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lied to boyfriend about my age by a year

i was 17 when i met my bf and he was 20, we met on a dating site so it was pretty easy for me to lie, i lied that i was 18 bc he said he wouldn’t mess around w a girl that’s under 18. i at the time didn’t really care bc i thought we would just hook up a few times and just not talk to each other again, then we became closer and around 6 months later we started dating back in October, it’s a lot more serious now and i have yet to tell him the truth, i keep on thinking that a year won’t make a difference since i lied to him that i repeated the year and so he knows that i just finished high school now and going off to uni this year. should i bother telling him that i’m a year younger ? or should i just let him find out himself bc it’s just a year. I’m too scared to tell him bc he’ll start assuming that i lied about other stuff when i haven’t and he’ll just lose his trust in me, i love him to bits but this lie is just killing me and i don’t want to ruin our relationship by saying it, i have no idea what to do

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Reply 1
thanks for replying, the law doesn’t really matter here bc what we did wasn’t illegal, i’m 18 now so i guess legal stuff doesn’t matter anymore. he said it’s fine that i’m over 16 but preference wise he would prefer an adult bc he ain’t a creep lol. and you’re right he would be suspicious about other stuff but he wouldn’t listen, he assumed stuff a lot even when i’m not lying so i hate to see how he’d react w this. i hate myself a lot for this bc me and my bf are always honest with each other about how we’re feeling, i see an amazing future with him but i would hate to lose that over some stupid lie
Original post by Anonymous
thanks for replying, the law doesn’t really matter here bc what we did wasn’t illegal, i’m 18 now so i guess legal stuff doesn’t matter anymore. he said it’s fine that i’m over 16 but preference wise he would prefer an adult bc he ain’t a creep lol. and you’re right he would be suspicious about other stuff but he wouldn’t listen, he assumed stuff a lot even when i’m not lying so i hate to see how he’d react w this. i hate myself a lot for this bc me and my bf are always honest with each other about how we’re feeling, i see an amazing future with him but i would hate to lose that over some stupid lie

The legal stuff may not matter any more (I'm assuming because of lockdown etc. you wouldn't have had the chance to go to the pub or anything like that with him). However, if he's the sort of person where honesty and integrity are important factors, then the fact you lied about your age may be a big deal to him. Although you may not have outright lied directly to him, if you knew he made some incorrect assumptions and you (knowingly) didn't correct him, then it's pretty much as good as lying.

If there's any chance he'll find out some other way, and he'll have a bad reaction to it, I'd suggest you bite the bullet and tell him. Also emphasise why you did it, and you're really sorry and it'll never happen again.
Truth's gotta come out at some point, right?
Think about what will happen if this relationship becomes more serious. He's going to see your university ID, your drivers license, your passport, etc or may be in a situation someday where he needs to give your date of birth while booking an activity for the two of you to do. You can't hide your age forever and when it comes out he is going to connect the dots that you lied to him. He'll take it better if he hears it from you directly now rather than if he finds out by seeing it written somewhere later - and the sooner you tell him the better. The longer the lie carries on the less chance there is he will forgive you.

However, don't be surprised if he doesn't take it well. He made clear that your age was a dealbreaker and lying to get around his morals was not okay. He may not trust you again after this. I'd feel disgusted with myself if I found out I had been flirting or being physical with a 17 year old, and I'd also be angry with them for lying about something they knew was important to me.

Tell him. Yes, there's a good chance this could ruin your relationship - but by not telling him you're just putting off the inevitable. He's going to find out eventually. Behave like an adult would in this scenario and be honest.
(edited 2 years ago)
You should just be honest with him and let him decide. I would end the relationship in his position though.
Reply 6
Original post by sinfonietta
Think about what will happen if this relationship becomes more serious. He's going to see your university ID, your drivers license, your passport, etc or may be in a situation someday where he needs to give your date of birth while booking an activity for the two of you to do. You can't hide your age forever and when it comes out he is going to connect the dots that you lied to him. He'll take it better if he hears it from you directly now rather than if he finds out by seeing it written somewhere later - and the sooner you tell him the better. The longer the lie carries on the less chance there is he will forgive you.

However, don't be surprised if he doesn't take it well. He made clear that your age was a dealbreaker and lying to get around his morals was not okay. He may not trust you again after this. I'd feel disgusted with myself if I found out I had been flirting or being physical with a 17 year old, and I'd also be angry with them for lying about something they knew was important to me.

Tell him. Yes, there's a good chance this could ruin your relationship - but by not telling him you're just putting off the inevitable. He's going to find out eventually. Behave like an adult would in this scenario and be


the outcome of this makes me not wanna tell him, i remember he asked me 3 months into our relationship what was my age again bc my birthday was coming near so i don’t know if he even bothered remembering my age, i just don’t want him to leave. personally i wouldn’t leave if someone lied by a year but it would kill me if i found out about it instead of them telling me straight up. i hate that i don’t plan on telling him soon it’s too much for me i just can’t
Original post by Anonymous
the outcome of this makes me not wanna tell him, i remember he asked me 3 months into our relationship what was my age again bc my birthday was coming near so i don’t know if he even bothered remembering my age, i just don’t want him to leave. personally i wouldn’t leave if someone lied by a year but it would kill me if i found out about it instead of them telling me straight up. i hate that i don’t plan on telling him soon it’s too much for me i just can’t

The longer you leave it the worse it is going to be - because then he'll be seeing it not as lying for just 6 months, but 9 months, or a year, etc. There are also more chances that he is going to accidentally find out and it will look extremely bad on you if he doesn't hear it directly from you first.

You need to tell him. As soon as possible. The outcome will get worse the longer it's left. Right now you might still have a chance of salvaging this relationship. With each month that passes that chance is lowered, and the chances that he will find out another way will increase. It is also going to get harder to tell him the longer you leave it. Do both of you a favour and tell him now.
did you lose your virginity to him? probably just tell him?
Considering that you lied to him in order to have sex with him, when he wouldn't have had sex with you had he known the truth, there's a case to be made for rape by deception. If I were him, I'd leave you if I knew - and he's going to find out eventually.
Original post by sinfonietta
The longer you leave it the worse it is going to be - because then he'll be seeing it not as lying for just 6 months, but 9 months, or a year, etc. There are also more chances that he is going to accidentally find out and it will look extremely bad on you if he doesn't hear it directly from you first.

You need to tell him. As soon as possible. The outcome will get worse the longer it's left. Right now you might still have a chance of salvaging this relationship. With each month that passes that chance is lowered, and the chances that he will find out another way will increase. It is also going to get harder to tell him the longer you leave it. Do both of you a favour and tell him now.

i know you're right but idk how to mentally prepare myself for a breakup, i guess i need to reap what i sow but i feel like i could wait until uni starts and then tell him then bc at least i would have other stuff to focus on like my work and im not left w the void of him not being there lol. i feel like there isnt a way to salvage this relationship at this point hence why i never told him the truth
Original post by Anonymous
i know you're right but idk how to mentally prepare myself for a breakup, i guess i need to reap what i sow but i feel like i could wait until uni starts and then tell him then bc at least i would have other stuff to focus on like my work and im not left w the void of him not being there lol. i feel like there isnt a way to salvage this relationship at this point hence why i never told him the truth

This wouldn't be a good idea. Rather than university giving you something else to focus on, you will more likely find that the break-up will distract you from your university work and will get in the way of socialising with new people. If this is going to result in a break-up then it's better to do it now and give yourself the next month or so heal before starting the next chapter of your life.
(edited 2 years ago)
Personally, I think you should tell him the excuse you said on here.
Original post by sinfonietta
This wouldn't be a good idea. Rather than university giving you something else to focus on, you will more likely find that the break-up will distract you from your university work and will get in the way of socialising with new people. If this is going to result in a break-up then it's better to do it now and give yourself the next month or so heal before starting the next chapter of your life.

very true, but i have no idea what to do for the rest of the summer, i wanted this summer to be with him but this lie is getting in the way idk what to do, im scared if being alone lol
Original post by CaptainDuckie
Personally, I think you should tell him the excuse you said on here.

is it a decent excuse? like would you believe that?
Original post by Anonymous
very true, but i have no idea what to do for the rest of the summer, i wanted this summer to be with him but this lie is getting in the way idk what to do, im scared if being alone lol

You shouldn't fear being single. Being single is what opens the door to potentionally finding someone new. Starting university will allow you the perfect opportunity to connect with new people.
(edited 2 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
is it a decent excuse? like would you believe that?



Is it the truth?

There is certainly some reasonable explanation behind that.
Did you mislead him about your year of birth or the year that you left school? :confused:
If not, you may be able to pass off your answer about age as an accidental miscommunication.
Many friends born in asia and their highly traditionalist ancestors have a tradition of adding a year to their ages because they base their calculations on a baby's age being listed as 1 year old on the day of birth.

I don't understand why having chosen to deceive your bf about age, you now feel guilty.
I started dating at 16, am only attracted to much older guys and always ensured that they all knew that I was over 16 but under 18.
That's a very scummy thing to do, no K for Youuuu
is the situation really that bad? i could ask him to give me a couple months so i can regain his trust again, he knows i’m going to uni this year so i could tell him that if we last through uni then our relationship will definitely work , or is that stupid lol

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