social anxiety, depression and friends

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taranmistry
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Hi, when I'm around people i struggle making a conversation and i cant think of questions to ask them or join in a conversation. I just don't know why?
i have friends but we only talk over text messages only if i send first. i ask them if they wanna go out sometime but they always seem to be busy or i just cant find friends that would go out for a drink with me. what should i do?
i haven't been out much except from work. i always wanted to but i have no-one to go with. what can i do to make friends?

I'm starting uni this September and i am scared that none is going to talk to me and i will just end up staying at my room all day like i am currently. I'm scared of randomly approaching people to ask a question and in a group i just sit there unable to join in.

i need help, i don't wanna talk to my parents because i know they will tell my whole family, this would be bad because i don't like everyone talking bad about me, i struggle with emotions.
what should i do it getting worse?
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Dreyver
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I'm in a similar situation to you, only I want to start uni next year and I can have conversations with people its just I usually end up talking a load of trollop that no one else is interested in. Have a look on the NHS website at social anxiety/depression etc. They can have useful guidance on there. You may wish to speak to your GP or a mental health specialist. Try telling a trusted friend if you can as this really helps you feel understood by someone and they may be able to help you too. I feel exactly the same, joining university with the fear of nit talking to anyone is really scary. When I joined sixth form I didn't talk to anyone for about a week or so and I found it really overwhelming. Hopefully people will be there to support you and I'm sure there will be some support at your university as well. I would really recommend making the most of a conversation when you can. If someone asks you a question just ask them one back and try to get talking. I completely understand how hard it is, you just have to put the effort in and face your fears sometimes to make your way to where you want to be.
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urlocalinmate
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Failure to start or join in conversations is out of fear, usually because of judgement.

I'm in the same situation regarding friends, only hung out twice since September 2020... Made no friends in my first year of College.

Don't tell your parents, I ended up telling my parents, mum doesn't understand me and dad was screaming at my face...

I can't give help since I'm basically in the same situation, sorry.
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Nobody2u
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(Original post by taranmistry)
Hi, when I'm around people i struggle making a conversation and i cant think of questions to ask them or join in a conversation. I just don't know why?
i have friends but we only talk over text messages only if i send first. i ask them if they wanna go out sometime but they always seem to be busy or i just cant find friends that would go out for a drink with me. what should i do?
i haven't been out much except from work. i always wanted to but i have no-one to go with. what can i do to make friends?

I'm starting uni this September and i am scared that none is going to talk to me and i will just end up staying at my room all day like i am currently. I'm scared of randomly approaching people to ask a question and in a group i just sit there unable to join in.

i need help, i don't wanna talk to my parents because i know they will tell my whole family, this would be bad because i don't like everyone talking bad about me, i struggle with emotions.
what should i do it getting worse?
Most people don't like being in a room full of people they don't know. It's difficult to know who to approach first and what to say. Noone likes rejection. But moving into Uni halls is an ideal way of making friends. You don't have to start up complicated conversations. The day you move in, you pop your head round the door of a flatmate or two and say you've put the kettle on, would they like a coffee ( or tea). Just make sure you have the necessary to make it! Dealing with people in small groups is a lot easy than feeling like a wallflower in a crowded environment.
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rosie_j2004
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(Original post by taranmistry)
Hi, when I'm around people i struggle making a conversation and i cant think of questions to ask them or join in a conversation. I just don't know why?
i have friends but we only talk over text messages only if i send first. i ask them if they wanna go out sometime but they always seem to be busy or i just cant find friends that would go out for a drink with me. what should i do?
i haven't been out much except from work. i always wanted to but i have no-one to go with. what can i do to make friends?

I'm starting uni this September and i am scared that none is going to talk to me and i will just end up staying at my room all day like i am currently. I'm scared of randomly approaching people to ask a question and in a group i just sit there unable to join in.

i need help, i don't wanna talk to my parents because i know they will tell my whole family, this would be bad because i don't like everyone talking bad about me, i struggle with emotions.
what should i do it getting worse?
I went through exactly this in years 7-11 I just couldn't communicate to teachers or join in on conversations with other groups of people other than my friends and it's ok now I learned to overcome this is by speaking to my friends for advice and also by talking to 3 different people a day just my neighbors or some classmates a simple HI! Is a great way of overcoming this and maybe also looking after your physical health can improve your communication because last year I worked hard to look after my body and my mind just taking deep breaths before speaking to people and 30 mins of exercise can boosts your confidence a lot! Just try it out

Secondly, people, who cancel plans with you I suggest that let go of those people who don't deserve a great person like you even though you may be shy to talk to others your friends have to accept the flaws of your first! I suggest that you take a good time to yourself start loving yourself and you will attract better and honestly you WILL get better friends don't worry about those old friends of yours let them GO! It is good for your OWN mental health!

Even though I'm going into year13 next year I may not know so much about university but just build your confidence is the great advice I give you just follow what I said in the 1st paragraph to give yourself a nice boost don't EVER be afraid of judgment because at the end of the day you ask the question will give yourself more confidence and even if it's a stupid question just GO FOR IT! In my Psychology class, I ask the silliest questions our class has a little laugh but at the end of the day your question will be answered and you will feel more confident about learning something and also remember things your teacher says and remembering what your teacher says means you will remember more information, enjoy the subject more! less time taken to revise for your test making it much easier to remember things and also it gives your teacher a much better opinion of you and also your classmates will want to work with you thinking you know a lot it's all a bonus! Just don't be scared everything will get better trust me!
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taranmistry
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great advice thx 👍👍. I will definitely try your "Hi" technique and I also want to start working on myself an gain muscle but don't have the motivation as I'm scared of working out Infront of other people including family, I'm afraid of being judged as too skinny.

how do I start loving myself? how do I make new friends by loving myself?
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Nobody2u
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You don't make new friends by loving yourself, you make friends when you accept yourself as you are. Most people have some feelings of insecurity, especially when starting something like uni. You don't need to be a mass of muscle either,just make sure you eat correctly and limit body fat.
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taranmistry
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I don't get how I can accept myself as who I am? also, I'm slim I'm not looking to build mass of muscle I want to have some muscles.
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Anonymous #1
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i’m going into my third year at uni and i wish i hadve made more effort in first year to make new friends. i made 2 friends and both of them are going on their year abroad while i do my final year so i am going to be very lonely lol. Try to join clubs and societies and when you go into a seminar try to talk to as many people as you can and ask groups of people to go the students union later on. The earlier you ask people the better as you can work out who could be a good friend. you will be fine. good luck
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Nobody2u
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(Original post by taranmistry)
I don't get how I can accept myself as who I am? also, I'm slim I'm not looking to build mass of muscle I want to have some muscles.
You know your strengths and your weeknesses. You know that large crowds make you uneasy. It's not by ' loving' yourself that this will change. I've been to uni, had a high powered job, raised my family, feel good about myself, but still dislike huge parties where I know noone. On the other hand I love meeting up with a handful of friends for lunch or supper, going on outings with 5 or 6 people. If there are one or two newbies then all the better. In a group of this size the introductions are easy but not all the work is on me. When people invite me to huge events, I now have the courage to say that it's not my thing but suggest in the same breath meeting up for lunch/ coffee the week after.
As for gaining muscle, there are loads of YouTube videos on how to tone up etc using equipment like 1.5 litre water bottles rather than investing in expensive equipment and gym membership.
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Nobody2u
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Oh, and by the way, I did go to a big party a couple of weeks ago and after a short while fled to the kitchen where I found someone doing the same thing as me. This person had always seemed to me to be one of the most confident, outgoing people I know. Well she confessed that gatherings such as this made her very uncomfortable and that she just needed to get away. So you know, you're not alone. Even the most unexpected people can experience social anxiety!🤗
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rosie_j2004
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(Original post by taranmistry)
great advice thx 👍👍. I will definitely try your "Hi" technique and I also want to start working on myself an gain muscle but don't have the motivation as I'm scared of working out Infront of other people including family, I'm afraid of being judged as too skinny.

how do I start loving myself? how do I make new friends by loving myself?
Hey! That's great that you are going to try out the Hi technique! Once you get used to that don't stop just there ask people how they're doing and from there just build the conversation never be scared to try something new!

Also, I understand that you are having a lack of motivation but how I motivate myself is by pushing myself really like is it that one piece of clothing you like you want to fit in? Or is it you want to be more confident? You have GOT to find a root cause of WHY you want to have muscles once you have that reason there is NOTHING stopping you! Also if you get tired halfway don't worry it's all about progression I have that too you can try again later on in the day or when you feel stronger if it's the next day just NEVER give up!

About your family...You should tell your family your plans I think you should speak more to them be with them more often personally I feel like when I'm with my mum I learn more from her and we have good chats about life and how she did things when I was her age! TRUST me your parents WON'T judge you about this no need to feel insecure just tell them your going to workout ask them for help, motivation or some tips this can also help IMPROVE your confidence because sometimes if we're alone for too long we can forget how to communicate or react to people we haven't meet I suggest just have some 1 or 2 hour time with your parents even if it's just watching a movie because trust me it can also HELP boost your confidence and motivation!

And about loving yourself I believe that self-love comes from within really you have GOT to accept your flaws and perfections tbh if you have a friend or your talking to a person you have to be quite open about yourself that's one thing that I an introvert struggle with myself but before making friends I say OBSERVE the person how they are with you and you can easily judge if they are the person you want to be around! In my friendship group, I only have 3-6 members really who are my close friends I open up with them a lot tell them my issues make them laugh in my opinion just be open when you feel ready!NEVER change for anyone just be you and do you and trust me someone will love you for that...And please remember to set boundaries too with friends or family LET them know directly what's bothering you or people will never understand and will use you or your family will never know you most so I suggest be open first with family

The rule I use is OBSERVE, REACT and OPEN UP (depending on the situation)

I hope this helped have an AMAZING DAY!
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rosie_j2004
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(Original post by Nobody2u)
Oh, and by the way, I did go to a big party a couple of weeks ago and after a short while fled to the kitchen where I found someone doing the same thing as me. This person had always seemed to me to be one of the most confident, outgoing people I know. Well she confessed that gatherings such as this made her very uncomfortable and that she just needed to get away. So you know, you're not alone. Even the most unexpected people can experience social anxiety!🤗
Same honestly I may seem confident but I also have a bit of social anxiety too no one alone in this! i'm here to help
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