Is boyfriend uncomfortable about money or is he just stingy?

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Briefprofile
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So, my boyfriend comes from a well-off family. I don't mean they are filthy rich or anything, but they have done well for themselves.

His parents provide everything for him. They don't allow him to work. His mum goes shopping with him for clothes. And of course since he lives with them, they provide food etc. I, on the other hand, my parents struggle abit to provide for us. We are not extremely poor, but I wouldn't say we are up there compared to my boyfriend. I have to work two jobs (in summer) and one during uni time to help my mom with bills etc. I'm used to fending for myself and don't rely on anyone for anything.

My boyfriend though comfortable, his parents shame and guilt trip him and his siblings about all the money they give them. Or anything they own. And as a result, he has a very complex relationship with money. He doesn't want to talk money. He is uncomfortable about money. I can't even talk to him about the graveness of my money struggles (not asking for anything from him just wanting to vent) because he will become quesy. So sometimes I feel I'm biting my tongue in this aspect.

Recently, it dawned on me how much I am spending on him and the relationship. I don't mean the kind of spending where I'm buying him stuff that he doesn't want and won't use. I mean the spending where I see him eying something let's say, an animation figurine and it's affordable (in my aspect) I would surprise him with it. And I'm not stretching my pocket, but I'm a firm believer of putting my money where my mouth is. Regardless of the occasion. He is a collector of these things but he feels guilty to buy anything in case the parents confront him about it.

As for him, I can barely remember anything he has got for me. He has bought me Popcorn and chocolate snacks. I was happy for the gesture, but there was no thoughtfulness to it at all. But he recently bought Thanos' gauntlet that costs almost £60 without a flinch!! Yet for my birthday, I just received a card and a savings box with him joking about me needing to save my money. Yet on all the outings, I pay for both of us (if I'm doing well that day) or suggest to go halfsies (on a rainy day) because he shuts down and stares at me when the bill is brought.

Now, my question is, is he stingy with his money (I have seen his account once ) or is he just uncomfortable about spending his money? If it's because he is uncomfortable, does that mean he doesn't love me that much to spend his money on me at all? I can't possibly have a money conversation with him because he will squirm thinking he is being confronted (or lectured as he puts it when his parents talk to him) about money. What can I do? I feel my needs are not being met in a way.
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GabiAbi84
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You know I was on your side until that last sentence “I feel my needs are not being met in a way” - what needs to you have that require him to spend money? None.
If you buy him things that’s your decision, not in an expectancy of getting something in return.

And you say he doesn’t buy things for himself yet in the next paragraph he’s buying himself a gauntlet-which is it?

As for you paying for everything- that’s your choice to not have the conversation about who’s paying.
That’s the only issue I can really see here, but it could all be cleared up by just always splitting the bill. It’s as simple as you taking the bill and saying, okay that’s £XX each.
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Grizwuld
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No - he is stingy and no gentleman.

Worse still he has major character flaws - not the least is that he is taking advantage of you. Looking at his behaviour/attitude he is a bit of a coward - do you really want a future with that kind of person. It will probably drive you nuts over time.

Basically wouldn't it be best to change him for a better model. Of course if he is really good in the sack keep him for R & R and find a nicer guy for the other stuff.

Good luck.
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(Original post by GabiAbi84)
You know I was on your side until that last sentence “I feel my needs are not being met in a way” - what needs to you have that require him to spend money? None.
If you buy him things that’s your decision, not in an expectancy of getting something in return.

And you say he doesn’t buy things for himself yet in the next paragraph he’s buying himself a gauntlet-which is it?

As for you paying for everything- that’s your choice to not have the conversation about who’s paying.
That’s the only issue I can really see here, but it could all be cleared up by just always splitting the bill. It’s as simple as you taking the bill and saying, okay that’s £XX each.
Thank you for your insight on this.

My needs are not met in a way that I can't talk to him about money. AT ALL! Which means in the future, serious topics like money won't be had. Not properly. So, I have sugar coated what I'm going through many times because he just gets squirmy about the whole thing. I understand that buying him stuff is my decision, I'm not holding him against it. What I meant to say was that, I don't feel seen. He never goes an extra mile for me. Not once. and when he does, like on birthdays, it's half hearted. I had to get something kind of thing.

He recently started buying stuff for himself because I told him it's okay to treat yourself once in a while. But before, he was really scared to spend on anything. Even if it's for him.

That's the thing. I have no option of chatting about picking the tab. He stonewalls me. He jokes his way out of it and tells me it's too serious. And it reminds him of "constant nagging from his parents" Splitting the bill has become the norm now. It's just that, I call the shots on all money matters. It's tiring. Makes me not want to hang out with him as I will be worrying about money but he won't have the conversation.

I have taken the bill once and asked him to pay his half, he didn't. It must have slipped his mind. So I have since then suggested everyone pays separately.
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(Original post by Grizwuld)
No - he is stingy and no gentleman.

Worse still he has major character flaws - not the least is that he is taking advantage of you. Looking at his behaviour/attitude he is a bit of a coward - do you really want a future with that kind of person. It will probably drive you nuts over time.

Basically wouldn't it be best to change him for a better model. Of course if he is really good in the sack keep him for R & R and find a nicer guy for the other stuff.

Good luck.
This made me smile a little.

Funny thing is that I have been considering exactly this same thing and some of my friends suggested it too. But I love him and don't want to be with him just because he is good in the sack.

I am considering breaking the whole thing off, but hesitant because I feel there is a way round it. And yes you are right. He is quite cowardly but I guess some people are like that. The character flaws are plenty (I'm not perfect either) but this one stands out more.

At the risk of sounding shallow again: It feels good to be treated by your boyfriend once in a while. Nothing extravagant.
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londonmyst
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I'm not sure whether your bf is quite stingy, opportunistic, spineless, all three or has just been cowed by the financial tyranny of his controlling parents.
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karl pilkington
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Maybe he doesn't want you to buy those things although it is a bit weird he bought a figurine thing also why don't his parents allow him to work?
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Trinculo
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OP is like the Angel of Mons to so many people on this forum. They've read that there are girls that go out with boys who like "animation figurines" and what's more - they also buy them as presents. There are people weeping with joy and hope right now.
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(Original post by karl pilkington)
Maybe he doesn't want you to buy those things although it is a bit weird he bought a figurine thing also why don't his parents allow him to work?
You know, it's not just the figurines. You know how you are walking in a shop and see something nice and buy it for your loved one, Be it a sister, brother, etc but in this case it's my boyfriend. I'm not forcing gifts on him. It's kind of second nature tome. And to be fair, he doesn't seem (or hasn't mentioned being) uncomfortable.

I'm not sure why his parents don't allow him to work. But that's that. They have quite a strong hold on him. For instance, he can't have friends over. Those kinds of rules. No reason, just abide by the rule.
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karl pilkington
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(Original post by Briefprofile)
You know, it's not just the figurines. You know how you are walking in a shop and see something nice and buy it for your loved one, Be it a sister, brother, etc but in this case it's my boyfriend. I'm not forcing gifts on him. It's kind of second nature tome. And to be fair, he doesn't seem (or hasn't mentioned being) uncomfortable.

I'm not sure why his parents don't allow him to work. But that's that. They have quite a strong hold on him. For instance, he can't have friends over. Those kinds of rules. No reason, just abide by the rule.
how odd maybe just stop buying him stuff? if you both love each other then that is the most important thing
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(Original post by karl pilkington)
Maybe he doesn't want you to buy those things although it is a bit weird he bought a figurine thing also why don't his parents allow him to work?
He doesn't seem uncomfortable about the gifts. Quite the opposite actually. I didn't realize it would be a bad thing to spoil my boyfriend.

I'm not sure why his parents don't allow him to work. They have quite a strong hold on him. He is not allowed friends over for instance. No reason. Just no friends. That kind of thing.
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(Original post by londonmyst)
I'm not sure whether your bf is quite stingy, opportunistic, spineless, all three or has just been cowed by the financial tyranny of his controlling parents.
Well that makes the two us. Not sure which one is it. That's why I asked for help here because I feel there could be a way round it.
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(Original post by Trinculo)
OP is like the Angel of Mons to so many people on this forum. They've read that there are girls that go out with boys who like "animation figurines" and what's more - they also buy them as presents. There are people weeping with joy and hope right now.
😂 well you can't choose who you love.
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(Original post by karl pilkington)
how odd maybe just stop buying him stuff? if you both love each other then that is the most important thing
Yeah. You got a point. But I like spoiling people I love. I'm gonna have to stop myself, I guess. This doesn't solve the elephant in the room though. We can't ever talk about money?
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Dunnig Kruger
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His behaviour has been fine - apart from the stupid £60 gauntlet. And that on its' own represents an annoying amount of selfishness and imaturity on his part.

It's OK for him to not spend money. Especially when it's not his money. It's his parents. I'd feel guilty spending other people's money.

But it's not OK for him to sponge off you and to buy stupid £60 kiddies toys for himself.

Have a conversation with him about what he sees himself doing after uni. To earn money. And then when he's earning money what his attitude to spending it, saving it, investing it is. If his after-uni approach to money will be compatible with yours, then don't dump him over this money issue. If you will be incompatible, dump him and get a boyfriend with whom you will be compatible.
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
His behaviour has been fine - apart from the stupid £60 gauntlet. And that on its' own represents an annoying amount of selfishness and imaturity on his part.

It's OK for him to not spend money. Especially when it's not his money. It's his parents. I'd feel guilty spending other people's money.

But it's not OK for him to sponge off you and to buy stupid £60 kiddies toys for himself.

Have a conversation with him about what he sees himself doing after uni. To earn money. And then when he's earning money what his attitude to spending it, saving it, investing it is. If his after-uni approach to money will be compatible with yours, then don't dump him over this money issue. If you will be incompatible, dump him and get a boyfriend with whom you will be compatible.
You explained that wholesomely. That's what I wanted to convey. I just struggled to bring it out this clearly.

The after-uni talk we have already had it. He has big plans. But his parents have other plans for him. His parents are "looking at setting him up for family business and marry him to a rich lady" his words not mine. So, I don't think the rich woman is me. Therefore negated the parents plans and thought his plans were neat.

The thing is, his parents infantilize him especially when it comes to money . So we can't talk about money properly. And in that sense we may be incompatible?
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Dunnig Kruger
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How confident are you that he has a backbone and can and will stand up to his family and make his own decision on who he will marry?

And surely it's not so important whether you are rich or not? Surely it's more a case of can you become rich?
From the sound of things, if you were set up in their family business you'd make a better manager and director than him?
And so on that basis, surely they should welcome you into the family with open arms?
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Gavin2016
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Dunnig is likely correct, the guy is likely too wet to run any business without it suffering, not his fault but the way his parents are bringing him up. He is essentially shielded from everything apart from lessons on how money should be valued. That lesson is of course important but it can be taken to an extreme where he ends up not stumping up where he should and gets seen by others in a bad light.

I think your worst problem here isn't so much money but a guy who sounds have the age of the uni age student that he is. Animation figurines? Gauntlet of Thanos? Surely 10-12 year old kids toys. I get that some guys are into fantasy in a big way and it can form the basis of relationships but I think in most cases too much of this isn't really what most girls wish to see. Jordan Peterson (US psychologist) tells us that if guys aren't given responsibilities they become infantile, they act as boys rather than men. Not so much your bf's fault but his parents keeping him from any means of being capable of self independence. Pushing this is likely to cause big arguments so it's probably best not to go there. Odds are his parents aren't keen on you as anything more than a casual girlfriend as you are not from the he wealthy background they would prefer for their son and probably won't be happy with waiting on the off chance that you may get there.

I don't see the guy breaking free from his parents, they have a tight hold on him and even if he does it could cause him being cast out from his family so not a nice thing for him. Unless you do really feel strongly for him over other men it may be best to move on and not waste anymore of each others time or emotional input or frustration. Would likely be best on all concerned that way. So if I were you I would start looking for a new bf as I don't think you'll get anywhere with this one.
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Rakas21
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(Original post by Briefprofile)
You explained that wholesomely. That's what I wanted to convey. I just struggled to bring it out this clearly.

The after-uni talk we have already had it. He has big plans. But his parents have other plans for him. His parents are "looking at setting him up for family business and marry him to a rich lady" his words not mine. So, I don't think the rich woman is me. Therefore negated the parents plans and thought his plans were neat.

The thing is, his parents infantilize him especially when it comes to money . So we can't talk about money properly. And in that sense we may be incompatible?
You have become involved with a man who is not financially mature enough for you, this is your fundamanetal issue. Even if your long term plans are compatible you are currently with a man who allows his parents to dictate whether he works or not and how he spends his money (and you believe he will suddenly reject their path for his own because.. if he's not strong enough now it seems unlikely he will develop the mental strength in the next few months).

You need to stop shying from the hard conversations. Sit him down, inform him that he needs to start paying for half the stuff and if he comes up with an excuse instruct him to get a job, there are currently record vacancies and no better time to gain a menial job. If he is happy to sponge off his parents (even if they moneycodel him willingly) then he is not yet a man and not an emotional investment that will perform for you anytime soon.

As somebody of a poor background myself i don't believe that class is a terminal issue for relationships normally but in some cases it can be. This may be the case for your own relationship if your boyfriend is not financially mature enough to take control of his life. Your akin to a woman who has a non-rich boyfriend that just sits around gaming all day even if he has master plans down the line. Ultimately you must choose between demanding their maturity now, being a 'waitee kaitie' (i.e. allowing his emotional development to dictate your path together) or writing him off as an emotional investment.
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Little pecker
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(Original post by Rakas21)
You have become involved with a man who is not financially mature enough for you, this is your fundamanetal issue. Even if your long term plans are compatible you are currently with a man who allows his parents to dictate whether he works or not and how he spends his money (and you believe he will suddenly reject their path for his own because.. if he's not strong enough now it seems unlikely he will develop the mental strength in the next few months).

You need to stop shying from the hard conversations. Sit him down, inform him that he needs to start paying for half the stuff and if he comes up with an excuse instruct him to get a job, there are currently record vacancies and no better time to gain a menial job. If he is happy to sponge off his parents (even if they moneycodel him willingly) then he is not yet a man and not an emotional investment that will perform for you anytime soon.

As somebody of a poor background myself i don't believe that class is a terminal issue for relationships normally but in some cases it can be. This may be the case for your own relationship if your boyfriend is not financially mature enough to take control of his life. Your akin to a woman who has a non-rich boyfriend that just sits around gaming all day even if he has master plans down the line. Ultimately you must choose between demanding their maturity now, being a 'waitee kaitie' (i.e. allowing his emotional development to dictate your path together) or writing him off as an emotional investment.
This post is ridiculous, how did you not cringe writing this?

I don't know if you have a chip on your shoulder or something but jfc lmao, calm down.

OP just leave, you aren't compatible, neither of you is in the wrong or right.
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