Boyfriend is obsessed with saving money

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Student1569
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I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and have watched him become more and more obsessed with saving money.I know that the reason he does this is partly down to the fact his mum is the same, and always pressured him to save every penny whilst he was a child, but he now has over 20k in savings at the age of 21, and it’s beginning to cause numerous arguments between us.I am a student with a part time job whilst he works full time, therefore I don’t have loads and loads of money but it is always me trying to take us out to do stuff and offering to pay for it all.The other day he actually offered to take us out for dinner (something he hasn’t done for about 3 years) but he was stressed the whole time we were there, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I could tell the £60 bill bothered him a lot, which then made me feel bad. Normally when we go out to eat there always has to be some kind of voucher/deal involved, and this time there wasn’t so maybe that’s why? He says he is saving up to move out with me, but from what I can tell from other people he has more than enough to do this. I just get annoyed because he has a go at me for how I spend my money on myself and tells me I waste money (going out/clothes/shoes etc) but is then happy to let me pay when we go out for the day, which is more or less every time we do go out as it’s the only way I can get us to do anything together as a couple. The thing that annoys me the most however, is when he goes out with his friends he will happily spend money to the point he brags about how much he spends to me? One last point is that over the last year or so we had been saving cash in a tin that couldn’t be opened straight away, and were going to use it to pay for a holiday this year. I have put several hundred pounds in there which I now need to pay for the holiday (we are going with my parents, therefore I owe the money to them) however he was making excuses to try and keep the money for himself ?! I don’t understand why someone who has plenty of money now thinks they are entitled to mine? Someone please tell me is any of this behaviour normal? It’s got to the point where I’m ready to finish the relationship, but I love him and am not sure if I myself am just being unreasonable?
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shooonthebeat
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let him do him, his money ain't yours unless he's sharing.
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Scotney
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(Original post by Student1569)
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and have watched him become more and more obsessed with saving money.I know that the reason he does this is partly down to the fact his mum is the same, and always pressured him to save every penny whilst he was a child, but he now has over 20k in savings at the age of 21, and it’s beginning to cause numerous arguments between us.I am a student with a part time job whilst he works full time, therefore I don’t have loads and loads of money but it is always me trying to take us out to do stuff and offering to pay for it all.The other day he actually offered to take us out for dinner (something he hasn’t done for about 3 years) but he was stressed the whole time we were there, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I could tell the £60 bill bothered him a lot, which then made me feel bad. Normally when we go out to eat there always has to be some kind of voucher/deal involved, and this time there wasn’t so maybe that’s why? He says he is saving up to move out with me, but from what I can tell from other people he has more than enough to do this. I just get annoyed because he has a go at me for how I spend my money on myself and tells me I waste money (going out/clothes/shoes etc) but is then happy to let me pay when we go out for the day, which is more or less every time we do go out as it’s the only way I can get us to do anything together as a couple. The thing that annoys me the most however, is when he goes out with his friends he will happily spend money to the point he brags about how much he spends to me? One last point is that over the last year or so we had been saving cash in a tin that couldn’t be opened straight away, and were going to use it to pay for a holiday this year. I have put several hundred pounds in there which I now need to pay for the holiday (we are going with my parents, therefore I owe the money to them) however he was making excuses to try and keep the money for himself ?! I don’t understand why someone who has plenty of money now thinks they are entitled to mine? Someone please tell me is any of this behaviour normal? It’s got to the point where I’m ready to finish the relationship, but I love him and am not sure if I myself am just being unreasonable?
I am sorry there are so many red flags here you are in danger of being blown away!I would Break open the tin today and take what is yours.Pay your parents and go on the holiday without him. I would also stop paying for days/meals out unless he is paying half.
It is one thing being sensible with money but this is about control ,not money.The guy puts you down,tells you how to spend your money,and makes you feel guilty if he spends money on you while happily poncing off you most of the time.What exactly do you love about someone who treats you this way.
This behaviour will not get better it will only get worse.Can you imagine wasting your life with a man with this attitude.I know it is hard but listen to your instincts they are correct.
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Crazy Jamie
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There are two problems here.

The first is your respective view as to finances. This is an often overlooked but incredibly important part of a relationship, particular as you start to move into that phase of your lives where you're both working and looking towards increasingly significant purchases such as a house, and then more optional purchases that can nevertheless become more expensive such as a wedding, holidays and cars. Your respective approaches to managing money do not have to be and almost certainly will not be entirely aligned, but you do need to have a level of broad agreement on it, and if you are significantly apart on managing money that can and likely will put significant strain on your relationship. There is clearly a significant difference now, though there is a decent chance that the gap could close in that regard. I say that because you're both still young, you currently work part time, and you actually do save yourself to some degree now. So as you get a little older and potentially move into full time work, you may find yourself prioritising saving a bit more, and your attitude in that regard could start to align more with his. It's also worth saying that whilst he prioritises saving, he will also spend money, such as on his nights out. So there's more reason than one to think that your attitudes to saving could become more consistent with one another.

However, the second problem is him spending money on nights out but not on you, and on trying to access your own savings. It suggests to me that his priorities are wrong. I wouldn't necessarily criticise him for prioritising saving. On the face of it the approach is very sensible, providing it doesn't become obsessive. But it isn't obsessive; he doesn't save at all costs and does spend money. The issue is that he doesn't seem willing to spend money on you, and is almost seeing you and your relationship as a mechanism to help him save money, whilst time with his friends is when he can spend it. That is not the right approach. He doesn't need to necessarily change his approach to saving, but he does need to give more of a priority to you and your relationship.

The key to this, as with almost everything, is communication. This is obviously bothering you significantly if you're ready to end the relationship, so you need to urgently talk to him about this. Not to have it out with him where you're just arguing. You need to discuss this calmly and maturely, so that he can fully understand your feelings and the issues that his behaviour has caused. And you need to find an agreement to move forwards. If you can't, or his behaviour doesn't change, it may well be time to end things. But I wouldn't necessarily do it right now. Many couples have issues like this and you need to make sure you've taken steps to resolve it before you break up with someone that you love.
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Rakas21
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(Original post by Student1569)
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and have watched him become more and more obsessed with saving money.I know that the reason he does this is partly down to the fact his mum is the same, and always pressured him to save every penny whilst he was a child, but he now has over 20k in savings at the age of 21, and it’s beginning to cause numerous arguments between us.I am a student with a part time job whilst he works full time, therefore I don’t have loads and loads of money but it is always me trying to take us out to do stuff and offering to pay for it all.The other day he actually offered to take us out for dinner (something he hasn’t done for about 3 years) but he was stressed the whole time we were there, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I could tell the £60 bill bothered him a lot, which then made me feel bad. Normally when we go out to eat there always has to be some kind of voucher/deal involved, and this time there wasn’t so maybe that’s why? He says he is saving up to move out with me, but from what I can tell from other people he has more than enough to do this. I just get annoyed because he has a go at me for how I spend my money on myself and tells me I waste money (going out/clothes/shoes etc) but is then happy to let me pay when we go out for the day, which is more or less every time we do go out as it’s the only way I can get us to do anything together as a couple. The thing that annoys me the most however, is when he goes out with his friends he will happily spend money to the point he brags about how much he spends to me? One last point is that over the last year or so we had been saving cash in a tin that couldn’t be opened straight away, and were going to use it to pay for a holiday this year. I have put several hundred pounds in there which I now need to pay for the holiday (we are going with my parents, therefore I owe the money to them) however he was making excuses to try and keep the money for himself ?! I don’t understand why someone who has plenty of money now thinks they are entitled to mine? Someone please tell me is any of this behaviour normal? It’s got to the point where I’m ready to finish the relationship, but I love him and am not sure if I myself am just being unreasonable?
While i'm normally quite harsh in my appraisal of things in the relationship section (largely because most issues are inane or obvious or the result of people just being unwilling to be direct) actually in this case i think you can work through these issues.

The fact that your boyfriend wanted to take you to a relatively expensive resturant (even if uncomfortable when there) says a lot (namely that he thinks your worth treating) and it seems his issues come from his attitude towards excessive spending (or what he sees as excessive) vs your more care free attitude. Now this in itself is not a bad thing for either of you and he's clearly willing to spend money on you so i don't think the gulf in motivation is as large as you think, he is simply struggling to balance his inbuilt restraint with his emotional desire to make you happy.

On the savings side i would assume that he is trying to buy with you rather than rent. That means the higher the deposit the better.

On control of your money that's a greyer area. While he has no right per se to that money, if you have been saving for a different purpose he may feel that its an unsessary expense or an issue of priorities, its not abnormal to want somebody to have a similar attitude to finances as your own. This is just something that you will have to discuss and work out.

As ever communication is the answer here and a lack of it the cause of your ills, you need to be direct in your issues. I do however for once here think that your boyfriend probably does deserve a chance to loosen up a little.
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Oxford Mum
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This can get very depressing if a man is constantly mean with money. It can affect their whole personality and can sometimes be embarrassing for you in social situations.

Such habits can last a lifetime so you need a make or break conversation with him.
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lxsl.ey
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(Original post by Student1569)
I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and have watched him become more and more obsessed with saving money.I know that the reason he does this is partly down to the fact his mum is the same, and always pressured him to save every penny whilst he was a child, but he now has over 20k in savings at the age of 21, and it’s beginning to cause numerous arguments between us.I am a student with a part time job whilst he works full time, therefore I don’t have loads and loads of money but it is always me trying to take us out to do stuff and offering to pay for it all.The other day he actually offered to take us out for dinner (something he hasn’t done for about 3 years) but he was stressed the whole time we were there, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I could tell the £60 bill bothered him a lot, which then made me feel bad. Normally when we go out to eat there always has to be some kind of voucher/deal involved, and this time there wasn’t so maybe that’s why? He says he is saving up to move out with me, but from what I can tell from other people he has more than enough to do this. I just get annoyed because he has a go at me for how I spend my money on myself and tells me I waste money (going out/clothes/shoes etc) but is then happy to let me pay when we go out for the day, which is more or less every time we do go out as it’s the only way I can get us to do anything together as a couple. The thing that annoys me the most however, is when he goes out with his friends he will happily spend money to the point he brags about how much he spends to me? One last point is that over the last year or so we had been saving cash in a tin that couldn’t be opened straight away, and were going to use it to pay for a holiday this year. I have put several hundred pounds in there which I now need to pay for the holiday (we are going with my parents, therefore I owe the money to them) however he was making excuses to try and keep the money for himself ?! I don’t understand why someone who has plenty of money now thinks they are entitled to mine? Someone please tell me is any of this behaviour normal? It’s got to the point where I’m ready to finish the relationship, but I love him and am not sure if I myself am just being unreasonable?
let him save - times is hard.
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