Things aren't getting better with my parent even though I'm twenty

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Anonymous #1
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This is a long rant post and tbh if u don't wanna read about a girl ranting about her controlling mother than click on another post.

Anyway it's important to bear in mind when reading this I'm 20,a girl, and I study at a uni a little far from where I live. I have never really worked so I have little financial independence.

Since I was young my mum has always been protective even at 16 she wouldn't let me go out with friends unless she escorted us where we went. I don't exactly live in the safest area so I didn't make too much of a fuss when I was young.However, now I'm twenty and having a 6pm curfew when I go out is getting a little old and to be quite frank pissing me off.Not to mention having to report where I go and needing permission for what to wear.

I'm not even allowed to go to my local mini shop which is less than 5 minutes away without having someone escort me. I can't go to the train station which is about 15 minutes away without one either. I can't even open my door to deliveries or anyone who isn't family.But she acts like I get so much freedom when I am home and acts like me being shy is the reason I don't get invited out. As u can imagine not a lot of twenty year olds like having to come home at 6pm when going out. So tbh my friends back home don't even bother asking me hang out that much. And I don't really blame them if I was them I wouldn't want to either.

The only time I get independence is when I stay at uni accommodation but now I am in my second year and I can't afford to live at uni anymore.Especially if there is a chance there won't even be online learning. Even when I am at uni she calls everyday and sometimes if I miss calls or try to get out of them she will threaten to pull me out of uni and call me ungrateful.
Tbh I could write so many examples of the way she overreacts about these things.

If ur wondering why I don't just get a job and move out there's a couple of reasons and if I am perfectly honest most are just excuses honestly nothing scares me more than the thought of getting a job. Even taking the train or bus alone makes me nervous it was something I was never allowed to do until I went to uni at 18. My mum also has certain rules about what job I can have and says I can't have jobs where I will work too much or be watched by men. Like hotels, waitressing or working at a shop. But I'm a uni student with limited work experience and not so great A levels is there even anything else I can do.

I don't even know what response I am expecting with this post I just felt better writing it down. I know this isn't gonna be the end of my issues with her anyway she even wants me to only have a husband out of the ones she is gonna pick for me. In her plan for my life I will be obedient to her whims until I am 25 and then to my husbands for the rest of it. Her words not mine.
Sorry for the bad grammar btw
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Anonymous #2
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I’m sorry girl but Why does it feel like I’m reading my life, are you from a south asian background by any chance?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m sorry girl but Why does it feel like I’m reading my life, are you from a south asian background by any chance?
lol yeah I'm Sri Lankan and Turkish
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gman9999
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(Original post by Anonymous)
lol yeah I'm Sri Lankan and Turkish
Are you muslim?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by gman9999)
Are you muslim?
she is I'm not she doesn't't know that though
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gman9999
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(Original post by Anonymous)
she is I'm not she doesn't't know that though
And is your mum turkish or sri lankan?
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Anonymous #1
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why is that important?
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gman9999
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(Original post by Anonymous)
why is that important?
I mean sri lankan and turkish muslims tend to be more progressive and liberal, i just find it odd they are behaving this strictly..
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Anonymous #1
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Sorry for the harsh seeming response it's just theres a reason I wrote this anonymously lol. Tbh she in her family no one is muslim she is actually mixed race with an English father and an Asian mother. She decided to become muslim due to the influence of her boyfriend and our neighbours at least that what other family members tell me I wasn't alive when she converted. So maybe those peoples influence is why she is so strict. But it is also partially as I mentioned I don't live in the safest area.
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gman9999
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry for the harsh seeming response it's just theres a reason I wrote this anonymously lol. Tbh she in her family no one is muslim she is actually mixed race with an English father and an Asian mother. She decided to become muslim due to the influence of her boyfriend and our neighbours at least that what other family members tell me I wasn't alive when she converted. So maybe those peoples influence is why she is so strict. But it is also partially as I mentioned I don't live in the safest area.
she has probably been through some really bad things which may have led her to become a strict muslim and she wants to safeguard you from those bad things. It may seem bad now but when youre older you’ll thank her for keeping you away from all the “typical” and tbh overrated, bad things 20 year olds are so attracted by.
Last edited by gman9999; 6 days ago
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black tea
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Very much appreciate the cultural aspect of this, but could you not come to some compromises? You are, after all, an adult and you live in a free country... What would you mum actually do if you told her you were coming home at, say, 9pm rather than 6pm? You could always text her to let her know you are safe whilst you are out? Same with the phone calls - send a text to say you are fine but can't speak right now, but that you will call her back when you are free. You just have to start setting some boundaries and not letting her control your life - it's not like you are doing anything wild, by the sounds of things, so perhaps she will learn to trust you more if you show her that you can be sensible despite not following her rules.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by black tea)
Very much appreciate the cultural aspect of this, but could you not come to some compromises? You are, after all, an adult and you live in a free country... What would you mum actually do if you told her you were coming home at, say, 9pm rather than 6pm? You could always text her to let her know you are safe whilst you are out? Same with the phone calls - send a text to say you are fine but can't speak right now, but that you will call her back when you are free. You just have to start setting some boundaries and not letting her control your life - it's not like you are doing anything wild, by the sounds of things, so perhaps she will learn to trust you more if you show her that you can be sensible despite not following her rules.
I don't know how she would react everyone tells me to do what you recommended and its sound advice. But when your really in the situation it's not as easy as it seems and I know this is an excuse but doing that is scary for me. As I mentioned she is one for over reacting about me not doing as I am told threatening to pull me out of uni, sending me multiple phone calls if I miss one, swearing at me and putting me down, calling my friends and other family members to force me into it or to find where I am if I refuse to pick up or try to set a boundary. Also my older brother was very mischievous before me her response was to throw him out of the house and make him live with my gran. Their relationship is now always sour. I'm scared to be treated that way and I feel that my unrelenting obedience is the only thing protecting me.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't know how she would react everyone tells me to do what you recommended and its sound advice. But when your really in the situation it's not as easy as it seems and I know this is an excuse but doing that is scary for me. As I mentioned she is one for over reacting about me not doing as I am told threatening to pull me out of uni, sending me multiple phone calls if I miss one, swearing at me and putting me down, calling my friends and other family members to force me into it or to find where I am if I refuse to pick up or try to set a boundary. Also my older brother was very mischievous before me her response was to throw him out of the house and make him live with my gran. Their relationship is now always sour. I'm scared to be treated that way and I feel that my unrelenting obedience is the only thing protecting me.
I should mention unrelenting is a stretch actually I try to fight her on these things but she is not one for changing her mind.
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black tea
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't know how she would react everyone tells me to do what you recommended and its sound advice. But when your really in the situation it's not as easy as it seems and I know this is an excuse but doing that is scary for me. As I mentioned she is one for over reacting about me not doing as I am told threatening to pull me out of uni, sending me multiple phone calls if I miss one, swearing at me and putting me down, calling my friends and other family members to force me into it or to find where I am if I refuse to pick up or try to set a boundary. Also my older brother was very mischievous before me her response was to throw him out of the house and make him live with my gran. Their relationship is now always sour. I'm scared to be treated that way and I feel that my unrelenting obedience is the only thing protecting me.
Yes, I know it’s not easy. And I did what I was told too, including being pressured into a relationship I didn’t want to be in, and it irreversibly screwed up my life. Stand up for yourself, even if she tries to manipulate you. She can’t pull you out of uni - how could she possibly, you are an adult! And it sound like she is not forcing you stay at home if you have been living at uni, so is there really no way you could move out into a house share or something like that (it can be cheaper than uni accommodation)? Or are there any other family members you could stay with (ones who would be less controlling)?

I totally appreciate what a difficult situation this is, but it will cause you more harm than good if you stay in that environment. You are being emotionally abused. It may be worth looking into charities and services for BAME women as they may be able to provide advice and support and will have a better understanding of the cultural aspect of your situation. I'm sorry you are going through all this,
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by black tea)
Yes, I know it’s not easy. And I did what I was told too, including being pressured into a relationship I didn’t want to be in, and it irreversibly screwed up my life. Stand up for yourself, even if she tries to manipulate you. She can’t pull you out of uni - how could she possibly, you are an adult! And it sound like she is not forcing you stay at home if you have been living at uni, so is there really no way you could move out into a house share or something like that (it can be cheaper than uni accommodation)? Or are there any other family members you could stay with (ones who would be less controlling)?

I totally appreciate what a difficult situation this is, but it will cause you more harm than good if you stay in that environment. You are being emotionally abused. It may be worth looking into charities and services for BAME women as they may be able to provide advice and support and will have a better understanding of the cultural aspect of your situation. I'm sorry you are going through all this,
Thank you for writing this I'm going to look into the things you have mentioned you have helped me a lot.
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black tea
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you for writing this I'm going to look into the things you have mentioned you have helped me a lot.
Good luck
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