Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I have a friend we can call Kate. I have lived with her for two years and she is in the same friendship group as me. Due to the pandemic, I have very few close friends in university who I can depend upon.

A few months ago, I had a very bad experience with her which led me to getting therapy because of the anxiety she gave me. Other friends in the same friendship group have had some extremely bad experience with her this year too (moving accommodation to get away from Kate, self-harm) and tbh I should have noticed the red flags sooner.

She makes me feel completely unlike myself. I am cautious and self-conscious of how I act and speak around her out of fear of her treatment and what she might say. Kate has a habit of saying back-handed compliments, gas-lighting, gossiping about others and many other quality I find worrying and frankly disturbing in a friend.

How can I distance myself from Kate when she is constantly around the group? I don't want to grow apart from my other friends but I fear this might be the only solution. The trouble is that she has no idea the affect she has had on me and on other people. Kate is utterly oblivious to the chaos she has caused. I have discussed my anxiety with a few friends, but I don't expect them to cut her off.

She keeps asking to go out for coffee or to a bar/pub for drinks and I have to keep coming up with excuses but I am quickly running out because she is so persistent. How can I get some boundaries?

I want to learn how to say no to her without feeling guilty. Her response to me speaking my mind is always to say "that's really unfair" or "you can't say/feel that, that's really upsetting for me". Totally gaslighting. When she says these things, I become a doormat and she emotionally manipulates me into feeling guilty or sorry for her. How can I get over this and feel confident?
0
reply
aj_24
Badges: 7
Rep:
?
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
Hi,

In my opinion, I hope you don’t mind, but perhaps a shut up call can sometimes be useful in order to let the other person know they’re not all important and everyone is equal. You could perhaps also try talking to the other friends in the group and come up with a solution such as talking to her calmly and letting her know as long as it’s a few of you saying it together. Have you tried to talk to someone as the university or your therapist. Hope this helps
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#3
(Original post by aj_24)
Hi,

In my opinion, I hope you don’t mind, but perhaps a shut up call can sometimes be useful in order to let the other person know they’re not all important and everyone is equal. You could perhaps also try talking to the other friends in the group and come up with a solution such as talking to her calmly and letting her know as long as it’s a few of you saying it together. Have you tried to talk to someone as the university or your therapist. Hope this helps
The problem is that none of my other friends know the full extent of how she makes me feel and therefore, they wouldn't want to talk in a group to her. I would rather keep the fact I'm seeing a therapist private. The friends who have had previous problems with her have now gone home due Jess and do not want any further contact with her at all.

My therapist doesn't really give me a solution to what I should do. He only makes me think about whether its worth saying friends with the group if Jess makes me so unhappy. The way I see it is I either learn to set boundaries and cope around Jess, or I leave Jess and my friends and start afresh.
1
reply
aj_24
Badges: 7
Rep:
?
#4
Report 1 month ago
#4
I understand what your saying perhaps trying to set boundaries is what is best. It’s a test and I am sure you can pass it, at first it seems hard but create some boundaries by limiting yourself from when and how long you want to hang out with them. Find happiness in your own self and don’t rely on people.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Feeling behind at school/college? What is the best thing your teachers could to help you catch up?

Extra compulsory independent learning activities (eg, homework tasks) (3)
3.75%
Run extra compulsory lessons or workshops (11)
13.75%
Focus on making the normal lesson time with them as high quality as possible (14)
17.5%
Focus on making the normal learning resources as high quality/accessible as possible (9)
11.25%
Provide extra optional activities, lessons and/or workshops (29)
36.25%
Assess students, decide who needs extra support and focus on these students (14)
17.5%

Watched Threads

View All