Too insecure to go further

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Anonymous #1
#1
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So im having a issue with me in general since i got a boyfriend im starting to care too much about my looks

So my bf is ready to take the relationship further(s^x) we been together nearly a year and he thinks that i dont trust him enough and that i think he will judge me for my body coz i always tell him you wont like it no matter how many times he tells me he trusts me and showed me but sometimes he will get frustrated if u get what i mean and remember he is virgin we are both 19

I just dont have the courage to show him anything he seen me in shorts and bra but nothing more than that i just can't do it and i don't think i ever will
He looks like the judgement sort of person (his facial expressions) i love him

but this take guts for me he would say things like "why dont you trust me" "how are we meant to have children in future if you cant even show ur vulva" "why cant i see some tits" "why do u think im gonna judge ya"

They just dont look normal ans i told him that

I never really liked myself i started to comparing myself to other girls alot since i got with my boyfriend i know i shouldnt
Its not easy but i want him to understand but how can i get him to understand
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Dunnig Kruger
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If he's seen you in a bra and shorts, he's seen more than enough to know if he finds your physically attractive enough.

He won't be mounting your vaginal area on his mantelpiece - to admire for its aesthetic qualities.

It's how it feels that counts. And how it feels will be pretty much the same as every other vagina. With some differences caused by what's between your ears.

The big issue here isn't how you look naked. It's your self image. Your self confidence. Your attitude to going on adventures. Your attitude to trying new stuff.

If you were to take sensible infection and pregnancy precautions and were to go ahead and make love with this patient, caring young man, you'd - almost certainly - be delighted that you did. And you'd wonder why you made such a big fuss about it.

You are one person amongst 7 billion. You will live for 100 years and then die on a planet that is millions of years old. Your worries and fears don't matter. Not one bit in the grand scheme of things.

Your boyfriend already understands. It's just that he doesn't agree. And he's quite right not to agree. He wants the best for you (as well as the best for him). He wants you to grow as a person. He wants you to experience all the basic pleasures that life has to offer.

The root of your thoughts on this are - probably - perfectionism. Stop being a perfectionist. Aim to be more of a pragmatist. Right now you have the body that you have and the boyfriend that you have. Go ahead and make the most of them, even if they are not ideal. Because they certainly are more than good enough.
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CaptainDuckie
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I think the issue lies within what it is you’re actually insecure about.

It’s definitely hard but it’s one of those things where it might be uncomfortable at first showing him but, after a few times of doing so, you’ll feel more confident gradually.


If there’s one thing I would say it will be to look at things from a different perspective and understand that we all have flaws; it’s a part of life. Learn to love your flaws because that is what makes you unique.

They say that you should love yourself before loving others and there is some truth to it.

I would say to talk to him about what it is you’re concerned of, and honestly, I doubt it even matters as much as you’re making it out to be.

Don’t forget that it is only you and your thoughts getting to you; remember that being in an intimate relationship, your body is more likely going to be appreciated than critiqued.
Last edited by CaptainDuckie; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
I think the issue lies within what it is you’re actually insecure about.

It’s definitely hard but it’s one of those things where it might be uncomfortable at first showing him but, after a few times of doing so, you’ll feel more confident gradually.


If there’s one thing I would say it will be to look at things from a different perspective and understand that we all have flaws; it’s a part of life. Learn to love your flaws because that is what makes you unique.

They say that you should love yourself before loving others and there is some truth to it.

I would say to talk to him about what it is you’re concerned of, and honestly, I doubt it even matters as much as you’re making it out to be.

Don’t forget that it is only you and your thoughts getting to you; remember that being in an intimate relationship, your body is more likely going to be appreciated than critiqued.
Yeah i think i see myself differently to how others see me and my thoughts are always like "hes gonna gross out dont show him" "he dont want to see that" "he's gonna break up afterwards"

Like i was self conscious to kiss him at first but gradually i got used to it but this part is hard he knows i aint ready for thoses things and its clearly obvious i aint but it doesn't exactly mean i dont trust him because in his eyes if i did that it shows i trust him but not necessarily

I just want to feel more confident in myself beforehand because if i rush and go any further i could either freak out and end it with him out of fear he gonna end it or i would burst in tears in front of him which happened before with previous guy i cried
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CaptainDuckie
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah i think i see myself differently to how others see me and my thoughts are always like "hes gonna gross out dont show him" "he dont want to see that" "he's gonna break up afterwards"

Like i was self conscious to kiss him at first but gradually i got used to it but this part is hard he knows i aint ready for thoses things and its clearly obvious i aint but it doesn't exactly mean i dont trust him because in his eyes if i did that it shows i trust him but not necessarily

I just want to feel more confident in myself beforehand because if i rush and go any further i could either freak out and end it with him out of fear he gonna end it or i would burst in tears in front of him which happened before with previous guy i cried

Yeah I understand that.

It all needs a solid leap. It might not even be as bad as you think it is, or all these hypothetical scenarios you’re making up might not even happen.

Speak to him and he should fully understand how you feel about it. Say why you don’t want to, and how it’s something you’re working on.

Have a plan in place where you are going to face your worries, and when the day comes you will feel so much better after overcoming it. Set like a deadline, but ensure it’s fully flexible and make sure you take as long as you want before feeling comfortable.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
Yeah I understand that.

It all needs a solid leap. It might not even be as bad as you think it is, or all these hypothetical scenarios you’re making up might not even happen.

Speak to him and he should fully understand how you feel about it. Say why you don’t want to, and how it’s something you’re working on.

Have a plan in place where you are going to face your worries, and when the day comes you will feel so much better after overcoming it. Set like a deadline, but ensure it’s fully flexible and make sure you take as long as you want before feeling comfortable.
Yeah your right i could be just over thinking things i just need to feel more myself and ready but at the moment i just want to keep the relationship as it now not going any further into anything i like it how it is now

he tends to be very indecisive which he was in the few couple of months in the relationship and he is very honest person the kind thats like why dont u wear this or try this or why dont you do this but he aint controlling hes just more fast than me and im abit slow with things and prefers to take things easy

But thankyou for reply appreciate it alot
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CaptainDuckie
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah your right i could be just over thinking things i just need to feel more myself and ready but at the moment i just want to keep the relationship as it now not going any further into anything i like it how it is now

he tends to be very indecisive which he was in the few couple of months in the relationship and he is very honest person the kind thats like why dont u wear this or try this or why dont you do this but he aint controlling hes just more fast than me and im abit slow with things and prefers to take things easy

But thankyou for reply appreciate it alot


There’s nothing wrong with giving input if it’s asked for, but if he’s like actively controlling you and trying to make you feel bad for not giving him what he wants then don’t feel scared to raise the problems with this with him.

He should respect that you’re capable of making your decisions yourself.
Wear whatever you want to wear and don’t let him control you, or demand that you wear it.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by CaptainDuckie)
There’s nothing wrong with giving input if it’s asked for, but if he’s like actively controlling you and trying to make you feel bad for not giving him what he wants then don’t feel scared to raise the problems with this with him.

He should respect that you’re capable of making your decisions yourself.
Wear whatever you want to wear and don’t let him control you, or demand that you wear it.
Okay i will try not to be afraid to speak up to him sometimes i do feel i cant wear or do certain things like i put my hair in bun once just something different and when he saw me he said "what is that?" like a disgusted way and
i do wish i can wear things without him commenting all saying to me about other girls like "how come u dont wear something like that" i dont think he realises what he's saying sometmes but i know he dont mean but he just dont know what coming out of his mouth
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CaptainDuckie
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Okay i will try not to be afraid to speak up to him sometimes i do feel i cant wear or do certain things like i put my hair in bun once just something different and when he saw me he said "what is that?" like a disgusted way and
i do wish i can wear things without him commenting all saying to me about other girls like "how come u dont wear something like that" i dont think he realises what he's saying sometmes but i know he dont mean but he just dont know what coming out of his mouth

Hard to say this but I personally don’t think it’s healthy to be afraid to be able to confront him on what he’s doing.

Make sure you do because even if he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he will then realise you don’t like it and it will establish a pretty strong boundary between you and him.

When you feel something is not right, always speak up because that’s what a relationship is for - mutual understanding and being able to discuss whether your happy or not, and whether you want to continue the relationship.

Always prioritise your health and emotions first.
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HeavLeighGill
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Be confident! I’m sure you’re beautiful and it sounds like he thinks the same
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