Someone please tell me how much my essay is out of 18.Poetry Ozymandies

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kayla306
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#1
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#1
Shelly presents power in Ozymandias by exploring how Ozymandias (the pharaoh) power has deteriorated over time.In this essay,I will be discussing the theme ‘power’ and how significant it is.I will also be speaking about how Shelley presents Ozymandias.

In the poem Ozymandias ,the poet presents Ozymandias as arrogant and powerful.This is portrayed in the writers use of alliterations ,such as ‘sneer of cold command’.From this quotation,we can infer that Ozymandias was a very cold-hearted towards everyone.The word cold suggests how harsh and unsympathetic Ozymandias was.This impacts the reader to think that he was a great warrior and one of the most powerful men in the world.

Shelly presents Ozymandias as boastful and self-absorbed.This poem is quite ironic ,due to the fact that the only thing that remains of his statue is a ruined one.This is demonstrated when Shelly says ‘look at my work,ye mighty and despair’.The use of exclamation mark highlights the tone is strong and authoritative.The lexis ‘ye mighty’ may suggest that Pharaoh thinks that he is the one on top on the hierarchy.

In the poem Ozymandias,Shelly presents Ozymandias as pitiful and self-centered.This is quite ironic ,pointing out that all that remains is a boast on a ruined statue.The statue is falling apart in a desert and no one cares.This symbolizes that the destruction of time visits on anything and everything on earth.This evidences when Shelly says ‘half-sunk,a shattered of visage lies’.This highlights that not even a powerful men cn escape the damaging effect of time.The phrases ‘shattered visage’ implies that the statue is unrecognised and it has no purpose anymore.

To conclude,Shelly presents Ozymandias as self centered and arrogant .She uses a rhyme scheme that is irregular to symbolize the broken statue.I think Shelly main message is to tell us that no matter how great we are we give in to the power over time.

How much would you give it?
Where should i improve?
What shall I add?
I feel like my teacher degraded me.
Last edited by kayla306; 5 months ago
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kayla306
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#2
Someone please mark this???
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artful_lounger
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#3
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#3
(Original post by kayla306)
Someone please mark this???
First of all I would note the poem Ozymandia was written by Percy Shelley, not Mary Shelley, so you should change the pronoun referring to Shelley to a male one

Secondly I have no idea what you are trying to convey with the term "lexis" but I don't think it means what you think it does. I'd suggest using plainer language which accurately conveys your meaning unambiguously.

Those things aside, what level is this for? GCSE? A-level? Degree level? It would help the study helpers advise if they knew the context for writing this (I assume GCSE level but it's not stated...).
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kayla306
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#4
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#4
(Original post by artful_lounger)
First of all I would note the poem Ozymandia was written by Percy Shelley, not Mary Shelley, so you should change the pronoun referring to Shelley to a male one

Secondly I have no idea what you are trying to convey with the term "lexis" but I don't think it means what you think it does. I'd suggest using plainer language which accurately conveys your meaning unambiguously.

Those things aside, what level is this for? GCSE? A-level? Degree level? It would help the study helpers advise if they knew the context for writing this (I assume GCSE level but it's not stated...).
GSCE,and sorry because of autocorrect.
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artful_lounger
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#5
Well, the analysis is a bit limited but it's GCSE level so that isn't the worst thing I suppose, however the structure is very lacking which both contributes to the shallowness of some of the analysis and also makes it overall a bit weaker. In GCSE I think you can pick up a LOT of marks just by having a well structured response - however I don't know the GCSE marking scheme so can't (and won't!) give it a numerical mark, but I definitely think there's plenty of room for improvement.

I would recommend you approach things with a PEE format (point, evidence, explain) as a basic structural guideline. Where possible you should also link your PEE structure to the overall question being asked, and make sure that you signpost as you go through where your argument is going and how it develops from what was said before. But for the basic PEE stuff you have in places just made a point but not given any evidence or explanation for it - giving textual evidence (i.e. using quotes) is critical, and likewise you can't just state a point and give evidence for it, you need to explain how that textual evidence illustrates the point.

For the analysis itself I'd recommend using SLIME (structure, language, imagery, meaning, effect) as a basic approach for things to consider analysing, which should give you plenty to potentially talk about. For example, you've not discussed the structure of the poem at all that I can see i.e. what type of poem it is, discussing the rhyme scheme if there is one and if you recognise it the metre of the poem - you could then discuss that in relation to the content and the themes of the poem. You've also not really spent much time talking about the language used - this links often with the structure (e.g. in terms of rhyme schemes) but also may have general points you can make separate to that.

Overall the impression is that you've mostly made a number of points; some of them you have given evidence for and some you have explained (a couple you have given both) but often you've just stated a point but made no analysis of the poem relating to it. Also there isn't any overall structure - try and have an end point you are arguing towards, and see each paragraph as a point towards that overall argument, growing over the course of your writing. Otherwise there are lots of things to analyse in the poem that you've not picked up on; you don't need to analyse everything (there is a LOT of stuff you can analyse in that particular poem, even in a relatively short response!) but there is definitely more that you could say about it even in terms of the points you've already stated.
Last edited by artful_lounger; 5 months ago
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kayla306
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#6
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#6
(Original post by artful_lounger)
Well, the analysis is a bit limited but it's GCSE level so that isn't the worst thing I suppose, however the structure is very lacking which both contributes to the shallowness of some of the analysis and also makes it overall a bit weaker. In GCSE I think you can pick up a LOT of marks just by having a well structured response - however I don't know the GCSE marking scheme so can't (and won't!) give it a numerical mark, but I definitely think there's plenty of room for improvement.

I would recommend you approach things with a PEE format (point, evidence, explain) as a basic structural guideline. Where possible you should also link your PEE structure to the overall question being asked, and make sure that you signpost as you go through where your argument is going and how it develops from what was said before. But for the basic PEE stuff you have in places just made a point but not given any evidence or explanation for it - giving textual evidence (i.e. using quotes) is critical, and likewise you can't just state a point and give evidence for it, you need to explain how that textual evidence illustrates the point.

For the analysis itself I'd recommend using SLIME (structure, language, imagery, meaning, effect) as a basic approach for things to consider analysing, which should give you plenty to potentially talk about. For example, you've not discussed the structure of the poem at all that I can see i.e. what type of poem it is, discussing the rhyme scheme if there is one and if you recognise it the metre of the poem - you could then discuss that in relation to the content and the themes of the poem. You've also not really spent much time talking about the language used - this links often with the structure (e.g. in terms of rhyme schemes) but also may have general points you can make separate to that.

Overall the impression is that you've mostly made a number of points; some of them you have given evidence for and some you have explained (a couple you have given both) but often you've just stated a point but made no analysis of the poem relating to it. Also there isn't any overall structure - try and have an end point you are arguing towards, and see each paragraph as a point towards that overall argument, growing over the course of your writing. Otherwise there are lots of things to analyse in the poem that you've not picked up on; you don't need to analyse everything (there is a LOT of stuff you can analyse in that particular poem, even in a relatively short response!) but there is definitely more that you could say about it even in terms of the points you've already stated.
Thank you,I will better it by using the advice and post the result in a few days.Thank you!
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artful_lounger
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#7
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#7
(Original post by kayla306)
Thank you,I will better it by using the advice and post the result in a few days.Thank you!
Note that you shouldn't post anything online you are planning to submit for any external assessments as they will be cached by google and flag as plagiarism when checked for that. However if this is just an assignment from your teacher or just practice for yourself, there is no issue - just remember that in future though and be careful what you post!
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Cote1
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#8
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#8
I do like this poem.
There are some punctuation and spelling errors you need to correct.
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kayla306
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Cote1)
I do like this poem.
There are some punctuation and spelling errors you need to correct.
Can you tell me ways to improve?
Be as critical as you need to be,because i am trying to improve my structure and get a better score.
And what grade do you think it is?
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kayla306
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#10
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#10
I really appericate all your comments
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kayla306
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#11
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#11
(Original post by kayla306)
I really appericate all your comments
sorry for spamming alot.I really want to know how well i did or how bad.I am really bad at this,i am getting 4 and i really am trying to improve .
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0ptics
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#12
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#12
Paragraphs 3 and 4 seem similar imo. The main difference between them is that you mentioned the passing of time affecting ozymandias’ power. Perhaps, you could add that to paragraph 3 and make 4 something different? Also, idk what exam board you’re in, but for my exam board, the third of the marks for this question relied on context, which seems to show slim to none in your essay.
Last edited by 0ptics; 5 months ago
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kayla306
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#13
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(Original post by 0ptics)
Paragraphs 3 and 4 seem similar imo. The main difference between them is that you mentioned the passing of time affecting ozymandias’ power. Perhaps, you could add that to paragraph 3 and make 4 something different? Also, idk what exam board you’re in, but for my exam board, the third of the marks for this question relied on context, which seems to show slim to none in your essay.
okay thank you,what do you mean by context.
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Cote1
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#14
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#14
(Original post by kayla306)
Can you tell me ways to improve?
Be as critical as you need to be,because i am trying to improve my structure and get a better score.
And what grade do you think it is?
Sorry I am not a teacher so can't grade it. Use spell and grammar check as a guide. Some suggestions (not all errors are mentioned here):

Shelley is spelt wrong
Ozymandias' power or Ozymandias's power
theme of power
'cold'
writer's
use of alliteration
was cold-hearted
his statue is a ruin.
an exclamation mark
highlights that the tone
that the pharaoh thinks
of the hierarchy
pitiless
this symbolises the destruction that time
a powerful man can
the phrase
unrecognisable
self-centred
symbolise
Shelley's main message

Instead of 'we can' you could put 'the reader can infer'.
Personally, I would remove 'towards everyone' and '(the pharaoh)'.
You should leave a space after each full stop, before the first letter of the next sentence. When you use a comma, put a space in right after it.
A few sentences need rewriting to make more sense.
Last edited by Cote1; 5 months ago
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0ptics
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#15
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#15
(Original post by kayla306)
okay thank you,what do you mean by context.
context, as in, why did they write the poem, essentially. Mr Bruff can explain better than me as to what context means, also, he is an overall great youtuber. He’ll probably provide some context about this poem, tho I’m not fully sure as I didn’t do AQA
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Googley_eyes
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#16
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#16
(Original post by kayla306)
Shelly presents power in Ozymandias by exploring how Ozymandias (the pharaoh) power has deteriorated over time.In this essay,I will be discussing the theme ‘power’ and how significant it is.I will also be speaking about how Shelley presents Ozymandias.

In the poem Ozymandias ,the poet presents Ozymandias as arrogant and powerful.This is portrayed in the writers use of alliterations ,such as ‘sneer of cold command’.From this quotation,we can infer that Ozymandias was a very cold-hearted towards everyone.The word cold suggests how harsh and unsympathetic Ozymandias was.This impacts the reader to think that he was a great warrior and one of the most powerful men in the world.

Shelly presents Ozymandias as boastful and self-absorbed.This poem is quite ironic ,due to the fact that the only thing that remains of his statue is a ruined one.This is demonstrated when Shelly says ‘look at my work,ye mighty and despair’.The use of exclamation mark highlights the tone is strong and authoritative.The lexis ‘ye mighty’ may suggest that Pharaoh thinks that he is the one on top on the hierarchy.

In the poem Ozymandias,Shelly presents Ozymandias as pitiful and self-centered.This is quite ironic ,pointing out that all that remains is a boast on a ruined statue.The statue is falling apart in a desert and no one cares.This symbolizes that the destruction of time visits on anything and everything on earth.This evidences when Shelly says ‘half-sunk,a shattered of visage lies’.This highlights that not even a powerful men cn escape the damaging effect of time.The phrases ‘shattered visage’ implies that the statue is unrecognised and it has no purpose anymore.

To conclude,Shelly presents Ozymandias as self centered and arrogant .She uses a rhyme scheme that is irregular to symbolize the broken statue.I think Shelly main message is to tell us that no matter how great we are we give in to the power over time.

How much would you give it?
Where should i improve?
What shall I add?
I feel like my teacher degraded me.
I’m not going through this in super amount of detail but based on what I know about this poem and the paragraphs, this would be about a grade 3 or a 4 max. None of the inference is anything impressive, it’s what anyone could infer so the examiner will read thousands of essays with the same comments, you need to figure out how to make yours stand out a bit. Idk what your school says but an introduction paragraph is useless (I got full marks in the real exam on this poem with no introduction and my school with super high grades in English told us not to do one).

I’d change powerful in the first real paragraph as you don’t want to explore the theme of power through the word power, as that doesn’t really make sense. Try something like influential. Linking harsh to a great warrior is a bit of a leap, you need something in the middle to lead them. Maybe some historical context.

The mention of irony in the second real paragraph is good. You need to use the exclamation mark in the quote if you’re going to comment on it. But the use of it again in the 3rd paragraph, and the 3rd paragraph in general is repetitive and wouldn’t get you any marks, just waste time and maybe even lose a mark or two. The whole of the third paragraph could be scrapped or reworded around the quote to make it less repetitive. Try doing the quote at the start so you don’t just describe the scenery the poem describes. You could do a lot more in depth here.

Good mention of the rhyme scheme at the end. This should be used earlier on as it’s own paragraph and use a quote or two, to show the rhyme scheme and analyse more why this is important.
Last edited by Googley_eyes; 5 months ago
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kayla306
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#17
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#17
(Original post by Googley_eyes)
I’m not going through this in super amount of detail but based on what I know about this poem and the paragraphs, this would be about a grade 3 or a 4 max. None of the inference is anything impressive, it’s what anyone could infer so the examiner will read thousands of essays with the same comments, you need to figure out how to make yours stand out a bit. Idk what your school says but an introduction paragraph is useless (I got full marks in the real exam on this poem with no introduction and my school with super high grades in English told us not to do one).

I’d change powerful in the first real paragraph as you don’t want to explore the theme of power through the word power, as that doesn’t really make sense. Try something like influential. Linking harsh to a great warrior is a bit of a leap, you need something in the middle to lead them. Maybe some historical context.

The mention of irony in the second real paragraph is good. You need to use the exclamation mark in the quote if you’re going to comment on it. But the use of it again in the 3rd paragraph, and the 3rd paragraph in general is repetitive and wouldn’t get you any marks, just waste time and maybe even lose a mark or two. The whole of the third paragraph could be scrapped or reworded around the quote to make it less repetitive. Try doing the quote at the start so you don’t just describe the scenery the poem describes. You could do a lot more in depth here.

Good mention of the rhyme scheme at the end. This should be used earlier on as it’s own paragraph and use a quote or two, to show the rhyme scheme and analyse more why this is important.
Thank you.Cand I privae message you ?
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kayla306
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#18
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#18
(Original post by artful_lounger)
Note that you shouldn't post anything online you are planning to submit for any external assessments as they will be cached by google and flag as plagiarism when checked for that. However if this is just an assignment from your teacher or just practice for yourself, there is no issue - just remember that in future though and be careful what you post!
can you mark my work
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artful_lounger
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#19
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#19
(Original post by kayla306)
can you mark my work
As I said I'm not familiar with the GCSE marking rubric so I won't assign a numerical mark to it. I'm happy to provide qualitative feedback though as I have done above
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