How can I make it up to my bf?

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Anonymous #1
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Been together 3 years. He’s fed up as I get really angry sometimes when there’s misunderstandings and then we argue. We live an hour from each other and he always comes to see me, I haven’t been to him yet. I feel it would be simpler if we were closer. He also always pays for things including trips, dinners etc. He feels it’s one sided and that I don’t show him love at all. He’s telling me he’s done but I know there’s some part of him that isn’t, but he tells me I manipulate him. We also started going for therapy (he paid for it) but I never used the strategies she said…so he’s annoyed with that.

Is there any way I can try to make it up to him?
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Anonymous #1
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I know he’s a really good guy and we can both make changes. I know i will struggle to find someone like him.
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TonyKhan
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Been together 3 years. He’s fed up as I get really angry sometimes when there’s misunderstandings and then we argue. We live an hour from each other and he always comes to see me, I haven’t been to him yet. I feel it would be simpler if we were closer. He also always pays for things including trips, dinners etc. He feels it’s one sided and that I don’t show him love at all. He’s telling me he’s done but I know there’s some part of him that isn’t, but he tells me I manipulate him. We also started going for therapy (he paid for it) but I never used the strategies she said…so he’s annoyed with that.

Is there any way I can try to make it up to him?
Help him in difficult times then he will know that its not one sided..
Remember relationships takes alot of energy and effort and sacrifices
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1582
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The best way to make it up to him is by showing him that you can change. Adult relationships require calm communication where you need to show that you are considerate of the other person's feelings even at times you disagree. Next time that there is an argument, try to be more patient. Let him speak, listen atentatively, and if you feel yourself getting angry stop and take a few deep breaths before responding rather than jumping into a shouting match or typing long messages. Try to put yourself in his shoes and make an effort to understand why he might feel that way, and make an effort to acknowledge that his feelings are valid even if you have a differing viewpoint .

Do you make the effort to reach out first, ask about his day, organise dates, and listen to him speak about his interests (particularly ones that you may not be into) at length? All of these things show interest and make a relationship feel less one-sided.

You've also mentioned that he is the one to travel to you and he also pays for the dates. Is that also a point of contention? If so, the simplest solution there is to make the effort to go to him and offer to pay sometimes.
Last edited by 1582; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by TonyKhan)
Help him in difficult times then he will know that its not one sided..
Remember relationships takes alot of energy and effort and sacrifices
Thing is he’s not a very open person so this is a tricky one. He doesn’t like to talk about difficult topics. So he tries to stay positive most of the time
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by 1582)
The best way to make it up to him is by showing him that you can change. Adult relationships require calm communication where you need to show that you are considerate of the other person's feelings even at times you disagree. Next time that there is an argument, try to be more patient. Let him speak, listen atentatively, and if you feel yourself getting angry stop and take a few deep breaths before responding rather than jumping into a shouting match or typing long messages. Try to put yourself in his shoes and make an effort to understand why he might feel that way, and make an effort to acknowledge that his feelings are valid.

Do you make the effort to reach out first, ask about his day, organise dates, and listen to him speak about his interests (particularly ones that you may not be into) at length? All of these things show interest and make a relationship feel less one-sided.

You've also mentioned that he is the one to travel to you and he also pays for the dates. Is that also a point of contention? If so, the simplest solution there is to make the effort to go to him and offer to pay sometimes.
Thanks so much. Yes , the main thing that’s got us in this pickle is the fact that we bicker over message. Then when we meet up we are fine and can talk things through in an adult manner.

I don’t reach out first I guess I’ve gotten so used to him just being the one to initiate. I don’t even call him as I wait for his calls everyday…then he gets frustrated that I never pick up the phone to call him. So I guess he feels like if it wasn’t for him there would be no communication, which isn’t true.

I don’t have a car and the train takes 2h30 min to get to his (1 hour car journey) . But I can do it.

Right now he’s telling me he’s done and he can’t forgive me (I’ve said some mean things). So I don’t know if I should just accept this and move on
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TonyKhan
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You reminding me of my relationship with afghan girl
As im the one doing things ..one sided 🤣😢 cant move from her...

If u love him truly..he wont be able to move from you
Dont worry hes not showing his weakness to you i know ..we boys take ages to move from one girl its too painful
He just frustrated but aint leaving y
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by TonyKhan)
You reminding me of my relationship with afghan girl
As im the one doing things ..one sided 🤣😢 cant move from her...

If u love him truly..he wont be able to move from you
Dont worry hes not showing his weakness to you i know ..we boys take ages to move from one girl its too painful
He just frustrated but aint leaving y
He’s literally told me he wants a happy life and he can move on from this easily because he remembers all the bad things I’ve said. We’ve been in this position before and I haven’t really made an effort since so he keeps telling me he feels in being manipulative by telling him I’ll change when he doesn’t think I will.
But it does sound like he’s done?
A few weeks ago he took me away on a really nice trip, made such a huge effort and bought me lots of nice things and booked amazing dinners. I can’t forget things like that and how now he seems to just want to cut me off
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Been together 3 years. He’s fed up as I get really angry sometimes when there’s misunderstandings and then we argue. We live an hour from each other and he always comes to see me, I haven’t been to him yet. I feel it would be simpler if we were closer. He also always pays for things including trips, dinners etc. He feels it’s one sided and that I don’t show him love at all. He’s telling me he’s done but I know there’s some part of him that isn’t, but he tells me I manipulate him. We also started going for therapy (he paid for it) but I never used the strategies she said…so he’s annoyed with that.

Is there any way I can try to make it up to him?
A relationship is a two way street, and this is all one way.

Lucky you, I guess, but if you want to keep him, you will have to make more of an effort. You are not willing to learn from the therapy, either!

Finally, he has had enough and knows he can do better. There are plenty of caring girls out there.

Put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel if you had to pay for everything, have an argumentative boyfriend and feel uncared for?

If you don't feel anything for him, do the decent thing and let him go.

Also learn from the experience. Maybe you know deep inside he is not "the one", and that is why you are not making the effort.

This relationship really has no future.
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TonyKhan
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He’s literally told me he wants a happy life and he can move on from this easily because he remembers all the bad things I’ve said. We’ve been in this position before and I haven’t really made an effort since so he keeps telling me he feels in being manipulative by telling him I’ll change when he doesn’t think I will.
But it does sound like he’s done?
A few weeks ago he took me away on a really nice trip, made such a huge effort and bought me lots of nice things and booked amazing dinners. I can’t forget things like that and how now he seems to just want to cut me off
He invested alot in you
I dont think he can cut you off easily
Theres some misunderstandings between you too that u both need figure out
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
A relationship is a two way street, and this is all one way.

Lucky you, I guess, but if you want to keep him, you will have to make more of an effort. You are not willing to learn from the therapy, either!

Finally, he has had enough and knows he can do better. There are plenty of caring girls out there.

Put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel if you had to pay for everything, have an argumentative boyfriend and feel uncared for?

If you don't feel anything for him, do the decent thing and let him go.

Also learn from the experience. Maybe you know deep inside he is not "the one", and that is why you are not making the effort.

This relationship really has no future.
I understand that. I am a very caring person and am often told this by people. I’ve had a tough year and I haven’t put anything in to the relationship mostly for this reason. I understand he is drained but I’m very willing to change for him…I feel if I felt nothing for him I’d find it easy to cut him off. But I can’t let him go, I do really really love him.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by TonyKhan)
He invested alot in you
I dont think he can cut you off easily
Theres some misunderstandings between you too that u both need figure out
He’s not willing to figure it out anymore as he feels we’ve done this too many times. He’s even said we’re not meant to be. I think he’s more willing to cut me off because he has invested so much… he doesn’t want to carry on wasting his time and money on me.
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
He’s literally told me he wants a happy life and he can move on from this easily because he remembers all the bad things I’ve said. We’ve been in this position before and I haven’t really made an effort since so he keeps telling me he feels in being manipulative by telling him I’ll change when he doesn’t think I will.
But it does sound like he’s done?
A few weeks ago he took me away on a really nice trip, made such a huge effort and bought me lots of nice things and booked amazing dinners. I can’t forget things like that and how now he seems to just want to cut me off
Just to let you know, I have just come out of a relationship like yours, but I was the one hard done to.

To forget him, I just made a list of all the uncaring things he has done/not done. I filled 3 x A4 sheets of paper. When he dumped me, my son and I went out for a meal to celebrate. From now on, 2nd August is "Getting rid of .... day".

We do some great impressions of him and laugh at him daily.

Recently I dropped my phone (I blocked him the day it was over). I also changed jobs (he was a co-worker). This gave him an opportunity to contact me again via WhatsApp. I knew if I replied, he would drag me back to the same subservient position as before, so I immediately blocked him and deleted the chat. I don't regret it for a single moment, and never will.
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TonyKhan
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I understand that. I am a very caring person and am often told this by people. I’ve had a tough year and I haven’t put anything in to the relationship mostly for this reason. I understand he is drained but I’m very willing to change for him…I feel if I felt nothing for him I’d find it easy to cut him off. But I can’t let him go, I do really really love him.
If he loves you he will be coming back no matter what he says
And if he doesn't then cut him and move forward
And So if u think he loves you then dont cut him off
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twinklelittlstar
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hey. tbh it sounds like u need to get ur shiz together. do u want to fight for the relationship or not? like user above said with all the tips to keep it cool in arguments, u urself admit u are too short tempered at times. u are aware of ur flaws, then try to become a better version of urself. take deep breaths, let him express what he feels, but most of all, if u guys are going to therapy, follow through with what the therapist recommends. if u don’t even do that, idk bout u, but from here it looks like u don’t give a flying f*ck. also, i get that you’re used to him initiating all contact, paying, and him going to see u, but if this situation is a dealbreaker- and it sounds like it is, if he’s telling u he feels like this is one sided- then u need to make the effort. if u want this to work, at least. but be honest and straightforward, ffs. don’t make promises about changing if you know you aren’t going to make the effort to change. that IS manipulation as I see it. so yes, get ur **** together or be done with it, but don’t string him along w fake promises and bs.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by TonyKhan)
If he loves you he will be coming back no matter what he says
And if he doesn't then cut him and move forward
And So if u think he loves you then dont cut him off
I know he loves me , even though he’s just told me he doesn’t (he’s upset). But I know that if we’re done, we’re done. He wouldn’t come back for me
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by twinklelittlstar)
hey. tbh it sounds like u need to get ur shiz together. do u want to fight for the relationship or not? like user above said with all the tips to keep it cool in arguments, u urself admit u are too short tempered at times. u are aware of ur flaws, then try to become a better version of urself. take deep breaths, let him express what he feels, but most of all, if u guys are going to therapy, follow through with what the therapist recommends. if u don’t even do that, idk bout u, but from here it looks like u don’t give a flying f*ck. also, i get that you’re used to him initiating all contact, paying, and him going to see u, but if this situation is a dealbreaker- and it sounds like it is, if he’s telling u he feels like this is one sided- then u need to make the effort. if u want this to work, at least. but be honest and straightforward, ffs. don’t make promises about changing if you know you aren’t going to make the effort to change. that IS manipulation as I see it. so yes, get ur **** together or be done with it, but don’t string him along w fake promises and bs.
Thank you. He’s telling me he’s given me too many chances and is basically refusing to let me make it up to him. So I am at a loss of what to do?
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know he loves me , even though he’s just told me he doesn’t (he’s upset). But I know that if we’re done, we’re done. He wouldn’t come back for me
tbh that does seem like you're being manipulative
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by twinklelittlstar)
hey. tbh it sounds like u need to get ur shiz together. do u want to fight for the relationship or not? like user above said with all the tips to keep it cool in arguments, u urself admit u are too short tempered at times. u are aware of ur flaws, then try to become a better version of urself. take deep breaths, let him express what he feels, but most of all, if u guys are going to therapy, follow through with what the therapist recommends. if u don’t even do that, idk bout u, but from here it looks like u don’t give a flying f*ck. also, i get that you’re used to him initiating all contact, paying, and him going to see u, but if this situation is a dealbreaker- and it sounds like it is, if he’s telling u he feels like this is one sided- then u need to make the effort. if u want this to work, at least. but be honest and straightforward, ffs. don’t make promises about changing if you know you aren’t going to make the effort to change. that IS manipulation as I see it. so yes, get ur **** together or be done with it, but don’t string him along w fake promises and bs.
Top post.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
tbh that does seem like you're being manipulative
How can I show him that I want to change and will follow through with it? I’m coming from the heart but he doesn’t want anything to do with me
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