Urgent Advice needed - son so unhappy at uni but won’t come home

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
Please help.
My son has been at university for a week and he is dreadfully unhappy. He like his flatmates, but says he doesn’t have a lot in common with them. He tried out for the football team but didn’t get in.
There is only one boy he can go out with in his foot (apart from the girls) and he went gone this weekend and is going home next weekend too so my son hasn’t gone out at all. All his fronds from home that have gone to uni keep telling him what a great time they’re having and how well they get on with their flatmates.
He is refusing to come home as he says it looks as though he hasn’t tried.
He won’t talk to the sub- warden in his block or student support.
I’m so sick with worry. What can I do?
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StriderHort
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Support his decision.
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Chil78
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Support his decision.
We have told him we support what member he wants and at the moment that is to stay, but he is messaging everyday telling us how unhappy he is.
When we tell him just leave, he gets angry. But we know he is not eating and says he has no friends and no way of making friends
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absolutelysprout
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the first few weeks of uni can be really rough, it's probably best he doesn't come home as he won't want to go back. best for him to stick it out and keep trying to meet people, he'll eventually find people he clicks with. i hated my first few weeks of uni and wanted to go home but it was great when i eventually made friends.
Last edited by absolutelysprout; 4 weeks ago
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Pheebz0711
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It takes a few weeks to settle into uni, he just needs that time. I'm a 3rd year and I remember freshers as being a scary new world, but I went to the uni's christian union, and they were so welcoming that it really helped in making new friends and settling
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Uni of Hull Students
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Please help.
My son has been at university for a week and he is dreadfully unhappy. He like his flatmates, but says he doesn’t have a lot in common with them. He tried out for the football team but didn’t get in.
There is only one boy he can go out with in his foot (apart from the girls) and he went gone this weekend and is going home next weekend too so my son hasn’t gone out at all. All his fronds from home that have gone to uni keep telling him what a great time they’re having and how well they get on with their flatmates.
He is refusing to come home as he says it looks as though he hasn’t tried.
He won’t talk to the sub- warden in his block or student support.
I’m so sick with worry. What can I do?
Hi Anonymous

I am sure he is not alone in feeling unhappy, lonely and lost. However, he has only been there a week, so give him some space and some time. Yes some people make lots of great friends over freshers week, some people take a bit more time. Some people are independent and some want to be part of a group especially when trying new things.

I would advise him to join some societies in things he is interested in (there will probably be one course related) and/or sports clubs (I would imagine there is more than one football team, here at Hull we have six squads) so whatever level you are, you can train and have a kick about even if it is not competitive.

I think that when classes start this week, he will then be meeting people on his course and talking with them in seminars and the whole experience changes from a focus on social life to a more structured one of going to classes and preparation etc.

Wish him luck

Chris
University of Hull Student Ambassador
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Admit-One
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He will make friends on his course and in student societies. It’s early days yet and homesickness is exacerbated by the lack of routine and being thrown into accommodation with strangers. Sometimes you don’t click with them but there will be opportunities for him to change later if he is still struggling.
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Anonymous #2
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I will say something that is more negative outlook that the posts above.

He might not make friends and this is something that you need to be prepared to help with as if this does happen, he will likely spend many hours alone which isn't good for anyone.

Obviously, it also might make friends, but be prepared if things don't work out how you want them to.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I will say something that is more negative outlook that the posts above.

He might not make friends and this is something that you need to be prepared to help with as if this does happen, he will likely spend many hours alone which isn't good for anyone.

Obviously, it also might make friends, but be prepared if things don't work out how you want them to.
This is what we’re mostly worried about. We are trying to get him to focus on the practical side of uni - getting his shopping done, making sure he knows his timetable, but for him, the whole experience hinges around him having friends who are on his wave length.
He just doesn’t know what to to. He has looked at societies and there’s nothing he feels he can fit in with.
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threeportdrift
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Please help.
My son has been at university for a week and he is dreadfully unhappy. He like his flatmates, but says he doesn’t have a lot in common with them. He tried out for the football team but didn’t get in.
There is only one boy he can go out with in his foot (apart from the girls) and he went gone this weekend and is going home next weekend too so my son hasn’t gone out at all. All his fronds from home that have gone to uni keep telling him what a great time they’re having and how well they get on with their flatmates.
He is refusing to come home as he says it looks as though he hasn’t tried.
He won’t talk to the sub- warden in his block or student support.
I’m so sick with worry. What can I do?
He's making the right decision, a week is not a sensible time to make a judgement as serious as leaving uni. Support his mature decision to stick it out. He can't write off all societies just like that though, friendships don't happen in a one or two hour evening out.
Last edited by threeportdrift; 4 weeks ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by threeportdrift)
He's making the right decision, a week is not a sensible time to make a judgement as serious as leaving uni. Support his mature decision to stick it out. He can't write off all societies just like that though, friendships don't happen in a one or two hour evening out.
I agree with everything you are saying, and I will go back to him and encourage him to join societies again.
It’s just so hard being so far away from him, knowing how lonely and unhappy he is.
We know he needed to try this so he knew either way, and if he’s stayed at home he would have continued to be reliant on us.
Should we just be tougher will ourselves and stop over-thinking?
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1582
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(Original post by Chil78)
We have told him we support what member he wants and at the moment that is to stay, but he is messaging everyday telling us how unhappy he is.
When we tell him just leave, he gets angry. But we know he is not eating and says he has no friends and no way of making friends
Instead of suggesting he leave, offer words of encouragement that it will get better. He's bound to make friends on his course within a few weeks.
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one_two_three
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I would suggest he looks at sports teams that are a little different so that most people on the team will be new to the sport and just learning. He also doesn't know if he doesn't like something if he doesn't try it.

He gets angry when you tell him to come home because you're not listening to him. He doesn't want advice from you right now and he is telling you he doesn't want to come home. From what you have written he is telling you he wants to stay and try and make it work so your advice is the complete opposite. He doesn't have any friends in this new place and he feels all alone, his friends at other universities are saying they are having a great time and he feels left out and is probably wondering why his experience is so different. In short, he wants someone to vent to to and to listen to him.
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Surnia
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Just because it includes the word 'mate' doesn't mean your son has to be besties with his flatmates; end of the day, they are just people he lives with. I had nothing in common with people in my shared accommodation, but I made friends on my course, through clubs, the local church etc.

He shouldn't dismiss every club and society yet; if he can't find one, what's wrong with starting his own? Plus there will be positions on committees like secretary, treasurer where you don't need to be directly involved in the activity, but supporting it; he could look at something like that to stay in touch with the football. He needs to look off-campus as well; there will be opportunities for sports, hobbies, volunteering and jobs in the local area.
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Anonymous #3
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Go and pick him up
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StriderHort
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(Original post by Chil78)
We have told him we support what member he wants and at the moment that is to stay, but he is messaging everyday telling us how unhappy he is.
When we tell him just leave, he gets angry. But we know he is not eating and says he has no friends and no way of making friends
Pretty much as threeportdrift replied. He may well be struggling with plenty complaints, but he seems to know he needs to grit his teeth and stick it out a bit more, a week or two just isn't enough time to give up on these things (even in the case of a football team, I'd be v surprised if there isn't drop outs through the year, or the chance to sharpen his skills for next year)

What would he do if he DID come home? face the same problems the next place he goes likely with a pile of debt following him?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Pretty much as threeportdrift replied. He may well be struggling with plenty complaints, but he seems to know he needs to grit his teeth and stick it out a bit more, a week or two just isn't enough time to give up on these things (even in the case of a football team, I'd be v surprised if there isn't drop outs through the year, or the chance to sharpen his skills for next year)

What would he do if he DID come home? face the same problems the next place he goes likely with a pile of debt following him?
Yeah, he’s scared of what he will do if he comes home and he knows life won’t be the same as well as most of his friends have also gone to uni.
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Muttley79
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Please help.
My son has been at university for a week and he is dreadfully unhappy. He like his flatmates, but says he doesn’t have a lot in common with them. He tried out for the football team but didn’t get in.
There is only one boy he can go out with in his foot (apart from the girls) and he went gone this weekend and is going home next weekend too so my son hasn’t gone out at all. All his fronds from home that have gone to uni keep telling him what a great time they’re having and how well they get on with their flatmates.
He is refusing to come home as he says it looks as though he hasn’t tried.
He won’t talk to the sub- warden in his block or student support.
I’m so sick with worry. What can I do?
You are wrong to encourage him to come home - I'm a mum [my son has graduated] and it's FAR too early. I bet lectures haven't really started yet ...
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Muttley79
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Go and pick him up
That is terrible advice
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Muttley79)
That is terrible advice
Wtf
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