accidentally led a guy on but I'm lesbian

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summerbirdreads
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#1
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we've been talking for a while now and I thought it was just friendship nothing more but well he indicated that he fancies me and I think I led him on without realising, now I'm in deep **** because we got along really well and I liked being friends with him, but I'm lesbian and I don't want to come out because every time I came out to someone it always ended up being a disaster, I also don't want a relationship with anyone whatever gender anytime soon.

so what should I do? should I stop talking to him? I don't want to ruin a friendship
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Reality Check
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
we've been talking for a while now and I thought it was just friendship nothing more but well he indicated that he fancies me and I think I led him on without realising, now I'm in deep **** because we got along really well and I liked being friends with him, but I'm lesbian and I don't want to come out because every time I came out to someone it always ended up being a disaster, I also don't want a relationship with anyone whatever gender anytime soon.

so what should I do? should I stop talking to him? I don't want to ruin a friendship
I think this is easy - you just engineer a situation where you can talk in a very offhand way to your friend about a previous girlfriend you had a relationship with - some anecdote or story about how relationships and you are good/bad/indifferent in them - and that you're only interested in girls which makes things even more difficult etc etc. You've then informed your friend that you're a lesbian without actually having to sit him down and have that conversation, and nothing gets awkward
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Reality Check)
I think this is easy - you just engineer a situation where you can talk in a very offhand way to your friend about a previous girlfriend you had a relationship with - some anecdote or story about how relationships and you are good/bad/indifferent in them - and that you're only interested in girls which makes things even more difficult etc etc. You've then informed your friend that you're a lesbian without actually having to sit him down and have that conversation, and nothing gets awkward
the thing is I don't want him or anyone to know I'm lesbian anymore
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
the thing is I don't want him or anyone to know I'm lesbian anymore
That's more difficult then. You could just be straightforward with him and say 'look, I'm flattered you fancy me but I'm not looking for any relationship with anyone at the moment, and it's nothing personal. But I really want to stay friends with you' - be completely honest and up-front about it. Is he the sort of person who'd take that approach well?
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Reality Check)
That's more difficult then. You could just be straightforward with him and say 'look, I'm flattered you fancy me but I'm not looking for any relationship with anyone at the moment, and it's nothing personal. But I really want to stay friends with you' - be completely honest and up-front about it. Is he the sort of person who'd take that approach well?
I don't think he'd take that well, but this is honestly my fault because I really led him on but I did not mean it and it was an accident but now he thinks I fancy him as well and he's probably looking for a relationship.
but if it comes down to that, I guess I'll straight up tell him I don't want a relationship and he'll probably hate me
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
I don't think he'd take that well, but this is honestly my fault because I really led him on but I did not mean it and it was an accident but now he thinks I fancy him as well and he's probably looking for a relationship.
but if it comes down to that, I guess I'll straight up tell him I don't want a relationship and he'll probably hate me
I think being straightforward and honest with him is the important thing here - even if it risks him falling out with you for a bit. If you explain that you didn't mean to lead him on, and you're sorry for the situation, I'm sure he'll get over it pretty quickly. You just need to be open and honest with him and not let it drag on for any longer, as that just makes the situation worse with regards to 'feeling that he's being led on'. If you act quickly, he'll be able to see that you tried to rectify the situation as soon as you could see it was getting out of hand.
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Reality Check)
I think being straightforward and honest with him is the important thing here - even if it risks him falling out with you for a bit. If you explain that you didn't mean to lead him on, and you're sorry for the situation, I'm sure he'll get over it pretty quickly. You just need to be open and honest with him and not let it drag on for any longer, as that just makes the situation worse with regards to 'feeling that he's being led on'. If you act quickly, he'll be able to see that you tried to rectify the situation as soon as you could see it was getting out of hand.
then I'll do that now since it seems like the most sensible thing to do, I really don't want to continue this and then say no to relationship since that could potentially lead him to hate me more, so better rip off the bandaid now than later ig
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
then I'll do that now since it seems like the most sensible thing to do, I really don't want to continue this and then say no to relationship since that could potentially lead him to hate me more, so better rip off the bandaid now than later ig
Yes, exactly. I think if you give him a bit of time to digest it, he'll be fine. Guys get over stuff like this pretty quickly - trust me.
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Reality Check)
Yes, exactly. I think if you give him a bit of time to digest it, he'll be fine. Guys get over stuff like this pretty quickly - trust me.
never had a guy problem before lol and I hope I never do again. I hope he gets over this asap, so things don't need to be awkward
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
I don't think he'd take that well, but this is honestly my fault because I really led him on but I did not mean it and it was an accident but now he thinks I fancy him as well and he's probably looking for a relationship.
but if it comes down to that, I guess I'll straight up tell him I don't want a relationship and he'll probably hate me
If he decides to hate you for doing something accidentally and out of friendliness, then he has no place in your life anyway. At that point you can write him off with no regrets. Everything you've said and done has been well-intentioned and you can't beat yourself up about it.

If guys, and people, try too hard to read between the lines of your actions and assume things about you that aren't true, well, they're going to make asses out of themselves and there's only so much you can reasonably do about that. You certainly can't hold yourself responsible.
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anosmianAcrimony
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Remember you don't need to give any kind of reason or "excuse" for not wanting to pursue a relationship with anyone, and if he doesn't accept a rejection (whether he understands the reasons behind it or not), he's not worth spending time with anyway.
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Ducky Donna
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just tell him you only want to be friends it is that simple
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