my friend adores someone who messed me up

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Anonymous #1
#1
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now first and foremost, i don't hate my friend for this as i get that theres no way for her to know any of the things this girl has done, etc. i'm just looking for advice on whether its best to just cut ties, telling her or telling someone else etc because this isnt really a situation i've even been in.

when i was in year 7/8 me and my friends used to be in a group of 5 with liz (name changed) and liz wasn't really horrible, but she used to always make *****y jokes about me, like making fun of my skin colour (she's east asian and so i'm mixed) saying i was really black (i am, but it was def intended as an insult then) and then making fun of my religion (im muslim.) this was pretty typical at the time, so i only really minded that it was her who said it, as my friend, not a rando classmate.

what really messed me up was that she also used to make comments about my weight at the time, she'd hand out sweets or something and then say "oh, i don't even need to ask you, you'll say yes" before handing me something to eat. which, obviously, stopped me from accepting food handed out by anyone. there were so many of these comments that gave me a real eating disorder that i've still got today. i don't think i've ever eaten a full lunch since then. and my best friend absolutely loves this girl.

they've been really close since then and she looks up to her so much. she's always repeating kind of off hand how funny she is, or how pretty she is, anything. and even since year 8 ish, i've always been vying for her attention, i genuinely think my whole sense of humour is geared towards her and i think of it as an accomplishment when i manage to make her laugh.

i know its not healthy but we're been friends since primary school and best friends since year 8-ish and i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. because i'm thinking back to all the problems i have, my lack of self esteem, my eating disorder and it all traces back to this one girls and every second of the day my best friend is praising her as if she's never done anything wrong and she's giving her all this attention even when she's not there and it makes me feel so used and useless that she doesn't really want me as her first choice of best friend.

i dont want her to feel the pressure of "cut her out of your life or you hate me" but it is so damaging that i have to listen to her sing praises about this girl who was so awful to me, and i know she doesn't mean it this way but honestly i feel like she is comparing us.
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Anonymous #1
#2
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and i also don't know how i would tell her to tone down all of her praise without her asking me like "why, what did she do?", and i'd hate to go through that with her because it would cause so much drama. and then there's the issue of whether she would even believe me if i told her, because for sure she definitely likes her more than me.
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Anonymous #2
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damn liz sounds like a horrible person
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Anonymous #1
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*she used to be. she may have changed since then but i wouldn't know since we've grown apart and its not really socially acceptable to insult someone you're not that close with like that
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Bakugo27
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this is a complicated situation Your friend probably knows what liz was doing to you and if she likes her so much despite that, then I doubt that your friend cares about you much
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Bakugo27
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(Original post by Bakugo27)
this is a complicated situation Your friend probably knows what liz was doing to you and if she likes her so much despite that, then I doubt that your friend cares about you much
This may sound harsh but it may be better to let her be. I don't know your situation too well but there's no point in wasting your time with someone who's busy with talking about someone else. She clearly wants to be with the asian girl. I left my friend group in year 8. Even if I wouldn't talk to them for days, they'd never look for me or ask where I've been. They didn't care. So i went to the library instead of hanging out with them and I met my new best friend there. I'm in Year 12 now and even though my best friend and I go to different schools, we are still close.
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agent37
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(Original post by Anonymous)
now first and foremost, i don't hate my friend for this as i get that theres no way for her to know any of the things this girl has done, etc. i'm just looking for advice on whether its best to just cut ties, telling her or telling someone else etc because this isnt really a situation i've even been in.

when i was in year 7/8 me and my friends used to be in a group of 5 with liz (name changed) and liz wasn't really horrible, but she used to always make *****y jokes about me, like making fun of my skin colour (she's east asian and so i'm mixed) saying i was really black (i am, but it was def intended as an insult then) and then making fun of my religion (im muslim.) this was pretty typical at the time, so i only really minded that it was her who said it, as my friend, not a rando classmate.

what really messed me up was that she also used to make comments about my weight at the time, she'd hand out sweets or something and then say "oh, i don't even need to ask you, you'll say yes" before handing me something to eat. which, obviously, stopped me from accepting food handed out by anyone. there were so many of these comments that gave me a real eating disorder that i've still got today. i don't think i've ever eaten a full lunch since then. and my best friend absolutely loves this girl.

they've been really close since then and she looks up to her so much. she's always repeating kind of off hand how funny she is, or how pretty she is, anything. and even since year 8 ish, i've always been vying for her attention, i genuinely think my whole sense of humour is geared towards her and i think of it as an accomplishment when i manage to make her laugh.

i know its not healthy but we're been friends since primary school and best friends since year 8-ish and i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. because i'm thinking back to all the problems i have, my lack of self esteem, my eating disorder and it all traces back to this one girls and every second of the day my best friend is praising her as if she's never done anything wrong and she's giving her all this attention even when she's not there and it makes me feel so used and useless that she doesn't really want me as her first choice of best friend.

i dont want her to feel the pressure of "cut her out of your life or you hate me" but it is so damaging that i have to listen to her sing praises about this girl who was so awful to me, and i know she doesn't mean it this way but honestly i feel like she is comparing us.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through this, and under no circumstances were Liz's actions justified.

I understand what it is like to have a friend that you really love, especially to the point when you would listen to anything they would say and adjusting yourself to what they like! It's really tough to hear them then talk about someone you dislike! (Especially in your case where Liz's has been nothing short of an a**hole)

My advice would be to try and talk to this friend and explain how Liz has effected you. This is tough but you will get through this and if she is a true friend, then she will definitely stop talking about Liz and apologize!

If she doesn't, and this might be hard to appreciate, then she isn't worth being your friend. From what it sounds like already, she doesn't sound like a fantastic friend if she's constantly talking about Liz and if you guys have been friends for that long, she should have already realised.

Personally, I advise you make some new (and better) friends if possible! It can really change things! I do hope everything gets better for you
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Anonymous #1
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thank you for the response, it's just that i dont want any old drama being brought up as this did happen when we were in younger years. the only reason it's still affecting me is because of my unhealthy relationship with food still going on. theres going to be so many questions asked by my best friend about, like "why should i stop talking to her", "why don't you like her", etc and then she'll take her side and i'm so scared of causing a rift in my friendship group because there's people i know would take my side, and my best friend definitely wouldn't. i dont want everyone to know something so personal about me as an eating disorder. its mostly hard because i just know that she wouldn't take my side, ever, since she never has. she looks at both sides of the argument (me too) and then will just choose the side of the person she likes most (her), and then i'm terrified that any of our other friends would take her side as i'm just plain not good at arguing my point or getting people to see my side.
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agent37
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(Original post by Anonymous)
thank you for the response, it's just that i dont want any old drama being brought up as this did happen when we were in younger years. the only reason it's still affecting me is because of my unhealthy relationship with food still going on. theres going to be so many questions asked by my best friend about, like "why should i stop talking to her", "why don't you like her", etc and then she'll take her side and i'm so scared of causing a rift in my friendship group because there's people i know would take my side, and my best friend definitely wouldn't. i dont want everyone to know something so personal about me as an eating disorder. its mostly hard because i just know that she wouldn't take my side, ever, since she never has. she looks at both sides of the argument (me too) and then will just choose the side of the person she likes most (her), and then i'm terrified that any of our other friends would take her side as i'm just plain not good at arguing my point or getting people to see my side.
Hey, don't stress about it!

I understand your point however from what I'm hearing, it really sounds like your best friend isn't worthy of being your best friend! You should be her favourite person and what kind of friend is she if she's not willing to take your side!

You are a :crown:QUEEN:crown: from what it sounds like and honestly, she just sounds like she's not worth your time! She sounds hella toxic and I would drop her asap! There are much better people out there other than her!

But obviously, this is my opinion, but please, do consider changing friends because if they're not willing to hear your story and take your side, then I don't know what they're there for. I understand you wanting to keep your eating disorder discreet but really, your best friend should 1) know or 2) have guessed and understand you.
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