Am I scared of commitment or do I hate my career?

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Anonymous #1
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I'm a part-qualified tax accountant (I still have loads of exams yet to pass). I have a perfect girlfriend who sees a good future for us - we have been together 4+ years already and we are thinking of getting a house at some point.

Besides my partner, I genuinely hate my life which has stemmed from my career and how much it affects my personal life and well being. I have been playing with the idea of a career change for the last 6 years (even before I met my gf) and have thought about returning to education as I never went to university the first time as I declined my offers to study Accounting knowing that I hated the subject and that there were other routes to the profession if I still don't figure out what it is I want to do.

Growing up I always thought I would have things figured out - I'd settle in a career of my choice which I enjoy and then find the perfect woman to marry, buy a house, and have kids with. But I feel like I'm not happy in my career and that I can't progress/move forward in my personal life/relationship until I'm in the right career for me.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I have to let my gf move on without me so I can pursue a different career/education? I'm completely lost.

Any advice? (PLEASE BE NICE!)
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Mesopotamian.
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I don’t see why you need to give up or sacrifice your girlfriend in order to find the career that’s right for you. If anything, having a discussion with her about how you feel might be insightful for you because she may be able to give you advice and a second perspective. Similarly, talking with friends and family might be helpful - the more opinions and advice you can get from people, the more likely you can make an informed choice about your next steps.
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ann.perkins
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Yeah I don't see why your long-term girlfriend wouldn't support you if you decide to change careers. It sounds like you've already made up your mind that accounting is not for you, so better to change careers sooner rather than later. It can be scary to venture out into the unknown, but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm a part-qualified tax accountant (I still have loads of exams yet to pass). I have a perfect girlfriend who sees a good future for us - we have been together 4+ years already and we are thinking of getting a house at some point.

Besides my partner, I genuinely hate my life which has stemmed from my career and how much it affects my personal life and well being. I have been playing with the idea of a career change for the last 6 years (even before I met my gf) and have thought about returning to education as I never went to university the first time as I declined my offers to study Accounting knowing that I hated the subject and that there were other routes to the profession if I still don't figure out what it is I want to do.

Growing up I always thought I would have things figured out - I'd settle in a career of my choice which I enjoy and then find the perfect woman to marry, buy a house, and have kids with. But I feel like I'm not happy in my career and that I can't progress/move forward in my personal life/relationship until I'm in the right career for me.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I have to let my gf move on without me so I can pursue a different career/education? I'm completely lost.

Any advice? (PLEASE BE NICE!)
Genuine answer: if your relationship is meant to last it shall stand the test ahead of you which is the change of your career. In the future in a marriage there will be plenty of challenges and tests to undergo and a successful relationship/marriage is about two committed people working together in order to make relationship a success through difficulty. So I'd genuinely say to your GF: I am about to change my career and it is going to be difficult but will eventually get there. That's it.
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Catherine1973
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I would double check finances. Would you get student loans if with girlfriend and wound there be universities near you to attend so no need to move? Could you do open university and work part time?

Doesn’t have to be one or another.
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Anonymous #3
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No point wasting your life being unhappy. But your job is keeping you in socks and undies for now so you need to work out a plan. And maybe if you are going to buy a house, make it a cheap one so you don’t trap yourself into mortgage payments that you can’t afford on a single or reduced income.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for all your opinions. There's a lot for me to think about!
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Anonymous #1
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So now me and my partner have just secured a house after making an offer and I can't help but feel trapped. To me, it feels as though I will never have a chance to change career let alone think about going back into education.

I am experiencing so many mixed emotions right now 😔
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Anonymous #1
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UPDATE:

I have also now just secured a place to study at University. The course will completely change my life but I haven't mentioned it to my gf yet as I'm not sure she'd be happy with the thought of me going.

It's far away from where me and my gf live. I can't see it working between us if I decide to go to university.

Would you choose education/career over a long-term loving partner who you wish to marry some day?

Thoughts please!
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HoldThisL
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It's far away from where me and my gf live. I can't see it working between us if I decide to go to university.

Would you choose education/career over a long-term loving partner who you wish to marry some day?

Thoughts please!
this is a bit of a devious response but i'd want to be invested in my relationship enough for it to work out if i were to go back to university, especially if my career wasn't doing it for me and i really wanted the new thing

what's she likely to say if you tell her? don't keep it too long
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by HoldThisL)
this is a bit of a devious response but i'd want to be invested in my relationship enough for it to work out if i were to go back to university, especially if my career wasn't doing it for me and i really wanted the new thing

what's she likely to say if you tell her? don't keep it too long
Yes obviously I want to keep our relationship going (we have been together for 6 years after all!).

I think it will come as a shock to her if I tell her. In the back of her mind her biological clock is ticking and she wants to have kids and ideally have me support her financially during any maternity leave and until she is ready to get back to work once the kids are old enough to go to school etc.

If I tell her I want to change career by going to university then her thoughts on the security of our relationship will change. I mean, what woman in their mid 20's would want to wait another 4 years on top of what is already a 6 year relationship to have kids and get married etc?

Do I put my own selfish needs first for happiness and career or her first?
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londonmyst
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(Original post by Anonymous)
UPDATE:

I have also now just secured a place to study at University. The course will completely change my life but I haven't mentioned it to my gf yet as I'm not sure she'd be happy with the thought of me going.

It's far away from where me and my gf live. I can't see it working between us if I decide to go to university.

Would you choose education/career over a long-term loving partner who you wish to marry some day?

Thoughts please!
Trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Have you received confirmation of your student finance eligibility?
Do you have enough savings or regular income to fund relocating without arranging to rent out the house that you have had the offer accepted on?
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NonIndigenous
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If you have to live in part-time misery for the next 20-30 years (or more) because of a career you hate... that would not be good for you, her, or any kids you will have together. That frustration and exhausted motivation builds over time until it amounts to a midlife crisis.

It's better that you do what you have to, to be where you want to be. She will have to understand. This isn't much of a choice for you, and not really a compromise either.

Some people don't care what work they do, or even how useless it is, provided they get paid for it. And other people find that impossible to do without hating themselves. I'm one of those. It's a basic necessity to my mental health. Like getting enough sleep, and eating the right food. Other things come 2nd.
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trapking
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Going to university may appear like it will change things but for many it doesnt.

The grass isnt always greener on the other side.
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Anonymous #3
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What course have you secured?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Have you received confirmation of your student finance eligibility?
Do you have enough savings or regular income to fund relocating without arranging to rent out the house that you have had the offer accepted on?
My gut is telling me to go for the course so I can finally change career. But my heart is telling me to play it safe.

Tbh I think if I tell my other half about this course she'd probably want to put the house buying on hold. We haven't put the deposit down yet. Just a solicitor deposit of £200.

(Original post by NonIndigenous)
If you have to live in part-time misery for the next 20-30 years (or more) because of a career you hate... that would not be good for you, her, or any kids you will have together. That frustration and exhausted motivation builds over time until it amounts to a midlife crisis.

It's better that you do what you have to, to be where you want to be. She will have to understand. This isn't much of a choice for you, and not really a compromise either.

Some people don't care what work they do, or even how useless it is, provided they get paid for it. And other people find that impossible to do without hating themselves. I'm one of those. It's a basic necessity to my mental health. Like getting enough sleep, and eating the right food. Other things come 2nd.
That's exactly what I'm thinking too. When you hate your career it easily spills over into your personal life and even ruins time you have outside of work. I have been thinking of a change for years.

(Original post by trapking)
Going to university may appear like it will change things but for many it doesnt.

The grass isnt always greener on the other side.
This healthcare course will literally change my career direction from the corporate world to a career where I help people!

(Original post by Anonymous)
What course have you secured?
It's a foundation to healthcare degree
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Anonymous #3
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A foundation course with no real direction to it for now that involves an immediate disruption to your life and that of your partner is rather selfish. It’s motivated by a desire to do anything rather something. A reasonable discussion with your partner about wanting to make a change and some structured discussion of your options and the most financially viable way to realise one of them is quite possible and definitely preferable to just making a spontaneous and impulsive decision to completely upend your entire and that of your partner.
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SarcAndSpark
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(Original post by Anonymous)
UPDATE:

I have also now just secured a place to study at University. The course will completely change my life but I haven't mentioned it to my gf yet as I'm not sure she'd be happy with the thought of me going.

It's far away from where me and my gf live. I can't see it working between us if I decide to go to university.

Would you choose education/career over a long-term loving partner who you wish to marry some day?

Thoughts please!
I think you need to tell her ASAP, so she does not commit to a mortgage she cannot afford alone! It's really unfair to screw her financially like that.

Also, if she finds out you have done this in secret, not from you telling her, is she going to want to stay in a relationship?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
A foundation course with no real direction to it for now that involves an immediate disruption to your life and that of your partner is rather selfish. It’s motivated by a desire to do anything rather something. A reasonable discussion with your partner about wanting to make a change and some structured discussion of your options and the most financially viable way to realise one of them is quite possible and definitely preferable to just making a spontaneous and impulsive decision to completely upend your entire and that of your partner.
It's a foundation course which leads to a specific healthcare course which I want to change career to as long as I achieve good results.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SarcAndSpark)
I think you need to tell her ASAP, so she does not commit to a mortgage she cannot afford alone! It's really unfair to screw her financially like that.

Also, if she finds out you have done this in secret, not from you telling her, is she going to want to stay in a relationship?
Yes that's very true. I won't have her commit to a mortgage on her own. And I don't want her thinking I've gone behind her back with a decision I'm considering. The only reason why I haven't told her yet is cos she'd think I'm crazy as I've played my career safe this whole time. She doesn't know how much my current career has been affecting my health mentally as I always put a brave face on.
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