My family do not approve of the girl i’m talking too

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
So i’m in an exclusive relationship with this girl and her personality is perfect, she cares for me and everything. Also i’m 24, so at an age where i’m looking for something really serious. The only issue is she is not super attractive, why is this an issue you may ask?

I’m from a very tradition punjabi background and my cousin saw us one time and after she pulled me to the side and said some pretty nasty things. She said stuff like I can do way better than her, she’s hideous and basically called her really ugly. At the time it really hurt me because I really like her personality.

A few weeks later we had a family meet up and she brought it up again but violated me in front of everyone in my family and my mum and aunties asked to see a photo of her and they agreed with my cousin and said your not going to bring her home. What do I do? Should I end it, I don’t want to disappoint my family? Like I said before we’ve only know each other for like a month and it’s my first relationship iv had so I may feel like the emotions are strong than they are because I don’t know any better?

I need help please
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Surnia
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Maybe you should end it because it's pretty nasty commenting on this girl's looks by saying she's 'not super attractive'.

Attraction is the whole package and you are being incredibly shallow, or listening to your family and letting that colour your feelings.

You are an adult and dating this girl, not your family. Sort out your own views, but if you truly love her (of which there is little indication) then stand up for her and make a life with her.
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Anonymous)
So i’m in an exclusive relationship with this girl and her personality is perfect, she cares for me and everything. Also i’m 24, so at an age where i’m looking for something really serious. The only issue is she is not super attractive, why is this an issue you may ask?

I’m from a very tradition punjabi background and my cousin saw us one time and after she pulled me to the side and said some pretty nasty things. She said stuff like I can do way better than her, she’s hideous and basically called her really ugly. At the time it really hurt me because I really like her personality.

A few weeks later we had a family meet up and she brought it up again but violated me in front of everyone in my family and my mum and aunties asked to see a photo of her and they agreed with my cousin and said your not going to bring her home. What do I do? Should I end it, I don’t want to disappoint my family? Like I said before we’ve only know each other for like a month and it’s my first relationship iv had so I may feel like the emotions are strong than they are because I don’t know any better?

I need help please
Talking about a girl like that just because her looks doesn't suit your family's beauty standards is extremely vile, you should've stopped your family from making those nasty comments.
Last edited by summerbirdreads; 1 month ago
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Surnia)
Maybe you should end it because it's pretty nasty commenting on this girl's looks by saying she's 'not super attractive'.

Attraction is the whole package and you are being incredibly shallow, or listening to your family and letting that colour your feelings.

You are an adult and dating this girl, not your family. Sort out your own views, but if you truly love her (of which there is little indication) then stand up for her and make a life with her.
I don’t think you exactly understand how punjabi families work when it comes to marriage. If they are not happy they will cut you off and not talk to you, so yes the views do have an impact on me because their views will affect me.

Also I can’t just standard up and cut them off to make a life as i’m still in University and so is she. We don’t have the money to just run off into the sunset sadly.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
Talking about a girl like that just because her looks doesn't suit your family's beauty standards is extremely vile, you should've stopped your family from making those nasty comments.
I couldn’t really stop them, but i’d never tell her what they said. I told my best friend and said laughed and said well she ain’t really that attractive. I don’t know what to do
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by summerbirdreads)
Talking about a girl like that just because her looks doesn't suit your family's beauty standards is extremely vile, you should've stopped your family from making those nasty comments.
Starting an argument with like three of your family members is easier said than done. I hope I'd have the courage to tell them not to talk like that but I'd never fault someone for not making a big thing about it. If the girlfriend had actually been there, it would have been different.
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by Anonymous)
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I couldn’t really stop them, but i’d never tell her what they said. I told my best friend and said laughed and said well she ain’t really that attractive. I don’t know what to do
Look the thing is I get you but if you date or marry her and then she comes to your house she's going to feel very discriminated and that will have a very harmful affect on her.
I really don't think your family's going to cut you off based on her appearance like maybe for a while but they'll come around eventually! I know my fair share of crazy South Asian families who did and they had "bigger" concerns and oppositions than attractiveness
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anosmianAcrimony
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(Original post by Anonymous)
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I couldn’t really stop them, but i’d never tell her what they said. I told my best friend and said laughed and said well she ain’t really that attractive. I don’t know what to do
It sounds like you're surrounded by unpleasant and superficial people. Don't let them turn you into one, too!

My recommendation would be, stay with her but just assume your family is a lost cause as far as she's concerned. Graduate as soon as possible, get jobs, form a happy and independent household, and leave your family to their shallow judgmental closed-mindedness.
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summerbirdreads
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(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
It sounds like you're surrounded by unpleasant and superficial people. Don't let them turn you into one, too!

My recommendation would be, stay with her but just assume your family is a lost cause as far as she's concerned. Graduate as soon as possible, get jobs, form a happy and independent household, and leave your family to their shallow judgmental closed-mindedness.
Fair point! I did not really consider that
(Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
Starting an argument with like three of your family members is easier said than done. I hope I'd have the courage to tell them not to talk like that but I'd never fault someone for not making a big thing about it. If the girlfriend had actually been there, it would have been different.
PRSOM
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londonmyst
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Trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Focus upon the future life that you want.

You have a choice to make and it sounds like you know this.
If you value your relatives approval above all else or are sympathetic to their opinions and prioritorise wanting to continue a positive relationship with them above wanting to continue a relationship with your gf- you know what to do.
Whatever decision you reach, the girl that you are dating should not have to hear any more insults or criticisms from your relatives and must not be invited to come anywhere near them.

I have a very long list of dating dealbreakers that include ruling out all guys who: are fans of the extended family system, have a close family dynamic, are still in contact with their ancestors or want to raise children who will meet grandparents.
When I lived with parents, I didn't let them know when I had a bf.
I would never consider arranging a meeting or phone chat between a guy I was dating and any of my ancestors.
Nor do I want to meet any potential bf's parents or other relatives.
These dealbreakers are a great way of weeding out obviously incompatible guys.
Avoiding wasting the time of guys that don't share my ambitions or lifestyle preferences and would be much happier dating someone more family orientated and is part of a supportive family willing to welcome them.
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ashtolga23
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I think listening to and supporting your family in this would be a mistake.

I'm not from that culture but if that were my boyfriend in such a situation I'd probably want him to defend me to be honest.

It would be very superficial to break up with her because of your family's views on her looks. You don't want to lose her over something like that, surely? Talk some sense into your family. They're being so rude, and at the end of the day looks are only skin deep, and they'll fade over time anyway. It's better to have someone you can actually get on with.
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black tea
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If my family were shallow enough to want me to break up with someone because of their looks, I would much rather stop talking to my family than the person I was dating...
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Samavi16
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First are you Muslim? Cause it seems like your cousin has crush on you. If my cousin said that and they re from opposite sex I would assume they like me and Second, tell your mum she makes you happy desi people may be hard but we do know what makes a person happy. Tell them that she ll care about all of them. I m desi too so my parents would only object if he s from different religion.
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Gaddafi
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As someone with very little family, I would prioritise them over a woman any day if push came to shove.

Remember that you can get a new woman but family is ultimately irreplaceable.

I've had Asian friends who got disowned by their families due to love and later regretted it.
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Moonlight Rain
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Your family sound like horrible people
Last edited by Moonlight Rain; 1 month ago
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