I wanted my mental health to get worse. Does that mean I was faking it [TW]

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Wilby02
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TW// mentions of suicide and self harm (please stay safe and do not read if you are sensitive to this stuff)

Hi! I would like to preface this by saying I am not diagnosed with any mental illness. I had a bad experience with trying to get diagnosed with depression two years ago, and have been too afraid to go back.So recently, in one of my low periods where I had started self-harming and thinking about attempting suicide (I'm in a better place now, pls do not worry about me friend), I had a desire for my mental health to get worse. As this sounds weird, I'll elaborate. I wanted my mental health to get worse so I would end up killing myself. I just never wanted to get better. So many people talk about not wanting to loose their fight to depression, but I really wanted to ****ing loose. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience. Does this mean I am just attention seeking or faking it?
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sunshinehss
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I don't think you were faking it, it just sounds like you were fed up (?) with life atp. Perhaps a gross understatement.

Remember if you feel in a low place there's always someone who can listen such as the Samaritans - 116 123 🧡
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Wilby02
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(Original post by sunshinehss)
I don't think you were faking it, it just sounds like you were fed up (?) with life atp. Perhaps a gross understatement.

Remember if you feel in a low place there's always someone who can listen such as the Samaritans - 116 123 🧡
Thank u for the reply, I think hearing someone say i wasnt faking it makes me feel a lot let stressed (if that even makes sense lol). Have a great day, friend!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Wilby02)
Thank u for the reply, I think hearing someone say i wasnt faking it makes me feel a lot let stressed (if that even makes sense lol). Have a great day, friend!
Hey, I have that too and it makes no damn sense. Like, when I'm severely low I want to get better because I'm sick of dealing with my episodes, but when I'm well I don't trust my brain to stay that way so I make myself want to feel lower to not be disappointed if I do get low again. I always feel as though I fake it, or I have that illness where you always want to be ill (forgot what it's called). I just feel as though initially I wanted to get better but the episodes are so tiring and I just cba to go on with them any longer.
So yeah I get them too lol, you're not alone and not faking it
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Napp
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(Original post by Wilby02)
TW// mentions of suicide and self harm (please stay safe and do not read if you are sensitive to this stuff)

Hi! I would like to preface this by saying I am not diagnosed with any mental illness. I had a bad experience with trying to get diagnosed with depression two years ago, and have been too afraid to go back.So recently, in one of my low periods where I had started self-harming and thinking about attempting suicide (I'm in a better place now, pls do not worry about me friend), I had a desire for my mental health to get worse. As this sounds weird, I'll elaborate. I wanted my mental health to get worse so I would end up killing myself. I just never wanted to get better. So many people talk about not wanting to loose their fight to depression, but I really wanted to ****ing loose. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience. Does this mean I am just attention seeking or faking it?
I'm not surwe if its the way your phrasing it that makes it sound weird but plenty of people with depression end up idealizing suicide as a way out. Wanting their mental health to get to the point that suicide becomes a priority is not something ive heard of before..
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Moonlight Rain
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I was going to say "someone who truly was experiencing mental health issues would never wish for it to be worse" mental health issues are the absolute worst. But you are clearly struggling. You should wish to get better and not worse
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