Am I in the wrong or do I have a point?

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Anonymous #1
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Been with my partner for four years. Both early/mid 20’s, he works full time and I work part time and study.
I love everything about him, except one thing. His money management is absolutely horrendous, and quite honestly the only cause of our arguments. He’s lived away from home for a year and we will be moving in together this year as I’ve just graduated and moved back to the city we’re both from, but I genuinely can’t see us getting along if he doesn’t sort his ideas out.

He works hard and makes good money (around 1k every 2 weeks after tax) but doesn’t know how to save or budget well at all. I hate having to keep on at him about it, but I feel like after four years of being together, I still have every right to be concerned. He’s always paid his rent and bills, but the rest quickly goes leaving him with nothing left.

We hardly ever go out and do fun things as a couple because he has no money. Not to suggest everything we do has to involve it - but a trip for brunch or maybe a round of golf would be fun to do, and yet we can’t.

Pre-COVID, we had to cancel a holiday that I had already paid my half on (and didn’t get back) because he didn’t tell me until last minute that he didn’t have the funds saved, despite it being planned well over a year in advance.

I’ve had to bail him out for things often, such as his phone bill or a subscription service, because I don’t want his poor credit affecting me in the future. I’d love to start saving for a mortgage, but he doesn’t understand the seriousness of needing to get his act together. He often tells me he wants all of this himself, yet shows no effort to change his ways.

Really stuck for ideas on how to make him realise that his behaviour with money has got to change. I don’t want to be nagging at him - by all means I just want him to recognise he needs to save, and then he can do what he likes with the rest of his cash.

Any tips would be appreciated if anyone has dealt with similar. TIA
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Anonymous #1
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Just to add - the reason why we’re still moving in together is because I know he never had an issue paying his rent/bills, and I couldn’t afford to live by myself , nor is moving home an option for me. We’re moving in with myself paying 3 months upfront to secure it.
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Muttley79
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Just to add - the reason why we’re still moving in together is because I know he never had an issue paying his rent/bills, and I couldn’t afford to live by myself , nor is moving home an option for me. We’re moving in with myself paying 3 months upfront to secure it.
I would set up an account for living expenses and you both pay something by DD itno it each month - keep other money separate so he knows what is 'his' to spend.

Work out together the costs of rent, council tax, electricity, gas, water, food plus insurances and other essential costs plus an amount for emergencies. I would not move in unless he agrees with this approach ... you must not 'underwite' his selfsih spending.
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londonmyst
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Just frankly let him know your future ambitions within the next 2-5 years and highlight how much you value financial stability & maintaining a good credit history.
Be very clear about communicating your expectations and any dealbreakers that you have.
If your bf says that he understands but continue to refuse to budget or save some of his income, you will know that the two of you are incompatible in terms of finances and lifestyle preferences.
Good luck!
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kaiana
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If you don't mind, what is he spending it on? Since you say that you hardly go out as a couple, is he spending his money on gambling or an expensive collection perhaps?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Muttley79)
I would set up an account for living expenses and you both pay something by DD itno it each month - keep other money separate so he knows what is 'his' to spend.

Work out together the costs of rent, council tax, electricity, gas, water, food plus insurances and other essential costs plus an amount for emergencies. I would not move in unless he agrees with this approach ... you must not 'underwite' his selfsih spending.
I agree with the idea of putting everything in one account, I’d just be worried that the account may effect my credit score in some way? Not 100% sure but I’ve built it up well during uni with no overdrafts or minimum debt to pay back at all.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Just frankly let him know your future ambitions within the next 2-5 years and highlight how much you value financial stability & maintaining a good credit history.
Be very clear about communicating your expectations and any dealbreakers that you have.
If your bf says that he understands but continue to refuse to budget or save some of his income, you will know that the two of you are incompatible in terms of finances and lifestyle preferences.
Good luck!
For sure, I’ve even had to explain that my future career as a solicitor means I must have good credit and no financial problems in my name, otherwise I literally couldn’t be admitted as a qualifying lawyer.

Thank you !
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by kaiana)
If you don't mind, what is he spending it on? Since you say that you hardly go out as a couple, is he spending his money on gambling or an expensive collection perhaps?
That’s the problem - he literally can’t show or tell me what he spends it on. He doesn’t take care of his outgoings and spends rather frivolously. I’ll ask him “where did that £300 go from last week?” And he knows he can’t even show me.

We both enjoy expensive things, such as clothes and trainers. But he doesn’t buy them often at all, meaning his money is literally going nowhere. Things like Ubers after work, takeouts and coffees. Things that are throwaway but add up seriously over time.
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Muttley79
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I agree with the idea of putting everything in one account, I’d just be worried that the account may effect my credit score in some way? Not 100% sure but I’ve built it up well during uni with no overdrafts or minimum debt to pay back at all.
If you live with him it will anyway ... you will be linked on any credit search. So having a joint account for expenses does not make your situation 'worse'.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Muttley79)
If you live with him it will anyway ... you will be linked on any credit search. So having a joint account for expenses does not make your situation 'worse'.
Surely not if it’s just my name on the tenancy? They’re aware it’ll be two of us but I was fine going with full responsibility considering I’ve enough to pay upfront for a year incase anything goes wrong. Something to look into though definitely.
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Muttley79
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Surely not if it’s just my name on the tenancy? They’re aware it’ll be two of us but I was fine going with full responsibility considering I’ve enough to pay upfront for a year incase anything goes wrong. Something to look into though definitely.
No - you will be linked. If it's just your name on the tenancy the landlord will need to know and you'll be liable for council tax and both your names will be on the electoral roll. If you distrust him this much you should not live together.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Muttley79)
No - you will be linked. If it's just your name on the tenancy the landlord will need to know and you'll be liable for council tax and both your names will be on the electoral roll. If you distrust him this much you should not live together.
The housing situation has already been fine and not an issue. The landlord is aware - my concern isn’t about him not paying as I said, it’s literally just the issue of money going elsewhere and not being saved or even looked at properly. It’s frustrating to be honest.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Muttley79)
No - you will be linked. If it's just your name on the tenancy the landlord will need to know and you'll be liable for council tax and both your names will be on the electoral roll. If you distrust him this much you should not live together.
Also to mention again that unfortunately I’ve no other choice in terms of living arrangement. I can’t go back to my family home and I can’t afford to live by myself, also no friends in the city.
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Dunnig Kruger
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The 2 of you have zero chance of a happy long term future.


You are incompatible in your approach to money: spending it, saving it, investing it.


He won't change. It's a core part of what he is.


You will get more and more fed up, bailing him out time after time after time.


Why stick with him when there are plenty of men that know how to budget and live within their means?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
The 2 of you have zero chance of a happy long term future.


You are incompatible in your approach to money: spending it, saving it, investing it.


He won't change. It's a core part of what he is.


You will get more and more fed up, bailing him out time after time after time.


Why stick with him when there are plenty of men that know how to budget and live within their means?
I totally understand your point, but it would be way easier if it wasn't such a long-term relationship, but it's complex in terms of why it happens. He has severe ADHD, and a part of that is compulsive spending (I probably should've mentioned that to begin with in all fairness). He's told me he wants the same things in the future i.e., same lifestyle, same sort of habits etc. He just needs to help himself in terms of actually understanding the importance of why it impacts his future. He has his own goals he wants to achieve, to which I've always said will never happen unless he sorts himself out in that aspect.

Plus to be fair, if I wanted someone who was better with money, I just wouldn't be with anyone at all lmao. Save the hassle!
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markova21
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If a part of his ADHD is compulsive spending then you are just going to have to accept this is a major part of his personality. He can't change his ways or behaviour, and will never be able to. So, if you truly love him you are going to have to come to terms with this.
Last edited by markova21; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by markova21)
If a part of his ADHD is compulsive spending then you are just going to have to accept this is a major part of his personality. He can't change his ways or behaviour, and will never be able to. So, if you truly love him you are going to have to come to terms with this.
I do feel like that is a bit of a cop out thought, I know that sounds awful to say, but he won't be the only one that's struggled with it and had to get it under control in one way or another. I'm just stuck for ideas on how to do that - I've even said about therapy for his mental health etc, but he refuses to take his meds and doesn't really speak to anyone because in his head, the two aren't related. Of course I love him, I wouldn't have dealt with it for this long otherwise - but that doesn't mean I should have to continue with it, in my opinion. But I understand your point.
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markova21
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I do feel like that is a bit of a cop out thought, I know that sounds awful to say, but he won't be the only one that's struggled with it and had to get it under control in one way or another. I'm just stuck for ideas on how to do that - I've even said about therapy for his mental health etc, but he refuses to take his meds and doesn't really speak to anyone because in his head, the two aren't related. Of course I love him, I wouldn't have dealt with it for this long otherwise - but that doesn't mean I should have to continue with it, in my opinion. But I understand your point.
Well to turn it on its head, why should he have to continue putting up with you? If he wants to spend money and enjoys it ( and it's his to spend) then he should be able to. IF he wanted to and was able to, he would try and do whatever it takes to save money and be more responsible. Some people, ADHD or not, are simply like this. I am a 53 year old female, and for my whole life i've never been able to save money. It's just part of the way I am. It would be almost impossible for me to become someone i'm not.
Last edited by markova21; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by markova21)
I am a 53 year old female, and for my whole life i've never been able to save money. It's just part of the way I am. It would be almost impossible for me to become someone i'm not.
It’s not impossible to become someone you’re not if you truly decide to change.
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markova21
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It’s not impossible to become someone you’re not if you truly decide to change.
Well under normal circumstances no. But when you also factor in the complication of someone with a long term condition, over which he has no or little control, i'd imagine this is then a very different situation.
Last edited by markova21; 1 month ago
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