Dad doesn't like me

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Anonymous #1
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After many years of a bad relationship with my dad who was abusive, controlling, and is one of the most problematic figures i my life i've sadly learned it's not because he really cared/loved me which is what others tried to justify it as but he has his own issues, is narcissistic and doesn't even like me. PS i'm the only one in the family who stands up to him and i'm a feminist, he hates me even more for that.

Even since i became an adult now every time he sees me basically it's underhand comments about my personality, anytime i interfere when i hear him harassing or bullying my mum he tells me to clear off and mind my own business. Over time i will distance myself from him as he just ruins my confidence and messes with my head but can't deny it hurts to find out all the pain over the years was for nothing, i was just naive and he doesn't care about me. He treats my sibling very differently.

How do you get over this and stop trying to seek validation from such people? I have a good relationship with my mum so can't cut him off completely. I've put in too much time/effort trying to talk to him sincerely but it was pointless and i felt worse after. But i feel kinda heartbroken ngl
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PilgrimOfTruth
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Your situation is extremely common. Lots of families are "dysfunctional" like this. I too don't get on with my parents for various reasons. So I simply live my life in isolation of them. Haven't met them for years save for when I attended the wedding of a cousin. It's ok. It happens to lots of people. Part of life. Build your own character, gain strength from independence. Too many people are too dependent on their parents imo.
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tippytoe
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(Original post by PilgrimOfTruth)
Your situation is extremely common. Lots of families are "dysfunctional" like this. I too don't get on with my parents for various reasons. So I simply live my life in isolation of them. Haven't met them for years save for when I attended the wedding of a cousin. It's ok. It happens to lots of people. Part of life. Build your own character, gain strength from independence. Too many people are too dependent on their parents imo.
Not everyone 'gains strength' from cutting people out of their lives. Humans are ultimately interdependent.

I don't think we should be too dependent either, but trying hard to do everything alone with no help is a fast route to mental illness.
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Ghostface6001
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(Original post by Anonymous)
After many years of a bad relationship with my dad who was abusive, controlling, and is one of the most problematic figures i my life i've sadly learned it's not because he really cared/loved me which is what others tried to justify it as but he has his own issues, is narcissistic and doesn't even like me. PS i'm the only one in the family who stands up to him and i'm a feminist, he hates me even more for that.

Even since i became an adult now every time he sees me basically it's underhand comments about my personality, anytime i interfere when i hear him harassing or bullying my mum he tells me to clear off and mind my own business. Over time i will distance myself from him as he just ruins my confidence and messes with my head but can't deny it hurts to find out all the pain over the years was for nothing, i was just naive and he doesn't care about me. He treats my sibling very differently.

How do you get over this and stop trying to seek validation from such people? I have a good relationship with my mum so can't cut him off completely. I've put in too much time/effort trying to talk to him sincerely but it was pointless and i felt worse after. But i feel kinda heartbroken ngl
Do u still live with him
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uberteknik
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There is no right or wrong answer, just find a balance that works for you.

It will be easier when you leave home eventually and your situation is not uncommon. I could not wait to leave home at the first opportunity when I reached 21 and bought my first property.

My father was patriarchal and frighteningly aggressive in his Victorian attitudes. I distanced myself from him and immersed myself in career and higher education using these as excuses to limit contact.

Unfortunately, mum died when I was still in my late teens and contact with my father limited itself to family gatherings like Christmas and weddings. Eventually forgave him after he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer but at that time he had three months before he passed.

I'm always reminded of Larkin's poem - 'This be the verse'.

https://web.cs.dal.ca/~johnston/poetry/theverse.html
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by uberteknik)
There is no right or wrong answer, just find a balance that works for you.

It will be easier when you leave home eventually and your situation is not uncommon. I could not wait to leave home at the first opportunity when I reached 21 and bought my first property.

My father was patriarchal and frighteningly aggressive in his Victorian attitudes. I distanced myself from him and immersed myself in career and higher education using these as excuses to limit contact.

Unfortunately, mum died when I was still in my late teens and contact with my father limited itself to family gatherings like Christmas and weddings. Eventually forgave him after he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer but at that time he had three months before he passed.

I'm always reminded of Larkin's poem - 'This be the verse'.

https://web.cs.dal.ca/~johnston/poetry/theverse.html
I left home at 17 for the same reason, had always wanted to get out asap. But it's complicated, we have to live together again for a little while. My career is not going to plan and i'm lost in my own life which makes it harder to be alone.

lol at the poem! my thoughts exactly.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by PilgrimOfTruth)
Your situation is extremely common. Lots of families are "dysfunctional" like this. I too don't get on with my parents for various reasons. So I simply live my life in isolation of them. Haven't met them for years save for when I attended the wedding of a cousin. It's ok. It happens to lots of people. Part of life. Build your own character, gain strength from independence. Too many people are too dependent on their parents imo.
My mum is great and wouldn't deserve that treatment. but also parents are dependent on their kids. when i first distanced myself they both fell into bad depressions then their health worsened and all kinds of things. I come from a culture which is very particular about things. but yes i need to figure my own life out, unfortunately i've had MH problems my whole life and nothing is working out as i'd hoped eg work, career, relationships etc. Without family i feel 100% i have nothing left tbh
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