I think my friend is only my friend cos he fancies me....and it’s so depressing

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Anonymous #1
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I see him like a big brother but lately I realised with a really heavy heart the only reason he bothers with me is cos he has a massive crush on me. It’s so disheartening and makes me wonder is it too much to ask to have a friend that likes me for me and not just cos of what I look like?

When we very first hung out I made it clear that I am not attracted to him but that I like him as a friend and see him as a big brother. He was disappointed but seemingly accepted my feelings, til suddenly he said “well we don’t really know each other that well yet so I think that’s why you don’t feel the same yet. But we can have this talk again in a few months and everything will have changed”

I’m too nice to tell him that my feelings for him are never gonna change, whether that is now or 10 years from now. I’m not interested in anything more than friendship but he keeps trying to pursue me and I feel so uncomfortable and don’t know what to do

He always says he thinks about me all the time, I’m all he talks about to his family. Yesterday he said he wants a girlfriend, but only if they have a connection. Then he said “I have a connection with you” he has put words in my mouth and claimed I rated him a 7 outta 10 when I didn’t even do this. He is below average in looks and while I don’t fancy him, I don’t care what he looks like cos he is not a potential boyfriend to me. On the flip side it’s clear he doesn’t view me as his friend, I’m just some girl he fancies. It makes me depressed cos I always thought I was a good friend to people but all I am to him seems to be a crush

I’ve asked if I can meet his friends sometime to see if I get on with them too but he doesn’t want me to cos he says “they’ll start fancying you”

Also he said he’s gonna spoil me on my birthday, take me out somewhere and give me jewellery. Wtf! Isn’t that what boyfriends do? I have tried to steer the convo away to me being on dating apps, but he doesn’t seem to take the hint (or can’t respect my wishes? One or the other) every time we meet up he can’t help but hint how he feels about me, and is always pushing his feelings onto me. He’s making my anxiety worse. Has anyone here been in the same boat before? I don’t know how to handle this
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Zarek
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For guys sex is a very natural extension of friendship
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InfiniteWill
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I see him like a big brother but lately I realised with a really heavy heart the only reason he bothers with me is cos he has a massive crush on me. It’s so disheartening and makes me wonder is it too much to ask to have a friend that likes me for me and not just cos of what I look like?

When we very first hung out I made it clear that I am not attracted to him but that I like him as a friend and see him as a big brother. He was disappointed but seemingly accepted my feelings, til suddenly he said “well we don’t really know each other that well yet so I think that’s why you don’t feel the same yet. But we can have this talk again in a few months and everything will have changed”

I’m too nice to tell him that my feelings for him are never gonna change, whether that is now or 10 years from now. I’m not interested in anything more than friendship but he keeps trying to pursue me and I feel so uncomfortable and don’t know what to do

He always says he thinks about me all the time, I’m all he talks about to his family. Yesterday he said he wants a girlfriend, but only if they have a connection. Then he said “I have a connection with you” he has put words in my mouth and claimed I rated him a 7 outta 10 when I didn’t even do this. He is below average in looks and while I don’t fancy him, I don’t care what he looks like cos he is not a potential boyfriend to me. On the flip side it’s clear he doesn’t view me as his friend, I’m just some girl he fancies. It makes me depressed cos I always thought I was a good friend to people but all I am to him seems to be a crush

I’ve asked if I can meet his friends sometime to see if I get on with them too but he doesn’t want me to cos he says “they’ll start fancying you”

Also he said he’s gonna spoil me on my birthday, take me out somewhere and give me jewellery. Wtf! Isn’t that what boyfriends do? I have tried to steer the convo away to me being on dating apps, but he doesn’t seem to take the hint (or can’t respect my wishes? One or the other) every time we meet up he can’t help but hint how he feels about me, and is always pushing his feelings onto me. He’s making my anxiety worse. Has anyone here been in the same boat before? I don’t know how to handle this
Your fault for leading him on. You should have told him exactly how you felt first time. Ever since then, he has hope that one day he can convince you.. especially now you share a friendship. Which is why he is spoiling you...

Maybe the best way forward is to steer chat towards the same point as before but this time make it really clear.
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standardolo
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(Original post by InfiniteWill)
Your fault for leading him on. You should have told him exactly how you felt first time. Ever since then, he has hope that one day he can convince you.. especially now you share a friendship. Which is why he is spoiling you...

Maybe the best way forward is to steer chat towards the same point as before but this time make it really clear.
She made it abundantly clear, that she only wants a friendship
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InfiniteWill
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(Original post by standardolo)
She made it abundantly clear, that she only wants a friendship
no she said that maybe they can have a talk about this in a few months... and maybe her feelings change then...
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standardolo
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I suggested, you write to him, without any room for interpretation: I don't find you physically attractive , i don't see us dating please respect that. If he doesn't take it likely end the friendship. Trust me, men that don't respect your boundaries you DO NOT want to be friends with, hope it helps
Last edited by standardolo; 3 weeks ago
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by InfiniteWill)
no she said that maybe they can have a talk about this in a few months... and maybe her feelings change then...
No, he suggested that. It doesn't seem like she has led him on at all, unless you count not rejecting him brutally enough, which I don't.
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Gaddafi
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(Original post by Anonymous)
makes me wonder is it too much to ask to have a friend that likes me for me and not just cos of what I look like?
Yes, in the context of men it is. Personally, I put all women into a category of ****able or not ****able.
I wouldn't actively pursue a woman I'm friends with, but I wouldn't say no either.

I have a 2 female friends I would genuinely say no to but that's because I've known them for 20+years and genuinely value the friendship.

Men and women think in very different ways.

Anyway, stop speaking to him altogether. Cut him off.
Last edited by Gaddafi; 3 weeks ago
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Gaddafi
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
No, he suggested that. It doesn't seem like she has led him on at all, unless you count not rejecting him brutally enough, which I don't.
I think she should have been more brutal tbh after he persisted.

You should only really be polite the first or second time.
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InfiniteWill
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
No, he suggested that. It doesn't seem like she has led him on at all, unless you count not rejecting him brutally enough, which I don't.
ooo damn.. i just reread.. yhh you right.. i didn't pay attention enough properly.. sorry
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Hey!!
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My take on this is he is either unwilling or unable to respect your feelings. He is taking advantage of your good nature. That is definitely not a friend. By offering to spoil you for your birthday that is not being a friend either, he is doing it cos he thinks he will be rewarded in return. He doesn’t know how to be your friend. He can’t seem to grasp that you don’t buy people. But he thinks it’s ok cos. He’s expecting you to be like “Oh my gosh I can’t believe you bought me this really expensive bracelet and necklace! How can I ever repay you?”
You get what I mean don’t you? There is nothing more uncomfortable for someone than unwanted attention. He will feel like you don’t care about his feelings cos you don’t feel the same, but it’s actually him who doesn’t care about your feelings, cos he won’t stop pursuing you! Ask him straight up, does he see you as a friend? He will definitely say no, so then you say “I’m sorry but I don’t think this is gonna work, you know I only view you as my friend” he is manipulating and gaslighting you. You need to watch your back or you may end up with a unwanted kiss.
Last edited by Hey!!; 3 weeks ago
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by Gaddafi)
I think she should have been more brutal tbh after he persisted.

You should only really be polite the first or second time.
I hope I'd be able to reject someone very directly and unsympathetically if they kept pursuing me when I'd politely turned them down before. Some guys can get pretty ugly when they're brutally rejected, though. It's understandable to be worried about that and I wouldn't ever fault someone for not brutally rejecting a guy.
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Anonymous #1
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Thanks for the advice so far, can’t stop feeling guilty but the advice is making me feel a bit better

Just need to say though in case anyone else misreads this, I have never led him on. He asked me to be honest on the first hangout and I was. I’m brutally honest anyway, but even more when he told me he had been led on in the past. I really care about him I don’t want to hurt him, I even love him like a brother just not like that. I know I never will. I don’t know if his feelings have grown and he can’t control himself anymore or what, maybe I should tell him to pretend I’m really ugly and that should stop him. Next week I’m going on a (public) date with a bloke I met on plenty of fish, he thinks I have the perfect bloke right under my nose but it’s just not gonna happen. I don’t mind branching out if it means dating someone I actually want to be with, it’s just not him. I don’t understand why my friends I’ve had either don’t give a **** about me or just use me but it really ****ing hurts I’m ngl. Makes me feel like I’m not good enough to have a friend who cares, he says he does but he only does cos he fancies me
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Anonymous #1
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How do I brutally reject him btw? I don’t want to be nasty to him :/
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standardolo
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(Original post by Anonymous)
How do I brutally reject him btw? I don’t want to be nasty to him :/
Tell him. : I don't wanna date you, btw
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Educate_Yourself
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(Original post by Anonymous)
How do I brutally reject him btw? I don’t want to be nasty to him :/
"Just to reiterate, I will never be in a sexual relationship with you and I will never find you attractive. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it is the truth."
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Little pecker
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Well get useto having sex with your big brother
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Gaddafi
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
I hope I'd be able to reject someone very directly and unsympathetically if they kept pursuing me when I'd politely turned them down before. Some guys can get pretty ugly when they're brutally rejected, though. It's understandable to be worried about that and I wouldn't ever fault someone for not brutally rejecting a guy.
That is a fair point. I suppose it's a lot easier for me to not care about what their response would be then it is for a girl.
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Moonlight Rain
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My friend told me he would like to date me even tho I didn't feel a spark with him but he has accepted it but he goes out of his way to do extra caring things for me that none of my friends do. It's okay, even if they fancy you a bit, they're just being really good mates because they admire you
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Anonymous #1
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Oh boy, this is getting worse now!
I asked to meet him today to have “a really important talk” I think he was expecting me to declare my undying love for him, but instead I put my foot down today about this, I asked him to please stop pursuing me, told him I never said he is a 7 but that he’s actually below average, i told him I will never be attracted to him, to respect my feelings, I will only ever see him like a friend and big brother and that I meant when I said I’m not interested. He said nothing at first then suddenly was trying to kiss me! I was like wtf, pushed him off before his lips touched mine but I knew what he was trying to do. I jumped up to run away from him but he stopped me and then he told me he will happily put other girls on hold who do feel the same in the hopes I change my mind someday. “Maybe not now but I know you will, it’s gonna happen eventually” I said nothing and just walked off. He’s deluded I think he’s obsessed with me, I don’t want to be someone’s obsession. I wish he would get back on those dating apps we both use and get a few matches and stop being like this with me! It freaks me out, honestly I don’t appreciate it at all. Sadly even though it’s never gonna happen between us I know now he will always be hung up on me, always try and seek a opportunity to be my boyfriend. I can’t believe he is actually willing to put his own dating life on hold and reject girls who might feel the same, in the slim (nonexistent) chance I start feeling the same. It’s like he’s living in a fantasy world! When we first met 2 months ago I knew he liked me from the start, I told him just admire me from afar but it’s clear as day now he has a unhealthy obsession with me and it’s spiralling out of control. Yet I still can’t stop feeling guilty, cos if I felt the same I wouldn’t have to keep hurting him like this
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