I am in a very dark place. And I don't know how to get out

I've been in university for 2 years now. I started with a course in civil engineering which was completely overwhelming. Long story short, I felt I couldn't continue and so I opted to change course to something very different. Politics, Philosophy and Economics .

I definitely enjoyed this course much more for a while but both my mental health paired with the lockdown, the building expectations around me and a deep rooted feeling that I just wasn't as good as what people thought I was and that university was really my only option at not being a failure.

A couple months into my course it was getting really bad, I would be getting very dark recurring thoughts which I don't really want to go into in a great amount of detail here. It has been affecting my sleep and my ability to focus. I have little motivation to form any sort of relationships since the burden of doing so seems too great, it feels selfish to me to make friends just in an attempt to feel better and risk hurting anyone or simply making things harder for others by making them worry about me all the time.

Losing sleep one night would very easily lead to missing classes which would in turn make me feel worse and lead me to a downward spiral. Fast forward another month and I'm scared to reach out at all despite knowing I'm beginning to fail, I feel like I've failed my classmates and don't want to confront them, I feel like I've neglected my responsibility to notify my tutors and professors why I'm missing classes and scared they've already started treating me as a lost cause.

I lied to my family because the one thing I never wanted to do was make them worry and make them think for a second that they had failed to support me because I was feeling this way. I told them my studies were fine and any problems that happened I would make up reasons for them so that they wouldn't dig too deep. I lied about my finances, photoshopping my online banking pages to show a plentiful amount so they didn't think I was struggling.

Fast forward again to now. I've missed not only most exams, but most supplementary exams, I've ghosted my classmates and my tutor and without a doubt in my mind, I've failed this year.

The biggest worry for me now is that I have already now been studying for 2 years. Retaking the first year will involve 3 more years of study and thus will likely leave me having to fund the first year myself which is definitely not going to be possible. I can't see myself managing to get into an apprenticeship even if I felt I wanted to and in the miniscule chance I can move onto the second year while trying to catch up, I'd need to work on both years as well as my mental health all at the same time which feels massively overwhelming.

I have often thought and tried to prepare myself to call various mental health call centres but could never bring myself to. Just recently my mum had caught onto my low mood whenever it came to talking about my work or my social life, of which I've really given up with now. I ended up slipping in that I wasn't doing as well as I was letting on with my grades which led to a discussion about what was going on.

Much of what I have said here I have now said to my mum. She has obviously told most of my other family who I have yet to speak to and dread the thought of doing so. She has suggested I seek medical help and speak to both my tutor and university counseling services about whether I could continue on while receiving any required support or possibly try another route with an apprenticeship. I should mention she has not been to university or knows much about it, so alot of what she says I'm still not sure how possible it even is.

I will be speaking to my tutor today with the help of my mum to see what my options are, but I would still greatly appreciate anyone who even relates to any of this to share their experiences or advice. Even if you aren't failing, don't have the same mental health problems or even are just knowledgeable in any of these areas, any help is appreciated.

I feel like I'm reaching a dead end and my options have been exhausted due to the fact I never had the courage to act. And I'm thankful to anyone who read all of this and sorry if this was too heavy.

I just feel like I desperately need help.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

A councellor would definitely be a great choice if you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with them, taking a step back from your studies and finding your footing again might be helpful in organising your thoughts better and possibly finding an alternative to your current path.

I encourage you to reach out to someone as your feelings are valid and you deserve all the help that is possible.

Reply 2

black tea

Your mum is correct, you need to seek medical help.

Reply 3

Anonymous #3

Thank you for sharing. Much of what you said I can associate with. I too feel this way and feel like I'm heading towards inevitable disaster, only being earlier on this road than you are, but this is pretty much what I fear it is leading to. The feeling of wanting to hide away from everyone and the world, of impending disaster, of wanting to escape and to have a break from it all, of not coping.

It takes courage to seek help. It is good that you are now. Don't forget that your feelings are valid.

Reply 4

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

I have spoken to some counsellors, who have gaslighting tendencies, telling me that what I am feeling is something else entirely or did not believe me. Made me feel far worse. Hence, don't forget that your feelings are valid.

I am in a very dark place. And I don't know how to get out

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