am I controlling? and is being ‘nice’ a good enough reason to be friends?

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I don’t like my partners friends. I have known him for 15 years but together for 2.5, mainly making it work long distance due to personal commitments. Now the time has come for us to move in together and I have met his close friends, i’m not so sure it’s going to work.. I have met some of them over time, and I don’t think they are good for him but he convinced me otherwise and I was able to shrug it off as I wasn’t constantly around them. They do not work and they take drugs on a frequent basis, most are under the care of social services and think the government are to blame for their dysfunctional lives. I have tried to make conversation with them but I struggle as we have no common ground. He thinks because I do not agree with their lifestyle choices and do not want to be around them, I am controlling. Is this control? and is being a nice person, good enough to start a friendship? They are nice people, I cannot say they are horrible, we just do not have anything in common and they live a life that I do not wish to follow. I want the best for him, and he just can’t see why I do not like them, i’m always the one in the wrong and he constantly tells me it’s a ‘me problem’ and I need to be more accepting of other people.
0
reply
Abzzz57
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don’t like my partners friends. I have known him for 15 years but together for 2.5, mainly making it work long distance due to personal commitments. Now the time has come for us to move in together and I have met his close friends, i’m not so sure it’s going to work.. I have met some of them over time, and I don’t think they are good for him but he convinced me otherwise and I was able to shrug it off as I wasn’t constantly around them. They do not work and they take drugs on a frequent basis, most are under the care of social services and think the government are to blame for their dysfunctional lives. I have tried to make conversation with them but I struggle as we have no common ground. He thinks because I do not agree with their lifestyle choices and do not want to be around them, I am controlling. Is this control? and is being a nice person, good enough to start a friendship? They are nice people, I cannot say they are horrible, we just do not have anything in common and they live a life that I do not wish to follow. I want the best for him, and he just can’t see why I do not like them, i’m always the one in the wrong and he constantly tells me it’s a ‘me problem’ and I need to be more accepting of other people.
Hi, this seems like quite a tricky situation because I can see both points of view, you want the best for him and he has been friends with them for awhile so would be more inclined to stand up for them and perhaps ignore the bad side of things.

I don't see it as controlling and more that your looking out for him but the more you push the issue of not liking them the more he will dig his heels in and stay friends with them.

I would recommend sitting down and expressing your views in a calm way, don't give all of the bad points or **** them off but put it in a way that shows you care for him. Then maybe try and do something with them that's away from the drug taking and a bit more interesting to you, you might see them in a different light and get to them better!

Would you be living with them when you move in with your bf?
1
reply
Final Fantasy
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
You sound like a very sensible person actually. Tell your partner how things are gonna be otherwise end the relationship. You don't wanna be with a loser.
1
reply
Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#4
(Original post by Abzzz57)
Hi, this seems like quite a tricky situation because I can see both points of view, you want the best for him and he has been friends with them for awhile so would be more inclined to stand up for them and perhaps ignore the bad side of things.

I don't see it as controlling and more that your looking out for him but the more you push the issue of not liking them the more he will dig his heels in and stay friends with them.

I would recommend sitting down and expressing your views in a calm way, don't give all of the bad points or **** them off but put it in a way that shows you care for him. Then maybe try and do something with them that's away from the drug taking and a bit more interesting to you, you might see them in a different light and get to them better!

Would you be living with them when you move in with your bf?
Hi! Thank you for your help - I have tried other options, such as maybe going out for dinner or maybe a day out somewhere, involving all of their children too, maybe like a theme park but somewhere along the line drugs are always in the picture, they praise me for not touching them but also think i’m boring!
They are very much like a family, so they are always in my partners house, I have expressed to him that because I work long hours, I do not wish to have them there when I am home, but he hasn’t respected this so far. I’ve sat him down a few times but we seem to be hitting a brick wall, I need to maybe attempt a final different approach. He has been friends with them since school so his whole life really and when I look at them all I can tell this, I feel like they left school but not the play ground
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#5
Report 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don’t like my partners friends. I have known him for 15 years but together for 2.5, mainly making it work long distance due to personal commitments. Now the time has come for us to move in together and I have met his close friends, i’m not so sure it’s going to work.. I have met some of them over time, and I don’t think they are good for him but he convinced me otherwise and I was able to shrug it off as I wasn’t constantly around them. They do not work and they take drugs on a frequent basis, most are under the care of social services and think the government are to blame for their dysfunctional lives. I have tried to make conversation with them but I struggle as we have no common ground. He thinks because I do not agree with their lifestyle choices and do not want to be around them, I am controlling. Is this control? and is being a nice person, good enough to start a friendship? They are nice people, I cannot say they are horrible, we just do not have anything in common and they live a life that I do not wish to follow. I want the best for him, and he just can’t see why I do not like them, i’m always the one in the wrong and he constantly tells me it’s a ‘me problem’ and I need to be more accepting of other people.
Cheat on him with one of his friends and that should sort things out
0
reply
Abzzz57
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#6
Report 1 month ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi! Thank you for your help - I have tried other options, such as maybe going out for dinner or maybe a day out somewhere, involving all of their children too, maybe like a theme park but somewhere along the line drugs are always in the picture, they praise me for not touching them but also think i’m boring!
They are very much like a family, so they are always in my partners house, I have expressed to him that because I work long hours, I do not wish to have them there when I am home, but he hasn’t respected this so far. I’ve sat him down a few times but we seem to be hitting a brick wall, I need to maybe attempt a final different approach. He has been friends with them since school so his whole life really and when I look at them all I can tell this, I feel like they left school but not the play ground
That's really hard then! Especially if you repeatedly set boundaries and he's not taking any notice of them! That's understandable and it's weird that he hasn't listened to you, even being friends for along time shouldn't be affecting your relationship, especially as you've known eachother for so long!

Ultimatums don't usually work and it can cause problems but it might be time to do that. Perhaps another way is asking him to at least set a few days free for when they won't be there, maybe date nights just for you 2 and a day for when you can have time to yourself! It might make it a bit clearer! I hope it works out for you!
2
reply
Dunnig Kruger
Badges: 16
Rep:
?
#7
Report 1 month ago
#7
Your boyfriend is taking drugs too.

That's not the sort of guy you should be getting involved with.

Do not move in with him. Find yourself a boyfriend that doesn't do drugs. And that doesn't have a load of self-destructive friends.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Feeling behind at school/college? What is the best thing your teachers could to help you catch up?

Extra compulsory independent learning activities (eg, homework tasks) (0)
0%
Run extra compulsory lessons or workshops (4)
23.53%
Focus on making the normal lesson time with them as high quality as possible (2)
11.76%
Focus on making the normal learning resources as high quality/accessible as possible (2)
11.76%
Provide extra optional activities, lessons and/or workshops (7)
41.18%
Assess students, decide who needs extra support and focus on these students (2)
11.76%

Watched Threads

View All