mum doesn't want me to move out

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Anonymous #1
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i'm going through clearing and have 2 options in mind. They're about 3-5 hours away from my home so i'll be living in halls.

she agreed and today she told me she doesn't want me to leave because she wants me to be a 'father figure' for my younger brothers.
she is a single mother and ive been helping keeping my brothers focus on school and stuff and she has 2 jobs so doing all of that is gonna be hard.

yet i want to move out because the unis in my area are low ranked while my other options are top 20.


i was set on moving out, now i feel so guilt ridden if i leave. what should i do
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Vapordave
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It's hard, but you need to go. Ultimately, you have your own life ahead of you and can't always stay behind to be surrogate parent. Maybe you can agree to video chat regularly?
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strawberrygemini
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i'm going through clearing and have 2 options in mind. They're about 3-5 hours away from my home so i'll be living in halls.

she agreed and today she told me she doesn't want me to leave because she wants me to be a 'father figure' for my younger brothers.
she is a single mother and ive been helping keeping my brothers focus on school and stuff and she has 2 jobs so doing all of that is gonna be hard.

yet i want to move out because the unis in my area are low ranked while my other options are top 20.


i was set on moving out, now i feel so guilt ridden if i leave. what should i do
if you want to move out I think you should- it should be your choice, and living in halls is a big part of uni experience. I understand you feel bad about leaving home, but just because you live a bit further away doesn't mean you can't still be a good role model for your brothers- you can call them/ facetime,/ visit for the weekend.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Vapordave)
It's hard, but you need to go. Ultimately, you have your own life ahead of you and can't always stay behind to be surrogate parent. Maybe you can agree to video chat regularly?
i said we can video chat and all, but since we live in a bad area which have caused a lot of kids known/friends with our family to get caught up in it. i've even said dad can move back into my room, but she said no she doesnt want him here. im so stressed, i'm also scared if i leave my brothers might get influenced,
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by strawberrygemini)
if you want to move out I think you should- it should be your choice, and living in halls is a big part of uni experience. I understand you feel bad about leaving home, but just because you live a bit further away doesn't mean you can't still be a good role model for your brothers- you can call them/ facetime,/ visit for the weekend.
yeah, but the main reason I want to leave is for the course module and uni rep/rank. i really like far away options modules and think i'll do well compared to the easy/weird modules in my area
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Vapordave
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i said we can video chat and all, but since we live in a bad area which have caused a lot of kids known/friends with our family to get caught up in it. i've even said dad can move back into my room, but she said no she doesnt want him here. im so stressed, i'm also scared if i leave my brothers might get influenced,
I sympathise with your situation. Feeling like you're the only thing keeping your brothers falling in with bad people must be difficult.
What's your support system like? Does your dad live nearby? What about extended family? Do you know anyone who could look out for them while you're gone? Anyone safe at their school(s) that they trust?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Vapordave)
I sympathise with your situation. Feeling like you're the only thing keeping your brothers falling in with bad people must be difficult.
What's your support system like? Does your dad live nearby? What about extended family? Do you know anyone who could look out for them while you're gone? Anyone safe at their school(s) that they trust?
my dad lives 15 mine car ride away, visits slightly irregularly like 3x a week then once every 2 weeks, but hes not responsible. he tells us things and my siblings dont really listen and my mum hates him. no extended family apart from aunt who sees us once every few years. nobody can look out for them tbh, one of them is year 11 in sept and is doing really well in school and i dont think he will get influenced but you never know; he went to the school i went to and its decent/**** and the teachers are good though.
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Vapordave
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(Original post by Anonymous)
my dad lives 15 mine car ride away, visits slightly irregularly like 3x a week then once every 2 weeks, but hes not responsible. he tells us things and my siblings dont really listen and my mum hates him. no extended family apart from aunt who sees us once every few years. nobody can look out for them tbh, one of them is year 11 in sept and is doing really well in school and i dont think he will get influenced but you never know; he went to the school i went to and its decent/**** and the teachers are good though.
I think the older(?) brother will be fine if you check up on him every once in a while. Is he close with the other one?
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marple
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(Original post by Anonymous)
my dad lives 15 mine car ride away, visits slightly irregularly like 3x a week then once every 2 weeks, but hes not responsible. he tells us things and my siblings dont really listen and my mum hates him. no extended family apart from aunt who sees us once every few years. nobody can look out for them tbh, one of them is year 11 in sept and is doing really well in school and i dont think he will get influenced but you never know; he went to the school i went to and its decent/**** and the teachers are good though.
As others have said, you really need to prioritise university. You are obviously very involved with your family which is great, but you are not the parent and you can still be an influential role model if you move away. Assuming you go home during the holidays you will be there for over a third of the year anyway. You can maintain regular contact with your siblings and if one of your brothers is in year 11 he will be in a position to keep an eye on your youngest sibling.
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plinny20
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sounds like living and studying at home will be hard for you re space and quiet. Look carefully at your finances. Look carefully at the courses of your low ranking local unis- have you been to them? really looked at the courses- drilled down into the modules? sometimes in the end employers do not choose on the uni these days. Some employment systems take all that out. It is what you can do and work experience.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by plinny20)
sounds like living and studying at home will be hard for you re space and quiet. Look carefully at your finances. Look carefully at the courses of your low ranking local unis- have you been to them? really looked at the courses- drilled down into the modules? sometimes in the end employers do not choose on the uni these days. Some employment systems take all that out. It is what you can do and work experience.
so if i really work hard at the low rank uni and get work experience i can be at no disadvantage?

my course is compsci with maths
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by marple)
As others have said, you really need to prioritise university. You are obviously very involved with your family which is great, but you are not the parent and you can still be an influential role model if you move away. Assuming you go home during the holidays you will be there for over a third of the year anyway. You can maintain regular contact with your siblings and if one of your brothers is in year 11 he will be in a position to keep an eye on your youngest sibling.
yeah i guess, i'll lean towards my options initially but theres a chance i give in and stay because i care about my brothers a lot
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ReadingMum
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It is great that you care about them but you aren't their parent. Surely being a great role model - working hard and getting a place at a good uni that gets you out of where you currently live - gives them hope of something better. If you settle for being home then they will assume that is all there is.
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plinny20
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The uni can be lower ranking but a dept. can be higher. Some places can be more academic research orientated and some more practical. It depends what you are interested in. Difficult with Covid but have you visited any of the places you are considering. You have a great future ahead of you and you must not look back and feel bitter if you stay at home for the best reasons of love for your family. 3 years at Uni will go and then you can't think now I must work in the area I live cos of family. You might set a better example spreading your wings and going. You need to feel excited about your studies and opportunities and seize the chances. Wherever you go get the best marks you can and use the support networks in the uni to support you and your circumstances. Whatever you do - keep looking at jobs -and imagine applying that way it makes you think of your CV and what employers are looking for.
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Anonymous #2
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You’re going to be trapped in the cycle if you don’t get out and you’ll regret it in a few years time. If you can get into a top 20 university then you’re set. People say university doesn’t matter but it does, it also gives you a chance to network.

My advice is, is to just go even if she says no, your brothers are not your responsibility and it’ll motivate them even more to do well if they see you get into a top university. Just regularly keep in contact with them, it’s not the 1900s where people had to write letters, we have devices to contact one and other.
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londonmyst
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Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
You will probably be able to video call your brothers most evenings and arrange to meetup with them close to your uni or student accomodation.

I think that your mother is being unreasonable towards you and very unsupportive of your efforts to build the best possible future for yourself.
You are probably already a role model to your brother who will be starting y11 this september.
But your role is not to parent or disclipline any of your siblings.
Nor are you expected to see your brothers more often than their ancestors with parental responsibility do.
Good luck!
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Anonymous #3
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It's your choice, you can leave your family and go university which might open a few more job options but you could lose your family or you could go to a closer university staying at home. My brother left us just to go university, my parents and me brought him up did everything for him and everything then he just dumped us to go university when he could have gone somewhere near to home. He left us to go hours away, I won't forgive him for that and I've not spoken to him since. I am looking at moving out but not for university and it will be a small house or flat near the family home it will be max half an hour. I would never abandon my family
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Anonymous #4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It's your choice, you can leave your family and go university which might open a few more job options but you could lose your family or you could go to a closer university staying at home. My brother left us just to go university, my parents and me brought him up did everything for him and everything then he just dumped us to go university when he could have gone somewhere near to home. He left us to go hours away, I won't forgive him for that and I've not spoken to him since. I am looking at moving out but not for university and it will be a small house or flat near the family home it will be max half an hour. I would never abandon my family
Sorry to hear that.
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Trinity12345
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Hi! I've just seen this message, and personally, I can't think of a better way to be a great father figure than to be a role model by following your passion, experiencing new things and making your own choice to go to a great uni. By doing that, you are setting such a good example to your brothers - your family will be proud
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Anonymous #5
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(Original post by ReadingMum)
It is great that you care about them but you aren't their parent. Surely being a great role model - working hard and getting a place at a good uni that gets you out of where you currently live - gives them hope of something better. If you settle for being home then they will assume that is all there is.
This👆
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