Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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I'm 19 and heading into my second year at university. I have always had quite low self-esteem, especially when I was in my early teens, however, over the past few months I have noticed that I actively dislike myself and the way I am living my life.

I wouldn’t say that I have no friends, that would be extreme, but the friends that I do have I am not particularly close to anymore and very rarely speak to. I didn't have the best time at university this year. I was terrified of going and leaving the support network of my family that I had relied on for so many years but found that I was going out and about with new people doing new things fairly frequently for the first couple of weeks. This only lasted until classes started and I stopped seeing anybody. All of my classes were online, so I made no friends on my course and most societies quickly followed suit. My dorm room was also very quiet, and nobody was too interested in making new friends. I didn't join any societies which is my biggest regret. Things seemed to pick up just before my reading week after I went to a badminton class and then went out with some guys from there, but as luck would have it the second lockdown was introduced, and I decided to come home – at least until the lockdown had eased slightly. That was at the end of October, and I never spent another night in my dorm.

After that, my lingering depression got far worse, to the point where the only time I would leave the house for days was to walk my dogs. I found a therapist through Mind who helped me a lot, although she wasn’t able to get me back to my pre-COVID self. I now have a job at a pub where I am a bartender, which I enjoy very much. It has really helped me to feel less isolated and has reassured me that I am not socially inept, which has concerned me for a very long time. I am still, however, very lonely. I hate my days off as I have very little to do. Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting until I can go back to sleep. This has reawakened some of the existential anxieties that I suffered from last year, specifically an acute fear that I am wasting all of my time, that life is meaningless, death in general, etc. I have tried to occupy myself by reading lots of books, learning a language (Portuguese if anybody speaks it!), going on days out by myself and cooking more, but I am still left feeling extremely lonely and hate being left with just my thoughts.

I never used to be like this at school, although I wasn’t inundated with friends, I always had different people to talk to. I had lots of acquaintances, but not many friends. This was by my own making. I am a naturally shy person; I like to feel under control and I like routine. I would spend my weekdays socialising at school and would have my evenings and weekends to myself. I was happy like that. However, since I left school last March my entire world – and everyone else’s – was turned upside down. I didn’t really mind for the first few months because I used to enjoy my own company, but now I am just so bored.

I’m split about going back to university. On the one hand, I am afraid of having a repeat experience of my first year, however, on the other hand, I hate being at home and can’t imagine it being much worse than this. I think the recent mass lifting of restrictions was reckless and see no possible way that they won’t be re-introduced further down the line. I'm terrified that I'm going to waste another year of my life.

I’m very sorry about the essay, I felt that writing down my thoughts like this might help me feel better. Any suggestions on how I can get back on track or just some words of encouragement would be very much appreciated!
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Bowlol
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#2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm 19 and heading into my second year at university. I have always had quite low self-esteem, especially when I was in my early teens, however, over the past few months I have noticed that I actively dislike myself and the way I am living my life.

I wouldn’t say that I have no friends, that would be extreme, but the friends that I do have I am not particularly close to anymore and very rarely speak to. I didn't have the best time at university this year. I was terrified of going and leaving the support network of my family that I had relied on for so many years but found that I was going out and about with new people doing new things fairly frequently for the first couple of weeks. This only lasted until classes started and I stopped seeing anybody. All of my classes were online, so I made no friends on my course and most societies quickly followed suit. My dorm room was also very quiet, and nobody was too interested in making new friends. I didn't join any societies which is my biggest regret. Things seemed to pick up just before my reading week after I went to a badminton class and then went out with some guys from there, but as luck would have it the second lockdown was introduced, and I decided to come home – at least until the lockdown had eased slightly. That was at the end of October, and I never spent another night in my dorm.

After that, my lingering depression got far worse, to the point where the only time I would leave the house for days was to walk my dogs. I found a therapist through Mind who helped me a lot, although she wasn’t able to get me back to my pre-COVID self. I now have a job at a pub where I am a bartender, which I enjoy very much. It has really helped me to feel less isolated and has reassured me that I am not socially inept, which has concerned me for a very long time. I am still, however, very lonely. I hate my days off as I have very little to do. Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting until I can go back to sleep. This has reawakened some of the existential anxieties that I suffered from last year, specifically an acute fear that I am wasting all of my time, that life is meaningless, death in general, etc. I have tried to occupy myself by reading lots of books, learning a language (Portuguese if anybody speaks it!), going on days out by myself and cooking more, but I am still left feeling extremely lonely and hate being left with just my thoughts.

I never used to be like this at school, although I wasn’t inundated with friends, I always had different people to talk to. I had lots of acquaintances, but not many friends. This was by my own making. I am a naturally shy person; I like to feel under control and I like routine. I would spend my weekdays socialising at school and would have my evenings and weekends to myself. I was happy like that. However, since I left school last March my entire world – and everyone else’s – was turned upside down. I didn’t really mind for the first few months because I used to enjoy my own company, but now I am just so bored.

I’m split about going back to university. On the one hand, I am afraid of having a repeat experience of my first year, however, on the other hand, I hate being at home and can’t imagine it being much worse than this. I think the recent mass lifting of restrictions was reckless and see no possible way that they won’t be re-introduced further down the line. I'm terrified that I'm going to waste another year of my life.

I’m very sorry about the essay, I felt that writing down my thoughts like this might help me feel better. Any suggestions on how I can get back on track or just some words of encouragement would be very much appreciated!
if you have a subject you want to do at university i would say go for it however make sure to stop yourself from having those same experiences for example make sure to join societies also alot of universities offer counselling services you can use as well which you could make use of. Personally i am the same situation as you as my first year of uni was kinda destroyed by covid and not being able to make friends due to it and that leaving me anxious however you just have to make sure to come back at it twice as hard as you did before. From what it sounds also you seem to have the ability to push yourself to do things such as learning and language so i believe that given time you will be able to acclimate yourself to social settings better.

tl:dr- Keep going uni. Join Societies and make sure to push yourself to socialise
I believe you can do it
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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(Original post by Bowlol)
if you have a subject you want to do at university i would say go for it however make sure to stop yourself from having those same experiences for example make sure to join societies also alot of universities offer counselling services you can use as well which you could make use of. Personally i am the same situation as you as my first year of uni was kinda destroyed by covid and not being able to make friends due to it and that leaving me anxious however you just have to make sure to come back at it twice as hard as you did before. From what it sounds also you seem to have the ability to push yourself to do things such as learning and language so i believe that given time you will be able to acclimate yourself to social settings better.

tl:dr- Keep going uni. Join Societies and make sure to push yourself to socialise
I believe you can do it
Thank you!
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sophiamumtaz
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keep goinggg it'll all be okay soon. i'm not in uni yet so idk what is there but i suggest going to a club or taking up a new subject or if you're bored you should get tiktok only because it makes you look forward to watching loads of stuff and people can really make you feel better!!!
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