I don't know what to even do anymore. [TW]Watch
My parents are emotionally abusive towards me, and have been for years, well my mother, since she raised me alone mostly, but things haven't gotten any better. I was suicidal in May, and I have since stopped taking medication for it because it hasn't worked. I know this was a stupid thing to do because I should just say they don't work, but even phonecalls make me anxious.
When I was younger, my mother (who also has depression like me) would take it out on my younger self, not frequently, but the things she has said have stuck with me to this day, and it was around 8 years ago now.
I don't want to do anything during the day, I just...melt into my own misery. I've had my mother belittle me for being uncomfortable with sex, call me useless and say I won't amount to anything. She says I'm lazy because I don't apply for jobs, but I have, the problem is they never reply and get back to me, and it's just utterly disheartening.
The other thing is that I'm going under diagnosis for autism, and they constantly (mum and stepdad) make comments about things I do or say things about me, like one time when I lost my meds and my stepdad said "are you simple?" and things like that. Me being very sensitive it really got to me and still has.
I was never taught basic things by my mother very well, like how to clean, use a washing machine or cook, and I feel very miserable a lot of the time. This has translated to university.
I am now in a position where I absolutely under no circumstances want to live at home anymore, nor do I want to be in university. I am considering trying to find work, fulltime, instead of student work, and trying to earn money to find a place for myself.
I can't stand the pressure and mental loneliness and stress of university anymore, even less with my mother around me. I have considered going into town tomorrow, and going to the jobcentre to discuss working options, and dropping out of uni.
I will also ring my grandparents tomorrow and speak to them, as they may be a potential safe place for me. I just...I'm really out of my depth, any opinions or advice would be appreciated. I'm 20, almost 21, with little to no work experience, struggling with ASD diagnosis and Cerebral Palsy as well.
I just feel so lost and so miserable and so in over my head, I just do not want to live like this for even another year. I'm so bloody miserable.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. First of all, I think it's very normal to struggle with your academic orientation at your age, you should not beat yourself too much. Life is long and you still have a lot of time to figure out what you want to do.
Regarding your family situation, I can't really judge your parents but they seem extremely abusive. If you are able to find a temporary job and move out, I think you should do it; I don't think your lack of experience will prevent you from finding one, you have to start somewhere. I just hope that your family won't be in the way and talk you out of it.
I am sending you a lot of positive energy and don't give up.