The Student Room Group

Should i stay friends with him

Several years ago when i was a student i used to meet specifically older guys from dating apps like 39 years old for hookups, i know it's gross i was in a very bad place at the time. Anyway i moved on loads since then but am still friends with one man, we aren't that close but hang out every now and then as i don't really have friends. i made it clear they are only a friend to me but i feel like pretend to be a friend while privately having sexual thoughts given the way we met. I feel grossed out by it sometimes even tho they are very nice and sweet. but if we stop talking i just feel really alone, this is the only friend who invites me out to do stuff and is more mature.

should i just cut this person off for good?
Many different questions I have from this situation, the most important is probably knowing whether or not this guy is married, and has a family.

Even if he isn’t, Is he willing to eventually get married? Where does he see himself in the future? (Presumably, since you’re his friend, you should know this.)

Keeping in contact with him when you know he’s married is unethical, yes. Unless everyone’s happy, of course.

Personally, I feel like if both of you are not on the hook up vibe anymore, you probably could remain in contact with him. Potentially even get together too. Be realistic though, remember that there are plenty of guys that are younger and willing to live more life with you.

You would need to, however, keep firm distance from him, and ensure it’s entirely platonic until you’ve established you see yourself together with him. After doing that, if you find it’s not working, it’ll probably be best to talk to him about the complications of remaining friends with him.


And unfortunately, you would have to cut him off and move on.
Reply 2
I'm guessing when you say "several years ago", that you're into your 20s?

There doesn't appear to be anything concerning from your post, and I wouldn't say it's necessarily gross for you to seek intimacy like that. Assuming you're an adult, if that's your prerogative then you do you. It might be a bit risky, but it's not unheard of - people have needs and desires.

As for going out, perhaps you should start a hobby or club - something that takes you out of the house and your comfort zone a bit. Making friends is as easy as finding a common interests, and you're probably not going to find it from "friends with benefits". I know it can seem hard work, but finding good people usually requires more effort than hunting thirsty men. :wink:
Reply 3
Original post by CaptainDuckie
Many different questions I have from this situation, the most important is probably knowing whether or not this guy is married, and has a family.

Even if he isn’t, Is he willing to eventually get married? Where does he see himself in the future? (Presumably, since you’re his friend, you should know this.)

Keeping in contact with him when you know he’s married is unethical, yes. Unless everyone’s happy, of course.

Personally, I feel like if both of you are not on the hook up vibe anymore, you probably could remain in contact with him. Potentially even get together too. Be realistic though, remember that there are plenty of guys that are younger and willing to live more life with you.

You would need to, however, keep firm distance from him, and ensure it’s entirely platonic until you’ve established you see yourself together with him. After doing that, if you find it’s not working, it’ll probably be best to talk to him about the complications of remaining friends with him.


And unfortunately, you would have to cut him off and move on.

No he's single, early 40s, seems to be looking for a relationship but really has no luck and isn't planning on marriage atm. He left his home country and I think he feels a bit lost and is focused on professional life. He is a bit introverted i think. I am younger but struggle to make friends with my peers i think i don't have much 'life' in me and have MH problems yet mature for my age. but i'm sick of being an outsider. I definitely have no desire to be with them ever as i don't find them attractive in any way but as a friend they are nice-natured and agreeable so it's all fine.
Reply 4
Original post by Pugsly
I'm guessing when you say "several years ago", that you're into your 20s?

There doesn't appear to be anything concerning from your post, and I wouldn't say it's necessarily gross for you to seek intimacy like that. Assuming you're an adult, if that's your prerogative then you do you. It might be a bit risky, but it's not unheard of - people have needs and desires.

As for going out, perhaps you should start a hobby or club - something that takes you out of the house and your comfort zone a bit. Making friends is as easy as finding a common interests, and you're probably not going to find it from "friends with benefits". I know it can seem hard work, but finding good people usually requires more effort than hunting thirsty men. :wink:

No don't get me wrong i really am not attracted to this person we didn't continue then as i really didn't like it and them in that way. it makes me feel disgusted to remember it now.

Thanks i have lots of hobbies and have tried that for years but not had much luck with people, hence why i'm friends with this person again. Ppl my age just find me weird or uptight or dull.

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