Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#1
I’m planning on writing a short thriller/mystery on watt pad , is this too morbid or weird ?


Life.The one thing that keeps us going, yet many of us desire for life to be no more.The thought of death bribes our hearts into the condemning thought of destroying life. Life is evil in every way.In a way that indulges innocent people and grabs them by their throat. In a way that punishes people for their delights. Equally destructive is that of death that immorally persecutes us for eternity. Now I wander, searching for the person who inflicted such doom upon me so that I could reverse it. Maybe I could be like the rest. Happy, smiley, joyful. Or perhaps that’s what people pretend to be in this counterfeit utopia.

I am Amy Andrews.On the morning of the 4th of June 1932, I was brutally butchered. My death was the first and only event to happen in Foria. An honour killing for the revenge on my father. These are the facts that I know , that
I memorise daily in order to logically detect my inflicter.



Is it to meaty for the first paragraph ? How can I improve it ? thank you
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Surnia
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Too rambling rather than too meaty. Don't try to be too clever and cram in too many words or try to create fancy phrases. How does evil 'indulge' innocent people? Why 'Inflicter'?
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gjd800
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I echo Surnia here. I'm all for an unusual collocation, but I'm not sure 'the condemning thought' makes much sense here. How is death immoral? Amoral, maybe.

You need 'death, which persecutes', not 'that persecutes'. Unless you mean to say there other deaths that do other things. I'm not sure what work 'that of' is doing in the sentence, either.

I think that 'searching for the person who inflicted such doom upon me so that I could reverse it' needs to be 'so that I can reverse it', or 'so that I might reverse it'; use of 'could' there is awkward - you want to express potential, but instead it sounds like you are mixing tenses. Similarly, I think 'maybe I can be like the rest' reads a little better, but this use of 'could' is far less ambiguous than the prior one.

'An honour killing for the revenge on my father' is awkward: perhaps remove 'the' to help it flow better.

'Logically detect' is awkward. I know what you are trying to say, but it isn't really idiomatic.
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Surnia
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How much of this echoes 'The Lovely Bones' by Alice Sebold?
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