Feminine man, but completely straight? Androgynous struggles.

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Anonymous #1
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Basically, every woman I know is attracted to pretty masculine figures, with a taller stature and other masculine features such as broad shoulders and a defined jawline. As for me, I'm pretty androgynous, on the shorter side for men and personality-wise, I'm pretty frail and I'm really not a masculine person. I don't frequent the gym, don't like the conventional masculine sports like football, don't have a ton of confidence. I know that not doing these things isn't exactly going to make me any less masculine, but I don't exactly have the drive unlike the rest of my friends. I have an issue with the fact I'm pretty androgynous, because I really can't tell if I'm actually good looking or the opposite, I can have a pretty clear cut opinion on anyone else aside from myself. I have no problem making friends with anyone, male or female, but I do have an issue with going beyond just friends. I couldn't say that I have any 'best friends' and I've been single for quite a while, even though I have a lot of friends, not a lot of them seem comfortable talking to me one on one. I can be very awkward, but I usually just take it in stride and roll with it anyways. I can definitely tell when someone doesn't want to talk to me, but I've never seen or heard anyone say a single bad thing about me unless it's a joke. I'm someone everyone knows and likes, but no one wants to talk to one on one

I have no sort of dysphoria at all either. In fact I'm fairly confident with my body, I am pretty slim and have a nicely shaped body. It's not a masculine body, I'm not tall or anything, my muscles aren't bulging. If I was a woman, it would be pretty impressive. But as a man it's probably not the most attractive thing to a woman. I'm happy with my own body, its just would anyone else be is the only real weighing thought.

I've always struggled with women for quite a while, though you would think it's the other way around with me being quite feminine. When one of my groups of friends were playing a drinking game and we had to rank who was the most funny to the least funny, pretty much all of the women said I was the least funny, but literally all of the men said I was the most funny. I don't get where this gap is coming from really. Maybe I don't treat women as offensively than men, but if we decide to play some party games and they say that anyone can say whatever, usually I'd end up coming out with something that the women would get angered by, even though they say anything is alright. So I'm forced to cover up any sort of joke that people might be adverse to.

If I message any woman, I feel pretty disgusted after a while. I feel like I'm harassing them because I have to do all the work. It feels they are just responding to anything I put forward. I usually just wait a week or so if I feel like they aren't engaging in a decent conversation and if they don't respond, I just leave them assuming that they don't want to talk to me voluntarily. I see a lot of my male friends, the more masculine type, just kinda brute forcing it. From my perspective its seems pretty creepy honestly, as if they are just ignoring any sort of hints. But sometimes it just works, and I have no idea how. I can't tell if it's just an attraction thing or not.

I'm not sure I have any sort of chance in a relationship. I can't tell from a woman's perspective if not being masculine is a massive detriment, and obviously asking my friends is a bit of a social suicide. You could say that 'there is a woman out there' but that's not exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a more general opinion.

Is it worth trying to change myself to be more masculine or is it worth complimenting my own more feminine features.
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Wired_1800
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Consider Officer Training:

https://www.army.mod.uk/who-we-are/o...icer-training/
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Wired_1800)
Consider Officer Training:

https://www.army.mod.uk/who-we-are/o...icer-training/
Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm taking a pretty busy academic route. I'm hoping to go into medicine. Would I be too busy during my uni years?
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Wired_1800
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm taking a pretty busy academic route. I'm hoping to go into medicine. Would I be too busy during my uni years?
Medicine is a pretty busy subject, yes. Then you can go for UOTC as part of your Uni
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SlaveofAll
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I feel you. Such traits you have need not be exclusive to the female sex, given that each woman has an individual set of traits. I for one has no interest in self-destructive activities, which some circles in public opinion seem to expect the male sex to do.
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Anonymous #1
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That's probably a more logical way to think of it. Instead of identifying myself as feminine, it is pretty ridiculous to classify traits as feminine or masculine to begin with because it depends on the individual.

Then again, you can't really change physical attraction. A woman is attracted to masculine traits inherently and a man is attracted to feminine traits. Obviously there are clear exceptions but this is talking about the majority.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
When one of my groups of friends were playing a drinking game and we had to rank who was the most funny to the least funny, pretty much all of the women said I was the least funny, but literally all of the men said I was the most funny ... if we decide to play some party games and they say that anyone can say whatever, usually I'd end up coming out with something that the women would get angered by, even though they say anything is alright. So I'm forced to cover up any sort of joke that people might be adverse to.
I'm a woman and I personally prefer more feminine/androgynous men than masculine men. It's also nice to see a man who's confident in themselves and who undertands when someone wants to continue talking or not.

This paragraph stood out to me the most tho tbh. Could it be that your jokes are bordeline mysogynistic? What kind of things have you said that have angered the women you know?
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BIPOLAR-1876
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Your description of your looks reminded me of my crush. I'm madly in love and obssessed with a man who is very slim, on the short side, with fair hair and skin. He also has a feminine face and voice. I find him very attractive, hot and sexy.
I was never attracted to masculine men. Never
Last edited by BIPOLAR-1876; 1 month ago
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gtty123
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I can somewhat relate to you, ngl. I'm a heterosexual male, and have quite feminine features. It's annoying - I can't lie to you. My advice to you (one which I strongly believe in) - don't change yourself for anyone. If you want to go to the gym, for example, go for yourself, not because society deems it necessary in order for you to be seen as an alpha male. If you want to be in touch with your feminine side, go for it. Literally, the only thing that you'll be criticised on is changing for others - why bother? Be yourself and you'll find happiness that way.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by BIPOLAR-1876)
Your description of your looks reminded me of my crush. I'm madly in love and obssessed with a man who is very slim, on the short side, with fair hair and skin. He also has a feminine face and voice. I find him very attractive, hot and sexy.
I was never attracted to masculine men. Never
Really quite late but unfortunately I haven't met any girls who are like that. Still hoping for a change in uni haha. I find it quite weird because I know a lot of bi girls, but none of them are interested in feminine men. I find tomboys really attractive for the most part, so its hard for me to completely understand the other way around. I will say though despite looking really feminine I do have a pretty deep voice which is one thing. I guess at this point, if you are attracted to feminine traits as a woman, its more likely that you would just look for a relationship with another woman. Hopefully I can find someone as accepting as you.
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Moonlight Rain
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I'm a girl and I'm really attracted to guys who act feminine
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm a woman and I personally prefer more feminine/androgynous men than masculine men. It's also nice to see a man who's confident in themselves and who undertands when someone wants to continue talking or not.

This paragraph stood out to me the most tho tbh. Could it be that your jokes are bordeline mysogynistic? What kind of things have you said that have angered the women you know?
It's not that my jokes were borderline mysogynistic at all, i'm pretty opinionated on that matter. As a person I really do not like to objectify people based on appearance or gender, which is probably a good reason I have a solid amount of friends. I treat women like I treat men and I don't really take any ******** just because someone is a certain gender or not. Fortunately most women I've gotten to know are pretty chill and don't cause too much drama, or don't involve me with it. The scenario where I ended up offending someone is where we were playing a party game, something like quiplash or cards against humanity. I was probably quite insensitive towards one of the girls in my group, because at the start of the game she said something along the lines of 'not holding anything back', and she certainly wasn't with others. And if one person gets offended, others girls would be more likely to take their side than mine. That's where the game starts to not be fun anymore, if I play with my male friends we would just laugh it off completely and enjoy ourselves. I guess that's more of an attitude issue at that point, but I'm not exactly a fan of giving others special treatment.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by gtty123)
I can somewhat relate to you, ngl. I'm a heterosexual male, and have quite feminine features. It's annoying - I can't lie to you. My advice to you (one which I strongly believe in) - don't change yourself for anyone. If you want to go to the gym, for example, go for yourself, not because society deems it necessary in order for you to be seen as an alpha male. If you want to be in touch with your feminine side, go for it. Literally, the only thing that you'll be criticised on is changing for others - why bother? Be yourself and you'll find happiness that way.
Yeah I basically live by that advice. While its annoying to find a relationship, I'm completely happy with myself, my body and personality. After dwelling on it for quite a while, I feel like I don't really think about gender that often. I don't really show signs of masculinity, but that doesn't automatically make me feminine either. I'm fortunate enough to have good connections with others and have rarely been judged for being not conventionally masculine. It's more likely that I completely distance myself from masculinity as a man, and don't show any traits of masculinity or femininity. Great for making friends apparently, but bad for forming deeper connections.
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