Please can someone mark my horror themed so far?

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LB2021
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#1
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Happy Hallow Winker!
Halloween was yesterday where I was my own creative person and I ate all the sweets I craved for, well that’s what I thought anyway until the pace of the dull clouds hid the remaining sky quickly.
On that night, I enjoyed the menacing atmosphere that surrounded me with pure horror as I spent the night walking through the suspicious forest beside the dancing trees. They danced with the howling wind gracefully, whilst the towering grass grew beneath my trembling feet which struggled to drag me backwards. I did not take into account of why it was trying to pull me backwards, but now I know. Thunder and lightning struck beyond my eyes. BANG! The thunder growled aggressively as the lightning blinded my eyes with extreme wrath. My body trembled as if an earthquake occurred within the daunting atmosphere. The sky glared at me with aggression, whilst it struck bolts of lightning towards my apprehensive body. I ran. I felt a present gazing at me as I ran hastily towards the towering trees. The heinous present followed me. I was intimidated. The bolting thunder opened the sky with tremendous hail. The forest darkened with terror, whilst my trembled feet dashed into the forest. The menaced figure’s steps thudded against the ironic concrete.


(Please give me advice and key vocabulary to include into the story thanks!)
Last edited by LB2021; 1 month ago
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Surnia
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Reread and rewrite.

It doesn't make sense as you've used the wrong words and changed tense throughout. 'Grieve' for sweets? It means you are feeling great sadness for them.
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LB2021
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(Original post by Surnia)
Reread and rewrite.

It doesn't make sense as you've used the wrong words and changed tense throughout. 'Grieve' for sweets? It means you are feeling great sadness for them.
Thanks, I’ve read it and it does not make sense. I’ve improved it, is this better? It’s only a draft.
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Surnia
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You've still changed sense by putting 'invades'. 'Malicious' and 'deceitful' don't fit either, and 'suspense horror' is meaningless.

Don't try to be too clever. The key to writing is "show, don't tell". That means you shouldn't use obvious adjectives, but let the story-telling create the atmosphere.
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LB2021
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(Original post by Surnia)
You've still changed sense by putting 'invades'. 'Malicious' and 'deceitful' don't fit either, and 'suspense horror' is meaningless.

Don't try to be too clever. The key to writing is "show, don't tell". That means you shouldn't use obvious adjectives, but let the story-telling create the atmosphere.
Is this any better? I’m sorry if it’s not I’m trying to improve my language in English.
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urlocalinmate
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Here's what I'd change (with a bit of detail in brackets):

- Swap "I got to be" with "I was" (repetition of verbs reduces "professionalism").
- Swap "dullness of the dull clouds hiding the sky quickly" with "dull clouds quickly hid the sky" (the latter is simpler so it sounds more dramatic, gives the same image too).
- Put a comma after "gracefully" (to make grammatical sense).
- Change "starts to strike" with "were about to strike (keep the past tense consistent throughout, verbs define the tense).
- Change "started to tremble" to "trembled" (same as second point).

Hope this helped
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LB2021
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Thanks for your help
, I’ve changed it now.
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Surnia
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What's 'winker'?

'Craved', past tense.

Semi-colon after 'for'.

How is the forest 'deceitful'?

'Dancing' twice in quick succession, repetitive.

Swap 'which' for 'and'.

The 'BANG' is in the wrong place as it's before the thunder has happened.

Why does the lightning have 'wrath'?
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LB2021
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(Original post by Surnia)
What's 'winker'?

'Craved', past tense.

Semi-colon after 'for'.

How is the forest 'deceitful'?

'Dancing' twice in quick succession, repetitive.

Swap 'which' for 'and'.

The 'BANG' is in the wrong place as it's before the thunder has happened.

Why does the lightning have 'wrath'?
Thanks for the feedback. ‘Winker’ is the figure as he later on winks at you to create a sinister atmosphere.
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