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(TW: abuse story) Feel incredibly lonely in Private Accommodation

This is just me venting to myself, but some advice is also appreciated. Just be understanding, that's all.

It's Day 4, 2:58AM, finding it hard to sleep. My mattress spring aches my back, hopefully I can settle on finding a mattress topper soon. I chose to live to here to escape the s*xual abuse by a family member. I really wish I had a happy childhood. There were nights where I couldn't sleep without a tear in my eye. Why didn't he just stop? No means no. Why did it had to have happened in the first place? So many questions that will probably never get answered. None of my flatmates have moved in yet. I spend my days sorting out my room which does help but the lack of sleep doesn't. I heat up home made meals and eat in the kitchen made for four, surrounded by a long echo of silence. I fight this deafening noise with a TV show. It distracts me. Man, I want to cry, it helps me feel better. Is that weird? But I can't anymore, I don't know why. Maybe I'm too tired. Tired by everything. But I've come so far. The question remains: after all this trauma, when will I be the man I want to be?

Hope is near as my next therapy session is in a few hours. I do have friends but, it's been tough getting together. Nothing feels the same. Everything feels foreign now.

All I ever wanted was just a touch of real warmth. Not virtual (although I appreciate it) but real physical warmth. Holding her hand, a hug with our cheeks touching. Maybe I'm being melodramatic here, but that's just how I feel, unapologetically. I live for small moments like that. I don't want to push people away anymore. I don't want to avoid anymore. I think it's okay to be defenceless and let my guard down for you to understand me. Even if it just for a brief period of time. I might sound ambiguous but as long the gist is there with her, I don't have anything to fear anymore. I might have lost my hair, my love for my body and soul, but I reckon I can claim it back. I'm just scared of how long it will take. If God's real, do your magic. I beg. I just want to be happy, that's all.

thank you for reading fellow stranger.

xxx

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 1

Dianyi

Sorry to hear that. Let us know how ur therapy goes. Stay strong and safe. Which city are you in btw?

Reply 2

slade2236

Original post by johnc_1

This is just me venting to myself, but some advice is also appreciated. Just be understanding, that's all.

It's Day 4, 2:58AM, finding it hard to sleep. My mattress spring aches my back, hopefully I can settle on finding a mattress topper soon. I chose to live to here to escape the s*xual abuse by a family member. I really wish I had a happy childhood. There were nights were I couldn't sleep without a tear in my eye. Why didn't he just stop? No means no. Why did it had to have happened in the first place? So many questions that will probably never get answered. None of my flatmates have moved in yet. I spend my days sorting out my room which does help but the lack of sleep doesn't. I heat up home made meals and eat in the kitchen made for four, surrounded by a long echo of silence. I fight this deafening noise with a TV show. It distracts me. Man, I want to cry, it helps me feel better. Is that weird? But I can't anymore, I don't know why. Maybe I'm too tired. Tired by everything. But I've so far. the question remains: after all this trauma, when will I be the man I want to be?

Hope is near as my next therapy session is in a few hours. I do have friends but, it's been tough getting together. Nothing feels the same. Everything feels foreign now.

All I ever wanted was just a touch of real warmth. Not virtual (although I appreciate it) but real physical warmth. Holding her hand, a hug with our cheeks touching. Maybe I'm being melodramatic here, but that's just how I feel, unapologetically. I live for small moments like that. I don't want to push people away anymore. I don't want to avoid anymore. I think it's okay to be defenseless and let my guard down for you to understand me. Even if it just for a brief period of time. I might sound ambiguous but as long the gist is there with her, I don't have anything to fear anymore. I might have lost my hair, my love for my body and soul, but I reckon I can claim it back. I'm just scared of how long it will take. If God's real, do your magic. I beg. I just want to be happy, that's all.

thank you for reading fellow stranger.

xxx

Hi John, sending love to wherever you are, hope things get better soon :yy:

Reply 3

Scotney

Original post by johnc_1

This is just me venting to myself, but some advice is also appreciated. Just be understanding, that's all.

It's Day 4, 2:58AM, finding it hard to sleep. My mattress spring aches my back, hopefully I can settle on finding a mattress topper soon. I chose to live to here to escape the s*xual abuse by a family member. I really wish I had a happy childhood. There were nights were I couldn't sleep without a tear in my eye. Why didn't he just stop? No means no. Why did it had to have happened in the first place? So many questions that will probably never get answered. None of my flatmates have moved in yet. I spend my days sorting out my room which does help but the lack of sleep doesn't. I heat up home made meals and eat in the kitchen made for four, surrounded by a long echo of silence. I fight this deafening noise with a TV show. It distracts me. Man, I want to cry, it helps me feel better. Is that weird? But I can't anymore, I don't know why. Maybe I'm too tired. Tired by everything. But I've so far. the question remains: after all this trauma, when will I be the man I want to be?

Hope is near as my next therapy session is in a few hours. I do have friends but, it's been tough getting together. Nothing feels the same. Everything feels foreign now.

All I ever wanted was just a touch of real warmth. Not virtual (although I appreciate it) but real physical warmth. Holding her hand, a hug with our cheeks touching. Maybe I'm being melodramatic here, but that's just how I feel, unapologetically. I live for small moments like that. I don't want to push people away anymore. I don't want to avoid anymore. I think it's okay to be defenseless and let my guard down for you to understand me. Even if it just for a brief period of time. I might sound ambiguous but as long the gist is there with her, I don't have anything to fear anymore. I might have lost my hair, my love for my body and soul, but I reckon I can claim it back. I'm just scared of how long it will take. If God's real, do your magic. I beg. I just want to be happy, that's all.

thank you for reading fellow stranger.

xxx

You write beautifully btw.Hopefully this will be the beginning of a new chapter in your still very young life.Goodluck my friend.

Reply 4

username4899406

You will be. After hardship there always comes ease. If you can, try and get out a little bit, even just for some fresh air, to clear your head a bit.
Once your flatmates arrive and you have things to immerse yourself into it will feel a lot easier.

Hope the next session goes well for you. All the best and please do keep us updated

Reply 5

johnc_1

Original post by Dianyi

Sorry to hear that. Let us know how ur therapy goes. Stay strong and safe. Which city are you in btw?

Thank you for hearing me out :smile:

. Thank you to everyone for hearing me out. I am from London.

It's my 4-5th session, there was a long break due to the moving process. The session went great, she was so proud of me. I admit, I cried a bit during the session. My whole life began from ashes. The memories, they took a hold on me again. Usually I would go on a fit of rage, tensing my neck muscles and clenching my fist, and sometimes tugging on my hair that I've started to lose since teenage hood. Last week, I started to scratch the walls and even wrote a small confession in my built closet in case someone opens it and sees it. But today, I let go a little bit. I felt a bit more peaceful. I might have not slept properly but I didn't wake up to screams and broken glasses from downstairs. A dark part of me misses it, even though I hated it. I am infected. Maybe because I was just so used to the noise. But I know it's wrong. Trust me, I know.

I showed her a virtual tour. She also said that I have a nice face lol (she's not flirting). I am still getting used to compliments. Overall, she was just proud of me. I told her about some issues I had been facing since coming here and she gave some advice. She encourages me to think for myself and take initiative, something someone never taught me.

Life is weird. I already cried 3 times today. I will go out on a walk. If anyone sees me, they wouldn't assume this story about me. I just look like a normal Londoner, I wear headphones, walk with my hands in my pocket and occasionally say sorry for standing in someone's way. I will take a walk again and maybe write down how I feel. Great, I am tearing up again.

Reply 6

johnc_1

Original post by slade2236

Hi John, sending love to wherever you are, hope things get better soon :yy:

Thank you, you too!

Reply 7

johnc_1

Original post by Scotney

You write beautifully btw.Hopefully this will be the beginning of a new chapter in your still very young life.Goodluck my friend.

I appreciate it! I am working on my prose in this narrative therapy. I am working on a novel based on my life. I gave myself a year to finish up a draft.