Phrases I hate in therapy

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
“And why do you think that”
“And how does that make you feel”
“What would you like out of therapy”
Every time I’m asked that I can practically picture the script in my head
Can someone explain to me how these questions help in any way
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0ptics
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(Original post by Anonymous)
“And why do you think that”
“And how does that make you feel”
“What would you like out of therapy”
Every time I’m asked that I can practically picture the script in my head
Can someone explain to me how these questions help in any way
It seems like they’re trying to understand your thought process better so they can understand you better, hence they can adapt to help you.
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Anonymous)
“And why do you think that”
“And how does that make you feel”
“What would you like out of therapy”
Every time I’m asked that I can practically picture the script in my head
Can someone explain to me how these questions help in any way
They are terrible clichés. They also sound really insincere - I've used phrases like that to essentially take the piss out of someone to sound like I'm interested when I don't actually give a **** what they are saying, and I want to make that clear!

Next time you hear that, you should say 'please don't use those silly phrases, and see what the counsellor does
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Reality Check)
They are terrible clichés. They also sound really insincere - I've used phrases like that to essentially take the piss out of someone to sound like I'm interested when I don't actually give a **** what they are saying, and I want to make that clear!

Next time you hear that, you should say 'please don't use those silly phrases, and see what the counsellor does
I’m in cbt right now and it feels so scripted and it feels as if the therapist wants me to do the therapy by myself, I’m not getting any clarity. I said I was open to therapy and I do have some issues but I expected cbt to be like talking and as the therapist gets to know me and then they get an idea of what the issue is and set homework for me and we go on from there. Yet it feels like I’m the only one solely having to do that and my therapist is just a spectator. I also don’t trust them at all, I feel very rushed. Ugh and I know this will probably be the only help I’ll be getting for a while.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by 0ptics)
It seems like they’re trying to understand your thought process better so they can understand you better, hence they can adapt to help you.
I can see that, it just feels dismissive to me
”I really hate myself “
”And why do you think that”
”lists x,y,z reasons”
”And how does that make you feel?”

It doesn’t even feel like they’re listening to what I’m saying and it’s hard for me to open up so every time I get fobbed off I find it harder to talk, there was times during my last session where we just sat in silence it’s so awkward
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Reality Check
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m in cbt right now and it feels so scripted and it feels as if the therapist wants me to do the therapy by myself, I’m not getting any clarity. I said I was open to therapy and I do have some issues but I expected cbt to be like talking and as the therapist gets to know me and then they get an idea of what the issue is and set homework for me and we go on from there. Yet it feels like I’m the only one solely having to do that and my therapist is just a spectator. I also don’t trust them at all, I feel very rushed. Ugh and I know this will probably be the only help I’ll be getting for a while.
Not great - not great at all. You have my sympathies.
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OxFossil
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m in cbt right now and it feels so scripted and it feels as if the therapist wants me to do the therapy by myself, I’m not getting any clarity. I said I was open to therapy and I do have some issues but I expected cbt to be like talking and as the therapist gets to know me and then they get an idea of what the issue is and set homework for me and we go on from there. Yet it feels like I’m the only one solely having to do that and my therapist is just a spectator. I also don’t trust them at all, I feel very rushed. Ugh and I know this will probably be the only help I’ll be getting for a while.
What you've just written is exactly what you should say to the therapist.
.
A good therapist will explain why they've taken this tack (the truthful answer is probably a combination of - "your presenting problem seems to fit with what CBT sets out to do" and "this is what we always do in brief interventions, and there's not enough time for anything else") Whatever, the answer, they should also try to fix some of those problems you've described.

A poor therapist will probably try to persuade you you're wrong, and they know better.

Either way, I'd encourage you to try and take some control of the sessions. It's supposed to be about you and what you need, after all, not just what they are willing to provide.

Erm...."How does that make you feel?"
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culie-zak
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Exactly. And even the words they use feel very clinical and detached and unhelpful. Why can't I sit down with someone who pretends to be on the same wavelength as me to have a conversation and have me open up that way?Like I know the goal is to find out more about me to help me but they never seem to talk to ME, they're just talking to some nondescript patient
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culie-zak
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I can see that, it just feels dismissive to me
”I really hate myself “
”And why do you think that”
”lists x,y,z reasons”
”And how does that make you feel?”

It doesn’t even feel like they’re listening to what I’m saying and it’s hard for me to open up so every time I get fobbed off I find it harder to talk, there was times during my last session where we just sat in silence it’s so awkward
Exactly. And even the words they use feel very clinical and detached and unhelpful. Why can't I sit down with someone who pretends to be on the same wavelength as me to have a conversation and have me open up that way?
Like I know the goal is to find out more about me to help me but they never seem to talk to ME, they're just talking to some nondescript patient #113937 or whatever.

If it were me, talking to a friend, and they said they hated themselves. I'd say
"yeah, I feel that. Is it your physical appearance or something else?"
they'd say "yeah... that and just my existence like I hate it. I wish my childhood was different"
I'd say "you wanna talk about the childhood stuff or do you wanna just vent about what parts of yourself you hate physically"
and then they'd say "physical stuff first",

Then they'd vent about how insecure they are, then they'd talk about how society seems so unforgiving to people who don't look physically okay to look at, then they'd talk about tinder or modern dating and maybe we'd share experiences on that (a therapist probs can't do this so omit that), then we'd finally get round to their childhood and by that time they'd have opened up enough to talk about early childhood adversaries.

^anyways thanks for reading my fiction lol, "they" is me. I'm both the friend and the stand-in therapist here. I'm just saying how I'd like to be approached with stuff (which is the way I'd have a conversation with a friend or a stranger). I can't open up like that to any of the therapists I've ever come across so far.
Last edited by culie-zak; 2 weeks ago
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kolme
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I'm not a fan of therapists but emotional literacy is a good skill to have. I think that everyone should ask themselves those questions when they're going through something, if you actually try it helps you feel better. If that's the only thing your therapist does though then yea that's ****
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OxFossil
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(Original post by culie-zak)
Exactly. And even the words they use feel very clinical and detached and unhelpful. Why can't I sit down with someone who pretends to be on the same wavelength as me to have a conversation and have me open up that way?
Like I know the goal is to find out more about me to help me but they never seem to talk to ME, they're just talking to some nondescript patient #113937 or whatever.

If it were me, talking to a friend, and they said they hated themselves. I'd say
"yeah, I feel that. Is it your physical appearance or something else?"
they'd say "yeah... that and just my existence like I hate it. I wish my childhood was different"
I'd say "you wanna talk about the childhood stuff or do you wanna just vent about what parts of yourself you hate physically"
and then they'd say "physical stuff first",

Then they'd vent about how insecure they are, then they'd talk about how society seems so unforgiving to people who don't look physically okay to look at, then they'd talk about tinder or modern dating and maybe we'd share experiences on that (a therapist probs can't do this so omit that), then we'd finally get round to their childhood and by that time they'd have opened up enough to talk about early childhood adversaries.

^anyways thanks for reading my fiction lol, "they" is me. I'm both the friend and the stand-in therapist here. I'm just saying how I'd like to be approached with stuff (which is the way I'd have a conversation with a friend or a stranger). I can't open up like that to any of the therapists I've ever come across so far.
I guess the thing with NHS "first tier" mental heal health is that it is strictly limited to time (typically 6 sessions), and a lot of it is delivered by junior therapist. They get some standardised training and are told, "This is our model - 'Brief Intervention CBT' - and here's the manual." If you have seen these CBT manuals, you'll know they are very strictly structured - "Session 2 - unhelpful thoughts"; Session 4 - affirmations" etc . This is all a result of the £££ constraints on mental health services and the ideology of measuring everything. They can't offer the time to explore stuff in a patient-centred way, instead they try to maximise the statistics for throughput, minimise waiting list times, and have measurable outcomes.
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artful_lounger
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Asking what you want out of therapy seems like a reasonable first session question, just so if necessary they can manage your expectations if they are unrealistic for the scope of the therapy scheme they have set out.

The "how does that make you feel" seems out of place for sure, although "why do you think that" does seem to be the kind of thing they do in CBT, basically to try and force you to engage with your thought patterns and realise that actually they might be somewhat unrealistic expectations placed on yourself for example.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by OxFossil)
What you've just written is exactly what you should say to the therapist.
.
A good therapist will explain why they've taken this tack (the truthful answer is probably a combination of - "your presenting problem seems to fit with what CBT sets out to do" and "this is what we always do in brief interventions, and there's not enough time for anything else") Whatever, the answer, they should also try to fix some of those problems you've described.

A poor therapist will probably try to persuade you you're wrong, and they know better.

Either way, I'd encourage you to try and take some control of the sessions. It's supposed to be about you and what you need, after all, not just what they are willing to provide.

Erm...."How does that make you feel?"
Yes I will try bring it up to them, I actually had a choice between cbt and counselling and since I already tried counselling before (it was good for venting) it didn’t really make any changes I picked cbt
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OxFossil
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yes I will try bring it up to them, I actually had a choice between cbt and counselling and since I already tried counselling before (it was good for venting) it didn’t really make any changes I picked cbt
That sounds like you made a reasonable decision. One thought occurs - you might have to be clear about is that your discontent with the therapy is about the lack of personal connection and authenticity - and not because you are uncomfortable with being asked to change things.

Hope it goes well anyway.
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