Should I forgive my bf for shoving me

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Anonymous #1
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Two nights ago my boyfriend and I went clubbing together, we ended up in a gay club (this detail becomes relevant later dw) all was going really well and having the best time, we're both very extroverted so were making lots of new friends and dancing with other people. Me being drunk, I kind of lose him for a minute so I just dance with this guy, I'm not sure how long for but it wasn't a full song. It wasn't sexual at all, like I said it's a gay club and I'm pretty sure we were the only straight ones in there, and this guy was very camp.

Apparently, someone said to my boyfriend, what's your girlfriend doing? He looks over at me so I go over to give him a hug, and that was when he shoves me. It wasn't super hard and didn't hurt at all, but enough that someone caught me. I walk out the club in complete shock, he's always been the sweetest person and never shown any signs of aggression in the year we've been together. Me being drunk and emotional, I start crying, we end up calling it a night. He's also crying and apologising constantly. He takes full responsibility for what he did, I reccomended counselling which he agreed to immediately and sent an email to an old counsellor I used to see as she's really good and much cheaper than most. This ordeal's been really upsetting for me because before him I was with an emotionally and physically abusive person, he offered to pay for my therapy too, since I can't talk about this with any of my friends or family.

I want to explain his side quickly so that it's more fair: his ex from a few years ago cheated on him quite a few times and he has trust issues surrounding that stuff, jealousy's been the only real issue we've ever had in an otherwise very strong relationship. Someone asking him what I was doing made him think I was getting off with someone in front of him, he also felt like I was pushing him away and didn't want to dance with him which upset him. He doesn't try to justify what he did, that's just how he explained why he did it. He says that he's never been violent to anyone before which I believe but it upsets me that the only person he's ever been aggressive with is me. I feel like after my previous experience, and just my logical brain is telling me that these things are never isolated incidents and they always escalate into something more serious.

On the other hand, he's aware of his issues and wants to get therapy so he can change for the better. He understands I'm angry and upset at him and it will take some time before I'll be comfortable around him again, he's never blamed me (which my ex did a lot) for what he did, and I genuinely believe he feels awful about it, the morning after was the most upset I have ever seen him. I guess because I can't really talk to anyone in my real life about it, this is why I'm here. Am i doing the right thing staying with him?
Another detail is, we're currently long distance but he's about to move to London which is quite close to me and as I work from home, we were planning on me crashing at his flat a lot (I don't make enough to properly move to london comfortably) I've told him I want to stay long distance while he works on himself. Sorry this is so long, any insight would be really appreciated.
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Final Fantasy
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Just so we're clear, you were shoved in a nightclub?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Final Fantasy)
Just so we're clear, you were shoved in a nightclub?
Yes
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Final Fantasy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes
And just to be crystal clear, you were both drinking?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Final Fantasy)
And just to be crystal clear, you were both drinking?
Yeah we were pretty drunk
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Trinculo
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These threads are just the worst. You'll get the replies you're looking for. Let's just leave it at that.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Trinculo)
These threads are just the worst. You'll get the replies you're looking for. Let's just leave it at that.
What?
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Final Fantasy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah we were pretty drunk
We have established that:

a) You were both at a nightclub.
a) You were both quite drunk.
b) You were shoved at said nightclub.

Based on the above confirmed statements by yourself, my personal opinion is that you need to grow up.
Last edited by Final Fantasy; 1 month ago
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Trinculo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
What?
Which club was this?
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Final Fantasy)
We have established that:

a) You were both at a nightclub.
a) You were both quite drunk.
b) You were shoved at said nightclub.

Based on the above confirmed statements by yourself, my personal opinion is that you need to grow up.
agreed, if you think you need therapy over a drunk shove, you probably need to grow up
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Final Fantasy)
We have established that:

a) You were both at a nightclub.
a) You were both quite drunk.
b) You were shoved at said nightclub.

Based on the above confirmed statements by yourself, my personal opinion is that you need to grow up.
I think you're overlooking the detail that I was shoved by my boyfriend because he was angry at me
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Final Fantasy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think you're overlooking the detail that I was shoved by my boyfriend because he was angry at me
Nope. That's just you projecting onto the actual facts.
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adrianisonline
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think you're overlooking the detail that I was shoved by my boyfriend because he was angry at me
he was drunk
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by adrianisonline)
he was drunk
The two aren't mutually exclusive?
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Trinculo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The two aren't mutually exclusive?
You haven't said which club this was.
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GabiAbi84
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He was drunk plus you said “it wasn’t super hard and it didn’t hurt at all”
Why are you making it into something it’s obviously not?
Last edited by GabiAbi84; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think you're overlooking the detail that I was shoved by my boyfriend because he was angry at me
Dump him violence is never acceptable
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Dell PC 2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Dump him violence is never acceptable
but he was drunk and “it wasn’t that hard and it didn’t hurt”
Last edited by Dell PC 2; 1 month ago
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Amira_Jade
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Advice:
1.) I understand it's hard when you come from an abusive relationship in the past and you're used to being trodden down and abused. Psychologically it's easy to get almost a Stockholm syndrome attitude where you subconsciously need to be mistreated, but what you're doing is feeding that unhealthy behaviour. Your bf obviously loves you and he's had a hard run himself with his exes cheating..so we can establish that if sober he would have never laid a hand on you in a bad way...

I mean this advice in the best way - don't try to victimise yourself by emotionally blowing up a situation that meant nothing. You do not need therapy (and therapy he's PAYING for) because he shoved you. Granted you may feel hurt or confused by his behaviour but then you need to be mature and take the adult route of sitting down and discussing what makes him feel insecrure when you go out. In my relationship, it turned out that it was the alcohol that made him extra paranoid, so he drinks less and now we have less issues. But you'll never know how to fix things if you don't talk. You don't need to pay a professional money for a situation as simple as this one. Just treat each other with maturity and the respect an adult relationship deserves.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Dell PC 2)
but he was drunk and “it wasn’t that hard and it didn’t hurt”
If he's done it once he will do it again and it could be the start of something more serious
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