markova21
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I love my 24 year old son. It's just the two of us. I try and be a good mum and have more or less devoted every day of those twenty four and a half years to doing all I can for him. I badly twisted my knee the other day so it would have been very painful for me to walk to the local shop ( about 10 minutes walk) for bread and milk and we had none in. I asked my son when he got home, if he would go for me to the shop. He said he works 40 hours a week and I don't work at all, yet I expect him to go to the shops for me when he gets home from work. I told him I would go myself other than my knee was so sore. There are occasions when I do not like leaving the house, and sometimes he messages me as he is coming out of work, asking me if I want or need anything from the supermarket on his way home. This is handy, as he is already in town, and there is a wider selection than there is at the local shop. But he gave off to me about it. Said how will I cope on my own, sore knee or not, if he goes away in a few years time? (We never argue. Ever. Both of us are fairly laid back and easy going.) As he works and I don't I feel I need to do my bit or pull my weight I guess. I wash, dry and iron his clothes, make the evening dinner, set my alarm for 7 am so I can switch the immersion heater on for him so there is hot water for his shower when he gets up a bit later. A few days ago, he asked me to wash his favourite shirt for him for next day. This was at 10.45 at night. I had taken my night time meds already and they were making me drowsy. So, I washed his shirt, as well as other things and dried them. ( I wasn't going to just switch the machine on for his one item). Everything was washed and dried by 3.30am. I then ironed his shirt, put it out for him outside his room on a coat hanger hanging on his door as I always do, and went to bed. My alarm went off at 7 and I went downstairs again to switch on the Immersion heater for him. I was exhausted. This isn't all the time, but it can be often enough. Certainly, the getting up at seven so he can stay in bed an hour later is a long term thing. He occasionally irons his own things, and thankfully now wakes himself up each morning and has done for a good few years. Sometimes I wish he would move out. I have become resentful of all I do for him ( as well as lending him money on a monthly basis as his salary never lasts). As I said he works 40 hours a week in a pharmacy, and I am effectively in the house, sitting on my backside every day. He never does any housework, washes the dishes or anything. I do it all. I'm 53 and I have been his sole parent for most of his life. He has a girlfriend now, his first. He spent last night and tonight there. Often sleeps over at hers, ( she has 2 young kids), but as he left the house last night I wanted to shout after him, " Why don't you ask your girlfriend if you can move in with her and the kids?" I even found myself Googling flat shares in our area that he could maybe get. It's all mainly down to the fact he works and I don't. Am I in the wrong? What do people think? Thanks.
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Son of the Sea
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He sounds like a bit of a spoilt brat and you are definitely not in the wrong. Going to the shops for bread and milk is nothing compared to what you do for him!
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markova21
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I think the main issue I have is that I have been doing it all for the last twenty four and a half years. People get less for committing murder !
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TFEU
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This whole relationship dynamic sounds really strange to me. I don’t want to come across as too judgmental, but he needs to grow up.

He is 24. You absolutely do not need to wash, iron and cook for him. Making you wash his clothes at 10:45pm? Complaining about helping his own mother with the groceries? He’s questioning how you will cope without him, but he should really think about how he’ll cope without you.

I get that he works, but you are his mother. You don’t need to work to demand a little respect and help from your son. Unlike a romantic relationship, don’t need to make equal contributions to a household or ‘pull your weight’. You raised him.
Last edited by TFEU; 1 month ago
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Wise Goldie
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(Original post by Son of the Sea)
He sounds like a bit of a spoilt brat and you are definitely not in the wrong. Going to the shops for bread and milk is nothing compared to what you do for him!
strict celtic strikes again
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Reality Check
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(Original post by markova21)
I love my 24 year old son. It's just the two of us. I try and be a good mum and have more or less devoted every day of those twenty four and a half years to doing all I can for him. I badly twisted my knee the other day so it would have been very painful for me to walk to the local shop ( about 10 minutes walk) for bread and milk and we had none in. I asked my son when he got home, if he would go for me to the shop. He said he works 40 hours a week and I don't work at all, yet I expect him to go to the shops for me when he gets home from work. I told him I would go myself other than my knee was so sore. There are occasions when I do not like leaving the house, and sometimes he messages me as he is coming out of work, asking me if I want or need anything from the supermarket on his way home. This is handy, as he is already in town, and there is a wider selection than there is at the local shop. But he gave off to me about it. Said how will I cope on my own, sore knee or not, if he goes away in a few years time? (We never argue. Ever. Both of us are fairly laid back and easy going.) As he works and I don't I feel I need to do my bit or pull my weight I guess. I wash, dry and iron his clothes, make the evening dinner, set my alarm for 7 am so I can switch the immersion heater on for him so there is hot water for his shower when he gets up a bit later. A few days ago, he asked me to wash his favourite shirt for him for next day. This was at 10.45 at night. I had taken my night time meds already and they were making me drowsy. So, I washed his shirt, as well as other things and dried them. ( I wasn't going to just switch the machine on for his one item). Everything was washed and dried by 3.30am. I then ironed his shirt, put it out for him outside his room on a coat hanger hanging on his door as I always do, and went to bed. My alarm went off at 7 and I went downstairs again to switch on the Immersion heater for him. I was exhausted. This isn't all the time, but it can be often enough. Certainly, the getting up at seven so he can stay in bed an hour later is a long term thing. He occasionally irons his own things, and thankfully now wakes himself up each morning and has done for a good few years. Sometimes I wish he would move out. I have become resentful of all I do for him ( as well as lending him money on a monthly basis as his salary never lasts). As I said he works 40 hours a week in a pharmacy, and I am effectively in the house, sitting on my backside every day. He never does any housework, washes the dishes or anything. I do it all. I'm 53 and I have been his sole parent for most of his life. He has a girlfriend now, his first. He spent last night and tonight there. Often sleeps over at hers, ( she has 2 young kids), but as he left the house last night I wanted to shout after him, " Why don't you ask your girlfriend if you can move in with her and the kids?" I even found myself Googling flat shares in our area that he could maybe get. It's all mainly down to the fact he works and I don't. Am I in the wrong? What do people think? Thanks.
Lovely Markova,

We've known each other for a long time. I cannot think of a single occasion where you haven't come across as a dutiful, loving mum who clearly only wants the best for her son. You've always been there for him, and like this shirt incident, have consistently done stuff that you might not have wanted to do, but know that he would appreciate (even if he didn't show it). I am 100% certain that you are not in the wrong here one little bit. It's a testament to your love and concern for your son that you would even think that you might be!

What you're experiencing at the moment actually sounds pretty healthy and reasonable. In the end, he's an adult with a full-time job. This new gf might be the ideal way for him to move out, or at least think about gaining some independence in his living arrangements - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's the natural course of events. You've done your work for him - and some, and it's not unreasonable to want a bit of free time to concentrate on you, and only you, rather than have to think about your adult son's needs all the time. Equally, I'm sure he knows that you would always be there for him if the you-know-what hit the fan.

Let's hope his relationship with this woman blossoms, and perhaps he does move in with her. Your relationship with him can then move into the next phase of adult son-mother, and much of the friction and resentment you feel will naturally dissipate. But please don't blame yourself for anything - you've always sounded like a fantastic mother!
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markova21
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(Original post by Reality Check)
Lovely Markova,

We've known each other for a long time. I cannot think of a single occasion where you haven't come across as a dutiful, loving mum who clearly only wants the best for her son. You've always been there for him, and like this shirt incident, have consistently done stuff that you might not have wanted to do, but know that he would appreciate (even if he didn't show it). I am 100% certain that you are not in the wrong here one little bit. It's a testament to your love and concern for your son that you would even think that you might be!

What you're experiencing at the moment actually sounds pretty healthy and reasonable. In the end, he's an adult with a full-time job. This new gf might be the ideal way for him to move out, or at least think about gaining some independence in his living arrangements - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's the natural course of events. You've done your work for him - and some, and it's not unreasonable to want a bit of free time to concentrate on you, and only you, rather than have to think about your adult son's needs all the time. Equally, I'm sure he knows that you would always be there for him if the you-know-what hit the fan.

Let's hope his relationship with this woman blossoms, and perhaps he does move in with her. Your relationship with him can then move into the next phase of adult son-mother, and much of the friction and resentment you feel will naturally dissipate. But please don't blame yourself for anything - you've always sounded like a fantastic mother!
Gosh, thank you so much !
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Little pecker
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I’m gonna be honest I don’t agree with your view here at all.

but the best thing either way seems for him to move out as he’s obviously frustrated and will hopefully feel less of the burden if he’s worrying about himself solely. Your relationship with him will probably get better as well if you stop seeing the parts you hate about each other (you helping him and his frustrations)

That’s obviously only applicable if you can support yourself.
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It's****ingWOODY
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I totally get the whole "he works, I don't, I'll be a house-parent" thing, but he's taking the piss asking you to do things like wash his clothes just as you're getting ready for bed. He's going to have to learn to do these things himself if he's going to be moving out at some point, and if you're doing things for him then he should at least be respectful about your sleep routine.
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markova21
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(Original post by Little pecker)
I’m gonna be honest I don’t agree with your view here at all.

but the best thing either way seems for him to move out as he’s obviously frustrated and will hopefully feel less of the burden if he’s worrying about himself solely. Your relationship with him will probably get better as well if you stop seeing the parts you hate about each other (you helping him and his frustrations)

That’s obviously only applicable if you can support yourself.
Hi. Can I ask you why and what you don't agree with? Thanks.
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