Clubbing - making girls uncomfortable without realising...?

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Anonymous #1
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I had a pretty bad clubbing experience last night and wanted to ask for some opinions. It was me, my best friend and two others in our friend group.

I've danced with one of the two friends (a girl) before at clubs and we were doing so again last night. I asked her if she was comfortable and she assured me she was so we continued what we were doing. Then later on I had a dance with one of my best friend's work colleagues who had come along. She was talking to loads of guys. My best friend tried to say something to me at this time but I couldn't hear him cause of the music volume.

When we got out I asked what he'd been trying to say, and he said I'd been making his colleague uncomfortable when I had my hands on her. I had seen no signs of this while we were dancing, and when she went off I just left her alone, as I take that as a sign that a girl's no longer interested.

I caught the girl and said sorry if I made her uncomfortable. She said she didn't know what my best friend was talking about and we were "all good".

I followed this up with my best friend and he said he could tell she actually was uncomfortable but she just wouldn't admit to it. He said I was also making our friend uncomfortable, despite her saying she was fine. I got very upset here, cause obviously the last thing I wanna do is make women feel that way.

My best friend told me not to worry, said he knew I didn't mean to, etc. but I couldn't stop feeling bad. I asked how on Earth I was meant to know if I was making a girl feel that way if she says she's fine, and he said it's quite a complicated issue and you have to pick up on certain cues.

Does anyone have anything further to add to his advice? How can I stop such a thing happening again...?
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SlaveofAll
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You may consider taking a brief break from clubbing for a while and using that time to think how you can talk to female clubbers without coming off as offensive.
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rosy_posy
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Don't touch women when clubbing :doh:
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Chief Wiggum
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So your male friend said you made a girl uncomfortable, but the girl herself said it was fine?

To be honest, it sounds as if your male friend is trying to create unnecessary drama. I think you are worrying unnecessarily.
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Surnia
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Depends where you were putting your hands and if it was really necessary to do so when dancing, but maybe your friend is a bit jealous? I really don't think there's an issue.
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Anonymous #2
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Lmao your friend just sounds jealous.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
Depends where you were putting your hands and if it was really necessary to do so when dancing, but maybe your friend is a bit jealous? I really don't think there's an issue.
I wasn't putting them anywhere inappropriate, obviously - mainly round the shoulders and upper backs. I also locked hands with both of them too.
(Original post by Anonymous)
Lmao your friend just sounds jealous.
Possibly, but he himself has a girlfriend (very close and long-term). I'm single of course.
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1582
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It doesn't sound like your friend is capable of reading people very well if multiple women have told you how they felt and it didn't line-up with his interpretation.
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Anonymous #1
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Also, when I got upset, he told me not to worry about it and said I was beginning to overthink things. He said something like - "You made a girl slightly uncomfortable, I've told you about it, and that should be the end of the discussion".
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Also, when I got upset, he told me not to worry about it and said I was beginning to overthink things. He said something like - "You made a girl slightly uncomfortable, I've told you about it, and that should be the end of the discussion".
No offence but he sounds very annoying.
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rosy_posy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Also, when I got upset, he told me not to worry about it and said I was beginning to overthink things. He said something like - "You made a girl slightly uncomfortable, I've told you about it, and that should be the end of the discussion".
He sounds overly defensive of the girl. She said she was fine with you touching her, so I don't know why your friend is adamant that she wasn't. I'm getting the impression he's a bit possessive.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by rosy_posy)
He sounds overly defensive of the girl. She said she was fine with you touching her, so I don't know why your friend is adamant that she wasn't. I'm getting the impression he's a bit possessive.
The reasons he gave for her saying it was fine was her not wanting to admit being uncomfortable cause it's awkward for some girls and also cause she was drunk (not very drunk of course, but we'd both had a few). He said he could tell how she was feeling cause he's worked with her over a year and apparently she was giving him some looks...?
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1582
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(Original post by Anonymous)
...and apparently she was giving him some looks...?
Maybe she just didn't like him watching you two dance.
Last edited by 1582; 4 weeks ago
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rosy_posy
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The reasons he gave for her saying it was fine was her not wanting to admit being uncomfortable cause it's awkward for some girls and also cause she was drunk (not very drunk of course, but we'd both had a few). He said he could tell how she was feeling cause he's worked with her over a year and apparently she was giving him some looks...?
She might have been worried about how you'd react if she said she wasn't okay with it. But from what you put in your first post she sounds pretty chill about it so I think your friend is overreacting tbh.
Girls can give guys looks for many reasons (annoyance, flirting, 'help me') - it could have been any of those.
Try clubbing without your friend next time if he is going to be breathing down your neck.
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3mptyhead
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This is a very complicated one.. it could be 2 things 1- your friend is jealous and trying to stir the situation to make you the bad guy/ break you apart from the girls.
or the girls actually are uncomfortable and didn't admit to it because they didn't want to offend you. It is safer to believe the latter as this is such a sensitive situation. I'll be honest i've had male friends that i've felt uncomfortable with at certain points for similar reasons but i just haven't said anything cause i didn't want to make him feel weird and i know his intentions weren't weird so i just put up with the uncomfortableness for the sake of not putting a dampener on the night.. many girls hate being touched by any guy unless they are dating or she is interested in that way so even if you are super close friends i would say please refrain from these types of touching unless she instigates it. cause im sure many other girls are like me with this
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by 3mptyhead)
This is a very complicated one.. it could be 2 things 1- your friend is jealous and trying to stir the situation to make you the bad guy/ break you apart from the girls.
or the girls actually are uncomfortable and didn't admit to it because they didn't want to offend you. It is safer to believe the latter as this is such a sensitive situation. I'll be honest i've had male friends that i've felt uncomfortable with at certain points for similar reasons but i just haven't said anything cause i didn't want to make him feel weird and i know his intentions weren't weird so i just put up with the uncomfortableness for the sake of not putting a dampener on the night.. many girls hate being touched by any guy unless they are dating or she is interested in that way so even if you are super close friends i would say please refrain from these types of touching unless she instigates it. cause im sure many other girls are like me with this
That's great advice, thank you so much! Regardless of who's in the right, I'm definitely gonna think more carefully about how I interact with girls in these settings from now on...
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Chief Wiggum
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(Original post by 3mptyhead)
please refrain from these types of touching unless she instigates it. cause im sure many other girls are like me with this
So it's OK for the girl to instigate it, but not the guy? That seems very hypocritical and inconsistent.
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Anonymous #1
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Looks like he was definitely wrong about the other friend - just spoke to her on the phone and she assured me she didn't feel uncomfortable with the dance in any way, shape or form. The only reason my best friend might have thought she was on edge was cause she was slightly uncomfortable in general with all the other guys around - apparently someone groped her at the bar at one point
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3mptyhead
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(Original post by Chief Wiggum)
So it's OK for the girl to instigate it, but not the guy? That seems very hypocritical and inconsistent.
:confused: before you jump on this one, i was referring to his situation i wasn't talking about all guys in general. He very clearly is okay with them touching him.
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Anonymous #4
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As a hetero man, I pull women at clubs. Never touch a woman without her permission while clubbing, that is vile behaviour.
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