He said he's not ready to be in a relationship with me :(

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Anonymous #1
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After a year of getting to know each other, struggling together, experiencing happiness together, growing and developing feeling for each other, he told me this week that he can't be in a relationship now.

It was so unexpected. I was ready to ask him to be my boyfriend, so I asked him how he thought things were going between us in order to get some clarity in my head. Instead of opening up, he closed things off.

We spent the summer together and saw each other almost every day. Our relationship was blossoming and I finally let down my guard and allowed a man in that I could be vulnerable around. He told me "he genuinely enjoyed the time we spent together but he was ignorant as to how close we were getting and where things were going." He said he was scared. But I was scared too, and I wanted to share my fears with him so we could grow together. I just don't understand what has changed.

He told me he still wanted to be there for me. But I told him I needed space to process what was going on. But all I want to do is text him or knock on his door and see him (he lives down the corridor from me). I'm scared to bump into him and what I would have to say. At the same time, I want him to reach out to me and ask me if I'm ok. Just so I know that he actually cares and our "relationship" meant something to him.

I know that I deserve someone better, who will want to be part of me and not just want a piece of me. But I don't know how to move on. I feel so broken inside. We would depend on each other for support and now I feel I have no one.

I want to speak to him so badly to gain some clarity and get some closure but I know that I need time and space from him and talking/seeing him will cause me so much pain. We are both at uni together, in the same accommodation, on the same course and in the same friendship group. I don't know how to move on when we could potentially be around each other a lot.

Do I cut him off completely? Do I try and be civil and friends? Do I tell him how much he's hurt me? Do I wait for him? Please, somebody tell me what to do. My heart hurts so bad
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
After a year of getting to know each other, struggling together, experiencing happiness together, growing and developing feeling for each other, he told me this week that he can't be in a relationship now.

It was so unexpected. I was ready to ask him to be my boyfriend, so I asked him how he thought things were going between us in order to get some clarity in my head. Instead of opening up, he closed things off.

We spent the summer together and saw each other almost every day. Our relationship was blossoming and I finally let down my guard and allowed a man in that I could be vulnerable around. He told me "he genuinely enjoyed the time we spent together but he was ignorant as to how close we were getting and where things were going." He said he was scared. But I was scared too, and I wanted to share my fears with him so we could grow together. I just don't understand what has changed.

He told me he still wanted to be there for me. But I told him I needed space to process what was going on. But all I want to do is text him or knock on his door and see him (he lives down the corridor from me). I'm scared to bump into him and what I would have to say. At the same time, I want him to reach out to me and ask me if I'm ok. Just so I know that he actually cares and our "relationship" meant something to him.

I know that I deserve someone better, who will want to be part of me and not just want a piece of me. But I don't know how to move on. I feel so broken inside. We would depend on each other for support and now I feel I have no one.

I want to speak to him so badly to gain some clarity and get some closure but I know that I need time and space from him and talking/seeing him will cause me so much pain. We are both at uni together, in the same accommodation, on the same course and in the same friendship group. I don't know how to move on when we could potentially be around each other a lot.

Do I cut him off completely? Do I try and be civil and friends? Do I tell him how much he's hurt me? Do I wait for him? Please, somebody tell me what to do. My heart hurts so bad
I am very, very sorry to hear this, especially as you live on the same corridor and have the same friends.

I recently had a relationship with a co-worker, who treated me like dirt. I was lucky, because I was able to cut him off completely and even change jobs. Now there is no way he can contact me. It's sad, but I am better off without him, and distance and time will help me get over him. He tried to reach out to me again, but I was strong enough to just block him again and delete the chat.

You, however do not have a choice, due to your proximity every day. Therefore, rather than have a go at him (which could be embarrassing), just be civil, and learn (hard, I know) to see him as a friend. If you only had a "relationship" rather than a relationship, that's not good enough.

I would throw yourself into uni life, keep on socialising, and find someone else who deserves you. There will be plenty of other, better, guys. Plus you can concentrate on your studies more, without worrying about what he thinks etc.
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username4986690
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Get over it, you live and learn.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
I am very, very sorry to hear this, especially as you live on the same corridor and have the same friends.

I recently had a relationship with a co-worker, who treated me like dirt. I was lucky, because I was able to cut him off completely and even change jobs. Now there is no way he can contact me. It's sad, but I am better off without him, and distance and time will help me get over him. He tried to reach out to me again, but I was strong enough to just block him again and delete the chat.

You, however do not have a choice, due to your proximity every day. Therefore, rather than have a go at him (which could be embarrassing), just be civil, and learn (hard, I know) to see him as a friend. If you only had a "relationship" rather than a relationship, that's not good enough.

I would throw yourself into uni life, keep on socialising, and find someone else who deserves you. There will be plenty of other, better, guys. Plus you can concentrate on your studies more, without worrying about what he thinks etc.
I've been thinking about going home for a few weeks for some space and to recover. I think it will be hard to come back here afterwards. Would you recommend speaking to him before I go home, finding out how to move forward and be civil and after that cutting contact?

I can't go into the conversation with expectations as much as I'd like him to say he's made a mistake. I'm scared of being hurt when we need to communicate. Do you think I should text or meet face to face?
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been thinking about going home for a few weeks for some space and to recover. I think it will be hard to come back here afterwards. Would you recommend speaking to him before I go home, finding out how to move forward and be civil and after that cutting contact?

I can't go into the conversation with expectations as much as I'd like him to say he's made a mistake. I'm scared of being hurt when we need to communicate. Do you think I should text or meet face to face?
If you are at uni, I would NOT recommend going home, because you will get behind in your studies. Let's face it, the reason you are at uni is to study.

He will not tell you how to move forward, you need to do it for yourself, by putting more focus on yourself and not making him the centre of your life.

I have done this by focussing on my new job so hard, I don't think about anyone else. I also think about all the times he didn't bother texting me, or didn't pay me many compliments/was stingy etc.

If it is over, please don't have any expectations from him. If he thinks it's a mistake he will have ample opportunity to tell you, as you are in such close proximity. But if he isn't, there's your answer.

I had a boyfriend at uni, on the same course. At the time, we chose all the same options so we could be together. It was embarrassing when it finished. Then I found out he had someone else, so that finished painfully.

I really enjoyed my graduation. He was there, graduating too, with this girlfriend (now his fiancee). But he looked absolutely miserable. A few years later I was at work. I saw him walk past, and he was, if possible, even more miserable. Lucky escape, eh?
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Moonlight Rain
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Did you have sex with him
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PowerSlide
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It always sad and emotionally taxing at the start when things dont plan out as you have hoped in your head with other people, he made his choice, and its time to make yours.

If you want to full on ghost/black him, a bit over the top, but sure, its your choice.
If you want to remain friends then cool.

Theres really no right or wrong advice here without seeing all the nuances/context with your in real life..

I know its heartbreaking, because very rarely are women on the side of the rejection coin.
Last edited by PowerSlide; 3 weeks ago
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by PowerSlide)
It always sad and emotionally taxing at the start when things dont plan out as you have hoped in your head with other people, he made his choice, and its time to make yours.

If you want to full on ghost/black him, a bit over the top, but sure, its your choice.
If you want to remain friends then cool.

Theres really no right or wrong advice here without seeing all the nuances/context with your in real life..

I know its heartbreaking, because very rarely are women on the side of the rejection coin.
women are rarely rejected? That's the first time I've heard of this.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Moonlight Rain)
Did you have sex with him
We did not have sex but we were physically intimate in other ways. I've never had sex but I was ready to tell him that I wanted to.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by PowerSlide)
It always sad and emotionally taxing at the start when things dont plan out as you have hoped in your head with other people, he made his choice, and its time to make yours.

If you want to full on ghost/black him, a bit over the top, but sure, its your choice.
If you want to remain friends then cool.

Theres really no right or wrong advice here without seeing all the nuances/context with your in real life..

I know its heartbreaking, because very rarely are women on the side of the rejection coin.
I think women emotionally attach easier than men and men get scared by that. I disagree, women get rejected and heartbroken more than men.
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PowerSlide
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
women are rarely rejected? That's the first time I've heard of this.
Compared to men? I get rejected 10x a day at the bar alone, I dont see women hitting up on men and if they do its super rare, so yes, the majority of it works where women are literally the choosers if the guy gets to have sex/relationship/etc. with her. Women are not often in the position to risk being rejected in the first place lets be perfectly realistic here...

Of course this doesnt correspond to OP. but to say that women are rarely rejected stands true for the most part.
Why dont women start hitting on men more often then since we are so desperately trying to advance society into a ''progresssive'' state?
Seems fair and ''equallity'' to do so. Yet real life and biology says otherwise.
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PowerSlide
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think women emotionally attach easier than men and men get scared by that. I disagree, women get rejected and heartbroken more than men.
On what planet do you live in to think women get rejected more then men?

Wtf???
Men are still the ones that are expected to put their foot forward into the unkown, I dont know where you live at, but I would LOVE to be hit on by women from time to time for a change of things how about that.
I genuilely cant remember the last time one of my female friends has been rejected this past year alone...

My guys friends however, every week I hear about their failures of picking up girls.

Again women are the ones that pick and decide the guys she wants to let in, the guys themselves are the ones risking rejecting 90%+ of the time...
Last edited by PowerSlide; 3 weeks ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by PowerSlide)
Compared to men? I get rejected 10x a day at the bar alone, I dont see women hitting up on men and if they do its super rare, so yes, the majority of it works where women are literally the choosers if the guy gets to have sex/relationship/etc. with her. Women are not often in the position to risk being rejected in the first place lets be perfectly realistic here...

Of course this doesnt correspond to OP. but to say that women are rarely rejected stands true for the most part.
Why dont women start hitting on men more often then since we are so desperately trying to advance society into a ''progresssive'' state?
Seems fair and ''equallity'' to do so. Yet real life and biology says otherwise.
You make a fair point. I'd love to go up to guys I see in a bar and tell them how attractive they are. But as you said, it's fear of rejection. It's something I'd like to work on though because otherwise opportunities pass you by. At the end of the day, what have you got to lose by telling a stranger that you think they are attractive and you'd like to get to know them
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by PowerSlide)
Compared to men? I get rejected 10x a day at the bar alone, I dont see women hitting up on men and if they do its super rare, so yes, the majority of it works where women are literally the choosers if the guy gets to have sex/relationship/etc. with her. Women are not often in the position to risk being rejected in the first place lets be perfectly realistic here...

Of course this doesnt correspond to OP. but to say that women are rarely rejected stands true for the most part.
Why dont women start hitting on men more often then since we are so desperately trying to advance society into a ''progresssive'' state?
Seems fair and ''equallity'' to do so. Yet real life and biology says otherwise.
Men prefer to do the approaching. This means we have to wait around and hope they pick us. I have tried to approach men, but it doesn't tend to work.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by PowerSlide)
On what planet do you live in to think women get rejected more then men?

Wtf???
Men are still the ones that are expected to put their foot forward into the unkown, I dont know where you live at, but I would LOVE to be hit on by women from time to time for a change of things how about that.
I genuilely cant remember the last time one of my female friends has been rejected this past year alone...

My guys friends however, every week I hear about their failures of picking up girls.

Again women are the ones that pick and decide the guys she wants to let in, the guys themselves are the ones risking rejecting 90%+ of the time...
I don't mean to offend. I was simply thinking about it from the perspective of when two people are at the relationship stage because that is what my original question was about. I hadn't considered rejection at the beginning stage.
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PowerSlide
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
Men prefer to do the approaching. This means we have to wait around and hope they pick us. I have tried to approach men, but it doesn't tend to work.
I think if you asked the majority of men, they dont want to approach, they just have no choice, its either you man up and do it, or you get left behind. (For the most part)
I dont think its a case of ''prefer to approach'' no person likes to be rejected, it can lower self-esteem, hit the ego, bring doubts, and quite frankly, it can be de-humanising when no one wants you etc etc.

Women have the privelage of being on the receiving end either accepting or declining.
Nope he looks ugly, next!
He came off as a creep on his approach, next!
He doesnt fit my 6ft+ requirement, next!
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username4986690
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(Original post by Oxford Mum)
Men prefer to do the approaching. This means we have to wait around and hope they pick us. I have tried to approach men, but it doesn't tend to work.
So based on your experience as a woman you can tell that men prefer approaching?

Not exactly a great sample, I would describe it as pretty misguided actually. The chance of men being approached is slim to none because of the expectation of women.
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Oxford Mum
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(Original post by PowerSlide)
I think if you asked the majority of men, they dont want to approach, they just have no choice, its either you man up and do it, or you get left behind. (For the most part)
I dont think its a case of ''prefer to approach'' no person likes to be rejected, it can lower self-esteem, hit the ego, bring doubts, and quite frankly, it can be de-humanising when no one wants you etc etc.

Women have the privelage of being on the receiving end either accepting or declining.
Nope he looks ugly, next!
He came off as a creep on his approach, next!
He doesnt fit my 6ft+ requirement, next!
Except women do not get approached all the time like this!
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Anonymous #2
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Had sex with you and he left you? Normal male behaviour....... Move on.... You mean nothing to him
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username4986690
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Had sex with you and he left you? Normal male behaviour....... Move on.... You mean nothing to him
Ummm... Your sexism is showing
(Original post by Anonymous)
We did not have sex
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