Running away from parents

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Hello everyone,

I am an eighteen-year-old school leaver. I would rather not go into gritty details, but I have been a victim of severe physical, verbal and psychological abuse since childhood. The sustained abusive control engineered by my NParents led me to develop severe MDD and GAD. I don't actually recall the last time I had a regular day; it was so long ago. NMother and NFather's incessant gaslighting and tyranny has pushed me to the brink. I'm not even allowed to see a psychologist, and the little medication I've been prescribed has been a write-off, to say the least.

My sole concern is abandoning my younger siblings (15M and 12F) to this hellish environment. Traumatic bonds which have long faded in my case (or possibly never truly existed) are still in full force for them. It is at once incredibly difficult and disappointingly simple to understand. (When I was GCBrother's age, I was somewhat depressed, but didn't particularly see anything wrong either.) There's nothing I can do for them right now though.

Returning to the point at hand: I shall have to scrub this place from my mind before it scrubs me off the face of the earth. This is likely to consist of getting a job, saving up funds, securing accomodation and packing my dearest effects incrementally, so as not to arouse suspicion. To my knowledge, a lease on an apartment requires 12/13 weeks worth of rent (tenancy deposit, plus two months' rent in advance). However, I have heard that a poor credit score can lead to as much as six months' rent being demanded in advance. I don't even have a personal credit card, although I have a U19 account superintended by my parents.

That aside, the set of bills and utilities includes Council Tax (~£70 pm), water and gas (~£50 pm), broadband (~£30 pm), as well as the electric bill (which I would prefer to be included in the rent). I'd also budget ~£300 pm for groceries, although that's likely an overestimate. Throwing in other fixed costs would likely add ~£35 pm. I presume I'd need around £100 to boot (for household essentials), although I haven't yet confirmed this. On the whole, that's an outlay of just under £600 pm minus rent (at least initially).

I had planned to amass some savings for at most a couple of months, and then leave. However, it has quickly become obvious that this isn't an option. All I need is a little studio flat, preferably with a separate living room, in Zones 1-3, near the centre of London and well away from my parents (I live in Essex), which would also theoretically facilitate finding a decent job. I surmise that this would cost £600-£700 pcm. I very much doubt that I would be able to flatshare.

All of this is complicated by my being an immigrant, having moved here 11 odd years ago. Throughout this time, my parents have controlled all of my personal documents and they almost never discuss immigration, so I have had to deduce these things on my own. I figured, and I may well be wrong, that I'd need my passport & visa, NINo and biometric residence permit (BRP), since I ostensibly have limited leave to remain. I don't have the BRP at present (still looking), but I've managed to secure all of the others. Unfortunately, my passport and visa expired years ago ("cancelled without prejudice") ... so I would appear to be stateless. I don't have an inkling of whether I would be eligible for any welfare benefits (according to the web, you need at least ILR, but I did some digging and saw my parents applied for child benefits and CT reduction/housing benefits, so there may be exceptions).

I've also taken a year out to sit three A Levels privately next summer; all of this essentially condemned my CAGs, which I never wanted in the first instance. I'm not certain how this would factor into things, if at all. Could anyone help, please? I attempted to contact Citizens Advice but their chat appears to be broken.
Last edited by Interrobang; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #2
#2
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#2
I am sorry to hear you are facing these kinds of issues at your age.

Please contact domestic abuse charities, speak to your GP they have online forms now and they will call you back but if it's urgent I suggest contacting them, contact the council they are the best people regarding housing etc especially because of your age, there will be asylum seekers or immigration charities too search them and put your area to find them..

Put yourself first then your siblings. If you make a concern known then your siblings will be looked into by social services . You need to take this step for their bright future as they are going to through key education stages like GCSE and Alevels to shape their future..
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Anonymous #2
#3
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Being very frank and honest you can't do this on your own without support from charities, local authority or the police. I agree you need to find a job but remember your 18 and do you have any work experience?

What about speaking with the private company you are doing A levels with?

You need to somehow make contact with them. There is confidentiality too so speak to them about that such as email, telephone some (numbers are free). How about going to the library to send the emails or calls??? Library may help you too.

Rent is hard and you don't want to end up in financial difficulty.
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I am sorry to hear you are facing these kinds of issues at your age.

Please contact domestic abuse charities, speak to your GP they have online forms now and they will call you back but if it's urgent I suggest contacting them, contact the council they are the best people regarding housing etc especially because of your age, there will be asylum seekers or immigration charities too search them and put your area to find them..

Put yourself first then your siblings. If you make a concern known then your siblings will be looked into by social services . You need to take this step for their bright future as they are going to through key education stages like GCSE and Alevels to shape their future..
Hello, thank you so much. I am keeping myself preoccupied for the time being with plans to quit my parents' house.

I don't believe my GP would be much use as that is monitored by my parents and I'm planning to leave the area shortly anyhow. I'm also primarily looking for legal advice and housing options which is beyond the scope of their expertise.

At this point in time, I am liaising with some domestic abuse services and considering my most favourable options. I hadn't thought to contact immigration charities, but this is as good a suggestion as any, as I'm struggling to find legal advice at present. I managed to contact Citizens Advice, but they didn't help so much in that regard. I've also been told to have a look at legal clinics for free advice.

I haven't decided to contact social services yet, although this has already been recommended. My parents scaremongered us about SS in my childhood, probably unconsciously to save their own skin, so I don't actually know anything about them. They could be rather genial and assiduous, I suppose. I will definitely ask for more information on that end.

I don't want my brother and sister being carted around from place to place. But anything's better than how things have been since forever.
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
Being very frank and honest you can't do this on your own without support from charities, local authority or the police. I agree you need to find a job but remember your 18 and do you have any work experience?

What about speaking with the private company you are doing A levels with?

You need to somehow make contact with them. There is confidentiality too so speak to them about that such as email, telephone some (numbers are free). How about going to the library to send the emails or calls??? Library may help you too.

Rent is hard and you don't want to end up in financial difficulty.
I completely understand that I require support and accommodation (especially private leasing) can be expensive (particularly in my preferred locations) and circuitous.

I have been looking into benefits, however, the main complication is my unresolved immigration status. It renders finding exactly how much I'm entitled to, given my circumstances, very difficult without professional advice and hence planning is also more difficult.

I haven't actually decided where to sit my A Levels yet as several factors come into play (such as cost and location), although I have a couple of places in mind. I don't think it would be a private company, most likely an ordinary sixth-form college, possibly my original centre.
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Anonymous #1
#6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I haven't actually decided where to sit my A Levels yet as several factors come into play (such as cost and location), although I have a couple of places in mind. I don't think it would be a private company, most likely an ordinary sixth-form college, possibly my original centre.
I don't see that they could help with my predicament in any way, but you may know something I don't.
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
Being very frank and honest you can't do this on your own without support from charities, local authority or the police. I agree you need to find a job but remember your 18 and do you have any work experience?

What about speaking with the private company you are doing A levels with?

You need to somehow make contact with them. There is confidentiality too so speak to them about that such as email, telephone some (numbers are free). How about going to the library to send the emails or calls??? Library may help you too.

Rent is hard and you don't want to end up in financial difficulty.
I don't have any work experience unfortunately, you're right in that this is a very real problem with finding suitable work.
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Anonymous #2
#8
Report 1 month ago
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I believe anyone can make a referral to children services should you feel the child is of significant harm or risk. You can remain anonymous I'm sure.

Work experience will be good say at a charity shop or even try applying for the Christmas retail temp jobs which should be advertised right now if not already recruited for (not sure age requirement) it's a starting point just not sure about the whole immigration status issue..

Yes I hear Citizens Advice do offer free legal advice too.

If you do opt to go mainstream college then they do have a duty to inform the govt you are attending as they get paid for each student who attends. So I suggest you speak to the teachers there too about this whole issue.

Yes an immigration charity might have contacts which you don't know about and will hopefully direct you to the right people.

What about Home Office wouldn't they be the best to advise you???
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BrainDrain
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#9
Report 1 month ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hello everyone,

I am an eighteen-year-old school leaver. I would rather not go into gritty details, but I have been a victim of severe physical, verbal and psychological abuse since childhood. The sustained abusive control engineered by my NParents led me to develop severe MDD and GAD. I don't actually recall the last time I had a regular day; it was so long ago. NMother and NFather's incessant gaslighting and tyranny has pushed me to the brink. I'm not even allowed to see a psychologist, and the little medication I've been prescribed has been a write-off, to say the least.

My sole concern is abandoning my younger siblings (15M and 12F) to this hellish environment. Traumatic bonds which have long faded in my case (or possibly never truly existed) are still in full force for them. It is at once incredibly difficult and disappointingly simple to understand. (When I was GCBrother's age, I was somewhat depressed, but didn't particularly see anything wrong either.) There's nothing I can do for them right now though.

Returning to the point at hand: I shall have to scrub this place from my mind before it scrubs me off the face of the earth. This is likely to consist of getting a job, saving up funds, securing accomodation and packing my dearest effects incrementally, so as not to arouse suspicion. To my knowledge, a lease on an apartment requires 12/13 weeks worth of rent (tenancy deposit, plus two months' rent in advance). However, I have heard that a poor credit score can lead to as much as six months' rent being demanded in advance. I don't even have a personal credit card, although I have a U19 account superintended by my parents.

That aside, the set of bills and utilities includes Council Tax (~£70 pm), water and gas (~£50 pm), broadband (~£30 pm), as well as the electric bill (which I would prefer to be included in the rent). I'd also budget ~£300 pm for groceries, although that's likely an overestimate. Throwing in other fixed costs would likely add ~£35 pm. I presume I'd need around £100 to boot (for household essentials), although I haven't yet confirmed this. On the whole, that's an outlay of just under £600 pm minus rent (at least initially).

I had planned to amass some savings for at most a couple of months, and then leave. However, it has quickly become obvious that this isn't an option. All I need is a little studio flat, preferably with a separate living room, in Zones 1-3, near the centre of London and well away from my parents (I live in Essex), which would also theoretically facilitate finding a decent job. I surmise that this would cost £600-£700 pcm. I very much doubt that I would be able to flatshare.

All of this is complicated by my being an immigrant, having moved here 11 odd years ago. Throughout this time, my parents have controlled all of my personal documents and they almost never discuss immigration, so I have had to deduce these things on my own. I figured, and I may well be wrong, that I'd need my passport & visa, NINo and biometric residence permit (BRP), since I ostensibly have limited leave to remain. I don't have the BRP at present (still looking), but I've managed to secure all of the others. Unfortunately, my passport and visa expired years ago ("cancelled without prejudice") ... so I would appear to be stateless. I don't have an inkling of whether I would be eligible for any welfare benefits (according to the web, you need at least ILR, but I did some digging and saw my parents applied for child benefits and CT reduction/housing benefits, so there may be exceptions).

I've also taken a year out to sit three A Levels privately next summer; all of this essentially condemned my CAGs, which I never wanted in the first instance. I'm not certain how this would factor into things, if at all. Could anyone help, please? I attempted to contact Citizens Advice but their chat appears to be broken.
I think your first priority is to look after yourself and consider your siblings once you are in a better place.

Your doctor is in a position to prescribe you the best medication for depression and mental issues, they are also a gateway to referring you to other social services which might help you with accommodation and benefits etc.

Normally starting at university would have been a solution, it would have got you away from home, found you new friends, given you an aim in life and changed things for the better, but you seem to be lacking the A levels to do that this year.

So the options are toughing it out at home for another 12 months to get your qualifications, or moving out away from home and starting from scratch, which sounds a little daunting for someone your age, only you will know if you would be able to cope.

You could look at what apprenticeships are available, they are an excellent alternative for many as a path to a full time job, getting paid whilst training. Or maybe look at jobs available with accommodation you will find some on google, but I would suggest somewhere other than London which is an expensive place to live.
In the meantime try to steer away from confrontation and arguments, try to save where ever you can, and keep to yourself what you are planning to do ...good luck.
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Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
If you do opt to go mainstream college then they do have a duty to inform the govt you are attending as they get paid for each student who attends. So I suggest you speak to the teachers there too about this whole issue.
But how would they be able to help?
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Anonymous #1
#11
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(Original post by Anonymous)
What about Home Office wouldn't they be the best to advise you???
That sounds like a good idea. I've never actually contacted them before (as you can see from my original post) nor do I know how I would go about it. I will do some digging. However, I don't want their correspondence sent to my parents' address as I could be leaving at any time.
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black tea
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#12
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(Original post by Anonymous)
All I need is a little studio flat, preferably with a separate living room, in Zones 1-3, near the centre of London and well away from my parents (I live in Essex), which would also theoretically facilitate finding a decent job. I surmise that this would cost £600-£700 pcm. I very much doubt that I would be able to flatshare.
My only advice would be to adjust your expectations and consider moving somewhere affordable (i.e. not London, or certainly not zones 1-3) and to reconsider your views on flat sharing. As an 18-year-old with no qualifications, you will not be able to find a job that pays well enough for you to be able to afford to live on your own in the centre of London. Move up north, share with people for a while so you can save up some money and when you are in a better financial position, then consider moving where you want to live.

Good luck.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by black tea)
My only advice would be to adjust your expectations and consider moving somewhere affordable (i.e. not London, or certainly not zones 1-3) and to reconsider your views on flat sharing. As an 18-year-old with no qualifications, you will not be able to find a job that pays well enough for you to be able to afford to live on your own in the centre of London. Move up north, share with people for a while so you can save up some money and when you are in a better financial position, then consider moving where you want to live.

Good luck.
Thanks for the advice. I actually believe I could roughly break even in London, relative to suburban areas. Transport is far cheaper (in the longer-term), and the job market is probably much larger than where I live. You probably have a point though. I actually don't mind much, as long as it's sustainable and I'm not within reach of my parents. Obviously, almost anything would be better than where I am now.

I definitely couldn't flatshare right now, it would be too much for me. I wouldn't say it has anything to do with expectations (I thought that would have come across from my post). You're right that it would cut costs significantly, but it just isn't something I could do.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the advice. I actually believe I could roughly break even in London, relative to suburban areas. Transport is far cheaper (in the longer-term), and the job market is probably much larger than where I live. You probably have a point though. I actually don't mind much, as long as it's sustainable and I'm not within reach of my parents. Obviously, almost anything would be better than where I am now.

I definitely couldn't flatshare right now, it would be too much for me. I wouldn't say it has anything to do with expectations (I thought that would have come across from my post). You're right that it would cut costs significantly, but it just isn't something I could do.
Without sounding harsh AT ALL, there is no way on earth you will be able to get a studio apartment in zones 1-3 for £900pm. My partner and I earn £80k between us and even we couldn’t afford central London or zones 1-3 and live a normal life. We live in zone 5 and we pay £1100 a month for rent on a one bedroom apartment. You’d also need to do a right to rent check - and if you’re unsure on your immigration status, this will be a pitfall. You’ll also most likely need references and a credit check for your own apartment, which will be extremely difficult for you considering you are so young, not to mention your immigration status. Please know that I am not placing blame on you in any way at all - this is an extremely difficult situation and it is really not your fault.

It’s not easy at all, and I would strongly urge you to contact some charities first explaining your situation. Your mum and dad also don’t have any control over your medical records, whatever they might have told you, as these are strictly confidential. Not only are you over 18, but even if your information has been disclosed without your consent, this is illegal and most doctor’s practises in the UK would not do this due to the outcomes (doctors could lose their jobs and practice could be fined). I’d strongly urge you to report in to your doctor - build up medical evidence as some charities may ask for this in order to assist you. It’s not because they do not believe you - it is because they will need to assess your situation fully in order to assist you in the best ways possible.

Please seek help from charities and social services. If you also feel you are in immediate danger, you can contact the police. This would be a good option if you wish to do so, but I can fully understand that you may not feel ready or prepared to do this.

Please don’t feel disheartened - you will get through this. But readjust your needs, as listed above. Central London will not be an option for you - but a smaller city may be more accessible and offer you greater protections away from your family. You would also be able to live a better life. Know you’re in my thoughts.

Good luck.
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