Can someone critique my LNAT essay?

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CookieCannon
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#1
Report Thread starter 9 months ago
#1
This wasn't done in timed conditions and I am aware that I wrote too much, but I just wanted to get a feel of the structure first.

The internet and instant communication technologies are profoundly changing our world for the better. Do you agree?

The internet and instant communication technologies, like most modern-day developments, have both benefits and drawbacks to their use. For those who are able to access and afford the necessary technologies to use the internet, there is an endless array of information, services and uses to be consumed and engaged with. However, for some, the internet and everything it encapsulates could rather be more detrimental for individuals and instead worsen the world when assessed from an environmental viewpoint or when discussing for example, online bulling. Overall, from a western standpoint, I believe the internet and instant communication are profoundly changing our world for the better, but simultaneously creating a new set of unnavigated complications as well.

Whilst many only view the use of internet and instant communication from personal experiences, these technological advancements can help a less developed country grow its economy. A niche area that has succeeded in relation to this is the online microfinance business. With more than 3,000 companies today providing online loaning services, those from less developed countries can access these with the use of their internet and help lift individuals out of poverty. Moreover, farmers can access online calculations of weather to determine when and where to plant their crops, producing a more successful harvest. This benefits the individual by boosting their income, the locals for having more produce and in turn the national economy as more money is circulating the nation. These are only a few examples of the variety of ways a less developed country can boost their national economy and improve their country for the better. If for example, crops were able to be boosted in many developed countries that currently have minimised value from their harvests, there is potential for other less developed countries to benefit from the trade of these produce, benefitting many across the world.

Practicality wise, the internet provides instant access to services that were previously limited to in-person use. The ability to shop and sell online creates an immense amount of ease for all. Particularly, selling old clothes and items on the internet means that items can be reused rather than being disposed of, without a regard for the environment. The ability to connect with strangers such as this can be utilised in so many ways, even to fundraise. Those with hefty hospital bills or a dire need for money can nowadays even create a fundraising page online and gain help from strangers worldwide. This use of the internet is immensely beneficial and creates communities online to help others, changing our world for the better. Without this online service, those devastated individuals in desperate need of money may not have enough reach to fundraise enough of the money.

Furthermore, a recent development in many areas of the world is the ability to access school online. With the recent covid-19 pandemic, many students have been unable to attend school or university. However, an amazingly quick reaction to the lockdown that was enforced was the moving of school online onto platforms such as ‘Zoom’ and ‘Microsoft Teams’. Without these advancements, students globally would have missed much of their education, detrimentally damaging nations’ economies as other expensive arrangements would have had to be made to make up for the lost time. Therefore, the ever developing uses of the internet and instant communication technologies allows for instant solutions to worldwide complications and wider access of services to many.


On the other hand, without a view into what our world would be without technology, it is difficult to surmise whether our world had changed for the better. From an environmental viewpoint, it could be argued that these developments have aided in destroying our planet, particularly in more developed countries. The fossil fuels required to fuel the creation, maintenance and deposition of devices using the internet and instant communication technologies. Likewise, the use of services online such as shopping from large retailers creates a detrimental over-buying culture from consumers as our landfills worldwide becoming increasingly full of clothes that have only been worn once.

From a social view, instant communication technologies provide a platform for relentless online bullying and exposition of dangers, especially to children and younger teenagers. The mental illnesses that one can suffer from dangerous use of the internet give cause alone for the questioning of how beneficial internet access has been. To list a few, body dysmorphia, anxiety, insomnia, and anxiety are all illnesses that can be developed or worsened due to others’ misuse of the internet.

Overall, these concerns can be eased when considering the improvements businesses have made in improving the quality of their internet platforms. For example, many companies pledge to invest in certain environmental groups that undertake activities such as planting trees and improving sustainability in improving the environmental cost of internet use. Furthermore, individual social media platforms such as Instagram have recently added features such as turning off a posts comments and likes or adding child-protective modes to improve the safety of that platform. With these in mind, overall, it can be argued that the internet and instant communication technologies have profoundly changed our world for the better. The ability to connect with anyone globally in an instant and access services online were qualities that were simply unheard of 50 years and have benefitted many in improving their lifestyles, as well as national economies.
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McGinger
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#2
Report 9 months ago
#2
Too wordy - and far too long (there is no way you'll write more than 4 very brief paragraphs in the 40 mins of a real LNAT exam).

The style needs to be much more punchy and succinct. Your language is too flowery and complicated, and there are examples of poor grammar (ie. 'Practicality wise'). Use shorter sentences. They have more impact. Use phrases like 'on one hand', 'on the other hand' to present both sides of the argument is a very clear and direct way.

Recommended book - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-LN.../dp/0993231160
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CookieCannon
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#3
Report Thread starter 9 months ago
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(Original post by McGinger)
Too wordy - and far too long (there is no way you'll write more than 4 very brief paragraphs in the 40 mins of a real LNAT exam).

The style needs to be much more punchy and succinct. Your language is too flowery and complicated, and there are examples of poor grammar (ie. 'Practicality wise'). Use shorter sentences. They have more impact. Use phrases like 'on one hand', 'on the other hand' to present both sides of the argument is a very clear and direct way.

Recommended book - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-LN.../dp/0993231160
Thanks for the comments - I will make sure to amend these issues in my next essay!
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