My mum won’t let me go away for uni

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
I’m planning on moving away for uni I’m Asian and I told my mum and she said that she’s strictly against it. Apparently it makes our family think that I’m just going for ‘boys’. She does not understand that I have morals as well and that I would never go for ‘boys’. I can’t just go because that would mean breaking ties with all my family and I’m not prepared to do so. I’ve had multiple chats with her but it’s not working … what should I do
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AnActor184
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m planning on moving away for uni I’m Asian and I told my mum and she said that she’s strictly against it. Apparently it makes our family think that I’m just going for ‘boys’. She does not understand that I have morals as well and that I would never go for ‘boys’. I can’t just go because that would mean breaking ties with all my family and I’m not prepared to do so. I’ve had multiple chats with her but it’s not working … what should I do
Understand your legal rights and the law. In the UK what she’s doing can be seen as domestic abuse. You’re free from parental control when you’re 16, so she isn’t allowed to be doing this.

If the chats aren’t working try to speak with your school. Maybe a teacher will be able to get through to her.

I’m Asian too so I think she might be saying this because she’s really religious. You can try and reassure her that you’ll only live with girls. Maybe decide terms and conditions. Pinpoint all the issues she has and try and tackle them.

You could still go to Uni by commuting to and from home. I’m assuming your uni is far away so when you come home late you can prove to her that travelling late can be dangerous and that this is why you wanted to live in a dorm.

Remember that it’s your life and you deserve the best for you. Do what you’re willing to do to get it!

I genuinely hope and pray that she lets you go, and that you get the best possible outcome.

Good luck!
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Kabzzzy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m planning on moving away for uni I’m Asian and I told my mum and she said that she’s strictly against it. Apparently it makes our family think that I’m just going for ‘boys’. She does not understand that I have morals as well and that I would never go for ‘boys’. I can’t just go because that would mean breaking ties with all my family and I’m not prepared to do so. I’ve had multiple chats with her but it’s not working … what should I do
You're an adult now, so it's about time you made your own decisions. I understand it'll make things difficult with the family, but what is your breaking point? You stay home for University, they'll then dictate where and what sort of job you should get. At that point they'll probably expect you to marry and then they'll be finding your husband. After that you're expected to live by whatever your in-laws expect.

Break that stupid cycle, move out and make your own decisions. She will be upset but she's hardly going to abandon you over that. She will get over it. And if for any reason she doesn't, then perhaps that's more of a reflection on her and her intentions with her children than it is on you. As an Asian myself, I'm sick of these stories where parents bring you up in western civilisation and then expect you to adhere to their backwards mentality. NOPE!
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Anonymous #1
#4
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(Original post by Kabzzzy)
You're an adult now, so it's about time you made your own decisions. I understand it'll make things difficult with the family, but what is your breaking point? You stay home for University, they'll then dictate where and what sort of job you should get. At that point they'll probably expect you to marry and then they'll be finding your husband. After that you're expected to live by whatever your in-laws expect.

Break that stupid cycle, move out and make your own decisions. She will be upset but she's hardly going to abandon you over that. She will get over it. And if for any reason she doesn't, then perhaps that's more of a reflection on her and her intentions with her children than it is on you. As an Asian myself, I'm sick of these stories where parents bring you up in western civilisation and then expect you to adhere to their backwards mentality. NOPE!
Thank you sm! Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s sick of this lmao and I think I’m gonna have to do something thank you
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by AnActor184)
Understand your legal rights and the law. In the UK what she’s doing can be seen as domestic abuse. You’re free from parental control when you’re 16, so she isn’t allowed to be doing this.

If the chats aren’t working try to speak with your school. Maybe a teacher will be able to get through to her.

I’m Asian too so I think she might be saying this because she’s really religious. You can try and reassure her that you’ll only live with girls. Maybe decide terms and conditions. Pinpoint all the issues she has and try and tackle them.

You could still go to Uni by commuting to and from home. I’m assuming your uni is far away so when you come home late you can prove to her that travelling late can be dangerous and that this is why you wanted to live in a dorm.

Remember that it’s your life and you deserve the best for you. Do what you’re willing to do to get it!

I genuinely hope and pray that she lets you go, and that you get the best possible outcome.

Good luck!
Thank you that also makes sense I’m deffo gonna try and good luck as well !
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AnActor184
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you that also makes sense I’m deffo gonna try and good luck as well !
Update me on progress! I’m rooting for you!
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londonmyst
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Always trust your gut instict and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
It is your life, your future and your right to decide for yourself on the future life that you want.
Above all put your health, safety and future ambitions first.

You have a choice between obeying your parents and choosing for yourself.
I understand some of how you feel, as a teenage schoolgirl I was in a somewhat similar situation as were many friends.
I grew up in a toxic controlling household surrounded by unreasonable people and was expected to obey them & their bizarre rules.
My family tree includes centuries of arranged marriages and religious endogamy, often involving marriage to biological relatives.
When I lived with parents, I wasn't allowed out on my own.
Got subjected to daily insults, frequent humiliation tactics and forced to perform hours of free labour for the benefit of their favourite pet causes & horrid pals.
I planned to move out as soon as I was 18, had got a uni place and saved up for years to pay for student accommodation costs.

But my mother had other ideas.
She swiped my life savings so that I wouldn't be able to afford to move out.
Then told me I would not be allowed to move out for uni or have a student loan and would have to pay rent for my bedroom.
Then made demands about joining her activist groups, campaigning with her friends and gave me an inheritance ultimatum: obey or be disinherited.
I walked out that day with a small amount of cash and as many things as I could carry.
I have not set foot in my parents home since I escaped, will never go back and avoid all contact.
8 years, an undergrad and few of postgrads later- my main regret is that I waited so long to leave.
Plus the fact that my life savings and I couldn't leave together.

Good luck!
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AnActor184
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Always trust your gut instict and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
It is your life, your future and your right to decide for yourself on the future life that you want.
Above all put your health, safety and future ambitions first.

You have a choice between obeying your parents and choosing for yourself.
I understand some of how you feel, as a teenage schoolgirl I was in a somewhat similar situation as were many friends.
I grew up in a toxic controlling household surrounded by unreasonable people and was expected to obey them & their bizarre rules.
My family tree includes centuries of arranged marriages and religious endogamy, often involving marriage to biological relatives.
When I lived with parents, I wasn't allowed out on my own.
Got subjected to daily insults, frequent humiliation tactics and forced to perform hours of free labour for the benefit of their favourite pet causes & horrid pals.
I planned to move out as soon as I was 18, had got a uni place and saved up for years to pay for student accommodation costs.

But my mother had other ideas.
She swiped my life savings so that I wouldn't be able to afford to move out.
Then told me I would not be allowed to move out for uni or have a student loan and would have to pay rent for my bedroom.
Then made demands about joining her activist groups, campaigning with her friends and gave me an inheritance ultimatum: obey or be disinherited.
I walked out that day with a small amount of cash and as many things as I could carry.
I have not set foot in my parents home since I escaped, will never go back and avoid all contact.
8 years, an undergrad and few of postgrads later- my main regret is that I waited so long to leave.
Plus the fact that my life savings and I couldn't leave together.

Good luck!
You know I think I might have to do that in the future. Any advice if I do? And also how are things now? I hope they’re a million times better
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londonmyst
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(Original post by AnActor184)
You know I think I might have to do that in the future. Any advice if I do? And also how are things now? I hope they’re a million times better
I'm happy, have my freedom & privacy and am so grateful to have got away.

Save up as much money as you can, switch your bank statements to paperfree and try to have a strong support network.
Make sure that nobody in your family can ever access your banking login, ucas or student finance info.
Nor find out where you keep your cash.
If you are able to build your credit score without risking an angry reaction or punishment from relatives, do it.

Above all- always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Be very cautious if there is too much whispering that suddenly stops when you enter the room, you sense danger or something feels weird.
Good luck!
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AnActor184
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(Original post by londonmyst)
I'm happy, have my freedom & privacy and am so grateful to have got away.

Save up as much money as you can, switch your bank statements to paperfree and try to have a strong support network.
Make sure that nobody in your family can ever access your banking login, ucas or student finance info.
Nor find out where you keep your cash.
If you are able to build your credit score without risking an angry reaction or punishment from relatives, do it.

Above all- always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Be very cautious if there is too much whispering that suddenly stops when you enter the room, you sense danger or something feels weird.
Good luck!
I’m glad it worked out for you!

Thanks so much for your advice!
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m planning on moving away for uni I’m Asian and I told my mum and she said that she’s strictly against it. Apparently it makes our family think that I’m just going for ‘boys’. She does not understand that I have morals as well and that I would never go for ‘boys’. I can’t just go because that would mean breaking ties with all my family and I’m not prepared to do so. I’ve had multiple chats with her but it’s not working … what should I do
You'll save a lot of money by staying at home
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