[Trigger warning] I tried to explain consent to my bf, am I to blame?

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I surround myself with good people, with people who are genuine, kind and empathetic; all of my friends are nice people, and they thought those guys were too. Each of those guys hosts community projects and educational workshops, one founded a charity for kids along with the rest of his design team. It wasn't my fault. People who are abusive convince people they are trustworthy and kind first, to get close to us. They prey on people who have a lot of empathy, because they know that kind of person will try to see things from lots of different perspectives. It's not our fault they hurt us. I don't hang out with anyone who is obviously predatory, or unkind, or has harmful "lad banter" or anything like that; these guys acted kind and caring and responsible, until they hurt me or went against my consent.

I know what you mean though in the last bit; I don't go for people with 'social status', but thought they were nice because they do work which is meant to be caring. People who are genuinely caring, wouldn't make a big deal about it, and in the end it was obvious that those guys cared about being seen to be doing good or impressive things for communities, and wanted recognition. In future I would go for someone who is genuinely modest, but honestly it's going to be so hard to tell who is genuine in future.

Also if one third of all women are having this happen to them, it's not just a small percentage of men doing that to everyone.

I'm sorry this happened. From what you've described now, I'm a lot more convinced that you really didn't do anything to deserve this. You do sound like the kind that attracts these types though. You are too sympathetic towards them. You still 'love' this person, despite his sick behavior towards you. I am sure he knows this, and so I am sure he will be back in touch because of it.

Sorry if I doubted you initially. People are complicated however. People with personalities and life experiences that digress from what is considered 'average' or 'normal' (statistically speaking), especially so. People will sometimes invite trouble into their lives, usually unintentionally. Some then complain about the negative consequences, and use those consequences to rationalise their own behaviors and warped/toxic opinions on life. They might for example form a 'social clique' on the basis of such common experiences, that rewards them with a sense of belonging, and in a perverse sense even encourages them to continue behaving that same way and running into the same problems. Because their negative experiences is all they have to talk about, without those, they lose their sense of 'belonging' among their peer group. This actually happens a lot. These are for example the kinds of people that just like to complain all the time, without solving any problems. If they solved their problems, they'd get bored due to not having anything to complain about anymore. I'm sure you know people like this. We all do.

There is a case of where a group of alcoholics were attending a rehab class, but in fact were more addicted to the social dimension of the rehab class than the alcohol. Once they overcame their addictions, they had very little else in common, so their group splintered, they felt alienated again, got depressed, started drinking again, so they could have a reason to get back together. They did not do this deliberately.

There are men who pursue toxic women, for similar reasons. In effect, so they can b/tch about them with their friends and hate women. There are women who do the same to men. And these two groups have a 'symbiotic' relationship with one another.

"Also if one third of all women are having this happen to them, it's not just a small percentage of men doing that to everyone."
Are you assuming that there is 1 man for every woman that gets sexually assaulted this way? You are underestimating those men. Highly narcissistic people have a propensity for abusing others and for promiscuous behavior. The combination of these two traits in men, creates the type of sexually predatory behaviors you described. One such promiscuous person, can 'sleep' with (or in this case, assault) multiple women. Dozens even. Thus, even if 50% of women experienced rape, I would assume that probably only 10-20% of men were responsible for it. A minority. Unless I saw evidence to suggest otherwise.

But if we deduct the 'abusive' character trait from this example and focus only on promiscuity, if we have group of 10 men and 10 women, and just one of those men somehow convinced all ten of those women to sleep with him at some point, and the other nine men did not... then from the narrow perspective & personal experience of those women they can claim that every man they've ever slept with is a 'player'. Which is true, but not accurate or representative. In the real world, women rarely say that, but they will say other comparable things that are not true. Like that "men are only interested in sex". This is not uncommon. I've known lots of women like this.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 21

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

You shouldn't love him. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES. He broke your trust, used your past against you. He's a bad person, i get that u might have feelings for him, but its ridiculously unhealthy. imagine how your friends and family would react. look at it from an outside perspective. Sorry about the harshness. And im truely sorry this happened to you.

He is now saying, "I'm sorry you got triggered, I hope you are ok and spoke to your therapist." At first I thought it was genuinely caring, but he is just putting the responsibility solely on me, not the fact he crossed any boundaries or caused me to be triggered by not respecting my "no", again. At first I said thank you I have spoken to a Dr who has put me on different antidepressants for anxiety too, and to my counsellor, but I just let him know too that it's not just that I need to speak to someone or get help to feel better, although I am sorry I slapped him, but he also needs to respect people's boundaries.

Reply 22

NonIndigenous

Original post by Anonymous

He is not taking any responsibility here. You said so yourself.

This even qualifies as gaslighting, because he is pretending he didn't do anything wrong. It is making you question if you were even right to be angry and triggered.

Please let him go. You don't have to explain yourself to him why. I don't think he deserves it, because I don't think he will even appreciate it.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 23

_gcx

Study Forum Helper

Original post by Anonymous

The fact that he basically said "sorry that you're upset" without apologising for his behaviour says it all, really.

Reply 24

Anonymous #1

Original post by NonIndigenous

I'm sorry this happened. From what you've described now, I'm a lot more convinced that you really didn't do anything to deserve this.

Oh, you're "a lot more convinced" now, that I didn't deserve to be raped!? Do some people deserve to be raped? Stop blaming people, for the abuse and sexual assault and rape carried out by perpetrators. There is NOTHING anyone does to deserve it.

Reply 25

NonIndigenous

Original post by Anonymous

I worded that terribly. It's not what I meant.

There's nothing you can do to change other people's behavior. He is what he is, and only he can do something about it. But you can take measures to safeguard yourself from these types. That's all I was trying to say.

You have tolerated him too long already, and your empathy and forgiveness have not been rewarded, several times over. His behavior has not changed. If you have any inkling of inviting him back into your life again, you can expect that trend to continue.

In either case, do as you will. But this is your choice, and its consequences are predictable.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 26

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous