? If so, that will be an issue for some guys, but not for everyone. Even if you don’t feel comfortable being entirely honest, please make sure you are not forcing yourself into doing things you are not OK with just because you are scared to say no - that can lead to a lot of issues (both for you psychologically and for your relationship) in the long term. Perhaps communicating non-verbally might be easier for you? I know there are various tools out there (e.g. preference checklists) that can help people communicate their sexual preferences and limits - this might work very well for you if you want the guy to take the lead but want him to know what you are not OK with.
Last edited by black tea; 1 month ago
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black tea
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m not looking to blame, hopefully nothing I’ve said gives the impression that I’m blaming anyone. I will blame myself though, I’m bad at communicating

I know that he wasn’t into the stuff I said I like as he said in general conversation once that he wasn’t into anything bdsm. It was all about kissing/oral and common stuff with him I was just thinking ‘this is so irritating/boring ‘vanilla’😄 so yea there wasn’t anything I liked that he did.

I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to list everything I like here but I’ve said 2 of the main things the rest is just weird
Spanking, let alone massage, is very much vanilla, tbh Honestly, how much sexual experience have you actually had?
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londonmyst
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I understand some of your concerns.
My last relationship ended seven years ago when I walked out on a sexually incompatible bf whose secret hobbies included an enthusiasm for sex workers and violent threesomes.
I have a very long list of dating dealbreakers, with several revolving around sexual compatibility and similar ambitions.

Remember that there are plenty of single male fish in the dating sea, many of whom you are yet to meet.
Some of whom will be attractive to you and compatible with your dealbreakers & lifestyle.
Plenty of guys enjoying spanking, are into bdsm and will be willing to give other types of kink a go.
Most guys are open to giving their gf a massage.

Try to focus on maintaining a positive attitude, finalising your dealbreakers, widening your social circle, improving your skillset, increasing your contacts and working towards achieving your professional & financial ambitions.
Above all- remember that it is much better to be happily single than feeling trapped in the wrong relationship or miserable dating an incompatible person.
Good luck!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by black tea)
Plenty of women mention that sort of stuff too, it’s not just men who do that. It all comes down to choosing a partner who is mature and respects you (and himself) enough not to share too much about the intimate part of their relationship. And really, what is so embarrassing about a guy mentioning that his girlfriend likes a massage? People literally pay money to get that done at a spa! Do you work with guys who are younger than you, by any chance? People tend to get more mature about this sort of stuff as they get older and settle down into a committed relationship as opposed to just having casual flings.

If him not knowing turns you on, or you don’t want to explicitly communicate your wishes, you could play some variation of a game where you write down things that are acceptable to you on bits of paper and get him pull them out of a hat, and vice versa - can work pretty well for foreplay. Or you could just wait for him to initiate things, but there is a high chance that he may not do the things you like and you will be left unsatisfied.

I totally get your apprehension about sharing things about yourself, many people do have trust issues and baggage from the past, but you are clearly making yourself unhappy by not communicating about something as basic as this (and it is has clearly been an issue for you exs too, if they have called you frigid etc.). You are obviously not asexaul from what you have said in this thread, you just don’t feel comfortable sharing your fantasies but it really shouldn’t be an issue with the right partner - part of why you feel so apprehensive communicating about this may well be due to your inexperience and having not yet being with the right guy (I certainly had similar worries before being in a serious relationship).


Are you basically saying you are not OK giving oral? If so, that will be an issue for some guys, but not for everyone. Even if you don’t feel comfortable being entirely honest, please make sure you are not forcing yourself into doing things you are not OK with just because you are scare to say no - that can lead to a lot of issues (both for you psychologically and for your relationship) in the long term. Perhaps communicating non-verbally might be easier for you? I know there are various tools out there (e.g. preference checklists) that can help people communicate their sexual preferences and limits - this might work very well for you if you want the guy to take the lead but want him to know what you are not OK with.
Thank you, that’s helped

That’s a good idea btw about the preferences/limits thing as it’s a way of trying things without it being a bid deal/you seeming over enthusiastic about it.

I am very inexperienced I’m the first to admit it it’s ridiculous given my age I’ve just wasted my life in this area really. It’s because I’ve never had an urge to have sex too which is good in one respect but not in another.

I also think being chronically single hinders life in other areas ie Ive had instances where I’ve been emotionally attached to others/male collegues etc and found it very hard when they have left. If you are in a stable relationship this is probably less likely to happen.

Anyway yea I’m taking on board the replies here it’s good to have been able to talk this through
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black tea
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you, that’s helped

That’s a good idea btw about the preferences/limits thing as it’s a way of trying things without it being a bid deal/you seeming over enthusiastic about it.

I am very inexperienced I’m the first to admit it it’s ridiculous given my age I’ve just wasted my life in this area really. It’s because I’ve never had an urge to have sex too which is good in one respect but not in another.

I also think being chronically single hinders life in other areas ie Ive had instances where I’ve been emotionally attached to others/male collegues etc and found it very hard when they have left. If you are in a stable relationship this is probably less likely to happen.

Anyway yea I’m taking on board the replies here it’s good to have been able to talk this through
Yeah, I have seen it work well for people. And suggesting something like that may make you come across as more experienced than you are, if that’s what you wanted (but would equally work if you wanted to let your partner know you have not had much experience).

I think quality by far outweighs quantity when it comes to intimacy so it’s only right that you've not had sex when you didn’t want it just to go along with the flow, which is what a lot of people do and then regret later. So don’t see it as you having wasted your life in that area, you have just chosen not to do things that had no interest to you at the time - that’s totally fine, sex is really not the be all and end all. And you could make your inexperience work in your favour - many guys are turned on by the idea.

I have seen your previous threads about being attached to male colleagues and that sort of attachment does seem a bit unhealthy. You might find it helpful to read about the “favourite person” phenomenon - it it a term that is usually talked about in the context of borderline personality disorder (which I’m absolutely not suggesting you have!) but it really just described an unhealthy attachment style (which is accentuated in BPD) and it may be useful to be aware of that for future relationships - this may be an issue that does not go away with being in a stable relationship if you transfer that attachment style onto your partner. But obviously you know yourself better and I may be misreading things - apologies if that is the case.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by black tea)
Yeah, I have seen it work well for people. And suggesting something like that may make you come across as more experienced than you are, if that’s what you wanted (but would equally work if you wanted to let your partner know you have not had much experience).

I think quality by far outweighs quantity when it comes to intimacy so it’s only right that you've not had sex when you didn’t want it just to go along with the flow, which is what a lot of people do and then regret later. So don’t see it as you having wasted your life in that area, you have just chosen not to do things that had no interest to you at the time - that’s totally fine, sex is really not the be all and end all. And you could make your inexperience work in your favour - many guys are turned on by the idea.

I have seen your previous threads about being attached to male colleagues and that sort of attachment does seem a bit unhealthy. You might find it helpful to read about the “favourite person” phenomenon - it it a term that is usually talked about in the context of borderline personality disorder (which I’m absolutely not suggesting you have!) but it really just described an unhealthy attachment style (which is accentuated in BPD) and it may be useful to be aware of that for future relationships - this may be an issue that does not go away with being in a stable relationship if you transfer that attachment style onto your partner. But obviously you know yourself better and I may be misreading things - apologies if that is the case.
Ive been reading about that favourite person thing and it does sound a lot like me 😕 I hope I don’t have bpd

The thing is I don’t see a difference between having a crush on/being attracted to someone/enjoying them caring about you (which lots of people experience) and this favourite person thing.
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black tea
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Ive been reading about that favourite person thing and it does sound a lot like me 😕 I hope I don’t have bpd

The thing is I don’t see a difference between having a crush on/being attracted to someone/enjoying them caring about you (which lots of people experience) and this favourite person thing.
Technically, it’s not a symptoms of BPD (as in, it’s not in the diagnostic criteria), it’s just something I have ever heard talked about in the context of BPD. I don’t think it’s unique to BPD though.

The main difference is the extreme of feelings and being emotionally-dependent on that person - almost like an obsession/addiction.
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