are my parents very controlling or am I just overreacting?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 weeks ago
#1
(maybe a little long as it's just a rant honestly. also, when i say "they" or "my parents" i'm mostly just referring to my dad)

I am a 17 year old girl doing my a-levels and sometimes I feel like my parents are too involved in my life.

Honestly that probably sounds normal, I'm not yet an adult and I still live with them but in some instances I feel like they cross boundaries they really shouldn't. They can take academics very seriously, mostly because we're a first generation family. In year 10, for example, I had gotten a grade 5 in my english assessment. I can obviously understand why they'd be upset since I'd never gotten below a 7. They decided the best plan of action was to remove me from anything I enjoyed. Meaning I wasn't allowed out the house to visit friends and go out or use my phone/tv or even read a fictional book. The toll it took on my mental health was probably awful, but I didn't even think about my psychological well-being at all. This lasted from December 2018 to June 2019. I spent (was forced to spend ) all that time doing only english papers, reading textbooks and watching youtube videos on the computer in the main living room so I could be seen. When I was finally let loose, it was bitter-sweet, because the freedom I received was nulled again when I had to prepare for year 11 and all my gcse subjects that had been "forgotten". I pulled through though, and got mostly 8s and 9s in the mock that determined teacher-assessed grades in the 2020 lockdown. The lockdown that occurred in january 2021 was awful. The same story started up again, but this time I couldn't go to school to speak to my friends, who I weren't close with anyway since I'd moved to a new college. It felt like a cage, to be fair, with just books and questions and online lessons but nothing else whatsoever. And yet during all this time, my parents didn't hold back any snide remarks, saying I "wasn't doing any work at all" and that I "would fail if I kept going at this rate"and so on and so forth. I was set free again in the 6 week holiday, and obviously i tried to find time to do anything but work. I did have to, however, since i planned to sit the ucat (which went moderately ok) but because my parents didn't pay much attention to it, they blamed the "moderately ok" score on me and my incapability to study for anything. That I don't care "at all" apparently and that my heart might as well be as good as dead. All of this, and I can still get into a med school if i get the grades. For the three days until school started I felt like absolute sh*t of course, having to just listen to what they have to say.

Now that's just the education side of things.

I turned 17 a little over a month ago and I decided I wanted to be treated like one. I asked to study for my driving license and they denied. I asked to be able to actually USE the bank card that belongs to ME and they said no. I asked for a side-job to pay for my own things instead of asking them for everything when they would deny me anyway and that angered them the most. I'm not allowed to move out unless the university I get into is too far from home. I feel like I have no control over myself at all.

tbh i don't really no how to end this, i just wanted someone to hear my situtation and tell me maybe i'm not a little loopy.
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Anonymous #2
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Asian household?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Asian household?
naw black arab but close enough
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username4986690
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Extremely controlling and borderline abusive.

The only way you end this is by gaining independence and that will probably take quite a lot of fighting.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by DiddyDec)
Extremely controlling and borderline abusive.

The only way you end this is by gaining independence and that will probably take quite a lot of fighting.
i don't really know what else I'm supposed to do. I honestly used to fight them a lot, but resorting to silence and just taking the verbal hit is solving a lot of my problems. I dont feel any better of course, i'm just waiting till uni to see if that fixes anything. they're not evil people, i know that. they're doing what they think is right. in some sick, twisted way.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
naw black arab but close enough
Your feelings are completely valid, you aren't being allowed control over anything in your life especially the stuff that will bring you independence e.g. driving license. Yet they want you to excel in education presumably cause of career prospects? Their idea of success is so outdated. Families like this want you to depend on them financially too and for the roof over your head so they can feel in control.

Have you ever rebelled or been assertive about what you want or always doing what they say? why do they have your bank card? Call your bank and cancel that card, have another one sent somewhere they can't receive it. what's the point having your own card if they control it?!
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i don't really know what else I'm supposed to do. I honestly used to fight them a lot, but resorting to silence and just taking the verbal hit is solving a lot of my problems. I dont feel any better of course, i'm just waiting till uni to see if that fixes anything. they're not evil people, i know that. they're doing what they think is right. in some sick, twisted way.
I know parents like this (mine and friends also from arab background) and they believed they are doing the 'right thing'. i learned they have tons of problems and no awareness but are unwilling to learn or change. Plus NO sensitivity to mental health issues. It's a problem, but try hard to leave for uni things might change with time.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Your feelings are completely valid, you aren't being allowed control over anything in your life especially the stuff that will bring you independence e.g. driving license. Yet they want you to excel in education presumably cause of career prospects? Their idea of success is so outdated. Families like this want you to depend on them financially too and for the roof over your head so they can feel in control.

Have you ever rebelled or been assertive about what you want or always doing what they say? why do they have your bank card? Call your bank and cancel that card, have another one sent somewhere they can't receive it. what's the point having your own card if they control it?!
i can't cancel the card (both cards) since one is for school bursaries and one has £100 exactly and that value would change very obviously. i don't want to get on their bad side.
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username4986690
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i don't really know what else I'm supposed to do. I honestly used to fight them a lot, but resorting to silence and just taking the verbal hit is solving a lot of my problems. I dont feel any better of course, i'm just waiting till uni to see if that fixes anything. they're not evil people, i know that. they're doing what they think is right. in some sick, twisted way.
Temporarily moving away won't solve the problem. In my view the only real way is a permanent move where you control and manage the relationship with them rather than them controlling you.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i can't cancel the card (both cards) since one is for school bursaries and one has £100 exactly and that value would change very obviously. i don't want to get on their bad side.
if you want spare pocket money i recommend setting up a paypal and selling some of ur stuff on vinted or depop, you could get a good amount a month doing that tbh and it's all online so they can't claim it nor do they need to know.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I know parents like this (mine and friends also from arab background) and they believed they are doing the 'right thing'. i learned they have tons of problems and no awareness but are unwilling to learn or change. Plus NO sensitivity to mental health issues. It's a problem, but try hard to leave for uni things might change with time.
I was trying to see if i could move to the netherlands (where I was born) if I can't get into far unis here, but for the course I want they don't teach all of it in English, and sadly I'd have to relearn Dutch which my parents would call a waste of time (i do agree there)
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
if you want spare pocket money i recommend setting up a paypal and selling some of ur stuff on vinted or depop, you could get a good amount a month doing that tbh and it's all online so they can't claim it nor do they need to know.
i might try that actually, although I don't own many things to sell funnily enough.
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reds234
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run away
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I was trying to see if i could move to the netherlands (where I was born) if I can't get into far unis here, but for the course I want they don't teach all of it in English, and sadly I'd have to relearn Dutch which my parents would call a waste of time (i do agree there)
are there unis far away that you actually want to go to? Depending on what you study you could convince them to move out for a closer one for practical reasons, i convinced my parents that way cause i did a design degree that required me to carry heavy equipment into uni everyday.

Also worth letting them know very clearly that you cannot perform well academically if you're not in a good mental state. So strange they cannot understand this. I tutored several kids from a similar background who were so pushy and demanding for their kids to achieve top marks, the kids were smart and capable but so demotivated and sick of the parents approach that they had no motivation to try anymore.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by reds234)
run away
lol i tried once. slipped over the over the roof and jumped down with literally nothing on me at all besides the clothes i was wearing until my mom spotted me and my parents pretended i was dead for a little while.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
are there unis far away that you actually want to go to? Depending on what you study you could convince them to move out for a closer one for practical reasons, i convinced my parents that way cause i did a design degree that required me to carry heavy equipment into uni everyday.

Also worth letting them know very clearly that you cannot perform well academically if you're not in a good mental state. So strange they cannot understand this. I tutored several kids from a similar background who were so pushy and demanding for their kids to achieve top marks, the kids were smart and capable but so demotivated and sick of the parents approach that they had no motivation to try anymore.
to be fair i want to stay at home and study at UoB (medicine) because it's close and also highly respected. if i wanted to study at a far uni it'd probably be KCL, but life in London is probably going to be difficult.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
to be fair i want to stay at home and study at UoB (medicine) because it's close and also highly respected. if i wanted to study at a far uni it'd probably be KCL, but life in London is probably going to be difficult.
Would they allow a 5 day a week halls set up where you go home for the weekends? not ideal but wondering if there's a compromise for both sides as it sounds like your parents enjoy giving unreasonable and severe consequences for your actions
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Would they allow a 5 day a week halls set up where you go home for the weekends? not ideal but wondering if there's a compromise for both sides as it sounds like your parents enjoy giving unreasonable and severe consequences for your actions
i don't know? i actually honestly don't know. if the uni is close probably not because the obvious answer is there's literally a home i could live in instead of paying more for no reason. i don't think they realise how much i hate being at home. they just think it's temporary and that i'll thank them in the end.
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londonmyst
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Yes, your parents sound very controlling and unlikely to ever change their unpleasant behaviour towards you.
I understand some of how you feel.
I grew up in a very controlling & toxic household surrounded by unreasonable adults that constantly imposed their never ending list of demands and bizarre rules upon me.

Have you checked what your student loan entitlement is likely to be?
That way you can plan what type of accomodation and lifestyle your maintainence loan will fund.
This could help you to decide whether waiting until you can move straight into student accomodation for undergrad is your best option or if you prefer waiting a bit longer to build up enough savings to make you financially independent of parents for the rest of your studies.
Good luck!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Yes, your parents sound very controlling and unlikely to ever change their unpleasant behaviour towards you.
I understand some of how you feel.
I grew up in a very controlling & toxic household surrounded by unreasonable adults that constantly imposed their never ending list of demands and bizarre rules upon me.

Have you checked what your student loan entitlement is likely to be?
That way you can plan what type of accomodation and lifestyle your maintainence loan will fund.
This could help you to decide whether waiting until you can move straight into student accomodation for undergrad is your best option or if you prefer waiting a bit longer to build up enough savings to make you financially independent of parents for the rest of your studies.
Good luck!
I'm sorry you had to live with that! I'm assuming you managed to get out of it though? Also I've just checked and it states I could receive a £9250 tuition fee loan per year and a £7,987 Maintenance Loan to contribute towards my living costs. I don't really know how this works but I'd think there'd still be a lot I'd have to pay myself and my maintenance loan would run out midway through the second year. If I managed to find a job quickly in the first I think I could support myself. Thank you for the comment!
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