single pakistani med student in her twenties...help!

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Anonymous #1
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hi guys, I have a genuine question here. i'm in my twenties and have a yr left of med school. now as much as i'm loving the course etc, it's recently dawned on me that in terms of what's expected of me as a female, i may in on a spot of bother. i've been rejected 5 times since last summer for not wanting to be a stay at home, cooking/ cleaning spouse. my parents also stress the fact that i should be cooking more etc bc how else will i find a husband but cmon... how does that even correlate

also not to shame that way of life if you want it, but that's not me at all. but is this a major problem culturally because honestly I had no idea! 2 of the men even said to me that i was overqualified for marriage and it's not feasible unless i left the field.

sorry for rambling but does anyone else have any similar experiences? there are other asians on my course who are in relationships, but i'm not aware of anyone else in my position. not only is this a very pressurising situation to be in but it's also disheartening that everything just boils down to me being not good enough
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
hi guys, I have a genuine question here. i'm in my twenties and have a yr left of med school. now as much as i'm loving the course etc, it's recently dawned on me that in terms of what's expected of me as a female, i may in on a spot of bother. i've been rejected 5 times since last summer for not wanting to be a stay at home, cooking/ cleaning spouse. my parents also stress the fact that i should be cooking more etc bc how else will i find a husband but cmon... how does that even correlate

also not to shame that way of life if you want it, but that's not me at all. but is this a major problem culturally because honestly I had no idea! 2 of the men even said to me that i was overqualified for marriage and it's not feasible unless i left the field.

sorry for rambling but does anyone else have any similar experiences? there are other asians on my course who are in relationships, but i'm not aware of anyone else in my position. not only is this a very pressurising situation to be in but it's also disheartening that everything just boils down to me being not good enough
i don't think you should be worrying tbh. From what i read, you seem fine. And you are no way overqualified for marriage.. wtf lol xD.. i don't mean that negatively btw.. just that you should finish your med degree and be a doc.. instead of listening to those 2 stupid men.

And your cooking pattern doesn't matter if you find a husband or not lol. Your personality and looks matter more in terms of finding a partner rather than being able to cook often. Heck, some men, if not most, can cook for themselves. I mean Im chasing a girl that doesn't cook much lmao xD

In any case, some men will be pleased to date/marry an intelligent girl like you, who can also cook...
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i don't think you should be worrying tbh. From what i read, you seem fine. And you are no way overqualified for marriage.. wtf lol xD.. i don't mean that negatively btw.. just that you should finish your med degree and be a doc.. instead of listening to those 2 stupid men.

And your cooking pattern doesn't matter if you find a husband or not lol. Your personality and looks matter more in terms of finding a partner rather than being able to cook often. Heck, some men, if not most, can cook for themselves. I mean Im chasing a girl that doesn't cook much lmao xD

In any case, some men will be pleased to date/marry an intelligent girl like you, who can also cook...
thanks haha that slightly puts my mind at ease i will continue on with the degree for sure, would just be pure stupidity to stop now for no reason. haha well good luck to the both of you guys. and thanks once again for your kind words
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Thestudent107SWC
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As a Pakistani. Don’t fall into the trap. Your good
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Thestudent107SWC)
As a Pakistani. Don’t fall into the trap. Your good
ok haha i'll keep trudging on. thank you
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
thanks haha that slightly puts my mind at ease i will continue on with the degree for sure, would just be pure stupidity to stop now for no reason. haha well good luck to the both of you guys. and thanks once again for your kind words
hehe thanks Hoping it works out for me too. Would make life more meaningful
You are welcome
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cANdy shop
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I think having more money will make you more desirable.

If you are unattractive, excuses will always be made.
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Anonymous)
hi guys, I have a genuine question here. i'm in my twenties and have a yr left of med school. now as much as i'm loving the course etc, it's recently dawned on me that in terms of what's expected of me as a female, i may in on a spot of bother. i've been rejected 5 times since last summer for not wanting to be a stay at home, cooking/ cleaning spouse. my parents also stress the fact that i should be cooking more etc bc how else will i find a husband but cmon... how does that even correlate

also not to shame that way of life if you want it, but that's not me at all. but is this a major problem culturally because honestly I had no idea! 2 of the men even said to me that i was overqualified for marriage and it's not feasible unless i left the field.

sorry for rambling but does anyone else have any similar experiences? there are other asians on my course who are in relationships, but i'm not aware of anyone else in my position. not only is this a very pressurising situation to be in but it's also disheartening that everything just boils down to me being not good enough
Please you're going to be a doctor, who cares if you don't want to be a stay at home little wifey. Tell those losers to **** off
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by cANdy shop)
I think having more money will make you more desirable.

If you are unattractive, excuses will always be made.
haha i see. tbh the only time my appearance was scrutinised was when one of the boy's mums said i was 'too dark skinned' (which is deep rooted colourism you will often see in my culture, not that that makes it any more acceptable) -_- tbh i also always had the notion that money makes men more desirable psychologically not women...but i guess that's what societal conditioning does to you. but hey, we can put that theory to the test when i'm working!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
Please you're going to be a doctor, who cares if you don't want to be a stay at home little wifey. Tell those losers to **** off
thank you haha i think sometimes a little perspective is very helpful. i've just been getting bogged down with all these negative comments about the working woman and how useless i would be in a marriage that i forgot the bigger picture
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Anonymous)
thank you haha i think sometimes a little perspective is very helpful. i've just been getting bogged down with all these negative comments about the working woman and how useless i would be in a marriage that i forgot the bigger picture
Yeah, don't ever forget about your dreams, ambitions and the years of hard work you put into being a doctor! I know our culture can be very stupid at times or all the time but it's not going to change, so you have to decide for yourself whether you're what some stupid patriarchal culture decides you're or your own unique person, it doesn't matter if it's housewife or doctor or anything else
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
Yeah, don't ever forget about your dreams, ambitions and the years of hard work you put into being a doctor! I know our culture can be very stupid at times or all the time but it's not going to change, so you have to decide for yourself whether you're what some stupid patriarchal culture decides you're or your own unique person, it doesn't matter if it's housewife or doctor or anything else
thank you your kind words mean a lot and i will always try to remember that. yeah ik it's very sad our culture hasn't progressed past the 'you do what the man says' ideology and it's still something mothers try to instil into their daughters, but that's won't change anytime soon thank you x
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Gaddafi
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My aunty was a doctor and she lived a pretty good married life in which both of them worked. I say that we're the same nationality and this was years ago.

Despite what you think our culture has certainly "modernised" over the years. Far more Liberal now then it was in days gone by.

I'm not sure what men you're looking at but try looking at educated professionals? Of course you'll still get men amongst those who want stay at home wives, but the ratio will be less.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Gaddafi)
My aunty was a doctor and she lived a pretty good married life in which both of them worked. I say that we're the same nationality and this was years ago.

Despite what you think our culture has certainly "modernised" over the years. Far more Liberal now then it was in days gone by.

I'm not sure what men you're looking at but try looking at educated professionals? Of course you'll still get men amongst those who want stay at home wives, but the ratio will be less.
that's nice to hear and ok i'll try to not lose hope haha, i've met 4 doctors and one med student in the yr above who all had that same mentality. actually no, one of them didn't but his mother was against the idea of a working/ educated wife for her son. thanks for your advice!
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Anonymous #3
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This makes me so sad. You're doing amazing sweetie.

'Overqualified' WTF is wrong with people? You'll find out there are so many weirdos out there, especially South Asian guys who are just mummy boys and looking for someone to be their mother instead of wife. So try not to base your self-worth on these 'rejections' (sounds like you dodged some bullets). Please try not to feel pressured by any family members. You are good. If you really want to get married it doesn't hurt to look around now, but focus on finishing your degree, then after FY1 or FY2 (preferably) would be a good time to get married as you have finished your training and have some savings too.

Please do not sell yourself short to impress a guy. The guy for you should be proud of your accomplishments, the fact you're a Doctor (soon) and push you to do more things, not looking for someone to just cook and clean. What losers!

Also, actually a lot of guys in our generation don't care THAT much about skin colour, it's mostly their parents (who were born in South Asia etc) who have an issue with it. In my opinion, I'd suggest looking for guys who are educated and have professional jobs, they tend to be the ones who are much more down to earth and reasonable. It would complement alongside your 'qualifications' lol. Also please try and vet the groom and family you are marrying into beforehand if you can (asking around, Facebook etc etc). As a South Asian guy myself, I've seen this seems to be quite important. South Asian families like to hide a lot of s*it (e.g. scandals, cons, general reputation of the family, divorces etc... I know one family failed to mention they have a family history of mental illnesses to the groom, the brides brother is has schizophrenia).
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
that's nice to hear and ok i'll try to not lose hope haha, i've met 4 doctors and one med student in the yr above who all had that same mentality. actually no, one of them didn't but his mother was against the idea of a working/ educated wife for her son. thanks for your advice!
Tbh, parents who don't want a working /educated wife tend to have a lower class mentality... that sounds bad, but it is certainly a strange request. Perhaps they just want a slave they can control and not a wife? who knows... Maybe try and find another doctor who is similar to you and marry them! lol
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londonmyst
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The best advice I can give you is focus on the future life that you want.
Your ambitions, your skillset, what you will bring to the table in a relationship/marriage and the dealbreakers that you have decided that any man must meet in order to deserve your time & attention as a possible future partner & coparent if you want any children.

This is the same advice I gave my best friend who was born in India and works there.
So many guys get put off by her dairy allergy or intimidated by her career, educational qualifications, income, inheritance and looks.
I regularly get reminded that my collection of postgrad qualifications & age makes me a much less attractive prospect to 'respectable men looking for a wife to raise a family' with and my extensive culinary skills do not divert attention from the fact. :laugh:
I'm 26, not asian and happily single.
I date with a very long list of dating dealbreakers and probably won't go down the marriage route.
Good luck!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
This makes me so sad. You're doing amazing sweetie.

'Overqualified' WTF is wrong with people? You'll find out there are so many weirdos out there, especially South Asian guys who are just mummy boys and looking for someone to be their mother instead of wife. So try not to base your self-worth on these 'rejections' (sounds like you dodged some bullets). Please try not to feel pressured by any family members. You are good. If you really want to get married it doesn't hurt to look around now, but focus on finishing your degree, then after FY1 or FY2 (preferably) would be a good time to get married as you have finished your training and have some savings too.

Please do not sell yourself short to impress a guy. The guy for you should be proud of your accomplishments, the fact you're a Doctor (soon) and push you to do more things, not looking for someone to just cook and clean. What losers!

Also, actually a lot of guys in our generation don't care THAT much about skin colour, it's mostly their parents (who were born in South Asia etc) who have an issue with it. In my opinion, I'd suggest looking for guys who are educated and have professional jobs, they tend to be the ones who are much more down to earth and reasonable. It would complement alongside your 'qualifications' lol. Also please try and vet the groom and family you are marrying into beforehand if you can (asking around, Facebook etc etc). As a South Asian guy myself, I've seen this seems to be quite important. South Asian families like to hide a lot of s*it (e.g. scandals, cons, general reputation of the family, divorces etc... I know one family failed to mention they have a family history of mental illnesses to the groom, the brides brother is has schizophrenia).
haha thank you, that made me feel loads better! i've had a couple of days to really think since i posted this and this was genuinely a stupid thing for me to get down about. haha yes i always try and find out what i can and get a close friend involved in helping me search for anything dodgy. it sounds cynical i know but i'd be stupid to take anyone's life/ attitude at face value. oh wow schizophrenia is a massive thing to not mention :/ thanks for your post, it cheered me up
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Tbh, parents who don't want a working /educated wife tend to have a lower class mentality... that sounds bad, but it is certainly a strange request. Perhaps they just want a slave they can control and not a wife? who knows... Maybe try and find another doctor who is similar to you and marry them! lol
yeah from the sounds of it, a couple of the families wanted a 24/7 maid, and actually want their sons to marry from Pakistan so their wives would be too vulnerable to question how they were being treated. it's a disgusting way to think honestly, and i don't understand how you can morally be OK with that. hahah i'll do my best to find someone who actually doesn't oppose a woman living her own life and having her own career. i would hope in this day and age that's not too hard lol, fingers crossed
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by londonmyst)
The best advice I can give you is focus on the future life that you want.
Your ambitions, your skillset, what you will bring to the table in a relationship/marriage and the dealbreakers that you have decided that any man must meet in order to deserve your time & attention as a possible future partner & coparent if you want any children.

This is the same advice I gave my best friend who was born in India and works there.
So many guys get put off by her dairy allergy or intimidated by her career, educational qualifications, income, inheritance and looks.
I regularly get reminded that my collection of postgrad qualifications & age makes me a much less attractive prospect to 'respectable men looking for a wife to raise a family' with and my extensive culinary skills do not divert attention from the fact. :laugh:
I'm 26, not asian and happily single.
I date with a very long list of dating dealbreakers and probably won't go down the marriage route.
Good luck!
thank you, that's very good advice wow that's a combination of an impressively weak personality and a massively inflated ego...you and your friend sound badass for putting up with all that from guys lol. i'm 24 now and trying to be happily single, but it doesn't help that i'm treated like a spinster 24/7 lmao. oh well, i guess i'll get used to it eventually! thanks a lot xx
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